Lawhiney Reads StH#3

Dale and Shake’a Bake’a are reading comic books. Chip walks in, followed by Lawhiney.

S.B.: Whoa! They let you out -this- soon, babe?

LAWHINEY: No, sweetie. I’m on probation.

CHIP: Yeah, and if you misbehave, you’re going back to jail!

LAWHINEY: (sarcastically): Thank you oh soooo much for reminding me, Chirp!

CHIP: For the last time it’s "Chip"! C-H-I-P! Not "Chirp", not "Chap", not "Chop", nor any other tongue trip you can come up with.

LAWHINEY: (ignores Chip) Comics? Are there any good ones?

DALE: Sure!

Dale hands her an issue of Ka-Blammo Man. She flips through it.

LAWHINEY: Um, ya have any in which people -don’t- wear their undies over their pants?

S.B.: Uh, sure.

Shake’a Bake’a give her a copy of Speed Racer. Lawhiney flips through it.

LAWHINEY: Um, anything that -doesn’t- feature a human?

DALE: How ‘bout this?

Dales hands her a rather battered copy of Sonic the Hedgehog. She looks at the cover. It shows a blue hedgehog saying, "We just checked the other comics on this rack..." and a 2-tailed fox behind him saying, "...THIS is the one you want." Lawhiney flips through it.

LAWHINEY: Obviously a fantasy book. This hedgehog is blue and his fox friend has 2 tails.

S.B.: That’s why he’s called "Tails", babe.

DALE: And Sonic is -supposed- to be blue! He also has super-speed.

Lawhiney looks at page 1.

LAWHINEY: Uh, huh...

S.B.: Give it a chance, Lawhiney.

She looks at page 2.

LAWHINEY: "...Robotnik’s got ‘the bomb’." Um, who is "Robotnik"?

DALE: Oh, he’s a fat, ugly tyrant who’s always trying to capture the Freedom Fighters and turn them into robot slaves.

CHIP: (sneering)You’d probably like him, Lawhiney.

Lawhiney ignores Chip and points at panel 4.

LAWHINEY: Is that him with the crab?

DALE: Yup.

Lawhiney reads panel 5.

LAWHINEY: (reading Robotnik’s lines) "Once I detonate it, every last one of them will die!" Ooooh, he’s -nasty-! Heh, heh!

DALE: Yeah; he’s meaner than ol’ FatCat.

CHIP: I didn’t know that was possible. It -must- be a fantasy book.

Lawhiney flips to part 2.

LAWHINEY: So, the purple walrus is a master of disguise, huh?

DALE: Well, not really. He doesn’t do it after this issue.

CHIP: Ha! Probably because the Writers give characters abilities and then forget about them.

LAWHINEY: Why does that crab look weird?

DALE: Cuz he’s a robot.

LAWHINEY: Oh. I take it that the fat guy never says "please" and the walrus is gonna get busted.

S.B.: Yeah.

CHIP: You’re actually interested in that thing?

LAWHINEY: What’s it to ya, chipmunk?

CHIP: Nothing. It just seemed odd that -you’d- enjoy a comic book.

LAWHINEY: Hey, what kind of villain would label his bomb?

S.B.: I dunno. What kind does?

DALE: Uh, a forgetful one?

CHIP: Try "one that’s stupid".

Lawhiney turns the page.

LAWHINEY: Huh? Now the fat guy is a master of disguise, too?

DALE: Only for that story. Oh, and he used camoflage once in a later story.

Lawhiney looks at panel 4.

LAWHINEY: This is getting ridiculous!

S.B.: Uh, Sonic thinks so, too. Check out the next page.

CHIP: Looks like he’s quoting Popeye while he’s at it.

DALE: And they’re both down for the count! Sonic wins by double K.O.!

S.B.: Whoa! They look like they need super aspirin or something!

LAWHINEY: So, the good guys get the bomb, huh. It figures. I doubt it’ll go "boom" when they open it.

