Sitchain--Gaelic for "state of peace"

 

SITCHAIN

I fell in love with you and you never knew.
   You were asleep at the time.
   We had quarreled earlier that day.  I had saved you from Tom Jennings 
   and things were supposed to be back to normal.
And you had made me angry anyway; getting out of bed, weak as water,
   saying you had important things to do.
   It hurt my pride; you couldn't wait to leave under your own power.
Yes, you had a good reason--to see Maggie--but you ALWAYS have a good reason for
   EVERYTHING...
   (I wonder what it would be like to play chess with you...)
 ...And I could tell that you were anxious to leave.
   I hadn't slept at all that night.  
   What if poor, mad Elizabeth hadn't followed you?
   A cure means so little when one is trapped in Hell.
Then...
   Finding you safe...
   Even until the end...
   I had been afraid to hope I HAD saved you.
   I've failed so many.
 ...
You weighed NOTHING in my arms.
   That was the most frightening things about it all. 
Julia Hoffman should be tall and rock-solid and staring
   Death down for approaching.
   (Just as you had approached me...)
How could you even thank me?  As often as you've saved my life...
   (You stared down TRASK to save me.)
   (You stared ME down to save me from myself.)
Blair and his insinuation charm.  What DID he know?
   And finding the coffin gone...
   I never slept that night.  Not one second.
It had been so CLOSE...
   And you couldn't wait to leave.
   But we didn't actually fight until I left Blair's house...
   (Joe was a puzzle...)
Back in the kitchen, you nursed endless cups of Willie's unspeakable
   coffee and stubbornly insisted there was more to Blair than I
   thought--barely looking up from the mug, holding it in two hands that
   were still cold and blue from bloodloss...
   You didn't have the strength to argue AND look at me.
And what if...
   ...you had nearly died from my Curse?
   What if I had been the cause of your attack?
You were INFURIATING.
   And to accuse me of hiding my thoughts!
   I didn't have to share every thought with you!
But I didn't, you said. 
   I didn't share ANYTHING unless I absolutely had to. 
   I had shields over my eyes00don't try to deny it, Barnabas, it's true.
And Willie, assembling dinner in the background, slipping those looks
   at both of us. 
   As far as he was concerned, we deserved each other's miserable company.
I lied.  I said I had to make a phone call but all I wanted to do was go outside.
   I don't even know how long I was gone, either.  
   Evening was approaching and I knew I had to go in.  
I was not protected; neither were you and it
   would be JUST like you to go back to Collinwood by yourself...
   Willie said you were in the library, "tying up loose ends."
   Easy enough to understand what happened.
You opened your notebook and began to write--your actions trying to
   drive sleep away...
   Your eyes were tired; they burned and you leaned your head down
   Promising to just rest them for a moment
   And falling deep asleep.
I was embarassed to see you that way, Julia.  I felt as if I'd caught you
   in a private moment.
   I barely recognized you.
   Asleep, you were as you had been last night.
   Vulnerable.
   And charming...your hair was tumbling over your face like a child's.
   Like Sarah's when she slept.
   I suppose all women are so.
   Unkempt and unguarded.
   The lines of worry were gone like they'd never existed.
   No haunted expression.
You'll be deeply embarrased at this, but your lips had never looked softer.
   And you were so small!
   What glamour do you throw over people's eyes when you are awake, to
   make them think you are anything but fragile!  
   Somehow you do.
You slapped Angelique and she did nothing!  Cowed?
   Or shaken by your nerve?
   Even Blair affords you respect behind his oily smile.
I resisted the temptation as long as I could.  
   Then touched your cheek with a fingertip.
   You slept on.
   Wherever you were, it was too deep for dreams.
 I fell in love with you then, Julia.
 But I didn't know it.
    I could only think of how my chest hurt when I looked at you.
    I picked up the pen that had fallen from your hand and put it back on the table.
   And as carefully as I could, carried you to Josette's Room.
I know that look!  
   You're remembering, no doubt, of waking up the next day
   and listening to me tell you in all seriousness that I'd forbidden you
   to leave for the night and giving you the bedroom...did you believe it?
Well.
It's gratifying to know I CAN lie convincingly sometimes!
   But I did have to lie.  I'm sory.  When I saw you there...
   I knew then, why you spoke to me of shielding.
   You shielded yourself too.  
   I had to respect that.
All right, we were BOTH idiots.  
   I quite agree.
    I'm just glad it didn't last, Julia.
    So very glad.



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