Fez's Groovy Whores

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We all know that there have been a legion of fans appearing from all over the dang place who love 'That '70's Show' to death, and have ever since it first aired. Some, however, have gone above and beyond the call of duty for this noble show. *sniffle* Ok, now I am farklemt. Here's a topic for all of you to discuss: Red Forman is neither red nor a foreman. Discuss. OK, I am all better now. Anyhoo, this here is a list of That '70's Show addicts and true fans who know everything from the number of colors Topher's hair has been(too many to mention) to the true amount of Kelso's brain cells. OK,, now, since I've been getting mucho mucho e-mails asking 'Can I be a whore?', I'm a-gonna give some advice. If you truly want to be Fez's Groovy Whore(and don't we all?), simply e-mail me with whatever you'd like me to say about you in this section and a bit on why you want to be a whore. I'll write back and ta-da! next time I update, you're a whore. To all the whores with websites--don't forget to use the banner at the end of the page, OK? Thankee bunches. Enjoy, and grab some pizza rolls while you're moseying around!But be careful...they're hot hot hot! Fuchsia is the owner of That '70's Page and my fellow message board denizen. We have been known to have long conversations on the board that are guaranteed to peeve people who hate seeing all those damn graphics load off. Her page is awesome,she shares my Xander obsession, and she has even contributed to this page in many ways....not the least of which is the Fez's Groovy Whores banner on this page which she designed. Her goal is to be on FANatic and interview the cast. I intend to be there as well, and Wilmer/Fez will call us whores, damnit!

leelaX also frequents the message board on FOX(it's bbs.foxworld.com if you want to read all of our incoherent silly ramblings on everything from Kelso's lack of a brain to our hate for baseball). Leela owns Eric Forman's Basement, which is probably the bestest name for a website there could possibly be. She is a lucky gal because she has a funky digital camera and gets tons of pics of the show every week...plus she works at a place where they sell magazines. Damnit, why can't I be so lucky?

Obsessed With Laura Prepon is...um, well, obsessed. With Laura Prepon. Even though Fuchsia and I sometimes get him angry with our rambling, Obsessed still puts up with us. He also has the FIRST ever Laura Prepon page which is mighty cool and deserves a visit from everyone. He has also met Billy Corgan, which one would think would be an ezcuse for me to go insane with jealousy. It's OK, I still think Obsessed rawks.

Nutrasweet Paige just put up her Not-Quite-70's Pa(i)ge, and she is as loony as me. That alone is scary, isn't it? She even thanks me on her page, which made me farklemt. She is a groovy 70's chick as well...Fez would be proud of you, Paige!

Samantha Josephine left Jolt and SPAM in my guestbook and shares my Topher Grace pseudo-obsession. She is even more loony than me, a fact which I didn't ever think was medically or genetically possible, and she likes using the word whore too. S.J. has a nice spiffy page of idolatry about the show, which should be visited and signed lest the wrath of a Fatso Burger be visited on us all.

Jay has yet another great '70's page and a link to get free tickets for the show. he also has the best smiley faces on his site. Ya gotta love 'em!

Corey/Grant/whatever you want to call him has seen the show taped and is an aspiring actor. He is also one silly silly person who sang an ABBA tune in front of the cast and who has a loony streak like me as well.

My source close to the investigation has been a big help with scoops on the show and the like, plus he's one groovy person who should be exalted by all. Heck, anyoen who survives reading my at-times incoherent(from lack of caffeine and sleep) e-mails deserves a freaking medal.

Kyle Clayton has a petition going 'round trying to get the show back on ASAP besides that dratted baseball dreck. He also sent me an interesting musing: if Red Forman has a sixth sense about parties and a seventh sense about beer, why is it that he has no clue about Eric and Donna's romantic tension? It's like the whole 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop' debate...the world may never know.

Alicia English is an extremely awesome fan of the show who, like me, wonders what color Topher's hair will be in person. (I'm betting blondish-brownish-reddish-black with a few strands of grey.) She is also nice enough to offer to send me the exalted tape of the first five eps that I have been pining for. When I get it.....I will be in TV nirvana. So worship Alicia, y'all!

