--Ranger's Coffeehouse--
      [to the tune of "Star Wars Cantina" which is a parody of "Coba Cabana" by Barry Manilow]

      Her name is Gizmo
      She is the chef here
      At a crossroads of space -- just about every fanfic's place
      See the characters
      From all the fanfics
      Out of their homes and their ports -- and usually out of sorts
      Wescott is Tammy's date
      Sadly, Marie is late
      But others are filing in
      Even Ivana must grin 

      At the Ranger's
      (Ranger's)
      Ranger's Coffeehouse
      (Ranger's Coffeehouse)
      It's staffed and then managed by a mouse
      (Here at the)
      The Ranger's
      (Ranger's)
      Ranger's Coffeehouse
      Kyle needs help -- mental
      Osiris needs dental
      At the Ranger's

      His name is Shadow
      He wears a trenchcoat
      With a pretty crummy past -- at least he'll eat well at last
      Her name is Helen
      One of the mothers
      Gadget has more than a few -- Mother's day is just a zoo
      This place has mechanics
      Caprice knows of "magicks"
      While Otis sits down to read
      More "Better Caves and Attics"

      At the Ranger's
      (Ranger's)
      Ranger's Coffeehouse
      (Ranger's Coffeehouse)
      Whatever it is, you can bring your spouse
      (Here at the)
      The Ranger's
      (Ranger's)
      Ranger's Coffeehouse
      Music and laughter
      But don't check the rafters
      At the Ranger's

      [Mambo bridge]

      Her name is Widget
      She's Gadget's sister
      She can do you grievous harm -- even though she's half-unarmed
      Dr. O'Connor?
      Meet Dr. Skinner.
      With the Ranger's HMO -- they've watched their bank accounts grow
      Jurgen's oiled torpedoes
      Stain Leviathan's clothes
      They start to get irate
      Now there's Monty with the hose!

      At the Ranger's
      (Ranger's)
      Ranger's Coffeehouse
      (Ranger's Coffeehouse)
      The jukebox ranges from Iron Goose to Strauss
      (Here at the)
      The Ranger's
      (Ranger's)
      Ranger's Coffeehouse
      Faith, Erick, Kuwani
      "Gosh", "Golly" and "Crikey!"
      At the Ranger's

      New lyrics [c] 1998 Matt Plotecher