John walked out onto the balcony of Marlena's penthouse and deeply breathed in the fresh Spring air. It was too quiet inside and it spooked him. Marlena had not been gone twenty-four hours and already he was feeling like a desperate man. How could he have let this happen AGAIN, he thought silently to himself. He came here not knowing exactly why but just that he had to get out of the Dimera mansion. So much was going on in his head, confusing him and, although he hated to admit it, he sensed something very wrong between Marlena and Kristen. He had not wanted to admit it to himself, but Abe's words kept reverberating in his head. "Are you sure John that Marlena and Kristen are as chummy as you think they are?" He couldn't deny that he had sensed tension between them for a long time, tension that they tried to cover whenever he was around. He was now thinking that they had been successful at it most of the time, but it was Marlena who had given away on several occasions that her feelings for Kristen were less than enthusiastic. He recalled specifically the day they heard the news of Roman's death, the way she barked at Kristen and then the next morning, her reaction when he suggested she move back in with them. There was something going on and he needed to find out what it was. Kristen was not owning up to anything when it came to Doc. According to her, things could not have been better between them but John still sensed that something was not quite right even though to do so made him feel guilty. With Marlena missing again and Laura's accusations and Viv and Ivan hanging around Kristen all the time and Kristen's general tenseness lately, John was beginning to think that perhaps he had been wrong about Kristen's feeling towards Doc. He didn't want to think it, but he also knew that he could not eliminate anyone in Doc's disappearance, not this time and especially since Stefano had not left the usual clue. It was a game to Stefano and he would never have taken Doc without making sure to let John know she was with him. The pieces of the puzzle were not fitting together and John was determined to leave no stone unturned no matter who it implicated.
He came to the Penthouse not knowing exactly what he was looking for but he had to search the house for clues, anything that might put him on the right track. If Stefano didn't have her, then who the hell did? Maybe Doc could provide that clue herself. He walked back in and made his way upstairs to her bedroom. The door was closed and he hesitated before entering, his hand upon the knob. He almost felt like he was spying on her because he knew deep inside he wasn't just looking for clues as to where she might be but also for evidence that what Laura had told him was true, that Doc did love him, that she had never stopped loving him. He thought back to the day at Sami's apartment when Marlena had said she knew the pain of not being with the man she loved. He was so certain that that man was Roman, but her reaction when he said it was not what he expected. At the time he wasn't sure but now he was even less so. He could think of many reasons why she would hide her love from him and they all involved Kristen and all the guilt they had both been feeling about the affair. If Kristen hadn't called, if Sami hadn't remembered the affair, maybe they could have finished the conversation and he would know but now she was gone and he had to find out. He also clearly remembered their conversation the night she had disappeared when he sensed that there was something she wasn't telling him and she said that she would very soon but that she couldn't yet. Maybe what she wanted to tell him was what he most needed to know. He was grabbing at any straw he could find. He didn't care if he was violating her privacy. He would do what it took to get to the bottom of both mysteries. But before he could bring himself to open the door, he heard a key unlocking the door downstairs and he ran to the top of the stairs to see who it was, yelling out " Doc" as he went.
He couldn't mask the disappointment when he realized it was Caroline.
"John? Oh I didn't know you were here. Chelsea called me at the pub and asked if I could come and get some things for Brady and Belle. What are you doing here?"
"Caroline. I came over hoping I could find something that could help me find Doc." He was downstairs now. Caroline shook her head.
"I just can't believe this is happening again John but I thought you were certain Stephano was behind this, " she stated questioningly.
"I'm not certain of anything, Caroline and I just don't want to miss anything or waste any time on this so I came here hoping to maybe find something. I'm actually glad you're here. Maybe you could help me."
"Of course John, but I don't know how."
John relayed to her what Laura had told him and also the letter he'd received from Roman. Caroline sat down and told him about the conversation she and Marlena had had before they found out Roman was dead which had led her to believe that Marlena did still love John.
