Saturday morning's session featured talks by some of Section One's seasoned operatives. Of special note was a talk given by Nikita entitled, "Quality of Life vs. Quantity of Life." Nikita's essay pointed out that as long as an operative did exactly what the Section told them to do, there was no reason why they couldn't enjoy an exuberant, full life while working for the Section--for however long they managed to survive--and that opeatives should always say a big "Yes!" to life.

This talk was followed by one from Michael, "One From Column A, One From Column B." Michael's point of view was somewhat different from that of Nikita. He contended that one could "feel things all the time"--just not while on duty. An operative, he said, must keep the personal strictly separate from Section business. Michael suggested studying the attitude of Gort, the robot from *The Day the Earth Stood Still* for an example of proper comportment while working, and to use the following phrase as a emotion-controlling mantra: "Klaatu berada neckto."

Birkhoff gave a brief talk called, "What's A Personal Life?" and Walter finished off the morning session with "Go With the Flow." This talk emphasized the importance of situational ethics and the attractions of a hedonistic lifestyle as a means of maintaining one's sanity and preserving one's life while working in Section One.

For the afternoon session, talks were given by Ops and Madeline. Ops addressed the subject of "Whatever It Takes," emphasizing that as long as everyone did everything he told them to, didn't get involved with anyone outside the Section, and didn't get involved with anyone *inside* the Section, they could pretty much do whatever they wanted with their personal life.

Madeline's talk, "A Bansai Is Just A Stunted Tree," explained how emotions could not be denied, they existed whether we wanted them to or not, but they didn't necessarily have to "grow all over the place like weeds." On the contrary, she said, emotions could be channeled and formed and shaped and ruthlessly pruned into something less grand but still aesthetically pleasing.

The capper for the workshop was a surprise visit from the Mysterious but Powerful George who greeted the workshop participants wearing a black hood. Although muffled by this concealing garment, George nonetheless gave a memorable (but mumbleable) speech: "You Have No Life--Get Used To It!" George pointed out that since many Section personnel were the scum of the earth, they should just be grateful to be alive.

Everyone who attended the workshop agreed it was an interesting way to spend a Saturday.

In last week's Friday the 13th edition of the Egress we provided a list of important contact information within Section. Among those listings was:

Sick Bay........Doc Zimmerman, Level 5

We wish to correct that entry. The real life persons to contact in Sick Bay (which is more correctly called medlab) are, of course, Drs. Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. Doc Zimmerman is, of course, the emergency medical hologram (to be used only in case Drs. Jung and Freud are otherwise occupied).

We apologize for this error and any inconvenience it may have caused Section personnel or Drs. Jung and Freud. We would especially like to express our regrets and deepest sympathy to the friends of Jo-Jo the Dogfaced Operative who waited for a call back from Doc Zimmerman for an appointment for his rabies booster shot. He will be missed.

Jo-Jo the Dogfaced Operative, rabies, RIP

Ethel, Fred, Lucy, Ricky, Ozzie, Harriet, Donna, Reed and Reilly, in the line of duty, RIP

Operative: Jo-Jo the Dogfaced Operative
Codenames: Rover, Shep, Spot, Rex, King, Boomer, Buddy, Tippy and Rick

Jo-Jo the Dogfaced Operative started out life at the Scribb's Laboratory for Biological Research. Scribb's scientists thought it would be a really neato kobeato idea to combine human DNA with that of a Golden Retriever, sit back, and watch what happened. What happend was Jo-Jo: part man, part dog, all bad. Right from the start, Jo-Jo preferred biting the hand that fed him to licking it, and the people at the Scribb's Lab were thinking that perhaps having Jo-Jo neutered might curb this dog's aggressiveness. When Jo-Jo heard of these plans, he couldn't escape fast enough! For Jo-Jo was not just another furry face--there was a criminal mastermind above *his* flea collar!

Jo-Jo hid out for a while at Ringling Brothers-Barnum and Bailey, but his evil nature soon reasserted itself. Although Jo-Jo was only three years old, in dog years that was twenty-one, and he fell hopelessly in lust with Karina, mistress of a trained poodle act. But Karina loved Rocco, the brawny circus strongman. Jo-Jo tried heisting his leg all around Karina's tent to mark his territory, but Rocco pretty much ignored it. And frankly, Karina found it disgusting. One night while leaving Karina's tent, Rocco was savagely mauled to death. Suspicion naturally fell on Jo-Jo. Animal Control was call and Jo-Jo found himself in the Death Row wing of the Pound. That's when Section took charge.

At last someone was able to keep Jo-Jo on a short leash! He was used very effectively in many missions, often posing as a guard dog to lure the real guard dogs away from our operatives. Jo-Jo was also a top-notch gatherer of intel, ingratiating himself into many a household with his classic sad-eyed lost doggy ruse. And, of course, he was a great favorite at Section picnics where his frisbee catching skills were the wonder of all who beheld them. Unfortunately, due to a clerical error, Jo-Jo failed to receive his rabies booster shot and recently succumbed to that dreaded disease. He had to be "put down" by Frick and Frack last week. He will be missed.

Dear Maddy:

I am confused. On my last mission, my partner and I had to pose as a married couple. During one part of the mission, my partner asked me to do a strip tease for him while he planted a bomb. Afterwards, he threw me down on a bed and kissed me in a *most* passionate manner. Too bad the bomb went off when it did or who knows what might have happened? Do you suppose he likes me *in that way*?

Signed,
Leather Unmentionables

Dear Leather:

As you know, we are often called upon to "play a role" for the Section, and sometimes this role playing can be quite confusing to new operatives. However, the line between role-playing and genuine externalizing of emotion is a thin one, and even experienced operatives can confuse the two. Some questions you should ask yourself about your recent close encounter: Did he continue to steal looks at your strip tease even while he was planting the bomb? Did he hurry back to you as soon as the bomb was planted? Did he kiss you anywhere in the neighborhood of your belly? Did he take advantage of the situation to slip you some tongue? And when he spoke, did his voice sound husky? If you can answer yes to any or all of these questions, chances are he was thinking with more than his brain.

Maddy

I am confused. On my last mission, I was paired with an operative who bit me on the cheek in a most provocative manner. It was definitely an odd and unexpected thing to do, but I have to admit, I kind of liked it. Mother warned me about all kinds of girls, but she skipped the lesson on ones who bite. What do you suppose this means?

Signed,
Mr. Brown Pants

Dear Pants:

Ah! If only Jo-Jo the Dogfaced Operative was still with us! He could quote you chapter and verse on the hidden meanings of biting. Alas, I'll have to field this one myself. Just as dancing can often be considered pre-copulatory behavior, so biting can sometimes be a "warm up." Some questions you should ask yourself about this bite on the cheek: Was she smiling just before she bit you? Was it close to dinner time and was she hungry? Did the bite follow close on the heels of any talk about sex or a provocative statement, such as, "He was my first . . . my only true love"? And was this biting behavior followed later in the evening by slow dancing? If you can answer yes to any or all of these questions, chances are she had more than your cheek on her mind.

Maddy

*****

***EDITORIAL NOTE***

Contributions to *The Egress* are always welcome.

*****

Editor: Nobody (who makes no claim to know anything about the English language)
Principle Writer: Nobody
Graphic Artist: Nobody
Layout & Paste up: Nobody
From A Concept By: Nobody
Based On An Idea By: Nobody
In Cooperation With: Nobody
This Has Been a Production of: Nobody

Published now and then when Nobody wants it.

This newsletter is a work of fiction and should not be taken to refer to any real Section One operatives-- either living or dead.

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