Responsibility

Terry S. Bowers
June 30, 2000

How many more of these must I attend, now that 'he' is an adult, now that he can no longer be controlled? Too many I fear. His killing Paul Stoddard was foolish and impulsive; his disregard for the ways and rituals as outlined in The Book are reckless and dangerous. Had he stopped with Stoddard, we could have handled it, we could have controlled the situation so suspicion could be turned away from us, but his killing of Sheriff Davenport has established a pattern, has alerted the authorities to a set of like circumstances. Perhaps Julia is right, perhaps the time has come for me to do something about all of this. But what? No human can combat this alone, if they were even to believe me and not think me insane.

Julia would believe me. She already suspects - something, although I do not believe she realizes what she is looking for, or can comprehend how... incredibly dangerous this is. Julia would believe me, but I dare not tell her anything. Should Jeb learn I have taken her into my confidence, without making her one of us, after I defied his orders, as Michael, to kill her, he would not hesitate to do so himself. I will not allow that, I will not allow him to kill Julia or to harm her in any way. I will not attend Julia's funeral as well.

Julia. I expected her to be here. She is close to both Carolyn and Elizabeth. She did all she could to help Paul Stoddard, unaware of those who were working against her - against him - to keep his knowledge and suspicions safe. There she is, coming across the cemetery now. She looks troubled, worried, puzzled... afraid. No doubt she was called to examine the sheriff's body, as she had already seen Stoddard's body and knew what to look for. I must keep Jeb from learning of her involvement in even a limited way.

Slowly, carefully, respectfully Julia makes her way to the graveside. She meets Carolyn's gaze, sending her strength and support and understanding with just a look. She looks at Elizabeth as well, then shifts her gaze in my direction. I raise my eyes to meet hers and our gazes connect. I feel some of what I used to feel when with her, I can sense our ability to silently communicate returning. I suppose it was never really gone, just... blocked, inhibited by the control the Levithians had over me. I am as guilty of that as they. I did everything I could to push her away, to drive Julia from my life. I told myself it was because I did not have the time to deal with her, did not wish to answer her prying questions and probing inquiries, but now, as I am more able to think for myself, I realize that some part of me was deliberately trying to keep her at a distance, to keep her un-involved and as safe as possible; and I was doing it the only way I could while being controlled by the Levithians.

My gaze holds Julia's - or perhaps hers holds mine, and I nod once, understanding her need to speak with me privately. The minister says the final prayer for Paul Stoddard and I feel a chill run up my spine as Carolyn's grief increases, her sobs come more frequently. I cannot deny that I am - ultimately - responsible for her sorrow and loss. It was I who brought the Naga box from the past and I who began all of this, for my own, selfish reasons. Those reasons no longer seem as important, therefore it is I who must find a way to stop it all, to at least try to stop it, somehow, some way. It is my responsibility.

The minister is finished and Julia steps closer to Carolyn, offering her support and condolences. Julia holds her, comforts her, speaks softly to her and Carolyn nods, meeting Julia's gaze, the sorrow in her eyes just a little less acute and sharp. Julia speaks to Carolyn again, then to Elizabeth. Finally she makes her way toward me, pausing briefly to exchange a few words with Roger. My friendship with Julia is still strained, but we are slowly repairing the damage that was done, that I was forced to do. When Julia speaks to me, her voice is hushed but strained, reflecting anger and fear. She has examined the sheriff's body and needs to talk with me. She asks to see me and I agree, telling her I will speak with her later, at Collinwood. I meet her gaze again, trying to let her know I am in need of a friend, the one she offered to be for me several days ago. Julia nods once, then turns and leaves the cemetery.

Carefully I watch Julia Hoffman walk away as I walk over to Carolyn and Elizabeth, to offer my own words of comfort and condolence. I feel Elizabeth watching Julia as well, and I assure her Julia is no threat; that she still knows nothing. But I know it will not be so for much longer. I know Julia was right and I need to do something - anything - to stop this if I can. As much as it frightens me, I know I need help to do this; to avert this ending of the world as we know it, and I know Julia is the only one who can help me.

Forgive me, Julia. Forgive me for what I am about to do, for the way I am about to further endanger your life and diminish my own limited abilities to protect you. Forgive my treatment of you in recent weeks, and forgive all the pain and hurt and anger I caused you. It was all because I do care about you, because I wanted to keep you safe and from harm,... because I do know you love me, and I value that love. I hope you will understand I do what I now must because Jeb must be stopped, because there can be no more killing. I want to attend no more funerals, but most of all I do not want to attend your funeral, dear Julia. Yet I fear I will if I am still alive, if you and I cannot find some way to end this before it goes any further... But I must find a way. It is my responsibility.

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