Not too long ago on one of the NikitaList. Carlos, one of the list members and also the author of the *Kill Reports*, advertised a contest. The winner would get to have a day with Carlos. The winner was Spike, another list member. Carlos wrote what happened on that fateful day and I was given the task of archiving it on my page. Read and enjoy.

Note: Anyone who are not on certain La Femme Nikita mailing lists may not understand some of the references in this (especially the S.T.U.D.M.A.N reference). However, it is still really funny and if you read this you will get to have a look at the crazy stuff that happen on the LFN mailing lists. WARNING: If you don't read it, a team of operatives will invade your home and force you to read it. If you resist, we will call in Madeline, and we don't want that do we?

Part 1 - Compromised

Spike is in her apartment. She is preparing for her "Day with Carlos". As she goes about her business, an individual is watching her reflection in a mirror held up to reflect the apartment. The hand holding the mirror is gloved in black. Spike walks to the bathroom, shedding clothing as she goes and by the time she enters her bathroom, she is naked.

As Spike towels off she hears a creaking noise. She stops, listens and realizes that someone has entered her apartment. She turns on the shower, closes the shower door, and quietly closes the bathroom door. Spike then picks up an aerosol can and a lighter and stands behind the bathroom door. The door opens, and two men dressed in black enter, aim at the shower and shoot repeatedly through the shower door. As they finish firing, Spike comes from behind the bathroom door, sprays the aerosol at them and lights it with a lighter. The flame thrower effect makes both men drop their guns as they scream and try to shield their faces.

Spike reaches down, picks up one of the guns and kills both assassins. As she starts to back out of the bathroom she sees a shadow of another person in her apartment. She quickly climbs out of the bedroom window and uses the fire escape to access her balcony. As the third assassin enters and aims at the open window, Spike enters from her balcony and kills the third assassin. She is looking at the carnage, having just fought and killed three assassins -- stark naked. When the phone starts to ring Spike automatically aims for it before realizing what it is, takes a breath and goes to answer it. When she answers the phone she hears Carlos say "Spike,"

Spike: What is going on?

Carlos: Come in. This is the day we are going to spend together for your prize.

Spike: I've been compromised.

Carlos: Yea, right. That'll be the day.

Spike: No, really, I just killed three guys with "Blowtorch in a Can", naked.

Carlos: Why were there three naked guys in your apartment?

Spike: No you idiot, I was naked.

Carlos: Really? Why were you naked?

Spike: I was taking a shower. Look, this isn't funny!

Carlos: Well, is everything under control?

Spike: Yes, I think it is.

Carlos: Well, call housekeeping and come in then. We have a big day ahead of us.

Carlos hangs up the reciever and turns to Birkoff nearby.

Carlos: Hey, Birkoff.

Birkoff: What?

Carlos: What do you think about Spike?

Birkoff: Spike? I don’t know. A little arrogant maybe. Think’s she knows it all.

Carlos: Does she?

Birkoff: To early to tell. She just transferred here.

Carlos: What’s her reputation?

Birkoff: They think she walks on water. Totally dedicated to section.

Carlos: The perfect operative.

Birkoff: That’s what they say. Nothing gets to her. No one and nobody.

Part 2 - The Arsenal

Carlos: Do you know what this is?

Spike: It's that game "Go".

Carlos: Do you play?

Spike: No.

Carlos: You should.

Spike: I'm not much for games.

Carlos: Why are you here?

Spike: For my "Day with Carlos".

Carlos: Why are you here?

Spike: Because I won the damn contest!

Carlos: Why are you here?

Spike: To become a better operative.

Carlos: I thought you didn't like games?

Spike: Shut the hell up!

Carlos: Good! You might just have fun if you follow one simple rule: "Don't Piss off Carlos".

Spike: Do you always talk about yourself in the third person? Does Ops know I'm here by the way?

Carlos: No need to worry about the section. You need to worry about me.

Spike: Hey! Did your accent just change?

Carlos: Huh? No, I don't think so.

Spike: Nevermind...

Carlos: Well, let's get started. I need to take care of some routine business over at the Arsenal. A team just got back form North Africa and encountered a sand storm, so we have to clean some P-6's.

Spike: What? Clean P-6's? I didn't get dressed up and turn over my quiz to you for two weeks in order to do your cleaning for you!

Carlos: Hey! I warned you that it could be a routine day, and well, this is what I do sometimes. C'mon, we won't be at this all day, but it's got to be done. I bet the majority of it is done already...

