The Power of the Farce

 by Karen Mollett & Chip Lundsmark 

A glowing tear appears in the Lair. Seconds later, Kuwani steps through it. For the benefit of those who don't know her, Kuwani is a Tari (mouse-like humanoid) with blonde hair. She stands 4' 7" tall, has a slender, muscular build and when she wears her usual blue dress with gold & white trim, she bears a vague resemblance to Lawhiney. (If she wears her purple gear, she bears a vague resemblance to Gadget.) Kuwani is also a powerful sorceress and an ex-thief.

 Kat is sitting down, apparently in deep thought. Lawhiney (Gadget's "evil twin") is walking around, babbling and grinning like an idiot. Gadget comes in with a thimble full of water and splashes Lawhiney in the face. Lawhiney merely shakes her head (thus causing drops of water to spray on Gadget) and giggles. Shake'a Bake'a is lying,unconscious, on the floor. Nobody else is in the Lair (which exists in a "pocket dimension"); Kat had teleported away all of the other participants in the sing-a-long she had held earlier that day.

Kuwani: Did someone throw a party and forget to invite me?

Kat looks up, sees Kuwani, smiles, and stands up.

Kat: I had a sing-a-long. I figured ya wouldn't mind missing it.

Kuwani: You got THAT right! I've heard you sing annoying filk before.

Gadget comes in with another thimble full of water. She dumps the water on Shake'a Bake'a. He sputters and sits up.

 Shake'a Bake'a: Whoa! What happened?

Gadget: Kat had a sing-a-long.

Shake'a Bake'a: Oh. Okay. (He sees Lawhiney) Hey, Lawhiney!

 She turns toward him and waves. Then she does a handstand, walks like that for a bit, and then does a flip.

Shake'a Bake'a: Awe, c'mon babe! I'm not in the mood for that!

 Lawhiney laughs hysterically.

 Shake'a Bake'a: Whoa! Uhm, what's HER problem?

Kuwani (glares at Kat): Yeah,Kat! What IS her problem?!?

Kat: Well, when we started singing "You're the Best Bee For Me", she snapped and lost her mind.

Kuwani: She LOST her mind?!?

Kat: Uh-huh.

Gadget: We don't know how to restore her mind.

Kuwani: Hmm. I have an idea.

Kuwani walks toward the back and removes the manhole cover. Then she grabs Lawhiney (still laughing) and tosses her into the gutter. There is a small "splish" and the laughter stops abruptly.

 Gadget: Why'd you do THAT??

Kuwani: She lost her mind, right?

Kat: Yeah, so?!?

Kuwani: Where is her mind most of the time?

Kat: Of course! In the gutter!

Gadget:(confused): So, tossing her in there is supposed to restore her mind??

 Lawhiney: Yoo-hooo! Shake'a Bake'a baby! Why don't you join me down here?

 Shake'a Bake'a: Coming dear!

He jumps down the manhole and there is a "splash". Soon after, we see Shake'a Bake'a's shirt fly up through the manhole. Then his shorts follow. Kuwani looks in the gutter and grins impishly.

Kuwani: I'd say she's back to normal.

 Kat comes over, looks, and blushes as she puts the cover back over the manhole.

Kat: OH MY!!! I think I liked her better when she was loonier than a jester's bachelor party!

Kuwani: Now, Ka-at...

 Gadget: What's going on?

 Kuwani: Um, nothing you'd want to see.

Kat: Heck *I* didn't want to see THAT!

 Gadget: See what?

Gadget comes over. Shocked, Kat teleports her away!

Kuwani: Where'd she go?

Kat: Oops! I was so shocked at the very idea of Gadget seeing, um--you know, that I, um, did a random "teleport away" out of reflex.

 Kuwani: Don't worry. I can cast a "Detection" spell and track her down.

In another dimension...

Chipper, JediChipmunk is meditating. Gadget suddenly appears behind him. Chipper feels her presence immediately and whips around, lightsaber in hand. He looks identical to Chip, but he is wearing Jedi clothes. He stares at her, enraptured, and slips his weapon back onto his belt. He then smiles disarmingly, takes her hand, and kisses it.

Chipper: And what have I ever done to deserve even a fleeting glance at such perfection?

Before she can say "Golly!", a rift opens and a furry hand comes through. It grabs Gadget, but also gets Chipper by mistake. Adam the Wookmunk, who was playing a computer game at the terminal on the other side of the room, follows his friend through the portal just before it closes. (For those that don't know, Adam resembles Dale, with his red nose and Hawaiian shirt, but he is much furrier, wears an ammo belt from shoulder to hip, and has a crossbow strapped to his back.)

