Generic disclaimer: The characters as recognised from the show belong to Universal Studios and Sea Change Productions. They do not belong to the author and the author does not claim them. There is no copyright infringement intended in his or her use of them. Any questions or comments may be directed to Kate Bellock at prettysamy89@hotmail.com. I Never Meant to Love Thee [G] Kate "Pretty Samy" Bellock Please direct all questions, comments, raves and death threats to: prettysamy89@hotmail.com The rhythms of the earth are changing. If you are just still enough you can feel it on the wind. If you listen just right, you can hear it in your heart. Can you feel it? Can you taste it? The air from the sea is different tonight. Can you feel it? The wind through the trees sounds different tonight. Listen. Can you hear the rhythm and the beat and the pulse of the world? They bring the change you have hoped for! I heave a sigh of relief. I am away. I fooled them, and now it's over. For now at least. I fooled them all! Except Catlin. She has seen how truly and painfully human I am. Only she had seen the glimmer of love when first I had lain eyes on Coner. Only she knew how his eyes had pierced me to the soul in those first few moments. And she knew, too, why I was afraid of my feelings for him. I had told Catlin, and no one else, my story. It has been over 3 years since my family, and all I had known, was destroyed by the Roman Empire. I remember it well. My dear husband, Elliot, I loved him with all my soul. He was my soul. I married him when I was but fifteen, and he died before my sixteenth year. My mother, my father, and the children, my brothers and sisters, some too young yet to walk, all were killed before my sixteenth year by the ones called Rome. And since I have wandered. I have stayed alive by my sharp mind and the dagger I wear at my side. I carry no other weapons. I need no other weapons. The thing that made Coner and I alike was our loss. Elliot was my soul, my heart, all I needed to live. I believe it was the same for Coner and his Claire. But the thing that made us different was how we handled it. I swore to myself after Elliot's death that I would never love again, never care about anyone. When you care, you get hurt. But Coner loves freely. He has love for all of his people, and does not seem to fear that it may not be returned. My mind turns to the day I met him, not so long ago, just days before today. It was accidental that I met him, I stay away from people when I can, but I had come to this village, small it seemed, but with many people, busy. I decided they were peaceful, though I saw many indications they were at war. We are all at war, really, for no one understands the rhythms of the earth, the fact that things must change with the beat and the pulse of the world, that nothing can stay the same forever. I was not going to enter the village, but they came from behind me, having seen my study of the people. I whirled when I heard their footsteps behind me - and suddenly looked into the most piercing eyes I have ever seen. His gaze seemed to stare straight into my heart. For one moment, I was a normal 19-year- old again, no longer carrying the burden of death and pain. Then suddenly I was myself again, ashamed of letting a man sway me so. I stop and gaze at the sky. I can still see the village behind me, can still feel him behind me. A longing overtakes me, but I put it out of my mind and continue walking, remembering as I do the friendship of Catlin. Catlin was the only one I told my story to, though I occasionally said things to Coner that allowed him to put a picture together of my life. It was not unusual in those few short days to see Catlin and I at night, sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall of a structure and talking about what had brought us there. I do not know what brought us together, perhaps we both missed the company of young women. Whatever the reason, I told Catlin far more than I have ever told anyone. But more interesting then my friendship with Catlin was my friendship with Coner. He was always kind to me, but there seemed to be something, something I couldn't see behind his kindness and courage. He had his own secrets, just as I had mine, and I didn't care. At least I told myself I didn't. I curse the night I kissed him, for it was the night that changed everything about me. It started innocently enough, indeed, quite innocently. It had been known from the beginning that I would not be staying forever, nay, only days indeed. That night, Coner asked me where I intended to go. "I don't know, really," I said. "I never know where I'm going to go. I hardly know how or why I came to this island. Perhaps I'll leave the island, perhaps I'll stay. Whichever way, it doesn't matter." Our talk went on for some time, I tried to tell him about the rhythms of the earth, how things must either change or die, but he didn't understand. I was trying to show him that fighting Rome would do no good, that the way of living he had always known was over no matter who won the war. Still he didn't understand. He could see only the way it had been, and the way it might be, and he was willing to die to keep it from changing. I'm not sure if I'm impressed by his courage, or saddened by his stupidity. I don't remember moving close to him, but I suddenly became aware of his nearness, and how close our bodies were. I cannot remember what I said, nor what he said back, but then our lips were touching, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I was screaming "NO! NO! YOU CANNOT LOVE!!! YOU SWORE NEVER TO LOVE AGAIN!!!" It lasted only a moment, though it is a moment suspended forever in my mind, and when we had broken apart again, suddenly everything rushed at me, and the feelings I had been struggling to bury rose to the surface in spite of all my efforts to hide them. I could only whisper "Goodnight" and hope he had not seen them. That was last night. The sun is low in the sky now, I pause again and wish I had not taken so long to leave. I might as well have stayed another night, I am still within sight of the village. But something had kept me until I could say goodbye to him, and once that was done I had needed to leave, to get away from the feelings that frighten me so. I remember today, early this morning, talking to Catlin. She asked me if I had to go, and I could only say yes. "I don't know what force has sent me on this mission, or even what my mission is. But whatever it is, I know I cannot stay here." I smiled. "You're the closest thing I've had to a friend in 3 years, Catlin. Thank you for your kindness." "What about Coner?" she questioned. I had tried my best to look unconcerned. "What about him?" "He likes you. I'm sure he'd like you to stay." I laughed. "It doesn't matter, Catlin. I don't care about Coner or anyone else. I told you that already." There was a pause. "I think you *do* care about him," she said in an almost accusatory fashion. "I think you care about him a great deal... and you're afraid of that." I stared at her, not understanding how she could know what I was feeling so well, almost as if she felt it herself. "Am I right?" she asked. "No, of course not, you're just being a silly little girl." "Am I?" It was a question she knew the answer to. That was all of my goodbye with Catlin. I did not get to say my farewell to Coner until later, much later. It was odd, as I knew it would be. He asked me to stay, as I knew he would. I couldn't, it was too much to ask of me, his presence near me was overwhelming. I was having trouble keeping up my facade. "You ought to stay. You're a good fighter, these people need someone like that." "I don't care about these people, Coner, and I don't care about you!" I shouted, hating the words as I said them, but knowing it was necessary to keep him from knowing how I felt for him. He turned away, trying to keep me from seeing the surprise in his face, his eyes. "You thought I was in love with you," I said, my voice so soft I could barely hear it. He didn't answer. "Didn't you?' I spoke louder now, trying to ignore the dull ache in my heart, the tears that threatened to come. "No," he said in a low voice. "No, I didn't." "Goodbye, Coner," I said, needing to leave, needing to be away from his maddening presence, my anger with myself for falling for him, his anger with himself for wanting to love me. "Where will you go?' "Anywhere. Wherever it is, it's bound to be better than here." With those words I left, and walked, and have been walking all day. The sun is nearly set before me now, and I turn one last time to look at the village, almost too far away to see, and speak softly into the sunset wind. "I do love you, Coner, and I will come back... someday." The rhythms of the earth are changing. If you are just still enough you can feel it on the wind. If you listen just right, you can hear it in your heart. Can you feel it? Can you taste it? The air from the sea is different tonight. Can you feel it? The wind through the trees sounds different tonight. Listen. Can you hear the rhythm and the beat and the pulse of the world? They bring the change you have hoped for! THE END!