"I remember stating to her that you were with Kristen now and that I didn't think you would break those vows and she said that she would never ask you to. When I ventured that she needed to get on with her life, she said that Kristen would destroy the marriage on her own and that she could wait a little longer. Naturally I wanted to know what she was talking about but she said she couldn't tell me, 'not yet' she said and then she quickly changed the subject. I didn't press her because she was obviously upset and then you and Kristen came over with the news about Roman, and to be perfectly honest I hadn't even thought about it again until now."
John looked at her intensely. "What the hell was she hiding Caroline? Kristen would destroy the marriage on her own? The night she disappeared she admitted to me that there was something she wasn't telling me but she said she would very soon. What the hell could it have been other than that she loved me? But what was she waiting for?"
"I don't know John. I was as surprised as you are. I guess in the back of my mind I always thought that she and Roman would eventually find their way back to one another."
"That's what I thought she wanted too. God have I made a mess of things if that isn't true."
"You still love her don't you, John?"
"If you only knew Caroline."
"Well it sounds like from the letter Roman sent, that he certainly knew. You know I can't imagine him sending you a letter without sending one to Marlena too."
"Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing. I was about to go into her bedroom when I heard you coming in. I was going to look and see if I could find anything that might help me find her. I'm glad you are here though. I feel kind of funny about doing this alone."
"Well I've got some time. Let's go up and see if there is anything left behind that might give us a clue as to what she was not telling us." She patted him on the arm firmly and they went up the stairs and to the bedroom and opened the door.
The room was perfectly neat, not a thing out of place. John walked over to the table by the window and picked up the picture of himself and Doc, Belle and Brady taken at Christmas. Caroline started looking around and then sat down on the bed and opened the drawer of Marlena's nightstand. She wasn't too surprised to find a picture of John with Belle first thing. She looked over at John who appeared to be lost in thought, and then picked up the picture, finding another one of Marlena and John with the twins when they were small and another one of John and Marlena at their wedding when they all thought he was Roman.
"John? Take a look at this. They were right here on top," she said as she handed them to him. She then began to leaf through the rest of the things looking for more photographs, the mother in her hoping to find some of Roman but she came up empty. "Those are the only photographs in here, " she stated when she had looked thoroughly.
John sighed and sat down beside her, letting the photos fall in his lap.
"Now John, how far are we going to go with this?"
"We are going to look through everything in that drawer. If we don't find her, her privacy doesn't mean a damn thing."
"I had to ask."
"I know, listen if you are uncomfortable with this. . ." She cut him off,
"No, if you think this will help us find her, I'll do it. She's lost too many years from her children as it is." Her tone was one of anger and she went back to the drawer and grabbed the next thing she could find which was an envelope with Marlena's name on it in a handwriting she knew well. She opened the letter and began to read it to John.
Dear Doc,
If you're reading this, then I am dead; I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. I know despite the way things ended between us. . . that you did love me, and I always loved you Doc. I'm asking you for the sake of the love we shared to listen to my last request for you. I only pray that you will find the courage to grant me that request.
Doc, I know you did the best you could with a tough situation. After a lot of sleepless nights and days filled with thinking of you, I finally realized that you and John couldn't help the feelings you had for each other. In some ways, I guess they were born out of your love for me. After all, you thought John was me when you fell in love with him. It was a cruel trick of Stefano's; we were all his victims Doc. So I just want you to know I don't hold you or John responsible for your affair. Both of you are quality people; people whom I value and love.
John is a decent man. When I came back, he stepped aside and let us be together; that took a lot of strength. I don't know if I would have been able to walk away from you in the same circumstances. But I understand how you both must have been drawn back to each other; I have a feeling you are still drawn to him. If you are, you should be with him. That is my last request for you Doc: be with John, live out your love for him. I give you and John my blessing and I hope with all my heart that you two will find happiness in the love that I know you share for each other. You deserve it Doc.
Doc, I can't imagine going on without you and I'm glad I don't have to anymore. It's better this way and I will truly be able to rest in peace if you take my words to heart. I've gained a lot of wisdom these past few years; the one thing that was hardest for me to see... to admit... was that you and John belong together. Maybe you always did. And if you can't be with me, I want you to be with him. I love you and want you to be happy Doc. Please go to John. . . tell him you love him; I know he feels the same way about you. Do this for me; for the memory of the happiness we once shared. My love for you will live on past my death.
