Together

Terry S. Bowers
July 16, 2000

How I have wished, almost prayed, that I would never have to endure this existence again; never have to experience the nightly loathing of what I am, what I am forced to do; the daily fear and panic at the possibility of being discovered as I lay helplessly - dead - in my coffin. Only months ago, as you were striving to return me to a fully human existence while in 1897, struggling to break the bloodlust and the drive to injure others I endure to survive, I fervently hoped it would be the last time we assumed these roles, those of doctor and patient. That wish is not to be granted, Julia, for once again I find myself your patient; find you to be my physician. These are roles which brought us into each others lives, and while I welcome your presence in my life, I had hoped the reason for it was permanently behind us. I never wished to go back.

Perhaps we have not gone back, for things are so different this time, Julia. The trust, the friendship we struggled so long to establish is already in place, and as recent events have demonstrated, unbreakable. Weakened and shaken for a time, because of my own weakness, my own desperation to regain that which I can not regain, but still intact; stronger even for what was done.

The determination, anger and fear in your voice as you inform me you will start the injections again tells me so much, Julia; tells me that if anything, we are closer now than we have ever been, more devoted to one another than ever before. What the Leviathans had hoped would destroy what we share, has instead strengthened us, and our roles in each others lives. I know you are determined not to let Jeb win, not to let this Leviathan punishment control me for long. You are angry at what they have done - to me, to the other converts; angry about what they plan for Carolyn and the entire human race. But the fear Julia... is not of me, or of what I am. I do not think you ever feared me or my curse, although you did fear what I might have done to you so long ago. I do not like to think what I was capable of then, or that I would have killed you, or worse, without a moment's hesitation. I nearly did , on several occasions, but now... Now, I can and will let nothing harm you and know I am incapable of harming you myself. The fear is for me, and what I must endure until you are successful in breaking this hideous curse.

It is all so very different, Julia. I do not mean the vampirism, for I fear that will always be the same, but my feelings for you. They have changed so much, even from just months ago. My thoughts are of you, of avenging the way the Leviathans made me harm you and tried to force you from my life. I would give... so much to have not behaved toward you as I did, but I had no choice. I could only obey the Leviathan orders, without question, knowing they would harm Josette if I did not obey. Josette was never their hostage, I know that now. Michael's orders to kill you caused me to open my eyes, to question what they were doing and to realize I could so easily lose someone who was very dear to me, who was still alive and who, until my association with the Leviathans, was a part of my daily life. I wanted no harm to come to Josette, but I wanted no harm to befall you either, Julia. And I will find some way to avenge the way they made me harm you; the way I was forced to hurt you in a manner... I did not realize I could.

Now, with my eyes open, as we again take on the roles of doctor and patient, I realize there is so much more to our relationship, Julia. I see your fear, your anguish at what has been done to me. I see your determination to help me, as a friend who is a doctor rather than as simply a doctor treating a rare and fascinating case. I also see other things; things I never noticed before, or did not allow myself to notice. I see your exhaustion, physically and emotionally and I find myself worrying about you, concerned that you take care of yourself as well, no longer wanting, or even expecting that you spend all your time pursuing my cure. I feel myself being drawn to you; the comfort and care you offer, the warmth and contentment I feel when I see your face or hear your voice, in ways I never have before. The happiness and optimism in your eyes, in your smile when I told you I would avenge the way they made me harm you caused me to feel something I never had before... something I can not name yet, but understand I share with you alone.

You cannot know the relief and happiness and gratitude I felt when you so determinedly told me you would be staying with me during the days. It was a reaction to knowing that you would be there with me, not because you are my only source of protection, but because it would be you in the house with me. We must get Willie Loomis back to guard me during the days, yes, but it will not be the same, Julia. His protection does not please me and comfort me as does yours, as much as knowing you are upstairs, guarding me. I do not fully understand all these new feelings I am experiencing, Julia, but I will not struggle against them as I once might have. You are a part of my life, we are together, and that I happily accept.

I feel the dawn coming, I have so little time now. I dread returning to this coffin, even for one night, but somehow the knowledge is easier to bear and accept, knowing that you are upstairs, watching over me; knowing you will be there to greet me this night when I am again able to function. I realized earlier that we are each other destinies, you and I, Julia, and the events of this night have served to strengthen that belief. We will find a way to overcome this, Julia, and we will do it together because things are so different from last time; we are so different.

I thank you for everything, Julia; what you have done, what you are doing now and what you will do in the days and nights to come. Neither of us can know what those future actions may be, but I do know... we will never again harm one another. Jeb will soon learn that, individually, we are formidable enemies to him, but together... together we are truly relentless, and that he has made the greatest mistake of his existence this night. Together we will find a way to defeat him, Julia, we will find his inhuman vulnerability. Together, for I know that I can never be without you. Perhaps, someday, I will have the opportunity, the need, the nerve to tell you.

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