Back in the Lair

Kuwani pulls her right hand (or paw, if your prefer that term) out of the rift she had created. She sees Gadget and Chipper and then notices Adam jumping out. She catches him in her left hand.

 Kuwani: Well, it looks like I have a couple of hitchhikers. Hmm. They're kinda cute.

Kat: What is Chip doing in that getup?

Gadget: I don't think THAT is the Chip I know.

Adam: * (wookmunk bellow) *

Chipper: No idea which dimension we're in Adam, (slowly gazes from Gadget to Kuwani and back to Gadget) but it is filled with the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.

Kuwani (grinning impishly): I LIKE him!! You're in Kat's Lair, which exists in a pocket dimension. I am Kuwani Kulinari, Lyrolthian sorceress extrordinare. (She curtsies) The mouse is Gadget Hackwrench, and the human with the cat-like ears is Kat T'Shober. (She looks at Kat meaningfully.)

 Kat: Um, Gadget; I'm sorry about the random 'port. I was so shocked, I did it out of reflex.

 Gadget: Golly, Kat. It's okay. But you need to be more careful with your mutant powers. You could have teleported me into a really bad place.

 Chipper: You can travel between dimensions, too?

Kat: Yeah. Mutant powers. How do you do it?

 Chipper points to a little device on his belt next to his lightsaber.

Chipper: Right there.

Adam gives a grunt followed by a few chuffs and a snort

Chipper: I'm sorry. I forgot to introduce myself.

He walks over to Gadget and once again takes her hand and kisses it. Then he does the same to Kat and Kuwani.

Chipper: I am Chipper JediChipmunk (He smiles dashingly and his cape flutters dramatically behind him) It is a pleasure to meet you.

 Adam: *wookmunk grunt* (again)

 Chipper: Oh yeah; this is Adam. He's a Wookmunk.

Kat: A wookmunk?

 Chipper: Yeah, his father was a chipmunk, his mother was a wookiee.

 Kat: But how in Shang Tsung's fireballs.......????

Chipper shakes his head and sighs.

Chipper: Don't ask!

 Kuwani: I think I know, but I won't say it in front of Gadg.

 Gadget: Knowing you, I probably don't WANT to know, you know. And please DON'T start calling me 'Gadg'! It's bad enough when Monty calls me that.

Kuwani: Aw, Gadget! You're no fun.

Kat: Kuwani, you must be mistaking her for Lawhiney. SHE'S the one who isn't any fun.

 Kuwani: Now, Ka-at...

 As if on cue, Lawhiney climbs out of the gutter, with her semi-damp clothes on and her hair messed up. She looks extremely happy. Then she stops smiling.

Lawhiney: Is Kat insulting me again?

Chipper and Adam stare at the semi-soaked mouse for a few seconds, then Chipper suddenly jerks away from her. Adam starts toward her with a twinkle in his eye.

<Chipper: Whoa, wait!

 He grabs Adam and pulls him back.

Chipper:(whispers to Adam): I've never seen such unfocused dark force energy radiate from one mouse. Don't waste your time. Someone is with her anyway.

Shake'a Bake'a climbs out of the gutter, with his clothes on. He looks kinda tired.

 A few hours Later...

 Adam is playing a game of sabacc with Kat. Chipper is explaining to Gadget, Kuwani, and Lawhiney what a lightsaber does and how his device works. Shake-a-Bake'a is watching the game.

 Gadget: So, you were taught by THE Luke Skywalker?

Chipper: Yeah. I have used my little interdemensional device here to its fullest. I learned to be a Jedi from Master Skywalker, I learned deduction from Batman, Quack Fu from Darkwing Duck......

Kuwani: You've met Darkwing, too?

Chipper: Yeah. He confused me with some other chipmunk at first, but we got along pretty well--especially after I used the Force to pull a few pranks on Gizmoduck. I caused his suit to fall off in pieces, leaving only his helmet to conceal his identity.

 Lawhiney: Aia! That's something I'VE always wanted to do to that moke!

 (Kuwani's Ring translates "moke" to "loser".)

Kat:(hearing the conversation): For once, I agree with Lawhiney.

Gadget (feigning shock): Golly! Kat just AGREED with Lawhiney?!? Where's my clipboard? I have to write this down.

