Chip Chap (Registered User) Friday, June 6, 2003 A new coffeehouse thread: Attack of the Dark Shadow Enigma! The Acorn Cafe was busy that day, several Rangerphiles discussed ideas for new fan-fictions, some argued about how different situations would turn our, and others did whatever they felt like... ...however the peace and happiness was about to be shattered by the devious, destructive, dastardly, and diabolicly dashing Dark Shadow Enigma! The Dark Shadow Enigma strolled back and forth across the deck of his giant starship. Several nameless Minions hurredly carried out tasks which are too unimportant for me to waste my time mentioning, and the few minions that actually have names haven't been written yet so I can't very well say what they... The Dark Shadow Enigma: Ahem... let's get this show on the road. I've got some evil villaining to do! Okay... The Dark Shadow Enigma: Well anyway... I feel like doing something viley villainous violent and vexingly vicious but I'm not quite sure what... The shadowy figure paused for a moment to reflect on the sparklingly polished masonry. The Dark Shadow Enigma: Aha! I'll go start a cartoon show based on something everyone knows and loves... and then mess it up so horribly that people become soulless husks when they see their most treasured memories turned to dust Bwahahahaha! Nameless minion: Ack! You heartless fiend! The Dark Shadow Enigma: Haha! Thank you, you're too kind! Named minion: Um, what if people just choose to not watch it? The Dark Shadow Enigma: Oh, well that would be a problem... I know! I'll spread rumors that the Rescue Rangers are getting all their episodes put on high-quality DVDs! Those dopey Rangerphiles will fall for it like dominoes on a rocking chair! Nameless minion: How despicably cruel! Named Minion: That doesn't sound very evil... The Dark Shadow Enigma gave the named minion a whithering glance and demoted him to nameless minion and promoted the nameless minion to a named one (just to save paperwork you understand). Named minion (formerly nameless): Yay! Nameless minion (formerly named): Ugh, I have got to have the worst job ever... The Dark Shadow Enigma: Well... now that I think about it... my evil plots are rather plotless. I mean, who would want to read (or write) about me spreading rumors? I know! I'll destroy the Acorn Cafe! Nameless minion... Nameless minion: Yes, your wickedness? The Dark Shadow Enigma: Set course for the Acorn Cafe and prepare the teleporter... I'm going to send the most maliciously monsterous and malignant monstroseties those Cafe goers have ever seen right into their little oasis from the horrible angst-filled land of Real Life (tm)! Named minion... Named minion: Yes, your vileness? The Dark Shadow Enigma: Call up NightMare Enterprizes... I'm going to order some cameos... And so the massive starship flew toward the Acorn Cafe, what will happen? That depends on who writes next! ---------------------------- CD (Registered User) At the Rangerphile coffeehouse... Conversation is in the air. There's also conversation between visitors, mind you. Until suddenly someone enters with a lot of noise, but nobody looks up. Mercy (annoyed): Oh no, another party crasher. CD: Who's it this time. Attacker: It is me...Cinderella! CD: (bored) Not you, you're too lame. You've had one too many sequels. I suppose you've come to destroy the place? Cinderella: That's true, the Dark Shadow Enigma sends his regards! Steve: One question: just how do you think you're going to destroy this place? Your bare hands? Cinderella: I brought some help! Royal Guards, attack! A number of men rush into the room who wear plate armor and all carry a pike. They look mean. At last the Rangerphiles react to the invasion. Monty (cracking his knuckles): This might prove interesting. ---------- Good day and shall the spearmen be dispatched and the Dark Shadow Enigma defeated? Nobody knows yet. -------------------------------------------------- Chip Chap (Registered User) And so the battle begins. The soldiers rushed forth carrying a large and visious looking pike which snapped and glared menacingly at the occupants of the Acorn Cafe. "Um, what are you guys carrying a big fish for?" Gadget asked with concern. "None of you business!" The Pike snapped angrily. One of the soldiers began indroducing the fish, "Aye, lassy. This