________Love Affair by Terry S. Bowers_______________

Looking up from the work before him at the sound of a gentle, precise knock on his study door, Roger Collins glanced at the clock on his desk. He sighed silently, then eased back in his chair.

"Come in."

The door opened and Barnabas Collins entered the room. 

"Good evening, Roger. Elizabeth said you wished to see me."

"Barnabas! Do come in. Have a seat. Would you care for a drink?"

"Yes, please. A brandy?"

Roger nodded and moved to pour them each a drink as Barnabas sat in one of the easy chairs near the fire. He watched his cousin, smiling when Roger turned and handed the brandy to him. Then Roger took the other easy chair. They sat in silence for several minutes, enjoying their drinks. Finally Roger met his cousin's gaze and sat forward slightly.

"Barnabas, I wonder if I might ask a favor of you."

"Of course, Roger. What is it?"

Roger took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"I, or rather a representative of Collins Enterprises, has been invited to participate in a weekend gathering at the home of Samuel Baker."

"I see."

"The opportunity to do business with Baker is one, I feel, we dare not pass up. However, the meeting is scheduled for the weekend I must be in Boston on business. Baker is rather old-fashioned about many things, including his belief that women do not have a place in the business world, which prevents my asking Liz to represent us."

"And you wondered if I would meet with Mr. Baker on behalf of Collins Enterprises." "Yes. Before you agree, Barnabas, I feel I must warn you that Baker is considered to be something of an eccentric. His estate is in the wilds of northern Maine, accessible only, I'm told, by motor boat across the lake, or via a primitive logging road. He has been known to invite guests for the weekend, then be unavailable to meet with them, making no explanations. You could be there as his only guest, or as one of many, and still not have the opportunity to speak with him all weekend. It is a long and difficult trip, and could be for nothing."

"However, establishing a sound business contact with Mr. Baker could be very beneficial for us."

"It could. In fact, if we are able to make arrangements with Baker, I believe we could establish a long term business relationship with him and turn a tidy profit for a good number of years to come."

"Then it seems as though I must accept the invitation, regardless of whatever drawbacks there may be."

Roger nodded, but he did not seem to relax. Barnabas watched him carefully.

"I had hoped you would feel that way, Barnabas. However, there is one other detail of which I feel you must be aware before you agree to accept Baker's invitation."

"What is that, Roger?"

"Baker insists that all of his business guests be accompanied by a companion. He may not want to deal with women in regards to business matters, but he enjoys their company and feels them to be a welcome... distraction from the more serious discussions these weekend retreats sometime entail."

Roger received the expected reaction from his cousin. Barnabas' eyes grew momentarily wide and he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Barnabas glanced down at his brandy.

"I see."

"I'm sorry, Barnabas. I didn't mean to drop it on you like that. And I have checked with others who have been invited to his estate for a weekend. The ladies are well treated, respected and Mr. Baker expects no special... favors from them in return for his hospitality. However, you can appreciate the dilemma this requirement presents, I expect." "Yes."

Barnabas glanced at his cousin as he sipped his brandy. Neither Roger, or Elizabeth, if Baker had even been willing to deal with a woman concerning business, were involved in any kind of relationship that would allow them to invite someone along on a weekend such as this.

 Reluctantly Barnabas realized that, of the three, he alone met all of Baker's requirements. He was a full, if silent partner in Collins Enterprises, he was male and he knew someone whom he could invite to accompany him on the weekend, if she were so inclined; Julia Hoffman.

Roger met Barnabas's speculative gaze.

"I do not mean to impose upon or to make assumptions regarding your friendship with the good doctor, but..."

"Yes, but... How soon must we reply to Mr. Baker's invitation?"

"As soon as possible; no later than the close of the business day on Tuesday."

Barnabas frowned. It was Sunday evening and he would not be seeing Julia until after noon on Tuesday. She was staying at Wyndecliffe until then. He supposed he could call her with this proposal, but hesitated to disturb her while she was there. And Barnabas felt this kind of question was better asked in person, so he could gauge her reactions. He shared these thoughts with Roger, who also frowned, but nodded his agreement.

"That's cutting it rather close, Barnabas, and I understand your hesitance. I suppose, if you are agreeable, should Julia not be able or willing to accompany you, Carolyn might serve as your companion, or Elizabeth for that matter."

Barnabas nodded reflectively, revealing nothing of what he was feeling. As fond as he was of his female cousins, he was uneasy with the thought of spending an entire weekend alone with them. Not because he didn't trust them, but because he felt he always had to be on guard around them, careful not to reveal something of which they knew nothing. When he was with Julia, he didn't have to be so guarded. They shared the same secrets, and long ago had fallen into a comfortable means of protecting those secrets. He could not, however, let Roger know this, so nodded and smiled.

"That would be a most enjoyable alternative, should Elizabeth or Carolyn be willing."

