THE ULTIMATE COFFEEHOUSE BRAWL -- part 1 ------------------------------ While the music and singing was filling the air around the Ranger Coffeehouse with merriment, none of the people or animals inside knew that a large, sinister horde of villains was approaching fast. Just then, TPL's shields went down. "What the!...I'd better check this out. Those shields are guaranteed for five years or your money back." But before he could check, the door slammed open and Chedderhead Charlie poked his head in. "All you merrymakers better wake up! The punchup of the century is about to start!" Everyone's heads turned to the grizzled Aussie mouse as he stormed in, looking for a good weapon. Chip and the rest of the Rangers gathered around. Monty rushed up to him. "Dad, who's out there? Rat Capone?" "Fat Cat?" asked Chip. "Freddie?" Foxglove inquired. "Lawhinie?" Gadget speculated. "Yes, yes, yes, yes and more than that!" Chedderhead said, with a glint of excitement in his eye. "It's every bloomin villain the Rangers ever ran across! They're massin' to storm the Coffeehouse!" "Then we're going to need some help!" Chip said. "TPL, get on the emergency communicators! Call everyone! This is an all-out red alert!" Indy ---------------- Cheddarhead had barely scratched the surface. This was far more than some old foes of the Rangers showing up en masse to settle some old scores. This was an invasion by Total Evil, seeing the gathering of Rangers and Rangerphiles as THE opportunity to crush the Forces of Goodness and achieve total and eternal rule over our dimension (they of course had to wait until Mrs. Brisby had left). In addition to the RR villains/villainesses whole spaceships had shown up and were hovering over the city park. The hatches opened up to reveal the Armies of Evil ready to disgorge. And when the stairs (or whatever you call them) lowered to the ground, The Final Battle began in earnest! Hundreds of Daleks, Cybermen, and Those Giant Cucumber Things Without Voice Boxes Who Kept The Loch Ness Monster For Milk POURED into the coffeehouse! At their head was the most evil man in the universe--The Master! The juvenile Charlie X from an early episode of the original "Star Trek" was next, muttering all the time how he was "gonna make a whole lot of people go away!" Everyone prepared to have their faces taken off or else turned into lizards! (Well, except for Electra, of course!) Scully and Mulder found themselves face to face with the villain in the "X-Files" take-off segment of "Walter Melon: Hero for Hire" (since yours truly is too puritanical to include the real guy in this post). "Look!" Scully cried, "It's the Lollipop Licking Man!" Oil Can Harry was there! And so were Brutus from "Popeye," Baron Otto Matic from "Tom Slick," the original bad guy Klingons from "Star Trek," all the villains from the "Star Wars" and "Battlestar Galactica" universes, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, the Bad Guys from "Casablanca," a bunch of Rich Hollywood Airheads shouting slogans from the Sixties, Bram Stoker (foe of bats everywhere), and Dastardly Dick and his Mutt! And when all these Foul Hordes of Evil had entered the coffeehouse and prepared to strike their final blow for their eternal victory over Good and Light and Truth the Rangers could see that floating supernaturally in the air over the darkened earth was the source of all this Evil Power: multitudes and multitudes of . . . ARMADILLOS!!!!! Man-Child was faced with a dilemma. While he had received kisses in the previous post by his good friend Karl, in his heart of hearts he really wanted to receive a kiss from a female Rangerphile in a post written by her (he's never received a single solitary kiss in his entire life, ladies, no foolin'!). *Now* he thought to himself *how do I elicit the most female sympathy? Should I be the first to die a martyr's death, or defeat The Forces of Evil singlehanded?* It was not an easy choice. It looked as if he was going to have to flip a coin. "The Enduring Man-Child" --------------------- Karl was no coward, but as a soldier he made a fine repair technician. By habit, he had run to the nearest equivalent of a TV station's master control room - the basement "defense center" of the Ranger Coffeehouse! The shield generators weren't damaged, he saw, just overloaded and in auto-shutdown. They should have reset almost immediately, but the lightning ray had taken out the computer as well. Karl did the only thing he knew to do for an unknown computer problem - he turned it off, waited a few seconds, and turned it back on again. The system began rebooting... Looking around, he saw that the ground-to-air defenses were backed up with a very simple