Remember me fondly.
Love,
Roman
John could tell it was painful for her but her arm on his leg reassured him that she was doing something she had to do. Caroline could see where Marlena's tears had fallen causing the ink to run and the combination made her tear up as well. If the circumstances had not been so grave this would have been a very touching moment between Caroline and John. She loved him as her own and he loved her. It was painful for both of them, as they imagined it was for Marlena, to read the selfless words of someone they'd so recently lost. They also knew, that if she did love John, Roman's forgiveness would have meant everything to her and they were glad she had it. Caroline carefully folded the letter and then placed it on top of the dresser very deliberately, reluctant to let go of the touching words from her son - words that broke her heart. She looked at John and rummaged some more, pulling out a pad for prescriptions with Dr. Marlena Evan's name on it, her address book, which she handed to John. Then she came to a leather notebook that looked like a journal and looked at him before she took it out. His nod reassured her that it was all right . While she was composing herself, John began to look through the address book. It was the one she'd always kept by the bed. She wrote everything in pencil so that when someone moved or disappeared from her life, she could erase it without having to buy a new one. He caressed it before he opened it, hoping to find something that could help him find her.
Caroline got up with the journal and went to the bathroom for some tissue to dry her eyes. John could see that she was shaken by what she'd just read and he felt for her, he felt for all of them. He damned Stefano DiMera but as soon as he did he knew that if it weren't for him he might never have had those years with Doc, the happiest years of his life.
Caroline noticed an envelope fall out of the notebook she was holding under her arm. She put the journal down on the vanity and picked it up. She didn't recognize the handwriting at first and she opened the letter inside and began to read words she soon realized were John's when he thought he was going to die in Aremid. She felt like she shouldn't be reading it but she couldn't help herself.
Dear Marlena,
If you are reading this letter, then I have been executed. No man is without sin but God knows that I did not kill Tony. I have gone with the faith that death is not the end but a summons to a new existence; a summons to live with God in Paradise.
Of course, I feel that my time has come too soon. But God works in mysterious ways. I leave with few regrets: one is that my children will never know their father; the other one is leaving you Doc.
I know that our life together has been complicated; you've been in love with other men, I've been in love with other women. But the love we shared was something special Doc. There never was and never could be anyone to fill the special place you hold in my heart. I love you. I know now I always have and I always will.
John was cursing under his breath when Caroline came back into the room holding the letter. He was still looking through the A's which were producing nothing. He looked up at Caroline and then did a double take realizing what she was holding in her hands.
"What the hell . . ." he started, "how did she get that letter?"
"It was in the journal. It fell out and I picked it up and starting reading it thinking it might be something important."
"If she got that letter then why didn't she talk to me about it unless she really does only think of me as a friend?"
"John, I think so far the evidence is pointing to the fact that she does love you like you love her. Maybe the reason she didn't tell you has something to do with why she's missing now. Isn't that what you've been thinking?"
"Yeah. You know I'm having a hard time keeping focus here. She got the letter. Oh Doc. . . . " he trailed off shaking his head and taking the letter from Caroline. She patted his back and went back into the bathroom to retrieve the notebook she'd left behind and John sat down on the bed and began looking through the B's in Marlena's address book. He was shocked to find that the last name on the page was that of Susan Banks.
He called Caroline and she came rushing in. "Marlena hasn't met our baby nurse has she?"
"Not unless she met her at your house. Susan was here with me the day we found out about Roman but you all came before she had a chance to meet her and she left while you and Marlena were out on the balcony."
"No, she hadn't met her yet. They kept missing each other." John looked puzzled.
"What is it John?"
"Well her phone number and address are in this book so she obviously knew her somehow."
"Really?"
"Well, her number is right here. Now what connection could she possibly have to her?" Almost as soon as he said it he figured out that she must be a patient and he said so. "What other possibility could there be?"
"I don't know?"
"Well there's only one way to find out." He picked up the phone next to Marlena's bed and dialed the cell phone number. When Susan picked up the phone he thought better of asking her and hung up.
"It's her number all right, now what the hell? She knows Doc is missing. Why wouldn't she say something if she knew her?" Caroline shook her head. John was busy dialing another number.