DALE: Well, they can’t kill off the main character. The comic -is- called Sonic the Hedgehog for a reason.

Lawhiney reads the rest of the page and laughs.

LAWHINEY: A -bug- bomb? Ha,ha,ha!

Dale chuckles.

DALE: Yeah. Flying ants all over ‘buttnik’s pantry! Ha,ha,ho,ha!

Lawhiney looks at a 1-page item.

LAWHINEY: What the..?! A turtle on a "rocket-powered" skateboard?

DALE: Yeah. And Sonic didn’t even notice.

LAWHINEY: I don’t get it.

CHIP: Have you ever heard the story they were talking about? The one called "The Tortoise and the Hare"?

LAWHINEY: No. What’s a "tortoise"?

CHIP: A type of turtle.

LAWHINEY: Oh. So why don’t they just call it a turtle?

CHIP: -sigh- Just forget it, Lawhiney.

Lawhiney turns the page and reads the 1-page item "Double Speak".

LAWHINEY: What’s so funny about talking to yourself? I do it all the time. Well, I don’t insult myself like the blue hedgehog did.

S.B.: Uh, don’t go there, babe.

Lawhiney reads another 1-page item, titled "Paper Trail".

LAWHINEY: So, the pink girl is a princess, huh.

DALE: Yup.

LAWHINEY: Well -I- would have been queen if Haba-Haba hadn’t come up with those stupid "survival tests".

CHIP: You caused a -lot- of trouble over that!

LAWHINEY: (ignores Chip) I don’t get this.

DALE: Well, in the earliest issues, Sally had yellow hair. They changed it to black. Now she’s a red-head.

LAWHINEY: She must love hair dye.

DALE: No,no,no. The colorists kept changing it.

LAWHINEY: So, she gets it done in a salon?

S.B.: Huh?

CHIP: The colorist for the comic, dummy.

LAWHINEY: So why did they keep changing it?

DALE: Hmm. Good question. All I know is that she had red hair in the cartoon, but in the pilot episode she looked like this.

CHIP: There was a cartoon, too?

S.B.: Yeah.

DALE: Confused yet?

LAWHINEY: Yes!

Lawhiney flips past an advertisement and starts reading part 1 of "Rabbot Deployment". She points at Sonic & Sally on page1, panel 2.

LAWHINEY: Do they always treat each other like this?

DALE: Sometimes. They’re in love, but they can’t admit it to each other.

CHIP: Because Sonic & Sally are shy?

DALE: No, because the reps at Sega won’t let Sonic show much emotion & they think having a girlfriend is not cool.

LAWHINEY: Sega?

S.B.: Yeah, babe. Sonic was a video game dude first. Sega made the games.

LAWHINEY: Whatever.

She points to page2, panel 1.

LAWHINEY: (reading) "Nice ‘Ariel’ photography!" That’s a pun about Disney’s Little Mermaid, right?

DALE: Right!

CHIP: I’m amazed you even recognized it.

LAWHINEY: (reading) "What have I told you two about those bad puns?" Well, what -did- she tell ‘em?

S.B.: "They’re way cool, so keep ‘em coming?"

CHIP: "Set those off -outside- so the fallout won’t get my floor dirty!"?

DALE: Ha! Good one, Chip! Actually, I don’t think she’s gotten onto them about bad puns before.

LAWHINEY: Knothole is underground?

DALE: Um, that’s kinda hard to explain. In these old issues, the Writer thought Knothole was underground.

LAWHINEY: Did somebody turn out the lights? They seem to be standing in the dark.

CHIP: Dramatic effect? Nah, that would be giving the artist too much credit.

DALE: Maybe Manak got lazy with that panel?

LAWHINEY: Why is the hedgehog talking like that?

CHIP: Bad writing?

DALE: Try "annoying Southern clichés", Chip. And before you ask, there wasn’t any such zone called the Danger Zone in any of the games.