user interface, looking like a "Space Invaders" game machine from the past decade... While the computer brought itself online, Karl sat and began blowing spaceships out of the skies of the Dragon Planet. "I will not admit to myself that I am doing this." He muttered, as debris showered, hissing, into the pristine snowbanks, "because if I do, I will surely freak out..." By this time, the dragons had awakened, and were not pleased to find their world invaded by evil armadillos - until they discovered that fresh dragon-roasted armadillo made a delicious crunchy snack! There was a soft ding! from behand Karl, and a digitized voice reported. "Emergency defence code Omega is now in effect." Karl ------------------- With a sharp *crakle* The Dragon Plannet's main shields reinislisined, before any of the many MILLIONS of borg cubed that were allways in orbit aroung the plannet realises that the only thing stopping them from takeing over planet was gone. This the planet(and therefor the coffeehouse and everone in in) was saved from being asimiaed into the collective. All over the shields, sparkes were apereing as borg attemted to blast the momentay intruped shields. And all failed.. Except for one, witch whent sailing over the city, and in the proces wipeing out most of tha attach fleet before sailing into sea and being swolowd by something TPL picked up at one of god's garage sales. Back the Coffeehouse's controll room, TheBoz has just completed Rebuilding his Xmas present from Tom, giveing it a readout for time and changeing the lat/lon display to x/y/z/w readout for space/time travel with respect to glactic center. And at the same time watching a display that showed E-Man attempting to get past the shields, and was finding out two things the hard way, that the shields obay there own set of phisics laws, and also the meaning of the word 'inpenetrable'. There was still the probem of the bad guys on the ground to deal with, and it HAD to be the day when the Dragon's hunting cooperative was haveing there bi-yearly stragity meet and couldn't help..... TheBoz ------------------ And thus, by the combined effect of two posts was the plant saved... But there was a few babbies left over for Man-Child to wipe out and be a hero... TheBoz ------------------ the defense system hadn't been down for very long, but it had been long enough. the attackers were past the defense mechanisms, and the Rangers and their fans could now only rely on their own fighting abilities. Cheddarhead Charlie and Monty marched out with their sleeves rolled up to start the brawl, but because they rushed in it did not take long for the villains to overpower them. Chip asked TPL to open up the portal and bring in some reinforcements. Monty's mother Kate and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made it through, but then something happened, and the portal closed. back outside, Nimnul cackled. "hahaha! it worked! my electromagnetic energy disbander is a success!" "Excellent, Nimnul," Fat Cat cooed, "now SHUT UP!" inside, Chip was trying to stay calm, but it was not easy. Kate took his shoulder. "easy there, Chip. we'll get 'em, just you wait." she confidentally comforted in her homey Australian accent. "well, in here we're sitting ducks," Chipette replied. "we have to do something fast or we'll all wind up like Monty and Cheddarhead Charlie." "Right!" Chip smacked his fist into the palm of his hand. "what we need is a diversion. something that can buy us some time for TPL to get the portal working again." "Leave it to me, Chip." Chipette ran back to one corner of the room. "Chipette, no! you don't know what you're up against! you won't last five minutes!" "do you want a diversion or not? five minutes just might be enough time for TPL to get the portal working again!" Chipette was about to dash out with her baton bag when she paused and handed a slip of paper to Indy, who was right by the door. "if all else fails, get TPL to open up this website and hit this code." "what's it do?" Indy asked in total confusion. "please, just do it!" and Chipette ran outside. the Ninja Turtles followed. "all right, you baddies! prepare to meet Majorette Chipette! she pulled out her twirling knives and spun them around like they were toys. Michaelangelo chucked out his chucks, Donatello his bo staff, Leonardo his katana blades, and Raphael his sais. the smaller villains quickly backed off, afraid of becoming mincemeat. Nimnul laughed and fired a small missile shaped object. the five fighters scattered. the missile trailed along after Chipette. "it must be heat-seeking!" Donnie deducted. Chipette heard Donatello and dove into a hapkido roll, abandoning her knives. the missile flew