"Good, then I shall leave it to you to sort out with the ladies. Here is the letter of invitation and the number to phone with our response. I do thank you, Barnabas."

"How could I refuse, Roger. What benefits Collins Enterprises, befits the entire family."

Roger nodded his approval and the two men sat in contemplative silence while they finished their drinks. Barnabas was of two minds about inviting Julia. He was apprehensive from the point of view that if Baker disapproved of women in business, he might also disapprove of a professional woman, such as Julia. However, Barnabas was also anticipating the possibility of spending time alone with Julia, away from Collinwood, but it would all depend on Julia's answer. He would know that in less than forty eight hours.

Barnabas was waiting in the drawing room of Collinwood when she returned on Tuesday. He invited her to a late lunch on the terrace, and Julia accepted for two reasons. She had not eaten and was hungry, and she was curious as to what was on her friend's mind.

Mrs. Johnson had laid out a light lunch of seafood pasta salad, iced tea, and berries and cream for dessert. Julia wondered what Barnabas had to do to get Sarah Johnson to go to this trouble for him, but did not ask. Barnabas could be charmingly persuasive when he wanted to be. While they ate, Barnabas nervously outlined Roger's dilemma and request, and what details he knew of the weekend. Julia sat back in her chair, sipping her iced tea, secretly amused that Barnabas would be so uneasy asking her such a favor. She put her glass down as Barnabas continued.

"... suggested I ask Carolyn or Elizabeth to accompany me if you are unable to do so."

Barnabas said nothing more, but Julia could tell by the tone of his voice that he hoped it would not come to that. Barnabas Collins hoped for a weekend with her and not with one of his cousins. Slowly Julia nodded.

"It sounds interesting Barnabas, and I certainly have no objections to helping Roger, Elizabeth and you any way I can. Provided I'm able to clear my schedule at the hospital, I see no reason why I can't accompany you to Mr. Baker's estate."

Collins released the breath he'd unconsciously been holding and smiled, sitting forward to touch Julia's hand as it rested about her glass of iced tea.

"Thank you, Julia. Roger will be relieved - and grateful."

"Mmmm. Tell me more about Samuel Baker, Barnabas, aside from the fact he has attitudes toward women that are firmly rooted in the last century."

Collins chuckled, sat back in his chair, as did Julia, and began to relate what he knew about the eccentric business man.

When Barnabas called to accept Samuel Baker's invitation later that afternoon, he was told he would receive precise directions to the Baker rendezvous site, along with a weekend itinerary via registered mail on the Wednesday prior to the Friday of their arrival. The information would be sent to the Collins Enterprises business address, and Barnabas was expected to sign for the package himself. Any other signature would be unacceptable and cancel the weekend invitation. Barnabas said he understood and agreed to the requirements. When the mail arrived on Wednesday three weeks later, Barnabas dutifully signed for the registered packet from Samuel Baker.

That evening Barnabas and Julia studied the detailed information carefully as they sat beside the fireplace in the Old House drawing room. Julia shook her head, smiling with amusement.

"The man is very thorough, I must say. He's even included a list of wardrobe suggestions."

"I have a similar list, Julia. Mr. Baker seems to believe in being prepared for any eventuality."

Julia cocked her head as she studied Barnabas. She could easily make a preliminary diagnosis of Baker based on the information contained in the packets and Barnabas' dealings with him so far, but she refrained from expressing a professional opinion. Julia did not want to prejudice Barnabas or cloud his perception of the man. This weekend was to benefit Collins business interests and Julia decided she was going to relax and enjoy the retreat.

"It promises to be a very interesting weekend, Barnabas."

He nodded his agreement and returned to studying the enclosed road map.

Certain he had followed the directions precisely, Barnabas glanced at Julia when they pulled into a parking lot with what appeared to be a storage building off to the side. Julia studied the map and compared it to the printed directions, certain she had not made an error with her navigating instructions. Before they could decide what to do, another car pulled up beside them. A uniformed driver emerged and came around to the driver's side of the car. Barnabas rolled down the window, preparing to ask directions.

"Mr. Collins."

"Yes."

"Mr. Baker is expecting you. If you will permit me, I shall load your luggage into Mr. Baker's vehicle and take you and your companion the remainder of the journey to the estate. We will be crossing the lake by motorboat. You need not fear, your automobile will be safe and well cared for.

Barnabas glanced at Julia, then nodded.

"Yes, thank you."

He gave the keys to the driver, who took them and unlocked the trunk. While he transferred their two cases to the other car, Barnabas got out, went around and opened the door for Julia. She stepped out and waited beside Barnabas while the transfer of luggage was completed.

"Sir, Mam'e."

The driver opened the back door of Baker's car and held it while Barnabas and Julia got in. He bent low to speak to them.

"I shall be only a moment, sir."