Spike: Well, OK. Can we try out some weapons later?

Carlos: Sure, in fact I've got a new missile launcher that we can play with. Get this, it's CARBON FIBER! No METAL in it. you can walk right through any airport metal detector with it and they'll never know.

Spike: Coooool!

****

Carlos: OK, Spike here's how you tear down a P-6. Pull this lever up, flip this part down, now lift it up and it comes apart. See all the sand in here? Now we have to clean the sand out, lube them up and reassemble them. That's not too bad is it?

Spike: No, I guess not...

Carlos: You can start with this one since it's already apart, and I'll do those two.

Spike: How do you open this oil?

Carlos: You twist that right...

Spike: Damn!

Carlos: ...there.

Spike: Oh God! I'm sorry!

Carlos: Lube the P-6, not me! Oh, crap...

Spike: Oh man, I'm so sorry. I ~told~ you I didn't want to do this.

Carlos: Look, the prize was a DAY with Carlos. Try not to make it seem like a year, OK?

Spike: Shut up! You better go change your shirt...

Carlos: Yea, I better, you keep working on these and ~be careful~.

Spike: It was an accident!

Carlos: I know you are but what am I?

Spike: Jerk.

****

Carlos returns having changed his clothes.

Carlos: Finished with the P-6's?

Spike: Yep, all done.

Carlos: Good. Would you like to warm up a little before we get into the day then?

Spike: Sure, sounds good.

Carlos: Great. Let's go down to level three and get in a workout.

******

Spike is seen running on a treadmill. She appears to be near exhaustion.

Carlos: That's enough.

Spike gets off the treadmill, reaches for her water bottle, only to find it empty.

Carlos: Sorry, I must have finished it.

Spike glares at Carlos. As she puts on her sweat shirt she is suddenly attacked by two men. Spike immediately kicks the crap out of them, leaving them lying in a heap. Spike now glares at Carlos again for the surprise test and moves towards him threateningly...

Carlos: Umm, sorry about that. Let me get you another bottle of water...

He says as he hurriedly vacates the room.

Part 3- The Simulator

Carlos: You want to try the hologram training simulator next?

Spike: Sure. Now that sounds like it would be fun.

Carlos: OK, let’s get you over to Walter and he’ll get you set up.

WALTER’S AREA

Spike: Hey Walter.

Walter: Hey, Sugar. Carlos called and said to set you up for the hologram training room. This is your weapon. It’s got the identical mass of a standard 9, only it shoots lasers, not bullets.

Spike: Thanks.

Spike: What do you think of Carlos? I’m spending the day with him.

Walter: He’s OK, He’s one of the good ones.

Spike: He sure pisses me off sometimes.

Walter: I hear you do the same to him...

Spike: How long have you known him?

Walter: Ever since he became Arsenal Supervisor.

Spike: He’s different.

Walter: He’s in what I call the 5% club.

Spike: Dare I ask what that may be?

Walter: 95% of the recruits have their souls sucked out of them the first year. For some reason this place doesn’t get to everybody. He’s one of us.

Spike: Walter, sometimes I don’t know if you are incredibly wise or full of crap.

Walter: Yea, I have the same problem... (He says with a smile.)

Spike: Thanks. Thanks for the gun too.

Walter: We’re not through yet. Just take your sweatshirt off, will you? That’s good...That’s...just...that’s excellent. (He affixes the laser receptor to her chest.) Excellent. Now if you will just take off your bra.

Spike: What?

Carlos: Walter!

Walter: Ah..well you’re just fine. That’s it. Thank you. Um, hi Carlos.

Carlos: Is she ready?

Walter: She’s all yours...

They head out to the hologram training room

Spike: I never know wether or not if he’s serious or full of it, but he’s so cute when he’s a horndog I just can’t kick his ass.

Carlos: He could use a good kick in the ass once in a while!

Inside the training room

Carlos: Are you ready?

Spike: Yes.

Carlos: Go live!

Over the speaker you hear: “Commence Sequence”

As hologram enemies appear, Spike keeps up at first, but soon takes several painful shots, eventually being overwhelmed by the numerous hits she is suffering.

Spike: Stop. Stop it! This sucks!

Carlos: You can do it.

Spike: Are you serious? Did you see how often they were shooting at me? You can’t possibly keep up with that.

Carlos takes the receptor patch and gun.

Carlos: Go again.

Carlos completes the sequence while suffering a number of hits himself.