Tiffany proved that she wanted to be a esteemed member when she showed up on the FOX bbs as Groovy Whore. Besides her clever choice of names, she's from New York and likes Topher. In the Mila/Laura debate, she is definitely a Mila-phile. There's food for thought, aye?

Elisa and Tara are the groovelicious souls who created the first ever Topher Grace website, which is damn cool and should be visited by you lest you want to see me go mad. Any people who love the little scrawny neighbor boy AND listen to my sordid tale of a meeting with a member of N'Sync(don't ask...it was a long time ago, before I discovered the bliss that is Marvelous 3 and Manic Street Preachers) are worthy of Groovy Whore status.

Jean-Pierre, besides having a cool name, is a huge fan who thinks Laura is rather cute(watch out, Obsessed!). He's rather cool and says I'm a special whore to him. Now that I am more farklemt than ever, I'll just leave it at that and welcome JP to the Groovy Whores family.

Lauren is the twin sister of the Groovy Whore of all Groovy Whores, Fuchsia. According to her sister, Lauren can quote the show with the best of them and does one groovy Kelso impression. Heh...let's just hear her say 'Looking good!' and hope that Fuchsia doesn't do that squealing thing that Jackie does after hearing it. THAT would be scary.

Tim C. is a part-time TV critic who rawks because he plugs our show. He made sure that, in his fall preview of new FOX shows, the gang got the cover. Also, he has recently added Laura Prepon to his list of women he'd walk over molten glass for. I've never had the desire to walk over molten glass, but I'm betting it would hurt like a bitch...almost as bad as touching Topher's dyed hair. More power to you, Tim!

Cheryl is groovy because she told me about the nice-looking ad in YM. I'm grateful, even if I had to don my sunglasses and a big hat in order to surreptiously buy it at the local drugstore. She also is a Topher-phile, as all good people should be.

Maranie sent me one kick-ass Top Ten that you all should read as soon as possible becuase it's hilarious. Yet another Topher-phile, Maranie claims that she thought she was the only one lusting after our scrawny little neighbor boy. All of us Topher-philes have proved her wrong.

Kennedy aka Sam is truly obsessed with the show. Just check out Kennedy's observations in the 'You Know You're Obsessed With That 70's Show' list. Hey, it's better to be obsessed with this show than...well, toast.

Jackie Burkhardt is the cool-ass webmaster for the Jackie/Mila webpage..or is that webwhore? Jackie has really funky butterflies on the site and keen observations. All the Mila-philes are probably worshipping Jackie right now.

Michelle Hosie fell in love with Fez in the Eric's Birthday episode. I'm hoping that soon she will rebel and not use coasters while making long distance calls to fellow Groovy Whores. *sniffle* I'd be so damn proud....

Jill Stewart is damn cool and has her very own groovy site based on the 70's six. She has all the episodes on tape--and if she's likeme, she has them all memorized. She is yet another part of the 'Take Over the Internet, 70's Style' phenomenon. Be proud of her.

Jennifer(or Jen, say what you will)has a special tape set aside for every single episode and appreciates the humor. I admire anyone who has a special tape, 'cause I just grab what I see and shove it into the VCR five minutes before airtime, but I digress. Jen finds Ashton Kutcher, that silly boy, very yummy and is a Virginia nursing student. We're going to have Jen give Topher a checkup and figure out the whole hair deal.

Eva P.(aka FanOfDannysHyde) is a semi freak and mewbie at FOX's message board who is incredibly head over heels in love (and obsessed) with Hyde and his Afro and is, therefore, the rightful owner of the "Danny's Hyde" webpage, who turned the 'You Know You're Obsessed With That 70's Show When..." list into a list of things to do, who won't let being knocked upside the head get in the way of calling her friends whores, and who just so happens to like really long sentences.(Eva also wrote her bio, so clap long and hard and get her a big bag of caramels.).

Tea may be an 80's brat(her words there), but still loves our sweet show. She has a thing for Fez's accent and facials, especially when he tries to be a smart American boy. She admits to smoking 'that thing'(caramels, right?), though not in the Forman basement. I wonder if the walls move for Tea, too...anyhoo, she's a silly gal and a silly Groovy Whore.