The man closed the door. Baker's guests watched while the driver got into Barnabas' car, started it, and drove it toward the storage shed. He got out, raised the large metal door, got back into the car and drove it into what appeared to be a well protected garage. The door closed and in a moment the driver was back. He got in, started the car, and left the parking lot. Barnabas and Julia exchanged amused glances, then sat back and enjoyed the ride.

One of Baker's household staff led Barnabas and Julia down an upstairs hallway. He stopped before a wooden door, opened it and bowed slightly.

"Dinner is served at 8:00, with drinks an hour earlier in the drawing room. Please, enjoy your stay. My name is Walter. If there is anything you require, please do not hesitate to ask."

Barnabas smiled, nodded his thanks, and allowed Julia to enter first. He followed and the door was closed behind them. It was then Barnabas and Julia realized they had been shown to a double room rather than two singles. There was one large double bed, one bath, and both suitcases were in the middle of the floor, awaiting attention.

"There seems to have been some mistake, Julia. Just a moment..."

Barnabas returned to the hallway door and opened it. He stepped out, looking both ways down the corridor, but there was no sign of Walter or any staff other member. He sighed and went back inside.

"He's already gone, Julia."

"I wonder why they put us in one room? You did make it clear we weren't... Barnabas?" His face reflected his uneasiness and he swallowed before answering.

"Actually, Julia, sleeping accommodations never mentioned. Perhaps they just assumed we were..."

Julia couldn't help but chuckle, both at the situation and Barnabas' obvious uneasiness. He frowned for a moment.

"I shall go find one of the staff and..."

"Barnabas,... don't. Didn't Roger say Mr. Baker's hospitality was a little... unconventional? This may be a simple misunderstanding, or it may be Mr. Baker has a reason for it, perhaps... testing your ability to adapt to unexpected situations. We don't want to jeopardize the very reason you are here by offending him."

"Julia...?"

Barnabas' expression told Julia he wasn't quite sure of what she was saying.

"Barnabas, after all we've been through, if we can't share a bed for a weekend, our relationship isn't worth much, is it?"

Collins studied his friend for a long moment, then nodded once.

"You are right, Julia. There is no need to offend or embarrass our host by calling attention to an error. We'll manage."

Julia smiled, then looked about the room more carefully. It was decorated in light greens, yellows and tans to emphasize the northern forest which surrounded the estate. It was a comfortable room, a cozy room, and certainly large enough for two people to share.

"The view is lovely."

Barnabas had moved to the window and moved the sheer curtains aside. The room overlooked the formal gardens and a hedge maze. Julia joined him at the window and smiled appreciatively. "I'm glad I brought several medical journals along. It will be lovely reading out there while you meet with Mr. Baker."

Barnabas met her gaze, then turned back to the room.

"Shall we see to the unpacking?"

Julia nodded and joined Barnabas as he lifted each case onto the cushioned bench at the foot of the bed.

Barnabas and Julia were just finishing their pre-dinner drinks when the staff member who had shown them to their room, Walter, arrived to escort them to the dining room. Barnabas helped Julia with her chair then took his seat opposite her. Aside from Walter and the serving staff, they were the only people in the room. Walter bowed slightly at the waist and met Collins' gaze. "Mr. Baker asked me to inform you he will be unable to join you for dinner. He wishes you an enjoyable meal, and if business matters permit, he will join you later this evening."

"Thank you, Walter."

The man bowed again, then signalled to the staff to begin serving the meal.

It was nearing 11:00 when Walter entered the library to find the weekend guests each engrossed in a book. He closed the door behind him quietly, and smiled when Mr. Collins, then his companion, looked up at the sound.

"Mr. Collins, Mr. Baker regrets he will be unable to join you this evening as he'd hoped. He sends his apologies, as well as an invitation to avail yourselves of all the comforts his home has to offer."

"Thank you, Walter. We appreciate Mr, Baker is a very busy man."

"Yes, sir. May I get you anything?"

Barnabas glanced at Julia, who shook her head slightly, then he glanced back at Walter.

"No, thank you. I believe I shall turn in."

"Very good, Mr. Collins. Doctor Hoffman?"

"Nothing for me either, thank you."

Walter bowed, wished them both a pleasant evening, then left the library. Barnabas placed the collection of Nineteenth century essays he'd been reading on the table beside his chair. Julia did likewise with the early post-colonial medical text she'd been studying, wishing she'd had access to such information when she'd first started treating Barnabas. It helped to explain why he'd been so mistrustful of several long accepted procedures she had employed.

"An early evening does sound appealing, Barnabas."

"Indeed. Shall we?"

They both stood and left the library, making their way up to their room. Julia allowed Barnabas to use the bathroom first, and when she joined him under the covers, she gave him a tired smile. Barnabas turned on his side to study Julia, careful not to invade her personal space. He was not completely at ease sharing the bed with her, but agreed with her logic and reasons for not requesting separate rooms.

