Believe

by Terry S. Bowers

September 24, 2000

Just as dusk was beginning to settle, Julia Hoffman made her nightly trek to the parallel time room in order to send Barnabas her mental message. She could easily have sent the message to him from anywhere, at any time after dusk, but this was her one indulgence for herself. By going to the parallel time room to let Barnabas know, through the mental link created when he barely tasted of her blood, Julia hoped she would finally hear something about him, or even better, see him. So far that had not happened, but she was not going to give up trying, she was not going to give up hoping. She had to believe that Barnabas would come back to that room when she was there, watching.

Julia stood by the door, watching as the inhabitants of parallel time lived their lives, unaware of the existence of the other time stream in which she lived; unaware they were being watched, each word carefully digested in the hopes one of them - any of them - would mention Barnabas. It was not to be this evening, just as it had not been for so many in the past.

Closing her eyes, Julia concentrated on touching Barnabas through their link, on sending him her simple message: Barnabas, come home. Turning slowly, Julia began her way back to the main wing of Collinwood. She'd gone no more than a few yards when she saw the light from another flashlight approaching. Standing still, Julia waited until the glare of the light abated and she was able to see Carolyn standing beside her in the dusty hallway.

"Good evening, Carolyn."

"Hello, Julia. Have you been to the parallel time room?"

"Yes, I have."

"Is it far?"

"Not really. It's just down the hallway."

"Oh. Which room?"

"Haven't you been there yet?"

"No. Uncle Roger has been going on about it so, that I decided I'd better see it for myself so he'll stop talking about it, trying to get me interested in it."

Julia nodded and glanced over her shoulder. Roger seemed to be obsessed with the parallel time room, and when he wasn't outside watching the events in parallel time, he was telling everyone else in the household about them.

"I'll be happy to show you the room."

"You were on your way out."

"I don't mind."

Carolyn nodded and the two women made their way to the room. Julia hoped the mild mannered, and she thought somewhat ineffectual Cyrus Longworth, who looked so much like Carolyn's late husband, Jeb Hawkes, wasn't there. She didn't think Carolyn was ready to see his physical duplicate, event though Longworth's personality was so totally different from that of the former Leviathan savior.

Julia gently placed her hand on Carolyn's arm and nodded toward the brightly lit and smartly decorated room. Carolyn slowed slightly, her eyes going wide when she saw the boy she knew as her cousin David call Quentin 'father'. She watched in fascination as several other members of the household interacted with Quentin and Daniel Collins. Carolyn glanced at Julia, who watched the action with a detached, far away look in her eyes; as if she were watching a movie she'd seen many times and her attention had wandered.

"Is this the parallel time in which Barnabas is trapped?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can they hear us, Julia, or see us?"

"I don't think so, Carolyn, at least not while we can see or hear them. They may be able to see this band of time when their's is closed to us, but I've heard no discussion concerning it."

Again Carolyn nodded slowly and walked to the far side of the doorway, trying to see further into the room.

"Uncle Roger said we all have a counterpart in parallel time. Have.... you seen me?"

"Yes, Carolyn, I have, but not for some time."

"What am I like?"

Julia studied Carolyn closely, uncertain if she should answer her. She finally decided she would, for Carolyn would see herself sooner or later.

"I haven't seen her very often, Carolyn but... her name is Carolyn Loomis. She's married to Will Loomis, who is an author in that time band. They live at Loomis House - the Old House from what I understand."

"Are they happy?"

"They may have been, once, but don't seem to be very happy now. From what I could tell, Carolyn Loomis may have a drinking problem."

Carolyn just looked at Julia, not really reacting. This was the longest conversation, and least hostile exchange she'd had with the young widow since Jeb's death. The fact it was about people they could never meet, could never know, did not matter. Julia suspected Carolyn was building to something and was content to let her get there in her own way.

"Oh... Julia, have you seen... is... is Jeb alive in that time?"

Julia took a deep breath and glanced into the room for a long moment, then crossed her arms over her chest and looked down. Finally she again met Carolyn Hawkes' gaze.

"There is a man who bears a physical resemblance to Jeb, but that is where the likeness ends."

"What do you mean?"

"The man's name is Cyrus Longworth. He's a scientist. I have only seen him once, but he seems to be a very mild mannered, ineffectual, rather... boring individual."

"Do he and the other me know each other?"

"I'm sorry Carolyn, I don't know that."

Again Carolyn nodded, studied the occupants of the room a moment longer, then turned away.

"What about Barnabas?"

"I'm not sure I understand what you're asking, Carolyn."

"Does he have a counterpart in parallel time? Is he all right in parallel time? That's why you come here so often, isn't it. To check on him, to be sure he's unharmed. Does he talk to you, even though he may not be able to see you? Does he tell you what's happening?"