 Suddenly Adam gives a loud roar.... Loud for a wookmunk anyway. Kat has beaten him at a hand of Sabacc.

Chipper: I'd be careful if I were you. Its not wise to upset a wookmunk.

Kat (looks down at Adam and sneers) : Wha-at? Is he gonna tear my arms out of their sockets?

Kat laughs.

Chipper: No, but he bites.

Adam bares his teeth and grins.

 Shake'a Bake'a (looking at Adams teeth) : Uh, babe. I suggest a new strategy--let the wookmunk win.

Kat(grinning meanly): I don't like to lose, either, bub! You should see what I do to Kombatants who use the "Scorpion Korner Cheese" on me in a game of Mortal Kombat.

Adam: *LOUD wookmunk bellow*

Kat (frowning): I DON'T cheat, bantha-breath!! How'd you like to be teleported to Pele's doorstep?

Lawhiney and Shake'a Bake'a gasp as they recognize THAT particular death threat.

Chipper: Who's Pele?

Lawhiney: A Hawaiian deity who, supposedly, lives inside a volcano. She's someone you wouldn't want to piss off--assuming you actually -believe- in that stuff.

 Chipper: Oh. (still looks a little confused)

Kuwani (aside to Chipper):In other words, Kat threatened to give him a lava bath.

Gadget (overhead the aside): Kat!! Don't be mean!

Kat: But he started it!

Kuwani: Play nice, you two, or don't play at all!

Kat: Okay, okay! Perhaps someone ELSE would like to play sabacc with the wookmunk?

Adam howls again.

Chipper: Oh, come on! She isn't cheating! I can tell when someone is being deceitful. She's NOT cheating. But with the teleportation ability, it wouldn't be hard.

Gadget: Golly! You can tell when someone is lying? That would be very useful in an interrogation.

Chipper: (Shrugs) Most of the time.

Kuwani: So Chipper, how exactly does one get Force ability anyway?

Chipper: You're born with it. But even if you have it, you need to know how to use it to your advantage.

Kuwani: So, it's sorta like psionics, huh?

Shake'a Bake'a: So, like, does anyone here have it?

Chipper (gimaces) : Well........... yes.

Kat: Who?

Chipper: Well, um. (Hesitantly points toward Lawhiney) Her.

Lawhiney: ME?!? (skeptically) Yeah, right. I suppose you're going to tell me I can shoot lightning bolts out of my hand, or choke someone from across the room. Hmm. That could come in handy; I never really got Negaduck back for trying to hurt me at that interview.
[Read "Excessive Farce" for details concerning THAT incident.]

 Lawhiney grins evily.

Chipper: NO! NO! NO! That's the dark side! Its evil; you don't want to use that. The force should only be used for defense. (pauses for a second and thinks) And its pretty cool at parties, too!

 Kuwani: How so?

Chipper points his hand at some drinks on the table and they start to lift into the air. Unnoticed to the girls, who are watching the drinks bob and weave, he also starts to lift up some clothing. Adam makes sure Shake'a Bake'a sees it too. Shake'a Bake'a just nods and grins.

Lawhiney, Gadget, Kuwani, & Kat (simultaneously): Is there a breeze in here?!?

Chipper abruptly stops everything, lets the drinks fall and they smash to the ground, effectively keeping the girls from noticing what was done.

Chipper: Well, it only works if you can keep your concentration.

Gadget: Golly! Look at this mess!

Gadget starts cleaning up the mess in the Lair.
Kat helps by teleporting objects away to where they belong, and teleporting shards of glass awayfrom the floor & into a pail.

 Lawhiney: So, why can't I use the dark side of the Force?

Chipper: Well, 'cause it's bad!

 Lawhiney: So?!?

 Chipper: Well, you know what it did to Darth Vader, right?

Lawhiney: He became one of the most powerful men in the galaxy. He had thousands of men at his beck and call. He was a slave to the dark side, but I can live with that.

Chipper: No, not that! He got ugly and the got worst case of asthma the galaxy has ever seen!

Lawhiney: (frowns) Oh.

She pulls out a mirror and admires her reflection.

Lawhiney: Definitely NOT worth it.

A small, white pod materializes in the room. A blond human steps out.

Roger Wilco: Hmm. This doesn't LOOK like PolySorbate 80.

 Kat: That's because it isn't. You're in my Lair.

 Kuwani: Are the two guys from Andromeda with you?