"Are you certain you are comfortable with this arrangement, Julia? I would not be adverse to sleeping elsewhere."

Julia studied Barnabas a moment, knowing she could ask that he sleep in a chair or on the floor. He would do so, and probably feel more at ease with the situation. However, that would be too easy, would let him 'off the hook', and Julia wasn't sure she wanted to do that. She shook her head against the pillow and smiled.

"I told you before, Barnabas, this will be fine. You need to be well rested when you see Mr. Baker tomorrow and talk business. You won't be if you sleep anywhere but in the bed."

Barnabas yawned, then reluctantly agreed. Julia reached to turn off the lamp, turning on her side as she settled under the covers.

"Goodnight, Julia."

"Sleep well, Barnabas."

Silence settled over them and within only a few minutes Barnabas could tell by Julia's breathing pattern that she slept. He was not to be so lucky, and remained awake for some time, staring into the shadows of the room.

He lay beside Julia, listening to her even, gentle breathing as she slept, and Barnabas' mind, his memories, turned to the only other woman with whom he had shared a bed, Angelique. He had lain beside her, listening to her sleep, many a night after they'd made passionate love. Their affair had been intense, tempestuous, passionate, gratifying, ill-fated from the beginning, and ultimately doomed. What had started as an affair of lust became one of hatred, revenge and death. Still very passionate, but now destructively so. Because of Angelique, Barnabas never had the opportunity to share a bed with Josette, the woman he loved. His curse prevented him from sharing a bed with others whom he had loved and lost. Nearly two hundred years later, he was again sharing a bed with a woman who had changed his life. Julia helped him regain not only his human state, but his humanity. She helped him move beyond the evil, cruel creature of darkness he'd become back to a man who dared to love again.

Barnabas studied Julia in the darkness, and chuckled softly to himself, savoring the irony of it all. His affair with Julia was the exact opposite of his affair with Angelique. It startled him a little to think of his relationship with Julia in terms of an affair, but it was. They started out wary and mistrustful of each other, cautious and uncertain, unwilling to give more than to take. But time, and circumstances, caused them to change, to trust one another, to care for one another, to love one another. At times, his arguments with Julia brought to mind his parents; long married and used to each other's tactics. It was true that when he and Julia argued and disagreed, it was not as bitter or hurtful to each other as his parents had sometimes been, but that... familiarity of an old married couple was there and could not be ignored. Barnabas suspected Julia was aware of this as well, although she never mentioned it.

They did love one another. Barnabas had no reason to doubt that. Their friendship had survived any number of trials and tests, they had done things for one another that could not be explained or reasoned away as acts of nothing more than friendship. It was love for one another that had driven them to those actions; that had caused them to put the other's life first, so their friendship, so their affair could continue. The only thing missing from his affair with Julia was the physical closeness and sexual intimacy. Perhaps that was the reason they had not betrayed one another; perhaps that was the reason they were still together - the possibility of their affair becoming a sexual one as well as one of love.

Turning on his side so he could see Julia more fully, watch her as she too slept on her side, Barnabas carefully reached over and placed a finger along her cheek, studying the face he knew so well. What would happen if he allowed himself to love Julia, to want her as he had wanted all those he'd claimed to have loved in the past? Would the introduction of sex into their affair weaken their relationship, or strengthen it? This love affair was so unlike the one he'd had with Angelique that Barnabas had to hope for the latter; had to believe that were he and Julia to become sexually intimate, they would grow closer, more devoted, more loyal to one another. They would love each other more.

Barnabas sighed and allowed his finger to gently caress Julia's cheek, until it came to her chin and he pulled his hand back to rest on the sheet. Would Julia want their relationship to change? Did she have secret hopes, buried deeply inside her heart, of spending their nights together in the embrace of lovers rather than in the search for supernatural explanations? He didn't know. It was something they had never discussed; something they had ignored and never allowed to surface. Would Julia welcome a change in their love affair? That too he did not know. Barnabas yawned and felt himself begin to grow sleepy. He closed his eyes and as he drifted off to sleep, he briefly wondered about those with whom Julia might have shared a bed.

* * * * *

Julia sat in the garden, reading one of the medical journals she had brought along for the weekend. The article was on surgery techniques that Julia realized would have been helpful during the Adam and Eve fiasco. She doubted the advanced surgical techniques would have changed the outcome of that chapter any, so put those thoughts aside and allowed herself to absorb the knowledge for future use rather than what might have been.

Hearing footsteps on the gravel path that led between the beds of assorted flowers and shrubs, Julia glanced up and smiled as Barnabas neared. His presence in the garden let her know his planned meeting with their host had been postponed.

"Barnabas?"

"Mr. Baker received an emergency long distance phone call. He asked my forgiveness and suggested I avail myself of the beauties of the garden."

Julia nodded as she glanced around, appreciating the fine array of flowers. "It is a lovely garden, Barnabas, and a lovely day."

"Indeed."