over her head, crashed into the ground behind her and exploded. Chipette was dazed but not hurt. she saw a long but sturdy stick on the ground by her feet. it must have been 5 feet long and an inch in diameter. her eyes grew wide with excitement. she was saved. she picked it up and spun it in front of her like an airplane propeller, vertical and fast enough to be a blur. three years in the Color Guard had done her good. Nimnul prepared to discharge another missile, but Donnie pole vaulted to him and kicked the gun out of Nimnul's grasp. TPL was not having much luck inside with the portal. "what's going on, TPL? should it be taking this long?" "no, Gadget, someone, or something, is blocking the energy waves from transmitting, preventing a connection from being established, and until we can eliminate it, we won't be able to open the portal." "well then, we'll just have to find it and get rid of it." "i'm getting a signal, and it's coming from miles away. they must have some kind of amplifier here. if we can destroy the amplifier, that would buy us enough time to get a few more through the portal, but the only way to get full power back is to destroy the machine itself." **back outside** Chipette was knocked in the back and lost her staff. she bounced back up to her feet and delivered a powerful side kick to the aggressor. the Ninja Turtles were a big help. they were sending the baddies into a retreat. Nimnul fled to safety with his amplifier. Lawhiney cowered under the bushes. Fat Cat had his henchmen carrying him away at double time. Freddie swooped down out of the sky on her flying vacuum cleaner and cast a spell on Chipette. she suddenly became very dizzy. as consciousness began to leave her she smiled to herself. nine minutes. nearly twice as long as predicted. The Shredder picked her up and retreated with the others. the Ninja Turtles chased after him, but he threw a pellet and a cloud of smoke clouded the escape. and the villains were gone, with three prisoners and severe damage to the Coffeehouse and its defenses. Chipette ------------------ The Good Guys Assemble! Monday, 21-Dec-98 23:29:51 209.192.3.243 writes: TPL was in the control room, putting out the alert. The fabric of space ripped open and E-Man appeared. "What's the problem?" E-Man asked. "We're about to be attacked from all sides by the largest collection of sinister beings outside the Legion of Doom!" TPL shouted. "Hey, how did you get through my shields!" "You really shouldn't have tipped me off with that last post, TPL," E- Man said. "Once I realized you were using Dragon Planet physics, I adjusted my E-Portal for a tuned-band match and went right through. Don't worry about the Borg, though. They don't have that capability." TPL was testy, but the story needed advancing. "Well, as long as you're here, get your E-Portal ready! We need reinforcements." Chip was already taking charge, checking everyone to see that they were ready. He knew the Rangers would stand in against anything. But he didn't know about the Rangerphiles. He shouldn't have wondered. Julie stepped up to the front of the crowd, brandishing her sword. "If they want a fight, they're gonna get one!" The Rangerphiles all shouted their approval and made preparations to fight. Meanwhile, Gadget had pulled down her goggles, and was concentrating hard. "Mumm-Rana! We need the Thundercats! Tell them, come quickly!" Nothing happened, though. She couldn't be sure Mumm-Rana had heard her, though she hoped she had. Outside, the enemy forces were taking in the scene. Fat Cat was the group leader, Nimnul and Lawhinie were on his right and left. A widening pan showed thousands of guest villains, no doubt taking the job for the money. "So," Fat Cat said, "can you tell what they're doing in there?" Nimnul looked away from the telescopic viewer on his weather machine and faced the cranky kitty with a scowl. "Looks like they're rallying their forces in there! We should go ahead and attack before they're ready. One of them already spotted us!" Fat Cat bonked Nimnul, an interesting sight anyone would love to see in person. "Oh, ye of little patience! Just wait. Let's bring them out here on our terms. You've already taken their shields down with your lightning ray. They can't stay in there and be safe." "I don't like it, FC," Lawhinie added. "We shouldn't give them a chance to call in reserves. What are we waiting for?" "For them to make a mistake, as they assuredly will," Fat Cat said silkily. "Just give it a rest for a moment. They'll be out." Inside, the E-Portals were appearing and the reinforcements arrived. Camembert Kate was among the first. "Ma!" Monty cried, hugging his mother. "Glad you could make the