***Newsletter of the Section***
***Volume One, Section One, Issue One, Square One***
"Because at the Section, it's always back to Square One."
***ASK MADDY***
As a service to Section Operatives, this issue of the Section newsletter, *The Egress,* introduces "Ask Maddy," our column of useful advice. You may have seen flyers posted on bulletin boards around Section asking for anonymous questions for the first writing of this column. Some Operatives were actually brave enough to submit queries. In future, submit questions or other articles, to *The Egress* through its editor, Nobody.
Dear Maddy:
Recently I was involved in a close fire fight with another Operative, and I couldn't help noticing how really, really cute he was. Once the fire fight was over, we were both kind of pumped up with adrenaline, and well, one thing led to another, and to make a long story short, we went a bit beyond the mission profile. Afterwards, we were both kind of embarrassed, and I told him I wasn't usually that kind of girl, but he was really, really cute and I was pumped up and all, and couldn't help myself. He said, "I know what you mean." My question, Maddy, is what do you think he meant by that? I mean, I don't want to get cancelled or anything, or violate the rules, but do you think there's a chance he wants to pursue a relationship?
Signed,
Frustrated in Frostbite Falls
Dear Frustrated:
First, I suppose I should point out that as our Section office in Frostbite Falls is only a two person operation, it should be really easy to figure out which one you are. You may want to review the Section Manual on covering your tracks before trying this again. Second, as you know, relationships are not encouraged in Section. But since Michael is the only Operative specifically forbidden to have a relationship, we'll allow the possibility that you could be involved in one, as long as it doesn't interfere with either party's performance while on missions. Third, I think your Mission Buddy's remark is a wee bit too cryptic even for me to interpret without considering other variables. Such as, did he call you once the mission was over? Or did he just promise to call, and then not? Has he gone out of his way to avoid you since or made up excuses not to go on non-mission related outings with you? Such as, "My grandmother died and I have to go to her funeral?" Has she died about 6 times already this year? Is he unable to look you in the eyes whenever he addresses you, but he's not ogling your chest? These are some of the things you should consider. If, after doing all this, you still can't tell what he meant, you may have to ask him point blank (and you might actually try pointing a gun at him), "Are you interested in me, or was that night on the mission all just a dream?" But be prepared for the answer, whatever it is! Sometimes all we have is our dreams.
Maddy
I thought you should be made aware of an unfortunate situation taking place in Section. Some Operatives are playing with their weapons in very inappropriate ways. You remember that scene in the *Deer Hunter* where Christopher Walken is playing Russian roulette at some bar in Saigon and people bet each time he pulls the trigger as to whether or not he's going to blow his brains out? Well, I'm sorry to say, I saw some of the ex- Special Forces boys playing this very same game in the corner of the cafeteria the other night. Housekeeping was not amused.
Signed,
Mr. Five Percent
Dear Five:
Remember, nobody likes a tattletale. Except those of us in Section, of course. But this kind of thing should really be referred to the Section We Tip Hotline where your anonymity, Walter, will be equally protected. I have referred this matter to Ops and Jurgen has been duly warned.
Maddy
What do women want? First, I save her life, then I make mad, passionate love to her in violation of all Section's rules, then I risk my life and my career to help her out again, and just because I forgot to say three little words, she's dumped me for the first guy who says nice things to her! I mean, give me a break! This guy's done nothing nearly as risky as I have! It's just not fair!
Signed,
The Mask
Dear Mask:
I trust the words were not, "Nice shooting, Nikita?" You must realize that women need constant reassurance at every turn, need babying and coddling, and lots n' lots n' lots o' love at every turn in order to stay true to a man. It doesn't matter if the circumstances are inappropriate, you must show her your love unstintingly, and you must end every other sentence with the words, "I love you," or she just won't believe you care. Women are just not as strong as men, nor as clever, and can't always pick up on the fact that saying those three little words might lead to cancellation. Therefore, you must spell things out for them Very Carefully and speak Very Slowly: "Darling, I'm trying to cover up the fact we had a love affair, but that doesn't mean I don't care." Once you remember these simple facts about women, your love life should go much smoother. Maddy
NOTICE OF RECENT SEPARATIONS
FEATURED OPERATIVE OF THE WEEK
Stan comes to us direct from the road cast of Organization for Liberation and Destruction (OLD) where he played Third Terrorist On the Left With An Uzzi and understudied in the role of Guy With Big Knife. Stan is an expert in jujitsu, karate, tae kwan do, tai chi, hathayoga, kundalini yoga and interpretive dance, and is also one of the best practitioners in the field of taking an injury to advance a plotline. Other roles to his credit have included Man Who Gets Tortured, Man Who Gets Captured, Man Who Gets Trapped In An Elevator With A Troop of Hungry Girl Scouts, and Man Who Mistakes His Knife For A Bat. Stan received his MSA (Master of Spying Arts), 1989, from the Juilliard Conservatory for Covert Operations after receiving a BFA in Performance Art from UC-Irvine in 1986. He was a long-time resident of San Francisco until being recruited for the Section after an unfortunate incident involving a pencil, a potato, and California Senator Dianne Feinstein.
SECTION ONE CRUSHES THE CIA
Section One's covert softball team, the Material, was victorious in a closely-fought game with the CIA's team, Black Ops. Although The Material's win over Black Ops turned into a lopsided rout (10-2), the game was a tightly controlled 2-2 pitching duel until late in the ninth inning, when Black Ops' pitcher, Codename Bluejay, came down with a mysterious case of virulent, fast-acting anthrax and collapsed on the mound.
Section's coach, Codename Skipper, had contended throughout the game that The Agency's Bluejay was throwing spitballs, but his objections were overruled. After Bluejay collapsed, Black Ops' coach, Codename Cappy, demanded the rosin in Bluejay's glove be tested for the anthrax bacillus as he claimed to have witnessed a leggy blonde named Josephine (who he suspected to be a Section Operative) flirting with Bluejay and messing with his glove. However, the game's umpire, Mr. Oliver North (Col-USMC-ret), told Cappy to stop being such a "big goof" and circumvented the protest.
The Material went on to load the bases twice, scoring 8 runs on grand slams by Codename Leroy and Codename Twinkle. In a mean-spirited event early in the game, Section's shortstop, Codename Harvey, just off the disabled list after an unfortunate incident in training, went back on the disabled list after The Agency's catcher kicked him as he was sliding into home to score. Harvey suffered a broken leg. The Black Ops' catcher (name withheld pending notification of next of kin) was ejected from the game. It is believed he landed in the Potomac River, but as his body has not yet been found, that cannot be confirmed at this time.
Congratulations to The Material on a bravely fought game! Next week, The Material takes on the NSC's team, The Shredders.
...that nine out of ten Operative accidents happen in the home? So Operatives, be sure that before stowing your weapons in the underwear drawer, you remove the clip from the weapon. Because our Operatives are our most valuable assets, and we wouldn't want to see them accidentally shooting off their assets.
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