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And now, from the home office of Point Place, Wisconsin, it's time for You know you're bored, I know I'm bored, so I figured top ten lists would be funny as heck. Read 'em and weep. 10. He's dating Jackie. 9. Not only is he dating Jackie...he's WHIPPED by Jackie! 8. He admits to being a Boy Scout. 7. The look on his face after he's smoked pot...scary, isn't it? 6. He thoroughly believes that Satan's Spawn wants him. 5. He WANTS Satan's Spawn to have the hots for him. Isn't that a sign of Armageddon? 4. "You told me Eric was cute! Remember, you told me that and then you told me not to tell him!"(right in front of our sweetie Eric, of course) 3. Memo to Kelso's brain cell: when your girlfriend's father tells the two of you to go up to her room, you do not run like hell to said room right in front of him, no matter how damn horny you are. 2. All brawn, no brains...it's a TV sitcom tradition. Remember Meathead? The Fonz? Sweetie, you're next in line.
1. Kelso? Who the heck calls themselves Kelso? ________________________________________________________________ 10. The puppy dawg eyes get them every time. 9. Call them 'boy scout'. 8. Pretend to like Todd Rundargren..Rundergin...whatever. 7. Take the free love aspect of the 70's and run wild with it. 6. Pretend to want to dump them before shagging in the back of a station wagon. 5. Did I mention free love? 4. Take all women to the bathroom when you have to go, just so the guy of your affection doesn't decide to take a long look at anyone else. 3. Tell them that the only thing they want is you. Even if they don't feel that way, the guy'll at least pretend to. 2. Build up what little IQ they have with cute little compliments.
1. Refrain from killing white guys with Afros who make fun of you...even if they won't let your daddy bail you out of a mess. _________________________________________________________________ 10.The difficulty of free love in a house with a wide-eyed teenager. 9. The quest to make the perfect tuna casserole is a tough one. 8. Raising a daughter who appears to be growing horns. 7. Keeping her family safe from the mad streaker wearing a Nixon mask. 6. That foreign exchange student possibly making long distance calls to somewhere far far away...like Milwaukee. 5. Keeping baby Eric away from that 'vixen' Pinciotti girl. 4. Figuring out the mystery of where the beer seems to disappear to when she asks Eric to put it in the fridge. 3. Perfecting the hustle. 2. Making sure that Eric's a clean cut, anti-drugs kind of boy...because her baby would NEVER smoke that marijuana. :)
1. No doughnuts in the car! Doughnuts lead to ants, which lead to girls getting pregnant in those moving bedrooms. _______________________________________________________________ 10. Making long distance calls from the Forman home. 9. The leisure suits--each and every one of them. 8. You can get lousy cafeteria food for only 45 cents! In his country, it costs at least a buck! 7. The girls of Hooterville. 6. The idea that, even though he doesn't know much English and isn't hip to American slang, everyone still thinks he's smarter than Kelso. 5. Eric Forman's basement, which is bigger than his home country and has a lot more beer. 4. That silly Pinciotti family's flag outfits...which, strangely enough, Fez wouldn't mind wearing to Prom. 3. Watching his friends smoke those silly little cigarettes while he eats corn chips galore. 2. The fact that in America, dreams can come true...if only he would suddenly become the Hooterville dog.
1. Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and even Jackie....his favorite whores of all. ________________________________________________________________ 10. Satan's Spawn is revealed to be his real mother in a cruel twist of fate. 9. Donna decides that she has found her true love...and it's Jackie. 8. Anything involving Kelso and ending with a 'nice tent'. 7. Squat-thrusts for all eternity, interrupted only by Red yelling 'Drill! Drill! Drill!'. 6. Streaking...and having the Nixon mask fall off. 5. The Vista Cruiser breaking down in the middle of nowhere,with only Eric and a very awake Jackie in the car. 4. Mr. Pinciotti giving him a home permanent. 3. His parents decide to quit throwing parties, forcing Eric to go somewhere else for his free beer...and causing Hyde to dream up yet another conspiracy. 2. Another surprise party-this time, the stupid Burger King crown refuses to come off of his head and his mother buys him a state-of-the-art, great sounding...8-track. Again.