dustup, Ma!" Kate smiled. "I'd never miss a chance to give the forces of evil a good pounding!" While that happy reunion was going on, others were taking place, too. Wescott had answered the call, giving no end of pleasure to Tammy, who was all over him with kisses. Then, the ranks of the superheroes showed up. The original Justice League, long thought to be dead, answered the call. Along with them came the X-Men, the Avengers, the Defenders, the Fantastic Four, the Justice Ducks, Bullethead, Popeye, the A-Team, the crews from all four Star Trek series, Commander Adama and the Battlestar Galactica crew. Obviously, the Christmas lull had cut into their paychecks, too. Finally, Chedderhead could wait no longer. "I don't know about you yahoos, but I'm ready to go bushwhackin'! Who's with me!" Before Chip could stop him, Chedderhead was out the door and charging, alone. Mepps, Wart and Mole tackled him in the snow and tied him up. "Chedderhead, me darlin'!" Kate cried. "Dad!" Monty shouted. They ran out headlong and were frozen in an ice block by Nimnul's freeze ray on his weather machine. Finally, the troops inside were ready. Zipper trumpeted the charge. Chip cried, "Rescue Rangers, Rangerphiles, and assorted help, AWAY!" The group charged as one. Wescott transformed into his hostile form and reached the ice block before any of the villains could blink. In a moment, Monty and Kate were free! "Freeze them, Nimnul! Freeze them all! Fat Cat yelled. Nimnul tried to comply, but just then Chipette pulled out a fire baton and a knife. Twirling one in each hand, she let them fly. The shiny knife's blade reflected the freeze ray just as it left the ray gun, hitting a tree behind the bad guys instead. The fire baton struck the ray gun, short circuiting it. Then a free-for-all battle royale broke out! Indy ---------------- Slight correction Monday, 21-Dec-98 23:48:20 209.192.3.243 writes: Indy couldn't see the battle that well through the crystalized window, so he thought he had seen Chipette. Actually, it was Xena, warrior princess, who used her arsenal of weapons on Nimnul. Indy /then/ saw the fight by Chipette and the Ninja Turtles, Chipette's capture, and /then/ the battle royale got started. ::Indy grumbles about a certain fellow writer who didn't tell him anything about her plans to use the TMNT or about the secret code. But, being good natured, he changed the story and sat back to see what the others would write.:: Indy ----------------- a baddie interlude Wednesday, 23-Dec-98 00:53:38 128.169.20.77 writes: Chipette groaned and slowly opened her eyes. the baddies were all around her, most of them in the midst of a heated argument over, after they won the battle, how would the surviving good guys be dealt with. one argument seemed that they should be enslaved to work for the baddies, but those defending that position were in debate as to /who/ got to keep them as slaves. the other major argument was to simply kill everyone. Chipette groggily tried to get up, but then realized her hands were tied behind her back and her feet bound together. so she listened to the argument rage on until it was finally decided with bitter contempt for one another that each baddie could have the surviving good guys from their universe and deal with them as they pleased. but there was still question over what should be done with Chipette and the other Rangerphiles. it sounded like the resolution would be enslavement for them too. Chipette tried to remain brave. she spoke up. "don't count you chickens before they're hatched; you haven't won yet!" "oh, but we have," Shredder turned and knelt by her. "all we have to do is demand surrender or the death of you and the other two, and they'll be ours. it's in the good guy book of rules. they never let a friend or teammate die." Chipette sighed, knowing he was right. she began to work with the ropes binding her hands, hoping to free herself. Chipette ----------------- "Here come the Allies!" Tuesday, 22-Dec-98 00:27:23 205.188.197.48 writes: Meanwhile, in another time and far, far away, Luke Skywalker was sleeping quietly in his bedroom when suddenly, Obi- Wan Kenobi appeared to him in a dream, "Luke, Luke", he said. "Ben?", Luke said. "There is a grave problem, Luke", Ben replied, "The forces of good in another time and galaxy are being attacked by ALL forces of evil, including those from this galaxy. You and your friends must go and help them." "But how? You said they are in another time and space, how can we go there?", Luke asked. "You and your friend Han Solo, must head for the sun that orbits Coruscant. When you come within ten miles of it, have Han set the NavComputer for sector 0-0-1-0 and engage the