As a service to Operatives who may be doubting their vocation, we offer the following short (but far from comprehensive) checklist:

If you're one of those people who, when you see a subject line which says, "Just a test--don't read," reads it anyway ...you may belong in Section One.

If you think intensive therapy is a bad thing ...you may belong in Section One.

If black is your favorite color ...you may belong in Section One.

If you think that freedom is just an illusion, even in the real world, and as long as there's life, there's hope ...you may belong in Section One.

If "life without possibility of parole" is at the top of your resume ...you may belong in Section One.

If you think intimate moments should be shared via audio link with your coworkers ...you may belong in Section One.

If "anti-social tendencies" is your one redeeming features ...you may belong in Section One.

If you think working for the most covert anti-terrorist group on the planet is a quality of life issue ...you may belong in Section One.

Operative Jurgen: for freedom! RIP
Operatives Marv, Albert, Bilbo, Fred, Tina, Lulene, Tiger, Kip, Arthur, Reilly, Bert, Ernie, Tanya and Nancy, in the line of duty, RIP

***Intriguing Peru!***

v Be whisked away for a two week, all-expenses paid sojourn to bucolic Peruvian mountain locales to track the last vestiges of the Shining Path Guerrillas in order to cancel them one by one by one. Interrogate suspects by sailing romantic Lake Titicaca with Ops' seven-year-old nephew, Aethelstan, who loves saying, "Titicaca," over and over and over and breaking into peals of girlish laughter. One hour of Aethelstan's company will break even the most hardened terrorist, but be sure to put the wax in *your* ears or you may fling yourself into Titicaca's enchanting waters!

***Captivating Paris***

Enjoy the *joie de vie* to be found only in the City of Lights with one week of exciting nightlife, attempting a rescue of Section members held by Action Directe in their Paris headquarters. Thrill to the staccato rhythms of machine gun fire on the Champs Elysee; enjoy the mysterious romance of the banks of the Seine at 3 a.m. on a very foggy night while storming a barge where some of your colleagues are bound with duct tape; have fun with a cat-and-mouse-game of tracking terrorists through the Sewers of Paris. This will be one trip you won't soon forget!

***Liberating Liberia***

Journey to exotic Africa and soak up the majestic feel of the land where humans evolved. Feel part of something important as you help with the ongoing clean up following an unfortunate "stunt" perpetrated on an earlier Section mission. Take in local culture and munitions as you safari through the countryside with Alhaji Kromah's rebel faction. They'll show you a wilder time then you're likely to fine on *any* continent!

For booking details, contact Madeline DuJour in our Travel office, Level 2. Space is limited, so book early to be sure you have a reservation!

Operative: Aethelstan
Codename: Worf

Aethelstan is among the youngest operatives at Section One and it probably is no coincidence that he is related to the Big Man himself, our own Ops. Yes, their shared genes obviously offer up only the finest strain of covert bloodlines. True to his birthright, Aethelstan distinguished himself very early in life when at age 5 he turned his parents in for smoking pot in their bedroom. The following year, however, he was institutionalized for Super Gluing his baby brother to the mattress pad of his crib. Subsequently, Aethelstan broke out of the institution and joined forces, at age 7, with a clique of rogue Star Trek fans called the Pan Star Trek League. The PSTL's demands include having some version of the Star Trek Universe on every national television network in the world because (as their manifesto states) "The Star Trek Universe is infinite in the variety and scope of its scenarios and we'd all be much better human beings if we just adopted Starfleet's Prime Directive." To reinforce their demands, the PSTL took a page from the Children's Crusade and wired Aethelstan with explosives, sending him into the United Nations building in New York, manifesto in hand. Fortunately for Aethelstan, Arnie, the PSTL bomb maker, had used the Star Trek Technical Manual to manufacture this explosive and it turned out to be a dud. Ops decided it might be best for Aethelstan and the world if he kept a closer eye on his nephew, and Aethelstan subsequently, "died while the bomb squad tried to defuse the bomb," and came into Section One. Since entering Section, Aethelstan has excelled at creative interrogation techniques, psychological warfare, and Resident Evil 2.

*Carlos' Guide to the Fine Art of Killing* .....(60-min. video)

or

*The Stylish Man's View to a Kill* .....(large "coffee table book" format)

The impeccable Carlos' compendium of the "Best of Kill Reports for 1997." Not-to-be-missed for those who want not only to kill in cold blood, but look good while doing it.

*The Revised Star Trek Technical Manual*.....(Book)

*Featuring Bombs That Really Work-- Unless They're Jamming the Remote and Somebody Has To Go Back In and Manually Set It Off*

by Walter Doobie

*How to Excel At the Game of Go: Section Edition*..... (3-hour video or CD-ROM)

by Jurgen Myway

Join master strategist Jurgen as he takes you through the intricacies of the intriguing game of "Go." Filled with half-finished, enigmatic, badly mumbled explanations of the rules, this game--like Section--teaches the Operative to think for themselves, take initiative, and, above all, to never trust appearances.

*The Operative's Guide to Personal Grooming*.....(Book)

by N. S.

N. S. discusses the importance of personal grooming to an Operative's ability to function in Section, especially the little known necessity of scrubbing one's back thoroughly after every mission.

To order any of these media, please contact Madeline Aucontraire in our Education office, Level 3.

*****

***ASK MADDY***

Dear Maddy:

I have a question about the Section dress code. I know we are supposed to "dress to kill," to always present an image that reflects well on the Section, and to be seductive at every turn. I also know that your unfailing guidance in these matters has allowed many an operative to avoid fashion faux pas. However, I recently had the very embarrassing experience of winding up in Glamour magazine on their "Fashion Don't's" page! I mean, I had that little black bar over my eyes, but I'm sure all my colleagues will know it's me. Apparently, Glamour didn't like my 60s retro brown suede floppy-brimmed hat. How can I avoid such embarrassment in future?

Signed,
Floppy

Dear Floppy:

First, you should have eliminated the photographer and contained the situation. Second, you must remember that although trendy fashion may be fun, youthful, and show your high spirits and individuality, it can also make you stick out like a preppy at a Metallica concert. Sometimes it's difficult to know how to present yourself, but we are a *covert* organization, after all, and blending in is preferable. As boring as I know it can sometimes be, a classic fashion statement is always best. It will allow you to be acceptable no matter what situation you may find yourself in. Unless, of course, you are attending a Metallica concert.

Maddy

***** Dear Maddy:

Late last year, I was asked to share my in-Section quarters with a bratty seven-year-old until "other accommodations could be made." Well, it's been two months now and he's still here. He's driving me crazy saying "Titicaca" and "Uranus," then giggling about it all night long, and also with playing endless games of Resident Evil 2 (when everyone knows Mortal Kombat Mythologies if *far* superior). And if I have to watch *Star Trek V: The Undiscovered Country* one more time, I'll scream! (Nimoy *is* a better director.) Should I complain formally or just move out?

Signed,
Resident Computer Genius

Dear Genius:

It sounds like the little fella is *quite* irrepressible. But onay on the omplainingcay, if you know what's good for you. Remember whose nephew he is. Normally, I don't advocate running away from problems, but I think in this case it might be best if you find your own pad and leave the little tike where he is. Besides, it's about time you left "home," don't you think, Seymour?

Maddy

*****

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Graphic Artist: Nobody
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