He sat in the lounge chair next to Julia, his gaze distant, taking in the dense forest in the near distance as well as the beauty of the garden all around him. Julia had gone back to her reading and Barnabas took the opportunity to study her closely without being obvious or making her aware of his observation. With her head bent slightly over her reading, the sunlight highlighting her hair, giving it the color of maple leaves just as they turn from red to yellow in the fall, Barnabas had to smile to himself, counting Julia among the beauties of the garden. He wondered a moment if that's what Baker had truly meant, then dismissed the thought as irrelevant.

But was it an irrelevant thought in light of his musing the night before when he'd not been able to fall asleep right away? He'd never really taken the time to appreciate Julia's effect on him as a woman, just as he'd never realized what their relationship truly was until the night before. Collins had to admit Julia was an attractive woman; delicate yet strong. She was not a striking beauty as Josette and Angelique had been, and as he studied her, Barnabas began to see similarities in looks between Julia and Roxanne, not the least of which was the same color hair cut in much the same, short, no fuss style. In all the time he had known Julia, Barnabas had never seen her truly fuss with her appearance. Even when they were in the past, she made her hair style and clothing as simple as possible while still conforming to the fashions of the time. On the other hand, there had never really been any reason for Julia to take exceptional pains with her appearance. There was no one around who would have taken more than a passing notice, himself especially. Barnabas shook his head, knowing Julia was not the kind of woman who would spend hours giving minute attention to every detail of her hair and make-up even if he were to notice and comment on it. She had other ways to spend her time.

Sensing Julia had come to the end of the article when she flipped back through several pages, then put the journal down on her lap, Barnabas glanced away for a moment. Perhaps now was the time to ask Julia some of the things he had been contemplating.

"Julia, may I ask you something?"

She met his gaze, suddenly curious. His expression was one of apprehension and hope. "Of course, Barnabas."

He hesitated a moment, glanced down at his hands, then looked up and met Julia's gaze again.

"Julia... have you ever been in love?"

Her eyes grew wide and Julia looked away quickly. She took a deep breath and raised her hand to the base of her throat. Barnabas suddenly realized how hurtful that question was. He rose and moved to sit beside her on the lounge chair, reaching for her hand as it clutched the spine of the medical journal.

"Julia, please forgive me. I did not mean... I am sorry, I phrased that question badly. I should have asked if you had ever been in love before, when you were... before we met."

Julia relaxed slightly, finally daring to look at Barnabas as he sat beside her. That was the closest he had ever come to acknowledging her feelings for him, even though they had been a part of their relationship for a very, very long time.

"Why do you want to know, Barnabas? Why this sudden interest in my past?"

Her voice was tinged with bitterness and hurt she was trying not to unleash. Barnabas met her gaze steadily, even though he wanted to look away, to retreat behind the comfortable wall they had erected between them regarding this aspect of their lives. He wanted to keep the feelings that he knew were reflected in his eyes from Julia, even though he knew he no longer could. "I know so little about you, Julia, and I have no one to blame for that but myself. You know... almost everything there is to know about me, about my past, about my life, but I know... almost nothing about you, since we met as well as before that. The sharing that is part of friendship has been very one sided, because I insisted it be so. I would like to... equalize things if we can, if you are willing."

Julia shook her head slowly, studying Barnabas' face, his gaze carefully. She saw nothing but genuine interest reflected there, a true desire on his part to actually get to know her. There was something else reflected in his gaze, something Julia had not seen before and could not quite identify. Did he have another reason, some other motive for suddenly wanting to know more about her? Julia felt a rush of guilt at the thought, but couldn't quite dismiss it. Defenses she had developed early in her relationship with Barnabas were suddenly once more active. Julia returned Barnabas' gaze steadily.

"That doesn't tell me why you suddenly want to know these things now, after years of apathy and detachment."

Barnabas pulled his hand away from Julia's, his eyes narrowing. He was trying to understand her caution and suspicion. He had certainly given her adequate cause to harbor them in the past, but he'd thought - hoped - they were beyond that point. Did he dare share with Julia the conclusion he'd reached the night before? Would that serve to show her his interest was genuine, or only cause her to be more suspicious?

Although Barnabas' reaction to her demand was subtle, Julia nevertheless knew he was weighing his options, trying to decide how best to respond so that she would answer his question. She'd long since grown used to being manipulated by Barnabas in this way, and she usually allowed it because it was easier than arguing with him. Not this time. Julia was determined to guard her privacy as adamantly as Barnabas had always shown no interest in it whatsoever, at least until he could give her a satisfactory answer. She was very curious as to what that answer might be. Barnabas watched as a steely determination entered Julia's gaze, settled in her expression. He had to be totally honest with her.

"I was unable to fall asleep immediately last night, Julia. As I lay there... watching you, I realized that you and I have been involved in a love affair for a very long time."

