One of MUM's biggest concerns was the high degree of acronym-related disorders (ARDs) found in S1. S1 ARDs statistics greatly outranked the NIA (National Industrial Average). (FWIW, most S1 OSHA stats were higher then the NIA in all categories.) The most prevalent of these ARDs was the dreaded, Acronym-Induced Madness (AIM), which almost always has fatal consequences for S1 personnel (S1P), as it usually leads to cancellation (C). There was also a high incidence of AIR (Acronym-Induced Retinitis), AIL (Acronym-Induced Lameness), AID (Acronym-Induced Dysentery). Although these last three do not as frequently lead to C as AIM, the consequences from them can nonetheless be most serious. (In fact, it has been suggested that a recent case of an S1 operative--S1O--known only as El Greco --EG--who walked into a rotating propeller blade was due to extreme myopia caused by AIR--EMCBAIR--but that is still QED.) Flagrant use of acronyms in the S1 environment--S1E--has grown to epidemic proportions, according to MUM, and must be stopped ASAP.

Another finding of MUM was that a suspiciously low number of S1 workers--S1W--ever reach retirement age, and since resignation is not an option at S1, this is indeed cause for serious alarm. Also, those S1W who do successfully reach retirement age seem to disappear off the face of the planet. Certainly, their retirement checks are never collected.

MUM also wondered why so many S1W were involved in shooting incidents and bomb explosions. He suggested that it might be beneficial to install metal detectors at all points of ingress and egress and that classes in both stress management and good communications skills might be of great benefit.

There was a shockingly high degree of reported food poisoning cases at S1, but cafeteria staff vehemently deny it has anything to do with the greasy residue found on all the tables. And Christopher categorically refutes the assertion that the staff is doing anything inappropriate to the food of those who complain to them.

MUM found many other problems at S1 which really put HKIAT, and was set to file a scathing report on S1 with DIR/DOOSH. Fortunately, S1 was saved this embarrassment, as the report was never filed. Michael went on Mandatory Refusal (MR) until the report was successfully suppressed. MUM now resides at Row 7, Plot 21. (Which, this editor supposes, does indeed prove the assertion some have made that once in MR, Michael would C his own MUM.)

(Nobody)

What formerly white-hot Section Sweeties' ardor seems to have taken a sudden deep freeze of late? Yes, we know that these two have more ups and downs than a Sherpa on Everest, but could this be the end of our tortured twosome? We're betting no. Watch for these "cold Ops" to heat up again in the future.

What highly regarded computer genius and his kinky, red-haired, klepto main squeeze were caught "in flagrante delicto" in the White Room by none other than our favorite spectacled, briefcase-wielding freaks? There were some lame excuses about "running sims," but we're just not buying. Someone should remind "Mr. Smarty Pants" that this is Section, and there are cameras everywhere. We're still having a chuckle over the supposedly "covert" hallway meetings between "Ratgirl" and "The Mask."

What Section "Big Kahuna" has been bitten by the love bug since his recent near death experience? Word of advice "Mr. Do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do," you'll need more than a goofy grin and a cheap bauble to melt Section's "Ice Queen."

Rumors abound that "Mr. Mumbles" survived his Big Bang. Don't believe it!! The clench jawed wonder is currently residing in Row 14, Plot 26... and 27...and 28...

(Val)

             Older DMO seeks female for fun times and
             companionship.  Age, race, weight, height,
             hair color, and sense of humor unimportant.
             Must have heartbeat, know the correct end
             of a soldering iron, and have an Abeyance
             Rating higher then 2.

                                                                (Jeff)

                  HELP ME PICK OUT WHAT TO WEAR

             SMO seeks female interested in computer
             simulations, database configurations,
             uplinks, satellite tracking and gathering
             intel.  Must know how to write computer
             code and like Oreos.  Must like short/
             average height men with pasty complexions
             who wear glasses.  Please!  No kleptos!

                                                                (Jeff)

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a first for the Egress, actually publishing letters from our readers. Normally, we just file them in the circular file unless we find them suitable for savage parody. But a batch of letters got accidentally shuffled in with some of Maddy's correspondence and she asked us . . . to deal with them. So we did.

