Although satisfaction levels on food quality mostly ranged from fair-to-good, disapproval for the weekly featured entree, Wednesday Surprise, was almost universal. One anonymous wag compared it to "Soylant Green." (And if we find out who that was, he/she will get a *real* surprise.) Another stated, "Even the plastic fruit looks more appetizing." Desire for a greater variety in the kinds of foods offered was expressed, and that desire will be addressed. However, it should be pointed out to those who asked for an in-house Section McDonald's that it is not only not feasible at this time, but contrary to Section policy of having healthy, fit operatives. No junk food will be added to the cafeteria menu for the foreseeable future.

As to staffing and service satisfaction, most respondents indicated that it was adequate. (Although one respondent queried, "Does the staff understand the concept of cleanliness?") Many expressed an interest in seeing more attraction hair nets on Mary Agnes and Philip in the service area, and noted that both of them seem to take the euphemism "slinging hash" far too literally. The sneeze guards take the worst of this euphemismistic behavior, but some operatives noted that they never wear their *best* clothing to the cafeteria, just in case. We will, of course, remind both Mary Agnes and Philip that their behavior may have been appropriate at the Dover Institute for the Criminally Insane, but it is not acceptable in Section.

The lowest marks in the entire survey went to the actual cafeteria facility itself, the remarks ranging from, "cold, dark, bleak, and sterile" to "always smells like vegetable beef soup" to "What is that oily substance which coats all the tables?" We have not yet identified the oily substance (theories range from residue left over from the cooking process of the Wednesday Surprise to another of Frick and Frack's experiments in terror). However, we are making every attempt to not only identify it, but to have it removed from the premises. Also, we will be installing air fresheners throughout the facility, so hopefully the cafeteria will soon smell like an alpine meadow (in which someone is cooking vegetable beef soup). As to it being "cold, dark, bleak, and sterile"--well, this *is* the Section. Why should the cafeteria be any different from the rest of the place?

General Information.........If you have to ask, you don't want to know.

Recruiting/Personnel........Sing-Sing, Level 8x12

Office of Retirement Benefits........Currently unstaffed

Reprogramming........Currently unstaffed

Sick Bay........Doc Zimmerman, Level 5

Separations........Morticia, Level 3x6

Workmens' Compensation........Guido, Level Deep 6

Housing........Gomer, Split Level

Accounting........Irma, Level 2 to the 10th power

Surveillance Equipment........Tom--don't worry, he'll find you

Operative: Mary Agnes
Codename: Thelma *and* Louise

Mary Agnes comes to us from the Dover Institute for the Criminally Insane via the Harvard MBA program. Mary Agnes started her career at Notre Dame des Folles Girl's Academy, Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where she was affectionately known as "St. Mary of the Birch Rod" for the many trips she made to the Mother Superior's office for "disruptive behavior" back in the good ol' days before corporal punishment was considered child abuse. (The Mother was fond of saying, "A leathery backside is the foundation of strong character," a maxim Ops was thinking of adopting for the Section.) Once Mary Agnes' character had been thoroughly strengthened, she graduated Notre Dame des Folles and attended Loyola University in Los Angeles, California, where she majored in belfry climbing and bell ringing, earning her the nickname "Quasimodo." From there, it was a straight shot to Harvard. After receiving her MBA (1989), Mary Agnes went on to become a corporate takeover specialist with Grillem, Cheathem, Crusher, Flatte, Inc. The boys at GCCFI liked to call Mary Agnes "The Widowmaker." In fact, she took this nickname so literally and got so good at her job, that several mysterious deaths of CEOs who were resisting her takeover attempts were finally laid conclusively at Mary Agnes' feet. That is when she relocated to the Dover Institute and came to the Section's attention. Her career as an operative was cut short, however, when it was discovered she suffered from multiple personality disorder. One personality would kill in cold blood, while the other dissolved into helpless tears. Mary Agnes was slated for cancellation, but Mitzi of the cafeteria staff was finally called to that Big Section in the Sky and Mary Agnes was moved into her slot (unnumbered), where both of her personalities could find fuller expression.

Please stop by the Section's Weapons Arsenal and fill out an evaluation form for our new developmental weapons. Remember: the weapon you evaluate today may save your life tomorrow!

Eric, for electronic stupidity, RIP

Lois, Lane, Clark, Kent, Eustache, Alpha, Omega, and Reilly, in the line of duty, RIP

Dear Maddy:

I just heard an amazing thing from a fellow operative. He told me that the Section actually makes *back ups* of all its important computer files! Is this true? How long has that been going on? And do they keep them somewhere in a big library? What incredible foresight if this is so!

Signed,
Whiz

Dear Whiz:

Somebody wasn't paying attention in computer class. Yes, all electronic files are backed up at the Section. We make duplicate electronic files, and yes, we even have hardcopy. In fact, we make backups of the backups of the backups on mainframe after mainframe after mainframe. These are housed, respectively, on Levels 10c-10e. But being Section, and not wanting all our eggs to be in one basket, we also have a backup of the backups in mainframes located in Grover Mills, New Jersey and St. Exupery, France. Of course, those aren't the *real* locations. You didn't think I'd really tell you, did you?

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

I wanted to write and let you know what a wonderful boon to spycraft the Section in-house dance studio has been. In a recent very sensitive situation, I was able to build upon the techniques I learned in Basic Slow Dance and cut right through endless hours of conversation and persuasion to achieve my desired results. I especially found helpful the unconventional hand positioning taught by our dance instructor, Mr. Murray. He calls it "Mambo a la Digits," and it has led me to many a stimulating improvisation. Kudos to Mr. Murray and the whole idea of dance floor espionage!

Signed,
Mr. Handy

Dear Handy:

I have passed your kudos on to Mr. Murray. Be sure not to miss his latest lesson: "Tangoing Your Targets." I understand it is *muy caliente*!

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

I am perplexed. Section personnel spend endless hours on the computer and yet to the best of my knowledge, none of them every comes down with overuse injuries like carpal tunnel syndrome, neck and shoulder spasms, hand cramps, numbness, blurred vision, flat bums, etc. Why is it that we here at Section have escaped all the benefits of the Communications Age?

Signed,
Mr. Types Too Much

Dear Types:

It's in the water. Yes, we here at Section have an important additive in all drinking fountains and in all food and beverages to be found in the cafeteria. This additive--exoplastomacarenaeum--strengthens bones and muscles in 12 ways. But more importantly, it shuts off the pain centers in the brain, so even if our personnel do suffer from overuse ailments, they'll never know it until there bodies finally collapse in a pitiful heap. Then they are referred to our Workman's Compensation specialist, Guido, in Level Deep 6. Generally, they are not heard of again.

Maddy

*****

Editor: Nobody (who makes no claim to know anything about the English language)
Writers: Tawna & Nobody
Graphic Artist: Nobody
Layout & Paste up: Nobody
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