Julia's eyes grew wide and she choked back an incredulous laugh.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I admit the term does not apply to us in the usual sense; we have not been having a physically intimate relationship, but rather one of... friendship, loyalty, and devotion that have all grown into love."

Julia was silent, still unable to completely believe Barnabas had used that term to describe their relationship. Her expression prompted him to continue.

"Once I admitted to myself that what we have shared is an affair, I began to reflect on the more traditional love affair I had with Angelique. I realized that, apart from her, you were - are - the only woman with whom I have shared a bed in all these long years - traditionally or otherwise. Reluctantly I admit that realization made me curious about your past; about those with whom yo may have shared a bed in the more traditional sense of the euphemism."

Julia studied Barnabas, her expression softening slightly. She had to admit that, although not applied in the usual sense, 'love affair' was descriptive of their relationship. They often acted like a couple who had been together for years. Their life style reflected that of a couple long married in every way but sexually. Julia knew they had both done things for each other, to keep each other safe and alive that could not be explained or justified by friendship alone. Their relationship went beyond the extent of friendship and became love. Their relationship was an affair of love. And now Barnabas wanted to know more about her. Julia felt her defenses weakening, her suspicions fading. Barnabas had been honest with her, she could do no less with him, and she certainly didn't want to discourage his newfound interest in her life.

"Very well, Barnabas. Yes, I've been in love before and yes, I've shared a bed with a man - other than you - in the traditional sense of the euphemism." 

Barnabas nodded. He was not truly surprised, nor was he disappointed. He just accepted it as fact, as Julia had done when hearing of his long ago affair with Angelique.

"May I ask why..."

"Why we didn't stay together, why we didn't marry?"

"Yes.

Julia's eyes clouded over with a long ago hurt. She glanced down at her hands, bit her bottom lip slightly, then smiled sadly.

"He was an exchange student, here on a full scholarship at the same university where I attended medical school. Some of his family came over to see him graduate with honors and receive his Master's degree. His wife and two sons were among those family members who came. I decided there wasn't much future for us after that."

She swallowed down an old anger and hurt, then looked up to meet Barnabas' gaze. He shook his head in sympathy.

"Betrayal by one you love is the hardest of all endings to accept. Almost as difficult as having your love for someone ignored."

Julia's gaze cut to Barnabas, amazed he would even broach what had always been a taboo subject. He met her gaze steadily, not trying to look away or change the subject quickly. "...Yes. The former is an ending, while the latter..."

"Allows you to keep hoping."

Julia just nodded. She didn't know where this conversation was going and didn't trust herself to say anything more. Years of pretending her feelings for Barnabas mattered to no one but herself were not easy to overcome. She didn't know what to say for fear it would be the wrong thing, or frighten Barnabas off.

He nodded, studying Julia carefully. There was still hope in her eyes; it had always been there if he'd just taken the pains to notice. Then he shook his head, a rather perplexed look crossing his face.

"Why have you stayed, Julia? I know your career has suffered."

"A little, perhaps, for awhile. My professional life is back on track."

Barnabas could feel Julia begin to retreat, to hide behind the safe topics they had silently agreed upon over time, such as her career or the innumerable supernatural events they had fought in recent years. Slowly Barnabas reached out to grasp Julia's hand again. He met her gaze and held it.

"Tell me why you have stayed, Julia."

"You know very well why, Barnabas. There was always something with which you needed my help in some way."

"That is the excuse we were comfortable with and both accepted; what is the reason?" Julia glared at Barnabas, pulled her hand away and stood, walking away from him to stand by the edge of the garden. She would have gone further but for the short hedge defining the boundaries. Collins just watched her, waiting patiently for her answer.

"You know the reason as well as I do, Barnabas. You alluded to it moments ago." Julia spun to face Barnabas, her eyes narrowed, her voice calm, but demanding of an answer. "Why did you invite me on this weekend, Barnabas?"

"Because Mr. Baker..."

"That's the excuse, Barnabas, what's the reason?"

He stood, uncomfortable with having the tables turned on him, but accepting Julia's right to ask. He studied her defiant, challenging glare for a moment, then took a deep breath.

"I asked you to be my companion this weekend, Julia, because... I wanted to spend time alone with you, away from Collinwood and all the distractions it can represent. Business concerns aside, I hoped we might... come to know one another better. I was not willing to admit that to myself until just now, perhaps I did not fully realize it until moments ago."

Julia moved back toward Barnabas, stopping when they were still several paces apart, the lounge chair between them.

"Hope, Barnabas. Hope is the reason I stayed, hope that someday, by some miracle, you would... at least acknowledge what I feel for you even if you can never return those same feelings for me."

Barnabas shook his head, walked around the end of the lounge chair and closed the remaining distance between himself and Julia. He gently took her hands and met her gaze.

"And I have hoped that... I would never have to experience life without you in it, Julia. You have been a very important part of my life for so very long that... I would be extremely lost and lonely without you. The few times you were nearly taken from me, I..."