Sydney accepts being Fez's whore, but she'd much rather be Hyde's whore because curly haired people will one day rule the world. She bought beads and sewed them to felt in the shape of Danny's face for art. She has also literally fell out of her chair watching him. Hey, Eva, I think someone's in competition with you for the Afroed boy that is Danny 'Hyde' Masterson. I smell a Celebrity Deathmatch coming on...

Lucia is my infamous trip-mate who has become a 70s-phile due to my incessant ramblings. She likes good ol' Hyde the best, and not just because she got two kisses on the cheek and big hugs from the wonderful Danny at the taping. (hell, I only got one kiss...lucky girl...)Lucia's cool, even if she is a traitor and even if she is going to kill me the next time I start humming 'Fernando'. Take that, Spike's bitch!

Kim got the HonorWHOREble Mention in the infamous Thanksgiving contest and loves the show veddy veddy much. You gotta love this chick for taking part and doing such a great job. Worship Kim NOW, NOW I tell you!

Melanie is the whorish Webmaster of the Eric and Donna page(for which I will put a link up for ASAP). She loves the Topher man and is a strong backer of Eric/Donna(well, duh) over Hyde/Donna. See, Melanie, I finally put you on the whore list!

Reine(aka Sarah) loves Danny Masterson, Art Garfunkel, etc.--she's liking those Afros. Presently, besides plotting my murder for hugging Danny, Reine is making a super groovelicious Gratuitous Danny Masterson Page for all to see and love. Worship her, go to the Tapioca Tundra, and be happy!

Allie greets friends with a happy 'Hello, Wisconsin!' She also slaps hands with her friends a la Eric and Buddy, sings the theme in any mode of transportation, and said 'It's a sign...of beer!' when seeing an abandoned six-pack. Good 'un, whore!

Cassie Omega Zum(did I get that there right?) likes to type really funky, loves Danny Masterson, and dresses like the kids. I won't worry till I see you with Kelso's shoes, Cassie dear!

Matt(aka fazzle) claims to have sacrificed a monkey in order to be a whore. I never knew the stipulations were that dang big, but hey...whatever ever floats your boat...or is that a car?

Garthnak was supposed to go to a taping, but the damn traffic conspired against him. Tell Hyde about this here conspiracy, Gart, and we'll kick booty on your behalf.

Josiah is a special WhoreGuard for all Groovy Whores, which is something we need to combat all the evil anti-fans of the world. He promises to school all non-fans. Hey, Josiah, could you start with the damn traffic that conspired against Gart??

Juliet believes that Hyde's conspiracy theories make mucho sense. She is conspiring to make a web page for our Groovy show which I am sure will be funky and cool. Can't wait to see that...and tell your boyfriend that you CAN be a whore to Fez and him at the same time.:0

Emily B. would rather be Hyde's Whore, but can settle for Fez. She's entered the Celebrity Deathmatch between Eva P. and Sydney(and I bet reine will jump in there too) for the Hyde-man. She even has a real orange and whote chair like in some of the pics! hey, uh, Em...wanna give the chair to a good cause *nudge nudge*?

Abbey wants to be a whore for these reasons: short skinny men from foreign countries turn her on, she is devoted to the show, and she has a fantasy of being with Fez and Eric. Dangit, Abbey, you are a whore for sheer bravery!

Sarah loves the show and says that our Toph boy is hot. Hot yeah...my hand is burning. Wait, that is from the radioactivity in the hair. never mind.

Faerie says that That 70s Show is her addiction and that it takes the place of drugs. That's all good, but dangit, does it take the place of the best drug of all...caramels??

Chloe is yet another Topher phile who is going to see a taping on the 15th o'January. Lucky girl. She has mailed a fan letter to the redhead boy, and hopes to meet him. hey, Chloe, if you DO meet him...don't say I didn't warn you about touching the hair!

Charlotte is a whore of sheer merit. She repeats conversations from the show, loves Donna and Hyde, asks for toast at lunch, tries to laugh like Kitty, thinks Laurie is a bitch....whew. You're a whore, Charlotte, for many many reasons! I'm going to go soak my poor fingers now.

