The Back of the Bus

The scene:

A frigid, windy morning in the parking lot of the downtown Chicago bus station.

Ray Kowalski, a slight man with hair the color of a Kansas wheat field and eyes as changeable as a summer sky, steps on to a Streamliner Greyhound bus that has seen better days, turns and says in a not-quite-bitchy voice, "OK Frazer, buddy, tell me again why I got yanked outta my warm, comfy bed at Oh-dark-thirty to schlep myself down here and ride all the way to Montgomery, Alabama in the back of this bus."

Benton Fraser, R.C.M.P. and Ray Kowalski's partner-in-all-things, a solidly built beauty with coal dark hair and shockingly blue eyes, steps gracefully on to the bus and wraps his arms around his lover. The Constable somehow manages to nibble on his partner's ear and simultaneously answer his query in a most eloquent, if long winded, manner.

"You see, Ray, on December first 1955, Ms. Rosa Parks, a young African-American, boarded a bus in Montgomery, Alabama and contrary to the laws of that time, she sat in the front of said bus and refused to give up her seat to a Caucasian male. Her ensuing arrest. . ."

"Yeah, yeah Fraze. I know all that. Do you think I slept all the way through school?"

Knowing his partner all too well, Detective Kowalski finishes his statement by immediately turning to his partner and placing an elegant hand over his luscious mouth.

"Do not answer that question.

"What I was sayin' was, if we're travelling all this way to celebrate Civil Rights and all, why do we have to sit in the back of the bus. . .

"Ray, Ray, Ray. . ."

"I mean, just because I'm new that means I'm not equal. . .

"Ray, Ray, Ray. . .

"Who decides these things. What? Did someone sit down and take a vote on this. . .

"Ray, Ray, Ray. . .

"What?!?"

"There is a fold-out bed in the back of the bus."

"Really?"

"Yes, Ray."

"Um, is it a big bed?"

"Queen-sized, I believe."

"The back of the bus works for me. I love the back of the bus. Come on Fraze. Pitter patter, lets get at 'er."

Ray grabs Fraser by the Sam Browne and unceremoniously drags him to their designated spot.

*********

Meanwhile, just outside, next to the ladder that leads to the luggage rack bolted firmly to the top of the bus. . .

Renfield Turnbull, a man in his physical, if not mental, prime is absentmindedly fingering the brim of his once-pristine Stetson and eyeing the ladder nervously.

"Really, Ray, I'm not sure if riding on top of the bus is a sound idea. After all, Montgomery is an awfully long way for us to be exposed to the elements while travelling at such a high rate of speed.

Ray Kowalski, man about town and detective at large, runs his hands through his already tousled hair and over his handsome face in a tired gesture.

"Look, Turnbull, this wasn't my idea. Okay? We'll just have to make the best of it. Besides, I was thinking it's time we got to know one another better. Do a little “male-bonding”, ya know? Mano a mano and all that stuff," states Kowalski, doing his best to keep from leering and failing miserably.

Turnbull's face lights up like a Mountie on Canada Day, and he manages to stammer out, "Well, Ray, I'm flattered. I mean I'm delighted. That is to say male bonding sounds wonderful. What sort of adhesive is required?"

Ray grins in that wonderfully endearing way that only he can and replies, "Do not worry about a thing, Turnbull. Just climb on up and leave the driving to me."

And our Ray, ever the helpful guy that he is, places an elegant hand on the leggy Mountie's well-formed backside and gives him a boost up the ladder.

*********

Meanwhile, back inside the bus. . .

Ray Vecchio, as always impeccably dressed, looks around the now crowded Streamliner and turns to his best friend and brother-in-arms and says, "It looks like Chicago General's Emergency Room on a Saturday night in here, Benny."

Benny, also impeccably, if somewhat more casually, dressed, looks past his partner and smiles.

"Why yes, Ray, things do seem to be filling in nicely. It's wonderful to see such a large turnout for a worthy cause.

“Ah, look. Someone has saved us two seats, directly up front, just as you were promised.

“This promises to be a most enlightening and amusing trip Ray. I believe Mrs. Gamez is going to be reading a wonderful poem she wrote about equality. It is seventy pages long and in Spanish. Francesca will be doing an interpretive dance on your Supreme Court's ruling that segregation on public transportation is unconstitutional. And, of course, Huey and Dewey will liven things up with their skit about the nutritional value of Spam. Although I'm not entirely certain what a meat product has to do with Civil Rights or exactly what a 'meat product' is for that matter."

*********

At this point, the driver starts the engine and our intrepid heros and their friends and loved ones begin their journey. . .

Ray Vecchio is leaning with his face pressed against the window. A small rivulet of drool is leaking from his full lips as he somehow manages to sleep through Francesca's very athletic performance.

Suddenly, Ray is jolted awake by a loud rythmic pounding noise and a very enthusiastic, vocal running commentary that seems to be coming from overhead.

"OH, YES! OH, YEAH! OH, BABY! OH, CANADA!!! THAT'S IT! DON'T STOP! DO IT TO ME BABY! HARDER, YOU BIG STALLION!! RIIIIIDE 'EM, COWBOY!"

Ray turns to his partner who is seemingly enraptured by Huey and Dewey's skit involving hand puppets, a shoe horn and several cans of Spam.

"Benny, Benny, Benny!"

"Yes, Ray?"

"What is that noise?"

"Well Ray, I believe that is Detective Huey's impression of what a Spam's mating call sounds like."

"NO, not that noise. THAT NOISE," states Ray, while simultaneously pointing toward the roof of the bus.

"Ah, that noise."

"Yes, Benny. That Noise."

"Well, Ray. Although I can't be certain, I believe that is Ray Kowalski expressing his approval of Constable Turnbull's rather. . .ahem. . .impressive attributes, and his skill at utilizing such a sizeable talent in a most. . .useful manner."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Constable Turnbull is using his sizeable penis to sodomize Detective Kowalski. And Detective Kowalski is, as you Americans say, a screamer."

"Oh."

"UUUUuuunnnnnnngggggghhhhhh"

"Benny."

"Yes, Ray?"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"What's THAT noise?"

"What noise, Ray?"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

"THAT NOISE!!"

"Oh, that would seem to be Ray Kowalski and Fraser engaged in a rather vocal physical manifestation of the love and attraction they feel for one another, in the back of the bus."

"What?!?!?"

"Detective Kowalski is fellating Fraser and Fraser is, as you Americans say, a moaner."

"How come Fraser and Kowalski and Turnbull and Kowalski are having all the fun and we're sitting up here listening to my Ma wax poetic on the dining habits of Italians as they relate to their history of subjugation?"

"You see Ray, it just wouldn't be, shall we say, appropriate to engage in certain acts here in the front of the bus. Whereas, the back of the bus and the luggage rack provide some measure of privacy. . ."

Ray crosses his arms in front of his chest and sticks out his lower lip, "The front of the bus sucks. Who decided that I have to sit in the front of the bus anyway?"

Benny pats Ray comfortingly on the shoulder. "Why your fans did, Ray."

"Hmph. Some fans."

"Indeed"

The End