Carlos: This exercise isn’t about shooting. It’s about being shot. You will eventually. It’s what you do after that. That’s what matters. Take a breath. Let’s try it again.

Spike: About being shot?! That is your idea of fun? Why is it everything that is supposed to be “fun” around here ends up sucking so much?

Part 4 - Torture

A hooded man is shackled to a metal frame and he is wearing headphones. An operative blasts him with 100 decibels of a CD by “The Brady Bunch Kids” - singing. AAAaaauuugghhhhh! he screams in agony. They turn up the volume louder and louder and the screaming continues each time. A repulsed look covers Spike’s face. Peter Brady’s voice cracks again, and the screaming intensifies.

Spike: Oh, God... she mutters.

Carlos: You like that? Because you better get used to it if you want to hang here. It happens everyday.

Spike: What is he, some kind of criminal?

Carlos: No that’s Dave. He works here.

Spike: Why are they doing that to him?

Carlos: He pissed me off. Whined constantly and complained too much.

Spike: That’s aimed at me, right? Ummm, I get it. I’ll try to stop it.

Carlos: Good. You hungry?

Spike: Yes, I didn’t get breakfast because of the intruders in my apartment this morning.

Carlos: I know of a great place. Really classy and it’s not too far from here.

Spike: Great.

Part 5 - Lunch

Piano music softly plays in the background. They share a secluded table in the corner of a decidedly posh restaurant.

Spike: This is really a nice place, I’m kind of surprised.

Carlos: It is a nice place, isn’t it? When I want to go someplace classy, I always come here.

Spike: I hope the food arrives soon, I am really hungry.

Carlos: Well, while we are waiting, I have something for you.

Carlos unexpectedly produces a nicely wrapped package and gives it to Spike.

Spike: For me?

Carlos: Yes.

Spike unwraps what turns out to be a wooden box.

Spike: What’s this?

Carlos does not reply. Spike opens the box to find a large caliber handgun and extra clip inside.

Carlos: A blond-haired man is sitting behind me. He has a PDA in his briefcase. Get it.

Spike: What?

Carlos: When you have the unit, don’t leave through the front door. There’s a window in the men’s room. Use that. It leads to the alley. The car will be waiting.

Spike: A job? Now? But I still haven’t eaten!

Carlos: If you are not out in five minutes the car will leave without you.

Spike: Couldn’t I just have an appetizer first?

Carlos: If you don’t mind, wait until I leave.

Spike: This sucks!

Carlos then gets up and leaves. After a few seconds she realizes what she must do. She then checks the gun, walks over to the table and shoots the bodyguard and the blond man. Restaurant patrons begin to scream and duck for cover. She takes the PDA out of the briefcase and looks up to see a mysterious man with a goatee looking straight at her. She thinks this is odd, as everyone else is trying desperately not to make eye contact.

Spike: What the hell are you looking at? She says as she points her gun at him.

He turns his gaze away and she notices armed men entering from the back of the room. She hurries into the nearby men's room, only to interrupt another goateed man identical to the first one using the facilities .

Spike: What the hell? GET OUT! she yells.

The startled man hurriedly rushes past her as she makes her way to the window. She fights to open it, finally managing to get it to budge. She is horrified to find that it has been bricked over. Just as she begins to open the door to try to find another exit, bullets rip through the door. She then flings the door open and dives out of the room, hits the ground, rolls and springs to her feet, entering the first doorway she sees. Now in the kitchen, she tries to look as inconspicuous as possible while heavily armed.

Suddenly bullets whiz past her, causing an explosion of food all around her head. She fires back and ducks around a corner. Two, then three more men enter the kitchen and begin shooting towards her location. She dashes out from her hiding spot and as she appears a hail of bullets scatters yet more food and cookware all around her. She has now taken cover behind a counter. As the bullets continue to fly she hears the tell-tale click of a grenade launcher being loaded and instinctively dives through an opening in the wall in front of her just as the room explodes behind her.

She is now falling through the darkness, only to unceremoniously come crashing into a waiting dumpster. Sore and dripping with dumpster juice, she pulls herself out of the container and makes her way to the waiting car.

Carlos : Did you get the PDA?

Spike: Damn you! Yes I got the PDA, but I almost got killed, the window was bricked over!!

Carlos : I was wondering what was taking you so long. Ugh, you stink.

Spike: YOU suck!

Carlos: Let’s get you back to section and get cleaned up. You really ~do~ stink...