here be Frezzic the Flayer. The fiercest fishy ever to find footing on the..." "I said Be Quiet!" Frezzic growled viciously at the soldier. "I've had it with touchy-feely witty introduction stuff! It's time to get vicious!" At that, the vicious fish lept straight into the middle of the room and began brutally attacking the occupants of the cafe. "Oh no you don't!" Monty shouted as he picked up a nearby chair and jabbed it at Frezzic like a lion tamer keeping a lion at bay. "There isn't a fish alive that can out-fight me! I've mud-wrestled electric eels in the swamps of Afganistan and beat evey one of 'em1" "Hah!", Frezzic laughed as he flipped himself onto a nearby table. "That's a pretty tall tale there, Cheese Breath. But my tail is taller!" At that, the freshwater fighter lept into the air and smacked a cup of coffee into Monty's face sending moderatly warm coffee into the mouses face. "Ouch! That ceramic is hard... but at least whoever drank this stuff added enough cream to it." Unfortunatly for Monty, Frezzic didn't waste time aking a witty comeback because at that moment he dug he bit down onto Monty's right arm and slammed the Australian mouse into a nearby wall, knocking him out. "Monty!" Gadget shouted as she ran over to see if her friend was all right, but was tripped and tied up by one of the guards who had chosen to lie low for the duration of the fight. "Bwahaha!" Frezzic laughed at the remaining cafe-goers. "I've got two of your friends captured and there's nothing you can do about it!" How will the members of the Acorn Cafe stop the killer fish from destroying the Cafe? ------------------------------------------- The J.A.M. (Registered User) FISH!!! [...unWARP!!!] Good evening. ******* [UNWARP!!!] Out from the shadows suddenly appeared everyone's favorite Mexican jaguar, who was drooling over the sight of raw fish. "WOW!" he purred, looking ferally at the pike. "It's about time this Coffeehouse served species-specific food!!" With that, he pounced on the helpless fish, snagged him with one bite, chewed heartily, swallowed, and said, "Yum!" [UNWARP!!!] And he disappeared in the shadows again. ******* Until next time, remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening. [WARP!!!] --------------------------------------- Chip Chap (Registered User) Back in the Shadows again... out where a feline's your friend... Everyone in the cafe looked at each other in confusion. "Well that certainly was effective." Gadget said. "Aye," one of the soldiers offered, "But ah hope that Jaguar has taken all his shots... Frezzic was hatched and raised downstream of a condemned nuclear power plant... which explains why he was three meters long, could breath on land and had those razor-sharp fins and all..." "I don't think that really matters now, buddy." another soldier said, "Without Frezzic, we're just a bunch of nameless thugs. We'd better get out of here before we get seriously hurt." At that, all the soldiers ran out of the cafe... "Hooray!" Everyone shouted. ...and returned carrying machine guns, swords, grenades, several fans and a bag of industrial-strength itching powder. "Oh boy..." Gadget said with concern. ================== Meanwhile on the Dark Shadow Enigma's (D.S.E. for short) starship... The D.S.E. tapped his fingers on the arm of his big chair impatiently. "Shouldn't those guys have destroyed the Acorn Cafe yet?" "I doubt it, you Destructiveness" said a nameless minion, "This is an ongoing thread so it wouldn't make sense for the first wave to destroy the place... that was just to stir thing up so you'll be justified in bringing out the heavy artillery." "Of course!" The D.S.E. said, brightening up, "Now I can get some really good monsters to battle those Cafe-goers! Call up the NightMare Enterprise's Online Monster site again!" The main view screen flickered to life as the moderately evil and semi-devious Dark Shadow Enigma came face-to-face with a being of such unnatural evilness that mere words can't describe the treacherous soul that was on the other end of the line... it was a Salesman! "How's it hanging, Darkly? I take it your first attack on the Acorn Cafe was a bit of a flop wasn't it?" "You can say that again! I'm just glad that radioactive pike was on sale." The D.S.E. said offhand. "Of course it was..." The Salesman said without hesitation. "But