Friendship

By Terry S. Bowers
 June 30, 2000

He values our friendship. It's nice to know, finally, and especially after the... bitterness and distance of recent weeks. This is the first - the only - sign of the Barnabas Collins I know and care about so much that I have seen since his return from 1897. He still refuses to let me help, to allow me to become involved with whatever is happening, even though he knows I am involved. He knows I am trying to figure out what is going on, to understand.

Barnabas told me to not try and understand. The look in his eyes when he met mine, openly, for the first time in weeks was... part panic, part pleading, part fear... That look told me more than Barnabas realizes, more than he wants me to know. He doesn't want me involved, doesn't want me to understand because he's afraid - for me, of what may happen if I do understand. But why? What has Barnabas become involved in that could make him afraid for me,... for my life? Does he know that something is threatening me, that I am endangered by something? Then why won't he tell me? Why won't he share this with me so I can guard myself against whatever it is?

That reluctance to share with me worries me as much or more than his refusal to confide in me. What does Barnabas fear so much that he cannot tell me about it, or perhaps... will not tell me about it? Is he trying to protect me, to keep me from harm in some way? If so, that only adds to my confusion and need to understand. Never before has Barnabas tried so hard to keep things from me. He has always relented, eventually told me what I wanted to know, what I needed to know in order to help him. Could my knowledge and understanding now endanger me further? Is that why he's so... protective of this knowledge? Or is he protective of me? I don't understand and I need to... I have to believe Barnabas will tell me what is going on; I have to believe that he will realize he needs me, needs my help, wants my help in spite of whatever danger he perceives me to be in, and will share with me that which he has been protecting; tell me what he is involved with and what I can do to help. I have to hope it will be soon.

I will understand, and Barnabas knows this. He knows I will not let it alone as he asks, as he has begged me to do and I believe he is counting on that. Weeks ago, when he was constantly opposing me and told me I was a terrible detective, I think he was counting on my stubbornness and determination to prove him wrong. Even though he won't admit it - yet - he does want my help, has all along, but he is still afraid for me... That fear tells me a great deal about how Barnabas really feels, tells, me - allows me - to look at his actions, his attitudes, his treatment of me in past weeks in an entirely new way. Whether consciously or not, Barnabas was deliberately trying to push me away, to make me so angry and hurt that I would... cease to be his friend, cease to want anything more to do with him. That very thought sends my stomach into a roil. Barnabas would risk angering me so deeply, so completely that I would sever our friendship, just so he could protect me. That's not something I ever expected from him, and again I must ask why. From what does he want - need - to protect me?

I can feel the walls he's put around himself beginning to crumble, the barriers he's placed between us beginning to weaken. I saw it in his eyes when I told him he needed a friend now more than ever, and I was prepared - willing - to be that friend. His gaze, his posture, his whole manner toward me softened a bit. He wanted to reach out to me, to confide in me, to re- establish the lines of communication we have both valued for so long, to accept my friendship and my help, but something prevented him. I could see him struggle briefly and in a way, the Barnabas Collins I know was victorious. He did not lash out verbally, try to hurt or anger me as he has been wont to do recently. Instead he appealed to my friendship. He asked me to trust him. I don't think he's ever asked that of me before, although he knows I do trust him, as he trusts me. That mutual trust was hard won and a long time in coming, but once established, it is something we will share forever, just as we will share our friendship forever.

For a moment, however, I did doubt Barnabas' trust in me; I questioned why he won't tell me what he so desperately needs to share, what he so obviously needs outside help - my help - with. That doubt was pushed away when I again saw the fear in his eyes; not for himself or what will happen to him, but for me, for what will happen to me, for my life. I have no doubt that he is protecting not only me, but my life...

Do I dare read more into that than simply friendship? My heart tells me yes, my head, my logic tells me no. Barnabas is protecting me because I am a friend, a valuable asset, a trusted and reliable ally. Nothing more. But my heart... Barnabas has tried to protect me before, from Adam, from Blair, from Tom Jennings, from Angelique, from Count Petofi, and now... from whatever this is, but never with such fierceness or by using such extremes... Is it because this is worse than anything we have ever had to face before, or is it because of feelings other than friendship on his part?

No, I cannot get sidetracked by such thoughts. My heart will just have to accept what my head is telling it. Barnabas is doing this because of our friendship, and yet earlier today, when I told him I had to be concerned about the people I loved, about Carolyn, about him, the expression on his face, in his eyes was so tender, so startled. It was if he had never before realized how I feel about him and certainly never expected me to tell him. Was I only imagining it? He again begged me to stay out of it, to leave it alone, warning me that 'it', whatever 'it' is, may be far worse than I can imagine... He's still trying to protect me, out of friendship, but is it because of something more? And if it is, can Barnabas really give it the thought and consideration it deserves? No, not now I think. Perhaps someday it will be more, but not just yet. Now he needs a friend, desperately, and I will be that friends, whether he likes it or not. I think he does like it, but can't admit it for some reason. He is being forced to act this way not only to protect me, and Carolyn, but so many others as well.

I am Barnabas' friend, and always will be. Somehow, together, we will work this out and I hope Barnabas will be able to share with me that which is making him fear for my life, for everyone. He is a man afraid, he can't hide that from me any more than he can hide the fact he still cares and values our friendship, despite the way he has been acting, the things he has been forced to do in order to protect me. I need to know what those things are, I want to know, and together we will be able to overcome it, just as we always do - together.

It feels good to know our friendship is still intact. Barnabas and I have many roads to mend, many apologies to make, many things to forgive before our friendship is back to where it used to be, but it will happen, we will get there. That's what friends do for each other. I think we both forgot that for a time, allowed it to become clouded and hidden by what has been happening, by what was being forced between us to keep us apart. But knowing that, understanding Barnabas' reasons for his behavior makes things so much more clear. We will get through this. I am more determined now than before, because I am Barnabas' friend. ??