Hyperdrive, from there you will know what to do." "Ben!", Luke yelled as the image of his mentor and friend disappeared. No sooner had he disappeared that Luke woke up. "I have to get to Han and Leia." Meanwhile, in another time: Captain Jean-Luc Picard sipped some Earl Grey in the ready room of the Enterprise-E and proceeded to read a book by Mark Twain. "Twain again? Really, Picard, you should start reading some 'modern' books." Picard looked up from his book and saw pest that had been bothering him and his crew since thier first days on the Enterprise-D. "What do you want now, Q? What game do wish to trifle us with" Picard asked. "Now, now, why does everyone think that everytime I come here I want to torture you with a game." Q said smiling. "Maybe because it is what you have been doing ever since we met.", Picard replied, "Now, what is it!" "Oh no need to get all worked up Moi capitan. My purpose is to warn you of something." Q said. "Warn me? Of what?" "Oh, nothing. Except that the Borg don't learn easily." "The Borg?" Picard said as he stood up, becoming quite useasy. "The Borg, and just about every enemy of the Federation have traveled back in time to attack and destroy the forces of good there." "The forces of good?"Picard asked. "Yes", Q responded, "Apparently there are a bunch of do-gooders there who fight crime. A rather boring and insignificant bunch to humans, they are called the Rescue Rangers." Q said. "The Rescue Rangers? Who are they?" Picard asked. "Just what I said they are, do-gooders. They fight crime and help others. They have accumilated a lot of fans over the years, as well as enemies." Q walked over to the window and began to stare out into space. "Who would've thought that they are the thread that keeps the dimensions stable." "What are you saying, Q?" Picard asked. "What quarrel does the Borg have with these 'Rangers', and how do we fit into this picture? " Q looked at Picard and smiled. "You haven't been listening have you, Moi Capitan? It's not just the Borg, but EVERYONE. Every evil force you can imagine are out to destroy these beings." "But why?"Picard asked. "Because they know, as well as I know, that every dimension, every time wether it be past, present, or future, has two forces. One good, one evil. The evil force is bent on conquering the galaxy, while the good force is there to stop them. Naturally, good ALWAYS wins because the good force in that perticular space/time continuim is designed to be more than a match for that evil force in that dimension. However, one of these evil forces discovered a way to transport themselves from one space/time/dimension to another. Soon all the forces of evil in every space/time/dimension discovered one another. Well, to make a long story short, they figured out that in order to conquer there own galaxys and destroy there own forces of good, they would have to find a way to destroy just ONE of these dimensions forces of good, combine thier strength and destroy it." Q said. "I see", Picard said, "But how would this affect all the other forces of good?" "Ahh, there in lies the tale my friend. You see, all these dimensions forces depend on one another to survive. If one is destroyed, all the others are doomed to fall to the surviving force. Therefore, if the Rangers are defeated, ALL the forces of good will fall. From the Federation to whatever good force you can think of, will be doomed and evil will reign." Q said. Picard slowly walked over to his couch and sat down. "I see, so if they are destroyed, what is there to stop the Borg from conquering the galaxy, or the Romulans, or the Dominion?" "I think I have gotten my point across." Q smirked. Picard looked up at Q. "What can be done to help the Rangers? I just can't believe that there is nothing to be done. There has to be something, after all it isn't like you to just come here and tell me something like this and not offer me some help." Q smiled at this. "Oh, it appears you have discoverd my plot, Moi Capitan. Well I may as well tell you. Yes, there is hope. That is the 'True' purpose of my visit. I'm going to send the Enterprise and her crew to the specific space/time/dimenison to help the Rangers and their fans." "But what about the other forces of Evil, the Enterprise is just one ship, the chances of two of these good forces fighting against ALL evil are slim. Why not all of Starfleet?" Picard asked. "Because thats part of the deal I made with the Continuim" Q sighed, "I asked if we could send the other forces of good to help, and they agreed on the condition that we send only ONE specific group from each dimension. The best and brightest. I was assigned to this place so I naturally chose you. DS9 and her