Infidelity

Terry S. Bowers
July 30, 2000

His needs almost consuming him, Barnabas Collins stood at the window of the Old House drawing room, focusing his concentration. He knew he should try to resist, try to do something else - anything else, but he could not. He needed blood, he needed her...

"Megan, I need you. Come to me."

The moment Barnabas issued the summons he wished he hadn't. He wanted to retract it, to tell Megan to stay where she was, but he could not. He did not have the inner strength to resist, or to send her away. Perhaps Megan could prove useful in another way this night. Perhaps she could help him learn if Jeb Hawkes had discovered that Chris Jennings was the werewolf. According to the note Julia had left for him earlier, Chris had been missing for nearly twenty four hours... Yes, Megan could help him gather information about Chris. He would resist and send her away before he could take from her again.

Knowing Megan had responded and was on her way to him, Barnabas turned from the window and moved back to the center of the drawing room. Why did he do this? Why did he give in to the blood lust instead of telling Julia about it? The injections she was giving him should have dulled, almost eliminated his need for blood, but they had not. Julia should know about it, she should be aware the serum was not affecting him as it had before. Barnabas was the only one who could tell her, yet he hesitated to do so. Why?

Collins shook his head as he glanced down at his hands. He held them at waist height and nervously rubbed the fingers of one hand over the fingers of the other, then reversed the pattern. He knew why he did not tell Julia, because by keeping this information from her, by taking blood, by going to someone else for that blood without her knowledge, he felt as if he were being unfaithful to her. It was a rather odd sensation, to be thinking of his relationship with Julia in such a way, and yet... Julia was the single most important person in his life. As a doctor he knew she would be concerned and strive to discover what was wrong, why the serum was not working as it should. On a more personal level, Barnabas knew she would feel hurt and betrayed because he had not trusted her, had not confided in her and gone behind her back, as it were, and not told her of this... aberration in her treatments of him.

Barnabas tried to soothe his conscience by reminding himself that, at first, he had not realized what was wrong. He had not recognized the need for blood until it was upon him and he unable to do anything to resist. He had attacked Megan and assuaged his needs without thought, driven only by instinct. Afterward... he should have told Julia right away, but he had already begun to feel unfaithful to her and to the mutual, hard won trust that was the basis of their relationship. Julia would have understood, would have forgiven him, as she always did, but that would not ease his own guilt feelings.

Barnabas would not delude himself. This... infidelity was not something he could keep from Julia for very long. She would discover it, and he could already hear the hurt, the pain that would tinge her voice. She would try to keep her personal emotions in control and maintain a professional detachment, but it would not work. They would both know it went so much deeper than their very unique doctor-patient relationship.

He did not want to do anything that might endanger his... union with Julia, yet Barnabas wondered if someday he might not do something that would ultimately push Julia to the point where she could no longer overlook his actions, could not forgive him, and cause her to leave him. Barnabas did not like to even contemplate the possibility and shook off the dread he felt. He could no longer envision his life without Julia as a part of it, yet he continually did things that stretched and tested and jeopardized that very relationship he so desperately wanted to maintain.

Barnabas knew, without a doubt, that he needed to tell Julia of his need for blood, just as certainly as he knew he would not until she figured it out and confronted him with it. Too much time had passed and he was about to hide from her another indiscretion. He was a fool and he knew it, but he could not help it.

Once, long ago, Julia had offered Barnabas her blood to slow and reverse the aging process he'd endured when he had not listened to her wise advise and forced her to increase the dosage to a dangerous level. He had been touched - and startled - by her offer, but refused it on the possibility he might one day need her medical services again, and she would be unable to function as such if she were under his control. He needed Julia's medical services, her skills and knowledge now, but he was deliberately preventing her from helping him by his reluctance to be completely honest with her about his need for blood.

Sighing, Barnabas shook his head, knowing he would not resolve this on his own. Julia would eventually find out, and all he could do was hope she would - once again - forgive him, hope she would overlook his inability to confide in her about this, and turn her concerns to his welfare. He had to hope this would not be the time he pushed her too far and he lost her, for then he too would be lost.

Sensing Megan near, Barnabas turned his focus on her, pushing away the overwhelming feelings of infidelity. For just this night, he would keep his meeting with Megan a secret.
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