Dave's Quotes

"It's not everyday you run into a guy with a helipad"

"People like that should be on the short bus...you know, reading from the bookmobile so to speak"

"Damn! We never got gas!"

"It's always at the bottom"

"How's your burger numb-nuts?"

"So I got a cute butt, go F**K your mother!"

"I made beans today!"

"I got nothing to light my thingie with"

"Last night I slept like a baby, I kept crying, drooling spitting up and wet the bed!"

"This is like hell with Santana playing guitar"

"Nine layer dip Mitchell"

"Oh just so you know, You can't put dick in the box"

"You don't get the fag, but you do get the ass"

"We're all out of thumb things, would you like to try a jack knobler?"

"I'm a white cheese guy all the way through, especially on my birthday"

"If you want the butt whole and you want to shread it yourself......."

"Can I get a short one?"

"If you buy a butt from me, I'll give you 3 extra pairs of gloves"

"If I can get-off before someone else comes in the building I will"

MICKEY: "I'll pick you out a beautiful Butt...."
BILL: "I like Butts"

"I got Rocky Mountain spotted fever from a Timber Rattler, and Lt. Dan's got new legs"

"A guest is always welcome in your home, but a customer is someone who thinks they're always right"

"It gets really hot in Waco, Especially when your house is burning down around you!"

"He looks like a burn victim with a bad wig and Roy Orbison's Glasses!"

"The only wet circles I'm getting these days are around the bottom of my glasses of beer"

DAVE: "So she must think I'm as good looking as a washer and drier!"
PAT: "Well I think you are!"
DAVE: "Thanks Pat!"

"pick up those loose balls, 'cause the weak team is shotclocking!"

"Okay, he makes Geddy Lee look handsome!"

"its quarter to 2 O'clock in the morning"

"Whats a vulva?"

"If you touch the candy, you get fired!"

CHRISTY: "Don't undo my bra, I'll bite your penis!"

"Thirteen seasons of My Three Sons? I mean, come on, Eight is enough! "

"Hey be quiet, I'm trying to fart!"

"Rush Mountmore"

"This is only funny to the birthday boy and you!"

" I saw a movie at show world called Clitty Lickers 2 the Legend of the Gold Curlies"

"Montel Williams is my Co-Pilot"

"Most women don't stand in the back of their truck and piss all over the place"

"Deep down I think Pat was really a woman"

"Its the most fun you can have in 45 minutes without a chicken"

"Reading Utopia is kinda like eating rice pudding... it just sucks"

"Well, you crapped that like a tuna..."

"He's a good egg in the long run... but who wants long runny eggs?"

"I gotta piss like a Christmas race goose!"

"It's kinda like riding a bike, once you learn, it just pisses you off."

"She's great now that she's paranoid."

"You're like a Billy Joel song, you don't put out!"

"Count your blessings, not your troubles.... I gotta pee."

"Nothin' like a bunch of naked Sri Lankans running around"

"Hey look, it's Doogie Houser with balls!"

"My STANLEY® cup is too tight!"

"I'll have a Screaming Viking and he'll have a Thunder Chicken.... To go!"

"If I could get her on a treadmill, she'd be hot!"

"The women flock to him like some sort of bug zapper of manliness."

"People with a lisp should not drive Mitsubishis"

"Symbiotic was not a character from the Lion King"

"Goddammit, Gary Busey is NOT the anti-christ, Ruth Gordon is!"

"They shoulda got Don Henley to sing this, he sounds like Axl - A broken Axl."

"It's like a Don Knotts band... there's no such thing."

"Pretty soon you'll be able to say motherf***er on the air, but only on the christian stations."

"Test drive the new Plymouth Viagra ® ...it'll never let you down."

"Beer drinkers make better losers"

"Some say the glass is half full, some say its half empty, I say mine's broken"

"It is too late in the evening for this time of day"

"Joanie loves Nietzche"

"I'm a Pisces, I would sense them beat-less"

"Vic Tayback's a bitch"

"Andy Gibb died from a bad case of the heebee Bee-Gees"

"It's more of an esca-ladder"

(this next one is tough because we couldn't find a Don Knotts font)"I was Jackin' Janet and Chrissy before Tripper even got home"

"A Ford Festiva?? That's like the iMac® of cars - The iDrive!"

"Dumb as a bag of wet mice."

"I'd like to slalom through her moguls."

"I'd like to bump into her sometime - repeatedly!"

"I dunno, masturbation has its ups and downs."

"In every Bruce Hornsby song there's an old man walking somewhere..."

"That was kinda like a RUSH medley with bunions"

"Alls you can think of is every morning is this guy waking up with a hard-on???"

"So in the spirit of the holidays, I'm going out and buying every VIXEN album."

"Dave, I spent the quotes for this week..."

"Just because it has an 'M' in it doesn't mean its right."

"Pat, are you the one who sent me the snatch-eating frog joke?"

"Hey whats wrong with Yanni?"

"Okay, wait 'til he dies and see when he was born"

"Hey thats what it looks like in the ocean!"

"I live with a big dog that farts"

"Joannie loves Yahtzee"

"We can fight for the two cherries, but we each get a fish"

"I'm about as frustrated as a queer with a mouthfull of butt hair"

"I'm as happy as a busload of retards on their way to Chuck E Cheese's"

"A sticky worm gets dirty fast"

"one cloud does not make a storm"

"Ice cream has no bones"

"Crayon is waterproof"

"The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in"

"....More fun than an Al Sigl snow day!"

"Nine out of ten missing children in California has been eaten"

"I don't need to see someones unborn fetus when I'm trying to eat sausage!"

"Camping does not usually involve a debit card"

"State doesn't have telefile, they have pedophile, but I don't wanna get into that."

"I got an Idea for a topless drain cleaning service.... ROTO-HOOTERS®!"

"Don't quit your Blowjob!"

"Its good to know wankers once in a while"

"I never fell off a girl laughing until that point"

"I took an IQ test last week and I think the score was in Celcius."

"In Batavia its Sunday all goddamn week"

"I was watching the commercials during the Superbowl and they showed that Christopher Reeve one and I said 'Hey! Its Christopher Walken!'"

"June Carter..............cash cow."

"That new Def Leppard album 'Farewell to Arms' comes out soon"

"He's like a tall version of Louie DePalma"

"I know what a handjob is, I know what a blowjob is, I'm just not interested in a nosejob."

"Les Miserables... wasn't he in Primus?"

"You can write a thesis on the question 'What's wrong with Bon Jovi?'"

"You ate alot of Dairy products as a kid didn't you? with those strong bones, healthy teeth and enormous knockers!"

"Rush Jesus Jones to me!"

"I drive women to lesbianism, Pat brings em right back!"

"I don't have she-bop, but I do have Wham"

"Genesee, If you want a beer real bad, we got a real bad beer!"

Dave: "let me know when she's looking good to you so I'll know when to cut you off!"
Pat: "Which one, the chicken lady?"

Dave: "I don't think that guy got married, I see him in here every night with a different chick"
Pat:"maybe he did"
Dave: " yeah maybe he's eating from the variety pack"

"Its the same gunk only there no tadpoles in it"

"Screwing Shirley is like Genesee beer...why the hell do people do it?"

"Shes like a female Louie Deplma"

"I guess I gotta wait til your beer's done so he can do us both at once"

"I bought SUBLIME's greatest hits, it was a cassingle"

"the Geeks shall inherit the earth"

"its like being waited on by Alan Alda"

"If I could get HER on a treadmill, she'd still have that psycho kid"

"Its like Minder always says, You can never have enough bibs."

"This is my last night in a clown costume"