Sparkle is Juliet's cohort in the new web page thang, and wants to be a whore 'cause the show kicks.She says that she loves the show even if she was born in the 80s. Hey, no biggie--I remember nothing about the 70s apart from diapers and my Humpty Dumpty.

Marisa watches the show religiously and loves Fez(as all of his whores should). She quotes the show in every singler Monday homeroom till her teacher gets angry. Hey, does the teacher call you 'punk' too? :)

Janie Huffman is an aspiring actor and dreams of being on the show so that she can die happy. She also likes the red hair and facials of uber-man Topher Grace. Good luck, Janie...just remember, the washer and dryer on the set are slippery! Erm, don't ask, OK?

Callie(aka Advil) is a bbs gal who loves Hyde. At this rate, the Deathmatch will be a huge pay-per-view event.She has hair that changes as often as Eric Forman's, which I never thought was genetically possible. She also likes the retro clothes. But, most imprtantly, she made a truly bitchin' animated pic of Topher Grace's hair changing color. I kid you not. Check it out Error! Bookmark not defined.. It's hilarious.

Cobesko is a whorish friend of Groovy Whore Maranie who is presently working on a screensaver for the show. When it's nice and ready, I'll deliver it to all of you with a smile and pregano. Woo-hoo for Cobesko!

Eileen Edwards(aka, my Hyde Picture Guru) has a Danny Masterson obsession. I guess this means she's officially joined the Celebrity Deathmatch that half the dang whores are already gearing up for. She takes damn cool pics(usually Afro Man) with her video capture that she's supposed to use for work! Don't worry, Eileen, this whore won't tell!

Sara Radosevich owns some great funky stuff of Fuchsia's Keeper List. She is yet another who would rather be Hyde's Whore(lessee, how many Deathmatch contestants does that make now??), but she admits that she cannot resist the wonderful Fez's dance moves! While Sara and Fez boogie, I'll sit back and watch Kelso have a seizure.

Pomeranc promises that she'll make a banner for me, which makes me as happy as a little girl. She is a Topher-phile of the highest power due to his 'liquid eyes'. Those anything like liquid candy?? If you start making snow angels in your undies, Pomeranc, I'm going to get scared.

Natalia and Paula wrote the new fanfic 'That 70s Files' and are from Argentina. They wrote the fanfic whilst having a night of imsomnia. I identify with you gals--I haven't slept in....erm, 21 years now?

Katie Johnston is the latest Celebrity Deathmatch contestant for the bragging rights as #1 Danny Masterson addict. She shares his frizzy hair problem(not a problem, Katie--an asset!). Even if Katie is an 80s baby, she's still whore material!

Stikboy tells me that someone he is sweet on is already a whore. Oh, the suspense, whomever could it be? Anyhoo, Stik is an aspiring actor(Stik, you should meet Groovy Whore Grant!) who loves Fez. Would you like some liquid candy, Stik?

Liz grew up in the 70s. She also dreams of Eric, fez, and a big bottle of liquid candy. Let's all support Groovy Whore Liz and her vast array of interior monologues, shall we???

Berdie is such a silly and she rocks so much. She spouts new Fez-isms after each new show, as every good Whore should. Berdie also adores the whole cast, has pics decorating her folder and binder, and is presently trying to convince her drama teacher to go take her class to a taping. I hear hypnotism works!

Groovy Red is a 60s/70s nut who loves the show. Groovy Red also likes Hyde('dreamy' was the word used). Hmm..I wonder if Groovy Red also calls people smartmouths and works at Bargain Bob's like another Red we all know...

Lane(aka Lanie Bug) has two goals: one, to meet the cast an dsee a taping, and two, to marry Ashton Kutcher. Right now, she's shooting for the first one. She's recently had two dreams in which she was hanging out with the kids. By any chance, did Danny have a Heineken?

If you want to be a whore--well, then, why the heck don't you write to me? I am not psychic, not matter what the customers of Brier Hill Pizza think!

And remember, all OFFICIAL whores, we need your suggestions for Celebrity Whores and more--all in the Whores Unite! section.

Dash off a note to me