now that we've more or less sized up the competition I think I can recommend a few of our better monsters for you needs..." The screen changed to show a massive robotic elephant. "Meet Zora the Elephant... this mechanical mammoth was originally designed as part of a robotic safari zone! He's designed to seek out and kill all humans he comes into contact with (along with anything else he sees) his steel hide and oversized servos make him immune to most physical attack and capable of smashing solid concrete. The wind turbine build into his trunk can create a vacuum capable of yanking planes out of the air and if he gets near a source of water..." the salesman chuckled evilly for a moment "well, lets say you can wash a whole fleet of cars in matter of seconds! (If you don't mind losing a few paint-jobs.) "Hmmm..." The Dark Shadow Enigma pondered that for a moment, "That sounds interesting... lets see what else you have." "Okay..." The screen changed to show a creature that looked just like a snow leopard but larger and with six legs, "How about Lupe the Space Snow Leopard? He's actually a multi-organism entity formed of billions of space-amoebas. This allows him to squeeze through the tightest spaces and even re-form if he's seriously injured. He also gains nourishment from absorbing energy from electrical appliances... but watch out for lightning storms since static electricity can seriously hurt him." D.S.E. shook his head, "I don't think so... I don't want to blow a whole bunch of money on something that will probably get toasted as soon as it appears." "Well.. if you're looking for a good deal I might have just the thing for you." The screen changed again to reveal a robed and hooded figure... pink fur and feline whiskers could be seen under the hood and a pink tale stuck out from the bottom of the robe. "Meet Clawdia, this catgirl was one of the elite members of King Gorges army and as such has the power to create monsters out of food! Just give her access to the right ingredients and she can cook up a whole army of varied monsters for you." The Dark Shadow Enigma considered the choices for a moment and came to a decision. Which monster will the Dark Shadow Enigma use for his attack on the Acorn Cafe? Will he choose one of the ones he was shown or perhaps one completely different? How are the Rangerphiles faring against the soldiers right now? Find out next on "Attack of The Dark Shadow Enigma! --------------------------------- CD (Registered User) Once again, the guards attack A fat guard rushed forward, over to CD and hits him on the head with a M16. CD: Hey, you could hurt someone with that thing! Guard: Yeah, like I'm scared! Monty manages to sneak up on the guard, grabs his rifle and swings it at him. The guard stumbles back a bit and gets furious. His head turns red and tears are streaming down his face. Guard: (crying) I will kill you! I'll kill you all! Other Guard: Now there there lad. Don't get mad now, if you don't react to it they'll get bored with it. Yet another Guard: You big bully, see what you did to him! He's a very sensitive person, you had no right to attack him! Other Guard: Let's get out of here lads, this place is just filled with mean people. The soldiers leave, while the Coffeehouse goers are shocked. ---------------------------------- From the shadows, everyone hears a "BURP!!! Excuse me!!!" but no one can pinpoint the source... The J.A.M. ---------------------------------- Chip Chap (Registered User) okay, no more Mr. Nice Trying-to-liven-up-the-Story-Board! At that moment the Dark Shadow Enigma finished downloading his latest super-weapon from NightMare Enterprises... a hyper-advanced cloning machine. D.S.E: Hahaha! Now with this machine I will be able to destroy the Acorn Cafe once and for all! (or at least immobilize the members long enough for me to blow the place up!) Nameless minion: Oh really? but how do you plan to do that? D.S.E: Oh, you'll see... ============ Meanwhile back at the cafe... Everyone congradulated themselves for getting rid of the invaders so swiftly and effectively. Until a knok was heard on the door. knock: Hey guys! There's a bunch of cute girls out here! I think they're all clones or something! Random Gadgetphile: Yay! I bet they're a bunch of Gadget clones! (opens the door) Unfortunatly they wen't Gadget clones... they