Collins trailed off, glancing down as if it were too uncomfortable and painful for him to think about. Julia smiled and placed a hand on his cheek.

"I know, Barnabas. I could see it in your eyes even if you couldn't say it or even admit it. And that helped fuel my feelings of hope."

He met her gaze again, studying the unfathomable love and devotion for him that - he realized now - had always been reflected in her eyes, outshining the hope he'd seen there moments earlier.

"It was not until very recently that... the hope I lost when I was cursed was kindled again, fueled again. It was not until you entered my life and helped me to see I did not have to dwell on the past that I was able to allow that hope to grow. And during all of that, I..."

Julia shook her head, smiling gently.

"Don't Barnabas. No recriminations, no 'I should have's or 'if only's. Take what we have, what we share now, and build on it."

Barnabas stepped even closer, his hand reaching out to touch Julia's face, to caress the skin of her cheek and neck.

"You are unlike anyone I have ever known, Julia."

"How bored and complacent you would be if I weren't unique."

A gentle smile touched the corners of Barnabas' mouth as his gaze once more locked with Julia's. Again he saw the unalterable devotion, loyalty and love she had for him reflected in her eyes. He realized at that moment he'd always been able to see it there, always known it was there for his taking, but that he'd been unable to acknowledge and accept it. Why he did not know.

Barnabas reached for Julia's hand and held it gently with his own, studying her reactions, the increased hope that was reflected in her expression. She trusted him completely, trusted him to not hurt her or pull away from her again; trusted him to take a step forward rather than backward. He took a deep breath, uncertain of what to say, trusting he would say the right thing, for he did not want to hurt Julia further. Julia spoke before he could.

"Barnabas, you have admitted your feelings for me have grown from platonic friendship into love."

"Yes."

"Then I must know one thing... I know you love me, but... are you in love with me?"

Barnabas felt his heart leap into his throat and his eyes grow wide with surprise. He should have expected this question from Julia, and had hoped it would not come so quickly. Yet he could not fault Julia for asking. He had been the cause of so much hurt and pain for her in the past, she had every right to ask, to protect herself.

"I... Julia, I... I do not know. All this is so new to me, my realization of the... truth of our relationship so fresh that I have not had a chance to consider all the possibilities."

Julia nodded and stepped away, pulling her hand from Barnabas' grasp again. He felt his heart sink when she broke contact and moved away from him.

"I see. Nothing has changed. You love me as a friend, as a companion, but nothing more." She nodded her head thoughtfully, considering the possibilities and options. Then she raised her gaze to meet Barnabas', a firm look of determination and resolve on her face.

"As your friend, Barnabas, may I give you some advise?"

Barnabas studied Julia a moment, uncertain if he wanted to hear the advise she had for him, at the same time certain he needed to hear it. He glanced down at his hands a moment, then looked back up at Julia.

"Yes."

"I suggest you find some way to be sure, and very soon, because I'm about out of hope. I can't continue like this, wondering if I might - someday - have a future with you. I need to know where we stand, if this 'love affair' has the potential for a life long commitment, or if we are destined to be nothing more than platonic friends. If you wish to look on this as an ultimatum, Barnabas, please do. Your conclusion will decide if I continue to be the important part of your life that you claim I am, or if we remain simply friends and I continue my life on that basis. I've kept myself in limbo for too long, Barnabas. It is time to make a change, and as always, the choice is yours. Excuse me."

Julia picked up her medical journal from the seat of the lounge chair and pushed past Barnabas to leave the garden. He mutely watched her go, damning himself for his inability to make a commitment to her. Julia was by far the best person to ever enter his life. He couldn't imagine - didn't want to imagine - being without her. And that admission provided him with the answer to Julia's question. He saw her pause at the entrance to the garden, and Barnabas knew if he let her leave, he would have lost all chance with her.

"Julia! Wait!!"

He hurried toward her, catching up with her as she was about to enter the house.

"Julia, please wait."

Collins reached out to gently touch her arm, to grasp her hand. He faced Julia but she would not look at him, and he realized there were tears on her cheeks. Tears he had caused to fall.

"Julia, please, stay."

"Why?"

"So I can answer your question, so I can tell you that... if being unable - unwilling - to imagine my life without you as a part of it is being in love with you then, yes, I am in love with you... I have been for a very long time. I just could not see it."

Julia swallowed hard and finally looked up to meet Barnabas' gaze. She bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. Barnabas stepped closer and drew Julia into his embrace. He saw the question in her eyes and shook his head at his own shortsightedness.

"Watching you walk away from me, knowing it could be a prelude to permanence because of my own recalcitrance, I knew I could not let that happen. No one has ever been as good for me - or as good to me - as you have been, Julia. I am the better for knowing you, for having you in my life, and the loss I would feel if you were to leave... would be more devastating than anything I have experienced before. Yes, Julia, I am in love with you. I realize that now, just as last night I recognized our unconventional love affair."