Julia turned away, unwilling to let Carolyn see the pain and distress her questions caused. Julia knew it wasn't intentional on Carolyn's part; and she was pleased to see Carolyn taking an interest in something - anything. It was the first sign she was beginning to adjust to Jeb's death. Julia swallowed hard and brought her hand up to rest at the base of her throat, briefly touching the spot on her neck where Barnabas' fangs had broken her skin.

"Julia?"

"No, Barnabas' counterpart in parallel time died some time ago. I haven't seen my... our Barnabas in parallel time since the night he was trapped there."

"What?"

Julia smiled weakly as she glanced at Carolyn and shrugged her shoulders.

"Barnabas hasn't been back to this room since he's been gone. I come each night, hoping for some news of him, or to see him but so far there has been no mention of him at all."

"Why? Has something happened to him?"

"I don't know, Carolyn. I wish I did. Knowing - one way or the other - would be so much easier than just... waiting and hoping. My heart tells me he is safe, just unable to come here for some unknown reason, but my head... I try not to think about it."

"Julia, I'm sorry."

"There's no need to be, Carolyn."

"How... how do you deal with it? How do you keep your heart in control of your head?"

"Sometimes I don't. I just have to trust - and believe - he's all right and will let me know when he can, when he's able."

Julia wished she could let Carolyn know the truth, that she knew Barnabas was all right because of the vampire link they shared, but that just wasn't possible. It was rather ironic that, in truth, Julia's head knew Barnabas was all right, but her heart was the one she had to keep in control.

Carolyn shook her head and paced away from the door. She looked down at her wedding ring and caressed it tenderly, then looked back at Julia, tears brimming in her eyes.

"I... I don't understand how you can do it, Julia, how you can keep hoping and not give in to your fear and worry. It must be so hard for you, to keep hoping when... there is nothing to tell you what happened to Barnabas. How do you know he isn't... gone forever?"

"I don't know that, Carolyn, but also won't let myself believe it until I have some proof."

Julia suspected Carolyn was getting very close to what she wanted - needed - to talk about and the fact is was becoming personally painful to Julia could not matter. Carolyn's well being was far more important than Julia's own fears and worries just then.

"I... couldn't do it, Julia... I know Jeb is gone. I saw him die and I still just can't... How do I get through each day, knowing he will never come back to me? How do you get through each day, knowing Barnabas is... there and... Tell me how to do it, Julia. I don't know!"

"Everyone deals with grief and loss differently, Carolyn. Don't think there is anything wrong or odd about the way you react. Don't believe anyone who tells you that you should be 'over it' after a specific amount of time has passed. It takes time - a long time, and only you can know how long it will be."

"I can still hear his voice, Julia, still feel his hands on my skin as he caressed me, feel his breath as we kissed..."

Carolyn released a deep sob and brought her hands up to cover her mouth, shaking her head.

"Sometimes I wish I had gone over Widow's Hill with him!..."

Her tears began to flow down her face and Julia stepped closer, enfolding Carolyn in a comforting embrace. She pushed the young woman's long blond hair back from her shoulder and just held her while Carolyn cried. When her sobs eased, Julia knew Carolyn was ready for the question she now had to ask her.

"Do you wish you had gone with him all the time?"

"No... Sometimes, when I think of Jeb, I'm happy. Oh, Julia, I'm so confused. I don't know what to do."

"Give it time, Carolyn. Just accept the way you feel. Talk to someone you trust, perhaps a friend, or someone who has experienced a similar loss."

Carolyn raised her head and met Julia's gaze as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"Could I... could I talk to you, Julia?"

"Yes, you could, Carolyn."

"I don't mean as a doctor, but... as a friend? I said some terrible things to you the... the night Jeb died. I haven't been very nice to you since then either."

"I know you didn't mean what you said, Carolyn. Barnabas and I both disagreed with Jeb on many issues, but we know you loved him and he made you happy. That's what is important."

"Thank you, Julia."

Julia just smiled and nodded. Carolyn studied her a long moment, the swallowed.

"You love Barnabas very much, don't you?"

Julia didn't answer, but her gaze darted back to the parallel time room, then away. She nodded once.

"He'll be back, Julia. Somehow you'll find a way to bring him back, or he'll find a way to come back. He'd be a fool not to come back to you."

Julia just swallowed down the lump in her throat, blinked back a tear and silently agreed with Carolyn. Then she smiled sadly.

"Carolyn, I think we both need to get away from this house for awhile. Let's get in the car, and go somewhere for dinner - my treat."

"Oh yes! Mrs. Johnson is fixing beef stew for dinner and somehow it always tastes like she forgot the beef."

Julia chuckled as she and Carolyn made their way back to the inhabited wing of Collinwood. She glanced over her shoulder briefly, once more imploring Barnabas to come home, and promising him she would be back the next night. She believed he could, somehow, across the barriers that separated them, sense her through their link and know she wanted him to be with her, no matter what dangers his vampire needs created. They would work things out - some way.