Lawhiney points to page 3, panel 1.

LAWHINEY: Is this a joke?

DALE: Yeah; a lame baseball pun.

CHIP: How can you guys bear so much pun-ishment?

S.B.: Uh, I dunno. We just do.

CHIP: That question was rhetorical, Shake’a.

S.B.: Uh, okay.

LAWHINEY: Hmm. If that’s a robot maker, then those robots must be trying to "make" a new friend.

CHIP: Yeah, the hard way.

LAWHINEY: Lemmie guess; the blue hedgehog rescues the rabbit and takes out the robots.

DALE: Those are SWATbots, and--well, I don’t wanna ruin the story.

LAWHINEY: Ha! The hero forgot to untie himself! Does that mean the robots win? Cool!

DALE: Keep reading...

LAWHINEY: (reading) "Look at that horizontal Sonic Spin!" I’m looking. Does he do that in the games?

S.B.: Sonic Spin? Sure!

DALE: But not a horizontal one.

LAWHINEY: Well, it looks like those SWATbots lost their heads over it.

CHIP: Oh, brother! That was worse than the pun that robot dropped!

Chip points to the panel in which a SWATbot says, "He’s a real cut up all right!"

LAWHNEY: (reading) "Yow! A robot-maker in action!" Will somebody give the hero here a Golden DUH Award?!

Lawhiney looks at the next page.

LAWHINEY: Super-speed, huh? Ha! Looks like he wasn’t fast enough -this- time! Maybe he should quit the hero biz and deliver pizzas!

DALE: Hey! That was mean!

LAWHINEY: Nobody’s ever accused -me- of being nice, honey.

CHIP: Certainly nobody here--not even Gadget.

Lawhiney ignores Chip and turns her attention back to the comic.

LAWHINEY: (reading) "She’s half rabbit, half rab-bot!" Well, I can see that, Mr. Golden DUH Winner!

CHIP: Wouldn’t that make her a cyborg?

DALE: There’s a reason he said that. Just keep reading.

LAWHINEY: (reading) "Are we mice or men?" Neither, blue guy! You’re a hedgehog, the purple dude is a walrus and he’s holding a rabbit; I’M the mouse, haole!

CHIP: I think the walrus agrees with you, Lawhiney.

DALE: Gee, Chip, don’t tell me -you’re- enjoying this, too.

CHIP: Who, me? Nah. I’m just pointing out how silly these things are.

S.B.: Huh, huh; yeah ,right dude.

DALE: Aw, c’mon, Chip! If it’s so silly, then how come ya keep sayin’ stuff about it?

CHIP: I can’t help it. Some of those lines practically beg to be riffed.

LAWHINEY: Could you keep it down? I’m trying to read part 2. "Glad you’re back boys...who’s your friend?" I guess Sally’s really glad to see them, ha, ha.

Lawhiney grins evilly.

S.B.(imitates an Orc from Warcraft): Meet my little friend!

CHIP: Don’t make Monterey Jack and me use the hose on you two!

DALE: Um, where -are- Monty and Zipper, anyway?

LAWHINEY: The kitchen--where else would they be?

DALE: Looking for cheese?

S.B. (imitates Homer Simpson): Mmmmmm, cheese!

LAWHINEY: Um, what gives? First it looks like the rabbit--er, robot, um, whatever--is out like a light, then she bounces out of the walrus’ arms and babbles a bunch of junk.

DALE: Call it a "rabbot" recovery.

CHIP: Ooog! Let’s -not-, okay?

LAWHINEY: Why would anyone call her "bugs" anyway? Before she told them not to call her that, I mean.

DALE: That’s a reference to a different bunny.

CHIP: They shouldn’t have bothered; -nobody- would mistake -her- for Bugs.

S.B.: Uh, uh; no way. She’s -much- cuter!

Lawhiney gives her so-called boyfriend a dirty look.

S.B.: Whoa! Hey! No! I didn’t mean it like -that-, babe!