 Roger Wilco: Nope. I dropped them off at a little planet called Earth some time ago. They haven't been in touch since then.

 Kat (grinning): I'm from Earth.

 Gadget: Me too.

 Chipper: I've visited it. Really kind of a boring place compared to other places I've been. But it does produce some of the most enchanting females I've ever met. (winks at Gadget)

 Kat: The Earth I'm from isn't boring. Those Sentinels make it a bit dangerous, though.

 Chipper: Oh, THAT Earth. There are quite a few different dimensional versions.

 Roger Wilco: Whoa! Sentinels? Talking rodents?!? Who ARE you people?

Kuwani: I'm Kuwani Kulinari, Lyrolthian Tari and sorceress extraordinare. The human with cat-like ears is Kat. The chipmunk is Chipper JediChipmunk and the wookmunk is his friend, Adam. The mouse wearing coveralls and goggles is Gadget. The brown mouse and his girlfriend are Shake'a Bake'a and Lawhiney. (Kuwani pauses to catch her breath) Did I leave anyone out?

Roger Wilco: Whoa! I must be in the wrong sequel! I had better be going now.

Roger gets back into his pod. Soon after, it vanishes.

Chipper: Do things like that happen a lot around here?

 Kat: Yeah. Get used to it, bub.

Voice From Above (male): Where the -heck- did he come from? I don't remember writing Roger into the script.

Voice From Above (female): I did it.

Voice From Above (male): Oh.

Kat cups her hands around her mouth and yells.

Kat: Hey! Could we get back to the story??

Voice From Above (female): Okay.

 Kuwani: I'm getting bored. Hey, Chipper; could we hang out at your place for a while?

Chipper: (shrugs) Sure. Why not? But you big ones will find it a bit cramped. (turns to Kuwani) You happen to have a shrink spell? There's room enough there, but you and Kat would be confined to a sitting position.

Kuwani: No problem! I just happen to have "Dimunition" memorized.

Kat: I think I'll sit this one out.

Lawhiney: Let me guess why...you invited Kurt over again, didn't you?

Kat looks at the ceiling.

Kat: So what if I did?

 Kuwani: Don't worry; I can keep this group in line without you, Kat

Lawhiney (feigning innocence): Who? Us?

Gadget: Well, if you can't behave, we'll just leave you here.

Kat: WHAT?!? No way! I'll teleport them back to your dimension, Gadget!

Chipper: Oh don't worry about 'em. They can come.

Kat smirks.

 Kat: I hope you know what yer in for, Chipper.

Kuwani casts her shrink spell and reduces herself.

Chipper: OK, Everyone hold on to me.

They disappear in a flash of light leaving Kat alone. A few seconds later Kurt appears. Kats smile turns from one of general happiness to a slightly evil, yet very happy, grin.

Cut to Chipper's Dimension

Chipper, Adam, Gadget, Lawhiney, Shake'a Bake'a, and Kuwani appear. Gadget turns to Chipper

Gadget: Can I borrow this a second? (Gestures at his device.)

 Chipper: Well I guess…

 Gadget quickly takes it and disappears, she reappears with Chip and Dale.

Chip: Um, Gadget. Where are we?

Chip studies Chipper while Dale studies Adam.

Gadget: Different dimension. I want you to meet Chipper.

Chipper: (Shakes Chip's hand) Um. Hello, I must say, you're one handsome chipmunk.

Chip: Right back at ya!

Chipper: And that's one pretty lady you've got there, too.

Chip: (sighs) Yeah, I know. You want to talk for a little bit. (He sees the way Chipper is looking at Gadget) I think there's something I need to discuss with you.

Chipper: Uh, ok. Sure. (Turns to the others) Adam will show you guys around.

Chipper and Chip walk off in discussion. The others follow Adam, He is in the middle of showing off something that looks like either an abstract sculpture or a toilet for a centaur when they return a few minutes later.

Kuwani: So, what was that about?

Chipper: Well, lets just say I decided to leave one of Chip's interests to Chip. (He winks at Kuwani and whispers.) Besides, If you can't befriend your own dimensional equal? Who can you trust? (Produces a rose from out of nowhere and hands it to Kuwani.) He really loves her, and I kind of like a bit of warrior in a girl anyway. (Gives her a dashing smile)

Kuwani gives him a charming grin and sniffs the rose. Then she frowns.

Kuwani: Even one who hasn't always fought on the side of the angels?

Chipper: Doesn't matter which side you fought on. (takes her hand) As long as you're on the good side now.