"Abraham. John here. Listen I need you to go to Doc's office and find out if Susan Banks, our baby nurse was one of her patients. Pull the file if it's there, get Doc's appointment books and come over to the Penthouse if you find anything. I'll call her office and see if they'll let us do it without a court order and I'll call you back but head on over, if we've got to have one we can call from there." There was a pause while Abe talked on the other end. "Yeah, I'm here now looking for clues. Doc hadn't met our baby nurse and yet Susan's name and phone number are in her address book here and this is all I can figure there connection could be. I don't know if it's important but it might be. She's definitely a person I have some reservations about and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she were in therapy." Another pause. All right, go through the motions. You take care of it but just get that file if there is one. Thanks partner. And Abe, not a word to anyone beyond what you have to do get those records okay? I'll let you know if I leave here"
He and Caroline looked at each other. She was still holding the journal. "You find anything useful there?" he asked. He was feeling invigorated. So far the evidence pointed to the fact that Marlena did still love him and finding Susan's number was at least something which was a hell of a lot more than he had before he walked through that penthouse door.
"Well, I opened the cover and it says if it is found to please give it to John Black, so I thought I'd let you read this one since it was obviously intended for you," she replied handing it over.
He opened the journal tentatively and began to read the first page out loud. He wanted Caroline there so he wasn't going to keep anything from her. She seemed to be willing to become involved and he knew he could trust her, the same way he knew he could trust Doc and Abe Carver. He read the letter and despite the complete anguish it caused he couldn't stop reading it until there was nothing more to read.
Dear John,
To never see you again is pain; to know that you will spend the rest of your life with Kristen is more pain than I can bear. She has built her life with you on lies and deception. I hope, I pray that you will see the evil in her before too long.
I've always sensed that Kristen felt threatened by me, by the history you and I share. But she was very careful to keep her feelings to herself, until she found your letter expressing your love for me.
Kristen is so desperate to hold on to you she told Stefano which plane I would be on so he could kidnap me. You kept that information from everybody but Kristen and she told Stefano. That time he failed but for all I know she helped him again, and he succeeded.
Stefano doesn't want you to know that I'm alive, so he'll never let me send this journal to you. Even though you'll never see this, expressing my feelings on paper seems to help me fight this overwhelming sense of despair. I'm trying very hard to hold onto the hope that I can escape. I think of you...I think of your love...it gives me such strength. But Stefano is so evil John, I'm not sure there is any way to beat him.
John, I've always loved you, I always will. I wish you could know...
My dearest John, if only these words could reach you; if only you could've heard them before it was too late; if only I could tell you, tell anyone, that I'm here in Paris...I could have hope of being freed. But no one knows the truth, no one knows.
John I miss you so. If only I had told you, warned you about Kristen, this never would have happened. If only you'd known in time, you could've come to me.
Stefano is becoming more unstable every day. He has progressed from obsession to madness. He cannot understand or accept the fact that I will never return his love, that I will never willingly make love with him, that we will never live happily ever after together. I don't think he'll ever physically hurt me but as he sinks deeper and deeper into his fantasy I can't predict what could happen. I must find a way to escape; but how? It's been impossible so far, but I can't give up hope. I can't bear the thought of never seeing my children, my family, my friends again . . .
"Dear God!" Caroline said when he was finished. John was speechless. He dropped the journal by his side and put his head in his hands, thinking back to when he had found Marlena and they'd declared their love, when she'd thrown herself on top of the guillotine when he was about to be executed. His heart sank into his stomach and he felt as if he were going to throw-up.
"Why the hell didn't she tell me?" He shouted at Caroline.
"I don't know John."
"I don't even know what to say, here, " he stated obviously in great emotional pain. Caroline really felt for him, married to a true Dimera after all and one who had been keeping him from his true happiness. She didn't know what to say either.
