Usenet is essentially a HUGE group of people passing notes in class. --R. Kadel
Computer science is two thirds hard work and 50% mathematics.
To whom the gods destroy, they first teach Windows.
We didn't have any sissy icons and mouses.
Back when we were programming, we used machine languages.
Coding in 1's and 0's. Sometimes we didn't even have 1's.
I once wrote a whole database program using only 0's.
You had 0's ? We had to use the letter O"
- Dilbert
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
If architects built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Windows:
32 bit graphical interface for a
16 bit patch for an
8 bit operating system written for a
4 bit processor by a
2 bit company that can't stand
1 bit of competition
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
Life's too short to use a slow modem!
"If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing."
Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
If voting could bring about change, it would become illegal.
The Second Amendment is the RESET button of the United States Constitution.
"Only in America can a homeless veteran sleep in a cardboard box while a
draft dodger sleeps in the White House. " - unknown
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
"When they came for the 2nd Amendment, I said nothing, for I owned no gun.
Then the sixth was next to go, and I remained silent, as I was not on trial.
They took away the fourth, and I said nothing, as I had nothing to hide.
And then they came for the First, and I could say nothing."
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Diapers and politicians need to be changed regularly, often for the same reason.
Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time."
"Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one." --Thomas Jefferson
If more government is the answer, it must have been a really stupid question.
Everyone has a photographic memory - some just don't have film!
You know how stupid the average person is?
Well, by definition, half are even dumber than that.
If children didn't ask questions, they would never learn how little adults know.
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head.
"There are three kinds of people:
Those who can count, and those who can't"
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain." - Friedrich von Schiller
Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear.
Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
"Wisdom is earned...not given."
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits." --Albert Einstein--
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." --Derek Bok--
"Iron rusts from disuse;
stagnant water loses its purity
and in cold water becomes frozen:
even so does inaction sap the vigour of the mind."
--Leonardo da Vinci--
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." -- Albert Einstein
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only one you have.
- Emile Chartier
If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?
"This is national Idiot Week, glad to see you participating."
Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
"The battle against ignorance is constant."
"There is no idea that is so good that you can't ruin it with a few well-placed idiots."
Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do. (Bertrand Russell)
I think, therefore I am... dangerous.
A wise man once said... I don't know.
"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad."
-- Aldous Huxley
"Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence."
"Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos."
"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil!"
I never learned from a man who agreed with me
-- Robert A. Heinlein
Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.
--Doug Larson
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
--William Clayton
Common sense isn't al that common.
"Everyone has a right to be stupid, some people just abuse the privilege."
"Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion.
Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one,
he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.
Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of its consequences....
If it end in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue
in the comfort and pleasantness you feel in its exercise and in the love of others
it will procure for you."
Thomas Jefferson
Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.
Black holes were created when God divided by zero.
Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.
God may have a last name but I'm sure it's not "Damn It"
God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.
In God We Trust - all others must show two forms of ID.
Irony: God gave the tortoise a drag factor of .03
Man created God in his own image.
Man invented alcohol; God invented pot. Who do you trust?
To the gods I am an ant, but to the ants, I am a god.
668: The neighbor of the beast.
God created man - Smith & Wesson made 'em equal.
God wrote all the books - we haven't heard Satan's side!
God's okay - it's his fan club that worries me.
I'll believe in God as soon as he smacks me in the head.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would be so born.
If more Christians read the Bible there'd be less of them.
Is Man one of God's blunders, or is God one of Man's?
Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind.
My mind is not for rent to any god or government. - Rush.
Pollytheism: The belief that God is a parrot.
Jesus could keep a party going all night on one six-pack.
Jesus to his followers: "You did WHAT in my name?!?"
"If god truly is watching us, then the least we can do is be entertaining." - Solomon
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke
"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"How do you play religious roulette?"
"You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first."
"All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few."
Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's?
--Friedrich Nietzsche
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
--Galileo Galilei
"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."
"Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car."
When the first living thing was created, I was there, waiting.
And when the last living thing shall perish, my job will be done.
I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights and
lock the universe behind me when I leave. -Death
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
They say that life's a carousel, spinning fast you gotta ride it well,
The world if full of kings and queens, blind your eyes and steal your dreams...
Black Sabbath - Heaven and Hell.
Life is sexually transmitted.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
There are only two times in life that everyone is equal... birth and death.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
The tiniest cough can be deadlier then the fiercest dragon.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
"When the last individual of a race of living things breathes no more,
another heaven and another earth must pass before such a one can be again."
-- William Beebe
Why is it: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy
Life...is like a box of chocolates.
A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for.
Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates.
So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap,
mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game.
Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee
but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting.
In the end, you're left with nothing but broken bits filled with
hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat
leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers.
-THOUGHTS OF THE SMOKING MAN - The X-Filles.
"Break the bones and the body will heal. Break the spirit and the body will die."
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.
We got just one shot of life, let's take it while we're still not afraid.
Because life is so brief and time is a thief when you're undecided.
And like a fistful of sand, it can slip right through your hands.
Rod Stewart - Young Turks
Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
"Adults are obsolete children."
"Death is a reward given at birth." -Dorothy Catalonia-
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
What do you mean my birth certificate expired?
I'll live forever. Or die trying.
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!
When you step up to the window of life
and it's time to place your order
if you don't know what you want
step aside
because there's people behind you that do.
- Bobby Gaylor
Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god.
--Jean Rostand
The trouble with experience as a teacher is that the test comes first and the lesson after.
I intend to live forever, so far, so good.
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh,
and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
"...if you see your enemy in the water up to his neck, you will do
well to push him under; but if he is only in it up to his knees, you
will do well to help him to the shore." -Machiavelli.
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and you have to blow your nose.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
Since vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians.
If you're falling off a cliff, you might as well try to fly: you've got nothing to lose.
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time."
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
The next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed you.
"Do unto others, then run..."
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
"Be free of prejudices. Hate everyone equally."
There is serenity in Chaos.
Seek ye the Eye of the Hurricane.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
If it isn't broken, let's take it apart and see why not.
"It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one."
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else, you are the one who gets burned."
"To change and to change for the better are two different things."
"If you know you are going to lose, do it with style."
"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience."
"Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think."
"If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup."
-Light a man a fire and he stays warm alll day; set a man on fire and he
stays warm the rest of his life.-
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Of all the things I ever lost, I miss my mind the most.
Why, he wondered, did so many people spend their lives not trying to find answers to questions -
not even thinking of questions, to begin with? Was there anything more exciting in life than finding answers?
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
No matter where you go, you're there.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
You can't run from trouble. There ain't no place that far.
"You've tried your best, and failed, miserably.
The lesson is: never try"
- Homer Simpson.
I have gone out to look for myself.
If I should return before I get back,
hold me until I get there.
"Lots of little synapses deep in his cerebral cortex all joined hands
and started dancing and singing nursery rhymes." - Douglas Adams.
There is a thin line between Sanity and Insanity...
and most of the time, I don't know which side I'm on!"
Faster than a tall building, larger than a speeding bullet, smarter than a locomotive.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would
take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And
you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip
off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. -Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I can complain because rosebushes have thorns ...
or rejoice because the thornbush has a rose.
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach,
you'll never drill for oil on a city street.
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks,
but there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiddin' at the bottom of a cracker jack box.
- Meatloaf "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"..
Experience is a wonderful thing...
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
No good deed goes unpunished.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
When the chips are down - the buffalo is empty.
The higher you build your barriers, the taller I become.
What is the difference between apathy and ignorance?
I don't know, and I don't care.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
"There is always hope - only because it's the one thing no one's figured out how to kill yet."
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
- Albert Einstein
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.
I'd rather be a Fool who believes in Dragons, than a King who believes in Nothing.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Light bulbs don't emit light, they suck darkness.
Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only one you have.
Emile Chartier
If you do not expect the unexpected you will not find it, for it is not to be reached by search or trail.
Heraclitus
A dream is something to look at while you are asleep.
Do I believe in ghosts? No, but I'm afraid of them.
Marquise du Deffand
She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan.
Dead clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell,
working out all the combat tables and everything.
I bet he used to really *swear* every time the dice caught fire..."
- Only You Can Save Mankind - Terry Prattchett
YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!!!
I can handle pain until it hurts.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Not all who wander are lost.
It is better to be pissed off, than to be pissed on.
"I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect."
Let the meek inherit the Earth, I want the stars!
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
Precinct toilet stolen - police have nothing to go on.
Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Secrecy is the enemy of Truth & Enlightenment.
I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine and lack of sleep and should not be held responsible for my behavior.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity. I have no problem with you talking to yourself, just as long as it doesn't turn into an argument.
"We do not stop playing because we are old. We get old because we stop playing."
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does "virgin wool" come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it?
Since we all move so slow, why is it called rush hour?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of it's nose.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they’re all stuck together?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn’t it be called a "near hit"?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How do you know it’s an ENDLESS LOOP?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
If cars could travel at the speed of light, what would happen when you turn on your headlights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Does steel wool come from metal sheep?
What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
The hokey pokey... What if that's really what it's all about?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them,
but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?