1. The walls...they're moving...without the herbal enhancement! _________________________________________________________________ 10. Eric's vast array of...uh, tents. 9. "Gee, let's wrassle on the ground and give each other meaningful looks even though we supposedly don't have romantic intentions!" Give it up! 8. If Donna's asking the Ditz of the Year Jackie for advice, you know there has to be something going on! 7. If Donna's asking future America's Most Wanted star Hyde for advice, you know that the girl has nowhere else to turn. 6. When Fez sees the two of them together..well, he starts to have needs. 5. Eric hasn't punched Mr. Pinciotti yet, plus he pretends to like Mr. P's perm from Hell. 4. The Formans think those kids just shouldn't be left alone together...especially not in a bedroom on wheels with doughnuts! 3. Donna is civil around Satan's Spawn...which not only proves that she likes Eric, but qualifies her as a candidate for sainthood as well. 2. Eric is clueless to every hint...which, as all women know, is a sure sign that there's going to be some love going on there!
1. Well, let's just say that Donna saw much more than a little bit when good ol' Eric donned that there Nixon mask. _________________________________________________________________
10. They both have the ultimate in tacky 70's fashion sense. 9. He's more than eager to accompany her to the restroom. 8. Neither one can pronounce 'Rundgren'. 7. Maybe Fez will take her back with him to his home country, thus making Wisconsin circa 1976 a much more pleasant place to live. 6. The off chance that 'annoying' is an admirable personality trait in Fez's home country. 5. If she and Kelso stay together, they may procreate, and that's just wrong. 4. Just to see her reaction the first time he calls her 'whore'. 3. To keep him off Donna's kid sister. 2. So she can take care of Fez's 'needs'.
1. Admit it, they look good on a dance floor. _________________________________________________________________ 10. Get Bob to make his permanent permanent. 9. Find out Kitty's secret to attracting young frizzy haired men. 8. Turn the Ford leisure suit into a cocktail dress for the Fourth. 7. Counsel daughter Donna on the perils of falling off of cars at Drive-Inns. 6. Muse on the symbolism in 'Rich Man, Poor Man'. 5. Refrain from playing Yahtzee with the Formans. Red tends to cheat. 4. Buy more plastic cups in case Donna needs to make more volcanoes. 3. Find out who this 'Fez' is that Tina keeps scribbling poems about in her Social Studies notebook. 2. Stock up on sugar packets for the wobbly table.
1. Find more things for her big grizzly bear to fix in the bedroom. _________________________________________________________________ 10. Take even more lessons from Kitty till his dancing rivals John Travolta's. 9. Write her a book detailing every conspiracy ever kept from the public so that she can be safe. 8. Develop a kinship with Bob due to their alike hairstyles. 7. Convince Forman that his true love is not Donna, but Pam Macy. 6. If #7 fails, convince Buddy Morgan that Eric is feeling more and more 'confused'. Tell Buddy to go after that scrawny little neighbor boy. 5. Save up enough to be able to treat Donna to a water at the HUB. 4. Buy a big bag of...caramels and smoke enough to believe that the potted plant in the den IS Donna. 3. Actually remove sunglasses for Donna. Shock her by letting her be the only one to know his actual eye color. 2. Wear the tube socks. Every day.
1. Play basketball with her, lose, and be a man about it...not a wuss. _________________________________________________________________
10. Eric wears tie-dye instead of plaid. 9. Hyde uses hair relaxer. 8. Kelso uses a word with more than three syllables. 7. Kelso knows what that word means! 6. Jackie says 'Michael!'...and doesn't sound like Fran Drescher(those caramels sure clear the nasal passages!). 5. In Eric's eyes, the Vista Cruiser is now a Mustang...or a unicorn... 4. Donna is referred to as 'the gravylike auburnette'. 3. Not only does the wallpaper move, but Hyde thinks it's out to get him(so he hides in the dryer). 2. The kitchen table suddenly becomes level.
1. Fez reveals his home country...and it's Canada. You know that a Top Ten List is just waiting for you to write it. Don't put it off! Write one and send it over here!
Dash off a note to me
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