Again Julia swallowed hard, studying Barnabas' gaze. She had always been able to see the truth reflected in his eyes, even when he tried to hide it from her. His words might say one thing, but his eyes always told her what was truly in his heart. His heart and his words were in agreement. Julia pressed her lips together as she tried to keep her tears back.

"The last thing I want is to be away from you, to not be a part of your life or to not have you in my life."

"Then don't allow it to happen, Julia. Stay with me, always."

"Always, Barnabas? We know that isn't possible."

"Don't be so practical, Julia. Allow your heart to rule your head, allow me to love you in my old fashioned, romantic, impractical way."

Julia smiled, almost shyly.

"I would like that very much, Barnabas."

He too smiled, tightened his embrace of Julia and pulled her to him for a long, ardent kiss. When they parted, Barnabas held Julia close, his mouth near her ear.

"I love you with all my heart, Julia."

"And I love you, Barnabas."

Although he'd been aware of Julia's feelings for a very long time, hearing her admit it to him, with no fear of reproach or rejection, sent a thrill through Barnabas such as he'd never before experienced. He smiled, knowing with everything he was that this was right. He'd waited decades - centuries - for this moment, and knew he would feel like this for the rest of his life, so long as Julia was with him.

Smiling into Barnabas' shoulder, Julia pulled back and met his gaze. Her eyes sparkled with a happiness and lightness that Barnabas had never seen there before, knowing he was the reason for it. He liked it, he liked seeing Julia this happy and resolved to do his very best to see that expression in her eyes every time she looked at him.

"Barnabas, tonight, when we share the bed... will it be in the more... traditional sense of the euphemism?"

Collins' gaze grew tender and his hand came up to caress Julia's cheek.

"Only if you want it to be, Julia. I will do nothing until you are ready."

The sultry smile Julia gave Barnabas told him she was ready, and they would be getting little sleep that night. Their non-traditional love affair was about to become very traditional.

Across the length of the garden, Walter looked up from his chores in time to see Mr. Collins kiss and embrace Doctor Hoffman in a manner that suggested a long, intimate acquaintance that was becoming re-kindled with the spark of deep and intense love. He smiled and returned to his duties.

* * * * *

Barnabas and Julia returned to Collinwood mid-evening the next day. Roger, who had returned from his business trip to Boston less than an hour earlier, and anxious to hear how the meeting with Baker had gone, ushered Barnabas into his study. He closed the door, offered his cousin a drink, and faced Barnabas with barely contained curiosity.

"So, Barnabas, tell me, how did you get on with Baker?"

"Quite well, Roger. We were unable to meet until this morning, due to his demanding schedule. He is a firm but fair man. We reached a tentative agreement in regards to several business matters, and shook hands on the deal with several witnesses present, including Julia. To Mr. Baker, a handshake between respectable, responsible business men is better than an iron clad signed contract. Mr. Baker is also a reasonable man and accepts that I must discuss the arrangements with you before the final, written contract is drawn up and signed. Here is an outline of what we discussed. Any changes - within reason - will be acceptable to Mr. Baker. I'm to call him on Wednesday of this week to finalize details."

Barnabas handed Roger a set of folded pages. Collins opened them and scanned the contents, nodding affirmative to most every item he read. Coming to the end of the last page, Roger looked up at his cousin with admiration.

"For the most part, this looks excellent, Barnabas. You can't know how much I appreciate your having gone in my stead."

"It was my pleasure, Roger."

"How did Julia enjoy the weekend?"

"I believe she had a most relaxing time. As I wasn't able to meet with Mr. Baker until today, Julia and I spent the time reading, walking in the garden, talking."

Barnabas smiled quietly, a smile that was not lost on Roger.

"So, you had the chance to spend some time alone with Julia, away from all the distractions here at home."

"Yes, we quite enjoyed the opportunity, Roger."

"I'm pleased to hear it. Julia Hoffman is a remarkable woman."

"Yes, she is, in many ways. If you will excuse me now, Roger..."

"Of course. I'm sure you're tired, would like to unpack and get some rest. Thank you again, Barnabas."

The Collins men stood. Roger shook Barnabas' hand, then Barnabas left, bidding his cousin goodnight.

While Barnabas met with Roger in the study, Julia had gone to her room to unpack. Then she re-packed a small overnight bag. She was waiting for Barnabas on the terrace. Hearing his approach, Julia smiled and turned toward him, the happiness in her eyes, on her face, once again telling Barnabas this was right. He stepped close and grasped her hand with his. Julia nodded and together they turned, left the terrace and headed toward the Old House. Nearly a year would pass before they married, but during that year, they more than made up for lost time. Their love affair continued long after their marriage. 

* * * * * * * * * * 

Terry S. Bowers
 April 12, 2000