John went over to the drawer and began looking through it himself. There wasn't anything else there. Caroline suggested that she make some tea while they figured out what they were going to do next. John just nodded and she left the room. He tried to compose himself, realizing that his worst fears were true, realizing that maybe Laura wasn't as crazy as everyone thought she was. He began to leaf through all the drawers in the room and then opened her wardrobe. Looking at all of her clothes he felt such despair. He couldn't comprehend why Marlena had not told him. He couldn't comprehend why he had not declared his love for her. Not a bit of it made sense anymore. His eyes fixed on a nightgown that he remembered well and he couldn't help but smile, despite everything, that she still had it. He took it off the hanger and rubbed it against his cheek. He was thinking fast now. He picked up the phone and called Abe.
"Abe it's John, listen forget the file. I need you to get over here right now. We'll deal with that later." When he finished he knew Kristen would be wondering where he was so he took a deep breath and called her.
"Hi sweetheart, it's me. I just wanted to let you know that Abe and I are following a few leads and I don't know when I'll be home. Don't wait up for me, okay?"
Kristen was ecstatic because everything was going exactly as she hoped but she feigned sympathy, "I love you. I'm so sorry about all of this but I understand. You do what you have to do."
John swallowed hard, "I love you too. I'll see you in the morning." He placed the phone back on it's receiver staring at it is genuine despair.
Kristen looked at the camera and flaunted, "That was John, he's trying sooo hard to find you Doc. It's sooo sweet," and then she let out a full throated laugh and the monitor in the secret room went blank leaving Marlena alone to her own desperate thoughts.
John walked downstairs just as Caroline was coming out of the kitchen with the tea. They sat down.
"I called Abe, he's coming over."
"What are you thinking John?"
"I'm thinking Laura was right about Doc and Kristen, I'm thinking it's possible that Kristen has something to do with her disappearance, and I'm thinking if Laura was right about that, what else is she right about? She's been saying that Peter and Stefano are alive and that they, along with Kristen, are responsible for her disappearance. I'm thinking that I have been played for a fool for too long and now I'm going to get to the bottom of this, I am going to make this right. Doc obviously had a damn good reason for not telling me how she felt about me, knowing that I felt the same way about her. God, I wish I knew what she was thinking through all of this."
"Well maybe someone knows, like Laura or Carrie. She probably confided in someone."
"Yeah, good thinking Caroline. Do you think you could call them and ask them to come over here. I want to talk to both of them, and Caroline ask them not to say anything to anyone. We've got to be careful here. If Kristen is involved and gets wind of the fact that I'm here, well we've just got to stay one step ahead."
The doorbell rang and John went to answer as Caroline called Carrie and Laura.
"What's going on John?" Abe asked as he came through the door observing Caroline's presence.
"Take a look at this partner," John replied handing the journal over to Abe. Abe read the passages and looked up at his friend who was shaking his head.
"Oh John, " was all Abe could say. Caroline interrupted with the news that Laura and Carrie were on their way over and that she hadn't told them why but that they weren't to reveal where they were going to anyone, just that they were meeting her.
"I knew she loved you John, but she made me promise not to say anything to you. She didn't tell you before the baby was born because she was worried about Kristen's delicate condition and then she didn't tell you after because you'd married her. I got the feeling that there was plenty she wasn't telling me but this?" Abe shook his head.
"This changes everything partner. It is quite possible that Kristen has something to do with Doc's disappearance."
"Are you okay John? This must be quite a blow."
"It is Abe, it is, but I can't focus on that right now. We've got to concentrate on finding Doc. That's all that matters right now. I called Kristen. She has no idea that I know any of this and she's not going to - until we decide to play that card. I've been pretty blind but not anymore."
"You've got Laura and Carrie coming over here?" Abe asked quizzically.
"Yeah, I was, we were hoping they might be able to shed some light on what it was Marlena was waiting for to tell me how she felt about me, and as you know, Laura's been making some pretty crazy accusations that are beginning to sound less and less crazy as the minutes go by."
"Abe I've made some tea. Would you like a cup while we wait?"
"No, thank you Caroline. John I'm thinking I need to move ahead on the Susan Banks lead. You thought it was strange that Kristen would hire her, maybe she and Kristen have some connection that you don't know about."
"May be. All right, well we'll wait here for Carrie and Laura. Call me on my cell phone if you can't find me here."
"Will do. We're going to find her John."
"I sure hope you're right Partner."
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