were Elmira clones! Elmira clones: Ohhhhh! What bunch of cuddly wuddly Rangerphile heads! (the clones all rush in and lock everyone in a death-hug) I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you and pet you and love you all to PIECES! Rangerphiles: Accckkk! However, in the shadows... lurked a hero who remained unseen who could save the day from the army of animal loving clones... it was The J.A.M.! Elmira clone: Ohhh! Look at the glowing sparkily! The J.A.M.: Huh? Unfortunatly, Frezzic had injested so much nuclear waste in his youth that he not only mutated to become big and vicious... he also glowed in the dark so The J.A.M. was now quite visible in the no-longer-so-concealing shadows! Elmira clone: Ohhh! (jumps up and grabs The J.A.M.) I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you and... The Jaguar fought valiantly but the army of indestructible clones were too powerful and soon every last member of the Acorn Cafe was getting the life squeezed out of them by Elmira clones. Somewhere out in space... the Dark Shadow Enigma laughed... ------------------------- CD (Registered User) With everyone running from Elmyra clones CD decided that he'd climb on a table and cling to one of the lamps hanging from the ceiling. And with a clone waiting for him beneath him, he had no intention of coming down anytime soon. CD: What are you chasing me for? I'm no animal! Elmyra Clone #43: Yeah, but you're handsome! CD: No I'm not, I'm hideous! Elmyra Clone #43: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. CD: That says a lot for your tastes. The lamp CD had been hanging on time came down a bit until CD was at eye level with Elmyra Clone #43. Elmyra Clone #43: I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you and... CD: And I'm gonna run and flee and escape this nuthouse. True to his word, CD runs out the Coffeehouse, but the clone ran after him. CD figured running wasn't the option when faced with an exited brat and so he stopped, pulled out a pencil and paper. CD (threateningly): I will do this! Elmyra Clone #43: You wouldn't. CD: Yes I will! Having not forgotten the lesson he learned from the time Magical Female Powered girls tried to kidnap every male, he quickly wrote the ultimate weapon to a girl's desire into the plot to help him: a sailor. Popeye: Hey, what's going on here? Where's Olive? What happened to me meal of spinach? Elmyra Clone #43 (lovestruck): Ooooooooh! You're wooooonderful! Popeye: Huh, who's there. Planning to stab in the are ye? Ah, it's simply a little kid. Now please beat it miss, I got a girl my age to chase. Elmyra Clone #43 (hugging Popeye): I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you (etc). CD whiped his forehead and returned to the Coffeehouse to see if it was still there. ---------------------- MegaDale (Registered User) When hug comes to squeeze then there's only one thing to do... Everyone was busy running franticly from the army of Elmira clones and unfortunately MegaDale was no exception. Emira clone#421:Come back cutey wutie rangerphile head! I want to hug you and squeeze you and.. MegaDale:Yeah and squish me and strangle me and pop me like a zit! MegaDale quickly made his way toward the magical bureau drawer of neckties and quickly ducked inside. "Oooooo I see where you went heehee,I got you noooow. The Emira clone jumps inside as well but suddenly finds her self falling and when she lands notices that she is in another location,one where the occupants are not so cute. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...omph! "Hey,where am I? What happened to the cutie wutie rangerphile? Boy it sure is foggy around here,I wonder what that sign says? Welcome..to.. Silent hill. Meanwhile MegaDale climbs out of the drawer, closes it and wipes his forehead. "Whew I'm glad that's over now maybe I can be left alone. Emira clone#675 Ooooo, Come here cutie wutie heehee! "Aw noooo"! And with that MegaDale preceeds to run in fear for his life once more. MegaDale:Looks like it's time to take drastic action now! MegaDale runs back to the bureau drawer reaches inside and quickly pulls out Buster and Babs bunny. Buster:Huh? How did we get here? Babs:Yeah I feel like we were just made part of a magician's stage trick. Elmira clone675:Ooooo, cutie wutie bunnies to play with! Come to Elmiiiira Buster & Babs: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! And now that the Elmira clone had two new targets to chase around the cafe MegaDale felt it was safe to find time to actually locate a suitable hiding spot from all the rest of the clones till an appropriate solution was achieved. Buster: How did we end up here? Babs That's what I'd like to know! MegaDale: Easy, it's called a distraction. And with that MegaDale decides the best place to hide from annoying and lethal toon girls is one place they can't go,the men's room. -------------------------------- Greyhound Bus (Registered User) looks like buses arent safe fromt here wrath!! The Greyhound Bus,an Eagle model 10,sits outside and watches the action thats goin on in da storyboard room.He chuckles to himself as he's approached by an Elmira clone Elmira Clone No 989: HEY THERE YOU BIG CUTE GREYHOUNIE BUSIE THING YOU!!!! Da Bus: Get lost reject or feel my wrath!! Elmira Clone No 989: thats no way for a cute busie thingie to talk. What you need is a freind!! Let me hug you and love you and..... Da Bus: Good Lord even a bus aint safe from these...."things".HEY OFF DA PAINT JOB!!!DONT TOUCH THAT BUTTON!!!!NNOOO ....STOP!!! Elmira Clone No 989 pushes a small button just beside the entrance door. With a small hiss or air,it slides open and she bounces in all happy. Elmira Clone No 989: OOOHHHH......PPEERRRDDDDYYYYYY.can i drive you, you cute busie thing that just opened the door for me!!! She sits down in the driver's seat and starts flickin buttons like made. Da Bus:*mumbles to himself*im gunna need an overhaul now!!!*yells to the clone* HEY GET OUTTA THAT SEAT.YOU HAVE TO HAVE ATLEAST AN IQ LEVEL MORE THAN A BOWL OF GRITS TO DRIVE!!! The clone contiues to play with his buttons and switches that clodder the control panel.She bounces up and down on the air-ride seat,turning the wheel back and forth like a kid at an Arcade playin Daytona USA without puttin the money in. Elmira Clone No 989: WWHEEEE THIS IS FUN!!! COME ON MR BUSIE THING,DRIVE!!!! Da Bus: Ill give you something fun you little brain sucker!! While the clone is busy pretending she's a bus driver,Da Bus pumps up the air in the driver's seat.A small hatch opens right above the seat. Da Bus:You wanna drive little depressed brainless poor excuse for a child?!?! Elmira Clone No 989: YYEEAAAA......VVROOOMMMMMMM...BEEEP BEEEP..VRROOOMMM!!!! Getting the seat up to 300 psi,he releases the pin.With a loud hiss,air is dumped into the seat's air-ride cylinder, causeing the seat to push up with 15 times the force of a springboard.The clone is sent rocketing skyward at 190mph! Elmira Clone No 989:VVVRROO--AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH Da Bus: The maiden flight of the Clone Flyer 5000 is a GO!!! More clones start running outside,all looking at the bus dreamy eyed. Elmira Clone No 612: LOOK EVERYBODY,ITS A CUTE LITTLE BUSIE THING WITH A CUTE LITTLE DOG ON THE SIDE...LETS HUG'EM AND LOVE'EM AND GIVE'EM A BATH!!! Da Bus: uh oh...this aint lookin to good.Time to vacate and make myself unknown. Da Bus powers up and begins to float a few feet off the ground. His wheels start to fold in like the Back to the Future car.His main door closes while a small set of Delta wings come out the side where the back wheels are. In the rear,2 huge Ion jets come out,fire up and produces a blue glow. Da Bus: BYE BYE KIDDIES!!! Full powers the engines as he tilts skyward.The heat and wind from the engines blow a few of the clones into cinder blocks!The bus blasts into the air and flys off toward the Acorn Cafe coffee house,if its still there. The Elmira Clone No 989 he launched a few seconds before just now reaching the apeck of her fall and smashes into his windshield creating a very nasty window display. Da Bus: Dam bugs,they get bigger by the day!!Must be them Nuclear Plants!! He switches on his wipers,clearing the window of this unwanted " insect", smearing it a bit and contiues on,landing a black from the Acorn Cafe and pulls up infront of the shop. If a bus was travling west at 35mph,a duck collided with a lamp pole,the traffic light on Elm and 3rd street turned green,cause'in ah pigeon to fly into the side of a building while talkin on a cell phone, rite before it started raining, what time will it be in Moscow? --------------------------- * okay, up to the top! (No Text) Chip Chap