LAWHINEY: I hope not--for your sake!

DALE: Aw, he didn’t mean anythin' by it. A lot of fans think she’s cute.

Lawhiney rolls her eyes and resumes reading.

LAWHINEY: Ha! The princess didn’t ask for a lift, but she got one anyway!

S.B.: Uh, would that count as a hare raising panel?

DALE: Hmm. A hare, raising a chair...yup, I think so.

CHIP: Please! No more puns! I don’t think I can take it anymore!

Lawhiney points at the next panel, in which Bunnie says, "You’re fast and cute! What’s your name, sugah?" and Sonic replies, "I think maybe you should put the princess down, first!"

LAWHINEY: Gee, what a funny name he has!

DALE: Gee, I think you’re trying to be cute. You failed.

CHIP: She’s flirting with Sonic--right in front of Princess Sally?! Awfully bold. Kinda reminds me of -you- in a way, Lawhiney.

DALE: Hey! Don’t insult Bunnie like that!

LAWHINEY: Hey! Wait a minute; -how- is that an insult?

CHIP: Don’t strain your brain thinking about it.

Lawhiney shrugs and her attention goes back to the issue of Sonic the Hedgehog.

LAWHINEY: (reading) "That’s Antoine C’Coolette..or as I call him, ‘the head windbag’." Why? Is this Antoine dude gaseous?

DALE: (laughs) Well, he -is- full of hot, smelly air.

S.B.: Somebody should tell him to lay off the super bean burritos.

CHIP: Will you guys cut out the fart humor?

DALE: No.

S.B.: Huh, huh! He said "cut".

CHIP: Oooh, a giant robot. (sarcastically) How original.

LAWHINEY: Hop to it, hero! Where’d that boingy thing come from anyway?

DALE: The video games.

LAWHINEY: So why is it in the comic?

DALE: That’s how they get back to the surface--uh, I guess.

LAWHINEY: Hmm. Does this hero have a habit of leaping before he looks?

DALE: Yup. It’s a good thing Bunnie grabbed him.

S.B. opens his mouth, as if to say something, but Chip looks at him and Lawhiney sternly.

CHIP: Don’t go there! She grabbed him by the -quills-!

LAWHINEY: (reading) "...watch my smoke!" Why? Does it do tricks?

DALE: No, but Sonic does.

CHIP: Is it just me, or did that sound bad?

S.B.: Uh, it’s just you, dude.

LAWHINEY: Oh, cool! The big ‘bot blasted the blue blur!

CHIP: Hrm. Not a bad bit of alliteration there.

S.B.: Uh, who’s littering there?

DALE: Well, actually -Bunnie- littered there.

He points to the fifth panel on that page, which shows the giant burrobot trashed & upside-down.

CHIP: Oh, brother!

LAWHINEY: (reading) "Nobody bashes blue boy when li’l ole Bunnie’s around!"

DALE: (mimicking Bunnie) Cuz that’s -mah- job, sugah!

Chip and Lawhiney look at the red-nosed chipmunk strangely. S.B. holds up all the "Mecha Madness" issues.

DALE: Read those. Then you -might- get it.

Lawhiney shrugs and goes back to the comic.

LAWHINEY: Oh, look! He’s chasing his tail!

CHIP: No, he’s digging a trench.

S.B.: Uh, how’s he doin’ that without a shovel?

DALE: The hard way.

LAWHINEY: Is that even remotely -possible-??

CHIP: This is a comic book, remember? Don’t expect it to make sense.

DALE: I wonder if Gadget would have a scientifical expanation for that.

CHIP: That’s "scientific explanation", Dale, and I’m not going to ask her for one.

LAWHINEY: Where is Gadget, anyway?

CHIP: In her workshop. She’ll probably be there all day.

LAWHINEY: Good! Got another issue of Sonic?

Dale gives her StH # 39 and the "Mecha Madness" special.

CHIP: Oh, brother!