Transparent

by Terry S. Bowers
June 20, 2000

Keeping a tight reign on her emotions, Julia Hoffman stepped forward, toward the drawing room doors. She would have to pass Barnabas Collins on her way out. Not only pass him, but be close enough to him to hear his exhaled breath, smell his cologne, brush his shoulder, all things that had once brought her pleasure but now could prove to be more than she could face. She would do it however, because she couldn't stand to be in the same room with him any longer. She couldn't stand to watch what was happening to him, to see the changes in him since he came back from the past, to see the... hatred and mistrust in his eyes when he looked at her with an expression that sent chills up her spine.

Julia met Barnabas' gaze briefly, her external coldness and calm the exact opposite of what she felt inside. She was not about to let Barnabas see any of that, however, and she glanced down as if in contempt, then walked past him. She paused briefly when he turned his head in her direction and spoke her name.

"Julia..."

She steeled herself as she paused, grateful she had her gloves in her hands. Holding them prevented her from slapping him, or strangling him or... something. Julia swallowed quickly, knowing when she spoke her voice would be deeper than usual from anger and hurt.

"Do we really have anything to say to one another?"

Julia didn't give Barnabas a chance to reply, or bait her or insult her. She continued forward, across the foyer and climbed the stairs. She held her back straight, her shoulders squared. She knew Barnabas was watching her and didn't care. She didn't care. The only way she could stand to deal with Barnabas right now was with anger and hostility.

Walking slowly and steadily, Julia headed for the door at the end of the hallway. She opened it and passed through, closing the door behind her. Julia took one step forward and could go no further. Suddenly all the emotions she'd been holding in check overwhelmed her. She released a deep sob and leaned against the wall, tears pooling in her eyes and spilling over to course down her cheeks.

Fumbling in her packet, then her hand bag for a tissue, Julia shook her head. She had promised herself she would not do this, she would not allow Barnabas to push her this far. She should have known better. At least Barnabas hadn't seen her cry. It would only give him additional ammunition, additional ways to insult her, put her down and hurt her. She didn't understand his need - his drive - to push her away, to alienate her, to be so... vindictive. She'd done nothing to prompt this behavior...

"Julia...?"

She pulled in a deep, startled breath and looked up, finding Carolyn standing beside her, tissue held out for her. Julia smiled weakly, accepted the tissue and dried her eyes, then blew her nose. Julia nodded as Carolyn placed her hand on Julia's shoulder and stepped slightly closer.

"Julia, what's wrong? Can you tell me?"

Hoffman took a deep breath and slowly shook her head.

"I'd... rather not discuss it, Carolyn."

"It's Barnabas, isn't it? I hate to see you like this, Julia. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, thank you, but... I have to work this out for myself."

"I don't understand any of this, Julia. You and Barnabas have always been so close and now..."

Julia nodded, feeling the tears threaten again.

"I don't understand it either, Carolyn,."

"Julia, I know this is none of my business, but..."

Julia felt herself flush slightly in reaction to the look on Carolyn's face. She knew what people thought; she heard the whispers when her back was turned; she knew many believed the rumors that circulated. Julia knew many believed she and Barnabas were having a wild, torrid love affair; knew they used that as a way to explain why she spent so much time in his company, so much time at the Old House, so many nights away from her bed at Collinwood. Julia could not deny she and Barnabas were treating each other as if they'd had a nasty and very hurtful 'lover's quarrel'. It certainly felt that way to her. In many ways it would be easier to understand if that was indeed what happened, but it wasn't. There had been no domestic argument at all. She really didn't know what happened except for an abrupt cessation of a friendship she had thought - hoped - would endure for years.

"Carolyn..."

"You seem so hurt, so... lost, Julia. This is more than a disagreement between two people who are... extremely close, isn't it?"

Julia smiled sadly, appreciating Carolyn's use of euphemism and saving her the need to deny a love affair between herself and Barnabas. Then she shook her head and looked past Carolyn's shoulder, down the length of the hallway.

"I don't know what it is, Carolyn."

"I want to help, Julia, if I can."

Julia reached out and placed a hand on Carolyn's arm, smiling sadly.

"Thank you, Carolyn, I appreciate that."

This time Carolyn nodded and smiled weakly.

"It will give me something to do, other than worry about my father."

"How is he?"

"Resting, upset,... terrified."

Julia's mind flashed back to Paul Stoddard's earlier reaction to Barnabas when they were all three in the drawing room, believing what little Stoddard had been able to tell her, and instinctively knowing that whatever was causing Barnabas to treat her as he was, also played a role in the conspiracy Stoddard was certain existed. Julia gave Carolyn's arm a gentle squeeze.

"We'll figure this out, Carolyn. I don't know how, but we will."

"I hope so, Julia. I hate seeing him like that... And I meant what I said. I want to help if I can. You and Barnabas belong together, you should be together, not... What the two of you share is precious and rare."

"It was..."

"No, Julia, don't give up. You can't. You'll work it out, I know you will."

She gave Julia an encouraging smile, then excused herself, continuing through the door and down the stairs. Julia leaned against the wall again? Was she really that transparent? Could everyone in the entire world see the way she felt about Barnabas? Everyone but Barnabas? Julia no longer knew. Everything was suddenly so difficult and hurtful and contrary.

Julia took a deep breath and pulled herself up straight, starting down the hall toward her room again. All she knew for certain was that underneath all the hurt and anger and hostility, she still loved Barnabas Collins. She always would. Julia didn't care how transparent she was in that regard. She loved him and she didn't want to stop, no matter how difficult Barnabas tried to make it for her to continue to love him.

Inside her room, Julia closed the door, placing her purse and gloves on the desk. She took a deep breath, her bottom lip pressed tightly against the top one.
"I may hate you right now, Barnabas, but I also love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I always will. You cannot push me away and this is far from over. I promise you that."

The determination in Julia's eyes, on her face, was something with which Barnabas was extremely familiar. Had he seen it, he would have known she meant every word.

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