Black is fine as a basic backdrop for most colors, but you MUST accessorize if you intend to blend in! Masses of green beads, green and white horizontal striped "Cat in the Hat" hats, green beer mugs, a T-Shirt saying "I Got River Faced on Shit Street" and green socks can go a long way towards completing your disguise as one of the revelers. (I just described a lovely picture of OPS outside Clary's pub that I took with my Polaroid...)

While looking for that nuclear warhead, take time to....

*Go wading in a green fountain..... (be sure to take off your shoes and socks first!)

*Straddle a park cannon while singing, "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." (Birky has a lovely voice--so glad I had my tape player, especially when he redid the words of the chorus to "When Operation's smiling, it means you're gonna die!")

*Kiss a fellow operative full on the lips! Heck, you can even kiss a parade horse full on the lips! (I am sooo glad I had my Polaroid for that oh so special picture of Walter and that Clydesdale!)

Visit the local sites while you are on that recon mission.....

Warheads can be anywhere.....

Might as well have fun looking.....

All pubs, museums, shops, historic sites are fair game......

Got a lovely video of Maddy sitting on a gravestone having a stare down contest with "The Bird Girl." (You know, the cover of *Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.*)

Maddy won of course.

Again, in addition to the local green alcoholic libations, do try some of the local delicacies.....

Again, I have a wonderful video of Nikita trying to figure out how to eat green grits (a Savannah St. Pat's tradition) with Michael sitting next to her saying, "Nikita, why can't you just do the job and eat the grits?"

Shoulder to shoulder, back to front, wall to river groups limit your ability to move quickly and search thoroughly.....

But, remember, neither can the SOTW.....

So look for the obvious and the mission often just takes care of itself.....

It was SO easy to see where the nuclear warhead was hidden. The ONLY things able to move anywhere at all were the parade floats, and the float with the warhead just stood out like a sore thumb. It was being pulled by a RED Case tractor. (Can you believe how stupid the Red Cell can be at times?) Why any silly fool knows that the ONLY tractor appropriate for the St. Pat's Parade is the Green and Yellow John Deere.

Obviously, THESE folks were from out of town and even if there wasn't a bomb, I would have pulled it out of the parade for being tacky and tasteless.

By the way, did you know that green beer stains can be completely removed from van carpeting by just rubbing a little C-4 over the area? (Note: be sure to get all the little bits of C-4 out of the carpet fibers.)

Next week, shopping for a new van.

(The Egress staff would like to thank Bunnie-Sue for her tireless reporting and helpful hints, and EZBee for trailing along behind her taking this all down as Bunnie-Sue talked.)

Horst, Yaacov, Benny, and Mildred, in the line of Slow Eddie Conlon, RIP

Slow Eddie Conlon, for over-exuberant celebration, RIP

The entire crew of the Pequod except some guy called Ishmael, in the line of Moby, RIP

Jeff Barak's paperboy (and his little dog, too!), in the line of Carlos, RIP

Reilly, in the line of duty, RIP

Dear Maddy:

I wouldn't want to be regarded as a party poop, but I do think the mandatory wearing of green on Tuesday was a bit hard to take. I mean it is one thing to be ordered to wear clothes with color on a mission-- national security and the lives of thousands can all boil down to the color of a sweater when seducing the lady with the triggering device that could blow up the UN building. But why must I and my fellow operatives be compelled to wear green at Section Headquarters? Others look up to me and green lacks . . . a certain dignity. And it's not as if green will save any lives. We're Section One, after all, not Greenpeace!

Signed,
Colorless

Dear Colorless:

I took great care in picking out a very tasteful gray-green turtle neck for you to wear on Section's Special Day. And I must say, it looked marvelous with your eyes. More then one head turned to regard your passage through headquarters that day. If you hadn't been wearing an expression on your face which I can only describe as resembling a constipated ostrich, you might even have gotten a dinner date or two that night. I know you're a serious guy, but remember we also serve Section by contributing to the esprit de corps. Besides, my dear, if you hadn't worn green, I'm afraid you would *still* be in sick bay recovering from all the pinching your posterior would have undoubtedly been subjected to. I was thinking of both your best interests and those of Section, as always.

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

Okay, so the cafeteria really put on the dog for St. Patrick's Day, but I'm really miffed that there was no green beer this year! Last year was so much fun with the open spigot and all! How come we were cut off??

Signed,
Dude Lebowski

Dear Dude:

First, I'd like to squelch the rumor that our cafeteria has *ever* served dog! I don't know how these rumors get started, but this one is just too absurd. The Meat Surprise last week may have not been anything readily identifiable, but I am sure within a ninety percent degree of certainty that there was no canine involved whatsoever. Besides, it tasted more like chicken to me.

Second, as to the question of beer, I can only remind you that mixing the scum of the earth, high-powered weapons, and unlimited quantities of beer is not a very good idea. Have you forgotten the regrettable "Hey, Ya'll Watch This" incident on the catwalks on Level Four last year? We lost two perfectly good operatives due to that little stunt. It was bad enough that Rawlins decided to pull the trick in the first place, but an *entire* waste of human potential that Schlimazel happened to be walking underneath at the moment Rawlins lost his balance. Or perhaps you don't recall the equally lamentable "Pin the Tail on the Newbie" incident on Level Three? Eugene is *still* having nightmares about that and has required extensive surgery on some very delicate tissues. I might also remind you of the free-ranging "target practice" which went on all over HQ that day and the resulting three-day lock down. Need I say more?

Maddy

Dear Maddy:

I really must protest! Some people are getting a little carried away with this combination of St. Patrick's Day and Moby Dick! I mean, I was innocently minding my business, walking near Walter's munitions area when slam-bam-wham, the next thing I know, I am hanging from the collar of my jacket pinned to the wall by a harpoon! I didn't see who threw the damned thing, but I can tell you he was wearing green. Which because it was *Tuesday* narrows it down to about *every* damned operative in the place! I thought we were all over these kinds of hijinks after last year. Did the cafeteria serve green beer again???

Signed,
Target Boy

Dear Target:

If you read the letter before yours, you'll know that *no* green beer was served this year. Whatever regrettable hijinks may have occurred in Walter's area were strictly related to Walter's area. I have spoken with Walter, and threatened to inspect his area carefully if such behavior continues, but I would really rather not look at Walter's area quite that rigorously. He has assured me he will make a greater effort to secure harpoons in future.

Besides, I don't really believe this incident was all Walter's fault. Apparently, some operatives got a little over-enthusiastic at the idea of being able to track down and spear a bald, overacting madman who was picking on a poor, defenseless creature--who, I might add, is on the Endangered Species List. Whales may not be innocent masses, but they are definitely *massive,* and that's good enough for our mandate here at Section One.

You know, I should try writing this column every week under the influence of Irish whiskey. I find a new clarity I've never known before and a renewed sense of lucidity I've only just rediscovered.

Maddy

(Thanks to Tawna for helping to coordinate Maddy's column this week and to Jeff Barak for being a lunatic.)

This report just in from one of our field reporters, Fearless Fosdick! The fur is going to fly over this one! A confidential informer reported to Fosdick:

"Well, what Jurgen really had on Section was er, ah...the 1994 mission that Ops led to New Orleans during Mardi Gras....Video tapes are wonderful....A pity they had to cancel the entire Preservation Hall Jazz Band when Jurgen's computer was breached....And *hey,* ever notice that every now and then, Maddy is wearing RED beads? He he he...."

(Thanks, EZ, for rushing Fosdick's report to us at the very last minute.)

*****

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