Kuwani gazes at Chipper warmly.

Gadget: (breaking the mood) Hey! Where did Lawhiney and Shake'a Bake'a go?

Chip and Chipper look around curiously, Dale, Adam, and Kuwani just shrug, then Adam's eyes widen and he lets out a roar.

Chipper: WHAT? What is it? (sounds slightly irritated)

Adam roars again and charges off. Chipper's mouth drops open.

 Chipper: Oh NO!

Chip, Gadget, Dale, and Kuwani: WHAT?!?

 Chipper: NOT THE ALDERANIAN ALE!

They all follow Adam and find both Lawhiney and Shake'a Bake'a, completely smashed, lying on the floor in front of a broken cabinet.

Chipper: I was saving that for a special occasion!! They could have gotten the Corellian Ale. But NOOOOO, they had to get into the expensive stuff.

Lawhiney and Shake'a Bake'a look at them and break out in hysterical laughter.

 Chipper: You see anything funny here?!? I don't!

He ignites his lightsaber and points it at Shake'a Bake'a

Shake'a Bake'a holds out the (nearly-empty) bottle.

Shake'a Bake'a: Hey, dude! We *hic* shaved some for yuh.

The bottle slips out of his grasp and falls. Chipper catches it with the Force and gives it to Adam. Adam looks at it sadly and lets out a mournful bellow.

Chipper: SHAVED SOME FOR US! (puts lightsaber under Shake'a Bake'a's chin and growls) I'll give you a shave!!

Gadget: You're not going to hurt him--are you?!

Chipper: (Tries very hard to stay mad but can't) NO! GOSH DARN IT ! That would be letting the dark side take control. Stinks to be a Jedi sometimes.

He sighs, walks away, deactivates his lightsaber and hangs it on his belt, flops on the couch, and stares at the ceiling.

Kuwani look at them, disgusted.

Kuwani: You're drunk!

Lawhiney: And Dale's ticklish!

She tries to tickle Dale, but he easily manages to keep one step ahead of her, since she isn't very quick or coordinated at the moment…

 Dale: Hey! Cut that out!

Chip: Is there a fire hose in here?

Shake'a Bake'a starts making passes at Gadget. She tries to convince him that he's talking to the wrong mouse. Adam comes over, howls, and smacks him.

Kuwani: That's enough, you two. I'm sending you back.

Lawhiney: O-tay. I'm to drive to drunk, anyway.

Kuwani casts "Dimension Door" and a rift appears. She levitates the naughty pair and hurls them through the rift.

Back at Kat's Lair:

Kat and Kurt are cuddling on the couch when suddenly two mice appear above them and fall onto them.

Shake'a Bake'a: Uh, Hi.

Kat: What th'...?!?

 Kurt: Mein Gott!!

Kat: Geez! Can't we -ever- get any PRIVACY?!?

Kat teleports them away.

Back at the Treehouse:

 Gadget: Um. I think its time we left.

Kuwani: Good idea. The dastardly duo have pooped this party.

She makes a portal and allows Chip, Dale, and Gadget to return to their dimension. When Kuwani doesn't leave Adam looks at her questioningly.

 Kuwani: You have anyplace else you want to be?

Adam: (translated) Someplace with some Alderanian ale.

Kuwani: (laughs) Sure. No problem.

Kuwani "slashes" the air and a portal to George Lucas's wine cellar appears. Adam dashes through it. She then walks over to Chipper who is still staring at the ceiling. He notices her and smiles. She grins impishly, sits down next to him, and fiddles with the rose he gave her.

Kuwani: Thanks for the rose, Chipper.

Chipper: (A bit flustered) Um, You're welcome. (pulls himself together) You're welcome. But it pales in comparison to you. I would offer you something to drink but… (gestures at the broken cabinet) Anything else I can get you?

Kuwani: (gets the impish grin again) Well.....

Kuwani looks into the camera.

Kuwani: G'night, everybody!

The camera fades to black.

Karen here. Heh; I can't blame Candy for *this* one. I guess it really started when Chip Lundsmark asked me to do the JediChipmunk drawing. Then he asked me if I was going to do any more 'Kuwani' stories. I got an idea (oh, my!) and asked him if he'd want to go in on a story with me and use his alter-ego. Several e-mails later, we had something that resembled a story. Anyway, we used some characters that aren't ours. Therefore I have to cover our butts with a disclaimer: (no mooning or booing, please)