crew have thier hands full with the Dominion and Janeway and I aren't on the best of terms right now. Other Q are assigned to every other good force. Well, all except one dimension which we assigned to some old man.", Q said, "So are you ready Jean-Luc?" Picard stood up. "I speak for everyone when I say that we are willing to help." "Good, I hope you have fun Moi Capitain." and with a snap of his fingers, Q dissapeard, and the Enterprise was hurled into another dimension. Will they as well as the other forces be successful? We shall see. "Star Wars" series and thier Characters(Luke, Han, Leia, Obi-Wan Kenobi) were not created by me but are the property of Lucasfilm Ltd. and used without thier permission but with full respect. The same goes for Star Trek (Picard, Q, Dominion, Romulans, Borg, Q Continuim etc.) and thier Characters and Aliens, except that they are the property of Paramount and are used without thier permission but with full respect. I hope you guys think my idea of bringing Luke, Han, Leia, Chewie, Picard and Enterprise into this is a good idea considering we are bringing EVERY bad guy into this, I thought "Why not bring the Good Guys in to help?" This is my FIRST piece of work pertaining to RR, so please excuse me if it is pretty bad. Some Brother Some Brother ------------------- Re: "Here come the Allies!" Tuesday, 22-Dec-98 01:28:08 209.16.242.157 writes: "We're getting a communication from an unknown vessel!" TPL shouted. "E-Man, can you identify them?" "Looks like a star ship of some sort, registry numbers NCC-1701 E. They're hailing us, asking for the leader of the Rescue Rangers! Chip, get over here!" Indy said. Chip came and established contact. "This is Chip, leader of the Rescue Rangers. Who is this?" "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. We have come to help you in your ultimate battle against evil. As soon as we get some help, we'll engage the Borg and try to get some troops down to you!" "Thanks, Captain," Chip replied. "We're grateful for your assistance. Rescue Rangers out." Picard looked over the situation with dismay. The planet they were orbiting was shielded; even the Borg couldn't get through. However, that didn't protect him. They needed reinforcements! Suddenly, Q appeared again. "Well, how's my favorite person in the galaxy?" Picard's scowl returned immediately. "Q! Look at the situation we're in. There's more Borg ships out there that I can count! We can't stop them alone! We need help!" "Oh, stop your whining, mister high and mighty! I've been in contact with my fellow Q and help is right behind you. We've decided to let in some additional help. In fact, you should get a contact signal right about..." "Captain, incoming message," Mr. Worf announced on the communicator. "Now!" Q said. "Well, goodbye Jean-Luc! I'd love to stick around and watch the fun, but I've got better places to be right now. Ta!" Q disappeared in a flash of light. Picard left his ready room and entered the bridge. "On screen Mr. Worf." "We are receiving five hails, sir. I'll use multimode." Worf replied. On the screen were the faces of Captain Kirk, Captain Sisko, Captain Janeway, Luke Skywalker and Commander Adama. All of them reported they were ready to help. Worf checked his console. "Sir, sensors show a massive fleet accompanying Skywalker. It should allow us to engage the Borg." "Very well, Mr. Worf. Signal all ships....This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation. We are here to aid a group called the Rescue Rangers. Their survival is paramount to the continued existence of peace and good in the universe. We must engage the Borg and defeat them!" All ships signaled ready. Then Worf's sensors found a new bunch of signals. "Captain, enemy ships coming in to join the Borg!" "Let's see them, Mr. Worf," Picard said. On the screen were two Cylon base ships, several Imperial Star Cruisers and a massive group of Tie Fighters. There was also something much larger on the edge of sensor range. "What do you make of that, Mr. Data?" Picard asked. "The object is the size of a small moon, yet its movement suggest that it's..." Skywalker broke in on the conversation. "It's a space station! Another Death Star!" "It's too big to be a space station!" Picard replied back. "Oh, yeah? Try telling that to the Rebel forces that destroyed the first two! Now we've /got/ to fight before that Death Star gets here!" Picard turned back to his android officer. "Time until Death Star arrives?" "One point two six hours, sir," Data replied. Picard looked back at the screen and the formidable fleet facing him. "Then we have no choice. Red alert! Signal all ships, we attack immediately!" Indy ------------------