The Power Structure

Some of you may be wondering what the Section is doing to fill the very noticeable gaps in our ranks due to the recent disturbances. We are happy to inform you that our recruiting scouts picked up the pace of their endeavors immediately after their return to headquarters. In an attempt to find qualified candidates for Section One, our scouts are canvassing all the major prisons, both domestic and international, and are infiltrating narco-terrorist and politico-terrorist organizations, assassins/terrorists-for-hire collectives, organized crime families, used car lots, high school computer clubs, as well as the offices of corporate raiders and corporate lawyers, congressional and senatorial staffs, Linda Tripp, and groups of White House interns. Many frame up scams and "suicides" are already in progress, and we should be seeing a bumper crop of new recruits in the next few weeks. When dealing with these "newbies," please try to recall the confusion and terror you felt when you first entered Section, and remember that kindness may be rare in Section One, but is still very much appreciated.

Once again Section One is having its infamous Rummage Sale, to be held this coming weekend. Due to the constant turnover in Section personnel, the high costs of training new operatives and furnishing them with acceptable places to live, and the limited amount of storage space, we need to both clear out and raise hard currency. Show your dedication to Section by donating clothes, weapons, furniture (home and office), and nick nacks.

Please bring donations of clothing to Madeline. Donations should be free of blood stains and bullet holes. (Got that Michael? And Madeline suggests that Nikita leave the hats at home.)

Any and all weapons, explosives, and (after the recent party) archery equipment, tracking devices and/or surveillance equipment should be brought to Walter. Walter's dog, Bud, will also be checking all items for contraband.

All computers, software and hardware will be given to Birkoff for inventory control and virus checks. And all computer games will be checked thoroughly for bugs and viruses as well. The games may be available for redistribution through Birkoff's game library.

All proceeds will go to the reequiping of Section's losses after the War with Red Cell. (I believe most of you remember that.) In case you don't feel like donating, you might think about that shabby old torn kevlar vest you complained about last mission. We are keeping records of who is helping and will be issuing new vests after the sale.

Thanks for your cooperation,
Operations (as dictated to Tawna)

Ops has declared a Red Cell Fire Sale to be held in conjunction with the Section One Rummage Sale. Many interesting and unique items will be offered in this sale. For those of you who admire the artist, Salvador Dali, there will be many fine Dali-like objets d'art-ish offerings: partially melted watches, guns, knives, belt buckles, and the like. In addition, there will be some unidentifiable (but still strikingly interesting) melted objects. These items have warped into some rather unique shapes and will make sensational conversation pieces in your apartments, should you choose to redecorate. (Sledgehammers supplied upon demand.) You'll be the envy of all your friends (if you have any left) who will appreciate your fine taste in modern art! No one needs to know where these things really came from, now do they?

However, contrary to some of the more morbid rumors which have circulated around Section, we will not be offering shrunken skulls or "ash sculptures" at this sale. (And may this editor state for the record that whoever thought up that rumor is one sick puppy indeed! That's the Section spirit!)

Forty percent of all Section personnel (see special Addendum posted on Section bulletin boards, in the line of duty, RIP

Reilly, in the line of duty, RIP

Due to the recent upheavals, all of the operatives we planned to feature for the next six months have been killed in the line of duty. We will regroup and have a new featured operative of the week selection next week.

Considering the week we've all had, I think we could use a laugh, don't you? In an attempt to show the "human" side of Section One and to get to know each other better, we will be adding this as a regular feature to the Egress. What is *your* most embarrassing Section One moment? Please send your confessions to Tawna, our embarrassment coordinator (DawnZiegler@deepwell.com). First up, the fearless Michael:

Tawna: What is your most embarrassing Section One moment?

Michael: Well, it would have to be that time in Eastern Europe. We went in to blow up a chemical plant. Things were going great until I was shot. Several times. I even missed the van. (Of course, I was *right at the fence* when I was shot the last time, but I won't go into that.) That wasn't the most embarrassing part. In need of medical attention, I found a nurse who was sort of willing to help me. She risked a lot in the process. I was pretty out of it, the pain and the fever and all. Not that I am making excuses here. No way. I just didn't think about what might happen if someone came to check on her since she hadn't been back to work. Oh yeah, back to the embarrassing moment. As a trained observer I know better than to leave an area in any other way than as I found it. Well, that day I messed up. After using the bathroom I left the lid up. That one small act blew my hiding place faster then Walter can blow up a building. Hmm, I wonder if that was what Petrosian meant by his little incompetent remark in Madeline's office?

A note from Maddy:

Due to the recent convulsions at Section, this column was deluged with many a heartfelt request for clarification. Unfortunately, our space here is limited, or I would have gladly answered all questions. Instead, I have taken what I hope is a representative sampling of some of the questions asked. If anyone would like further clarification, I will be happy to have a private "chat."

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

If a guy says certain significant things to a girl but is bleeding from the ears and nose at the time, is it a good idea to believe him, or is it better to wait until he repeats it after he's been hospitalized?