(Nobody)

***Poetry***

In a recent issue you published Section One poetry. I was overwhelmed. I am a new recruit and I was unaware that there were such sickos here. I was not told when I was brought here that I would be working with people as sentimental and emotional as you all are proving to be. It's sick and twisted!

Alexander
Level Three

***In Your Stars***

What's with all the horoscope stuff? I thought we were a rational, no-nonsense kind of an organization, scientifically-based. All this touchy-feely stuff is making me nauseous! That, plus the fact that my horoscope said I should watch my back, causing me a severe neck misalignment.

Gauguin

(Nobody)

***Road Trip***

Thank you for your very helpful reprint of Michael and Nikita's trip report for their Balkan mission. I feel I now have a much greater insight into the workings of the childish mind and am confident that if I ever run into any of these exotic creatures on one of my missions, I will not feel in the least ashamed if I run for my life.

Spock

(Nobody)

***Recently Distracted***

I wish to express my gratitude for your column on Recent Separations. What with all the comings and goings, the transfers and the cancellations, it can be rather hard to know who to expect at each station on a daily basis. Especially when your attention is on more serious matters. Your tireless efforts are greatly appreciated.

Michael

(Tawna)

Alexander, Level Three, for handing in a resignation letter, RIP
Gauguin, broken neck, RIP
Goya, lead poisoning, RIP
Van Gogh, staff infection from wounded ear, RIP
El Greco, walked into propeller blade due to extreme myopia, RIP
DOOSH bag, for bureaucratic competence, RIP
Hosebag, for rampant lust, RIP
Reilly, in the line of duty, RIP

Someone called me a bad name. Is it okay for me to just blow her up?

Signed,
Hurt Feelings

Dear Feelings:

Don't worry. Anyone who goes around shooting her mouth off like that will probably self-destruct soon any way. Don't waste your energy. Go blow off steam elsewhere.

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

OK, so when she called me that name, I was p*ssed because my favorite mentor taught me how to behave like that. "*Well*," I thought, "*he* did it to *me*!"

So can I blow her up *now*?

Signed,
Unfaired Against

Dear Unfaired:

Often the things we are called upon to do for Section are unbearable. And sometimes, it's a case of monkey-see, monkey-do. I suppose if your mentor jumped off a cliff, you'd jump off one, too?

As to the subject of name-calling, once again, I must emphasize she isn't worth your time. Remember: life is fleeting and precious, the clock is ticking away inside us all, and we cannot worry about such trivial things as name-calling. Sticks and stones and bullets and internal time bombs may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Maddy

I don't get around much and today I saw my first two women making googly-eyes at each other. I felt kind of funny inside. Not in a bad way. In fact, in kind of a good way. Now, I'm kind of confused.

Signed,
Blushing

Dear Blushing:

What you are experiencing is perfectly natural, nothing to worry about. Just relax, enjoy, have a cigarette.

But what I really want to know is this: Was *Ops* there? Was *he* enjoying himself? Did *he* have a cigarette afterwards? And did he give anyone *jewelry*?

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

I don't think I get paid enough to clean up some of the messes the operatives leave behind.

Signed,
Louise the Cleaning Lady

Dear Louise:

I know, dear, I'm so sorry. I leave Section for one week, and *everything* goes to hell in a hand basket! Insufficient forethought went into the incident in Containment Room #7. If certain members of the Observation Team had been thinking instead of ogling, they would have realized a pre-death body bag insertion would have saved others lots of time and trouble. But they rarely think of others. I have to do *all* the thinking of others around this place.

I hope you remembered to put on your BioHazard suit before attempting that clean up, Louise, dear? We wouldn't want you coming down with anything exotic, now, would we? I'll make sure there's a bonus in your paycheck. And stop by the cafeteria after work on Friday. I've arranged for Christopher to whip you up a hearty tripe and bean soup, some steak and kidney pie, and a nice pineapple upside down cake for dessert.

Take care of yourself out there!

Maddy

(Orange Donna & Nobody)