Signed,
Ratgirl

Dear Ratgirl:

Generally, bleeding from the nose and ears indicates at least mild brain trauma. Now, if that is the only circumstance under which a young man declares his feelings for a young lady, it might be appropriate for her to question the accuracy of his statements. However, brain trauma doesn't necessarily mean that it was all a lie. Sometimes under duress and the effects of trauma, people will declare what is truly in their hearts, when otherwise they might guard that information as if it was the access codes to the Defense Department computer network. There is no easy way to determine whether what your young man said was a lie, an hallucination, or a deeply guarded truth. Try to be alert in case he whispers those sweet nothings to you again once he's on the mend!

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

I would like to point out that while certain people were busy evacuating and safeguarding important electronic media from Section headquarters during the recent crisis, *other* people apparently were busy ransacking private quarters *in* Section! These *looters* took from me several important items of electronic entertainment media, namely, an extensive library of games, my special identity-encoding "chat" modem, and *certain videos.* How can Section allow such things to occur?

Signed,
Mr. Structural Integrity

Dear Integrity:

As George so aptly pointed out at the workshop two weeks ago, we at Section *do* work with the scum of the earth. They are thieves and murderers, after all, and can't be expected *not* to take advantage of special circumstances, especially since we develop these natural tendencies further once they come to Section One. These tendencies can be very useful for accomplishing Section goals. Also, Seymour, don't you remember the little chat we had after your presentation, "What's A Personal Life?" for that aforementioned workshop two weeks ago? I know "a lot has happened" since then, and we may fall back on old habits in times of stress, but I thought we had made significant breakthroughs at that time. I thought we agreed, Seymour, that you didn't need crutches like those *certain videos,* and that you were going to try a few more "real life scenarios." Whatever happened to Gail? She seemed like a nice girl.

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

How does a fella know if he is going through male menopause? I mean, for women the signs are much clearer, but do men go through a phase of rampant emotionalism during this time of their life, too?

Signed,
Challenger

Dear Challenger:

Men experience emotionalism all through their lives just as women do, so emotionalism alone is not an indication of male menopause. Male emotionalism, however, is generally called by different, less pejorative, names. Instead of "that time of the month," men experience "acting like a man." Generally, these testosterone displays are brought on by situations in which males feel their authority is being challenged, or they are somehow made to feel less an alpha male and more a beta, or even a delta, male. This kind of situation is called "jockeying for position" instead of the female equivalent of "cat fight."

In monkeys, this process of "jockeying for position" usually results in a baring of teeth, loud shrieks and waving of arms, and pounding the ground with tree branches and stones. Next, the stronger, larger, dominant alpha male will chase the lesser males around in circles for several minutes, then stand in a prominent place and pound his chest in victory. After this display, the alpha male will often have his way with all the female monkeys, but usually no participants will be seriously harmed (even the females, who are always willing to put out for an alpha male monkey). (Of course, the lesser male egos may be damaged a bit.)

The forms of "jockeying for position" in human males vary widely, of course, since humans are not monkeys. But often in human males, "jockeying for position" results in gunfire.

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

I've been plagued with nightmares. Although this is nothing new for me, lately they have been particularly vicious. It may have something to do with me having recently gone through hours and hours and hours of torture, and also having to confess my innermost feelings to someone--all in the same mission. Talk about having a bad day!

In my nightmares, I am inside a cage dangling from the ceiling which keeps colliding with another cage dangling from the ceiling. Inside the other cage is the person I'm trying to confess my innermost feelings to, but she's got her fingers in her ears and she's singing loudly off key, "La la la la! La la la la!" Every once in a while, she shouts, "I can't *hear* you!" then continues singing. Did I mention that just before being put in the cage somebody had beat me up really bad so that I was bleeding from my nose and ears? What do you suppose this means?

Signed,
Mr. Elm Street

Dear Elm:

I have absolutely no clue what this could mean. Wow! You've absolutely stumped me on this one. I mean, I'm listening, but obviously I don't hear you, or else I hear only what I want to hear, or my own emotions and the baggage I'm carrying with me from my own traumatized childhood are so much in the way I can't perceive the subtleties in your message, or the incredibly horrible bind you find yourself in trying to reconcile Section's needs with your own. Boy, I may have to go back and hit the textbooks to see if I can figure this dream out. Sorry! :-)

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

Okay, what do I tell my neighbors about having a gun battle in my apartment and having to run around in my patio butt naked while doing it?

Signed,
Ms. Fire Fighter

Dear Fire:

Fortunately, this is TV and we don't have to think up logical scenarios for all circumstances. Just say nothing. Your neighbors won't have noticed a thing, I assure you. And just thank God for small miracles that when the phone rang and Michael said, "Josephine," the writers had you say, "I've been compromised," rather than "I've been exposed."

Maddy

Dear Maddy: Please note for my file two items which need to be updated:

1. I have a sense of humor.
2. I will shoot without being provoked *if* tortured with superheated rats held to my face, *or* if they beat the holy heck out of someone I care about.

Thank you,
Nikita

Dear Nikita:

Duly noted.

Maddy

*****

Editor: Nobody (who makes no claim to know anything about the English language)
Writers: Tawna & Nobody.
Graphic Artist: Nobody
Layout & Paste up: Nobody
From A Concept By: Nobody
Based On An Idea By: Nobody
In Cooperation With: Nobody
This Has Been a Production of: Nobody
At the Behest of: Nobody
For the Edification of: Nobody

Published now and then when Nobody wants it.

This newsletter is a work of fiction and should not be taken to refer to any real Section One operatives-- either living or dead.

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