Don't forget to breathe - A Sentinel Story

by DannyD

'He must have forgotten rule number one,' Jim Ellison thought angrily when the loud noise -whatever it was - almost made him jump out of his bed. His heart was beating like a blacksmith's hammer on a piece of iron. One minute he was dreaming of a beautiful day at the lakeside, a beautiful woman, a cool beer <and no sight of Sandburg he added>, and the next second a thunderous roar from downstairs made him jump out of bed.

Jim forced himself to stay calm. He counted to ten, took a deep breath and got out of bed. He didn't bother to put his robe on and while he was looking for his shoes he glanced at his alarm clock. It was 4.30 a.m., and the damn day hadn't even started yet. What was Sandburg doing up so early? Or was he just coming home from a hot date?

"Sorry, Jim," he heard Sandburg's voice from downstairs. His roommate and, occasional, friend knew what he had done seconds ago. Houserule number one said, no toilet flushing after 10 p.m. and absolutely NO loud noises any time after midnight til six o'clock in the morning, no matter what. Sandburg hadn't risen his voice. He knew that Jim would have heard him miles away. Sometimes they would make fun of it from what distance Ellison would still be able to hear him but right now Sandburg wished he'd never met him, because he knew what was coming now. Earthquake Ellison was about to teach him a lesson about houserules and being so kind as to let him stay at his place and so on and so on. But hey, he could live with that. He would listen to him, apologize nothing like that would ever happen again and end of story. Couldn't he just hit him so that he - Sandburg - would be allowed to sleep through the whole day? Please, Jim, hit me! he begged, when he heard his friend coming downstairs.

Ellison took every step carefully and slow. Sandburg should know that he was mad at him.

Blair Sandburg was standing in the kitchen, defenseless, hoping that it would be quick and painless. He tried a smile when he watched his friend approaching.

"I'm so sorry, Jim. I just wanted to make some toast... and the damn toaster dropped onto the floor... I... I didn't mean to wake you. Really, man. I.... am....", he seemed to look for an eloquent apology..."I'm very sorry. I am," he said finally and looked up at Jim with those big innocent blue eyes. Jim said nothing at first. He wanted to make him sweat a little longer. Silence. Then he looked around and shook his head in disbelief. Sandburg must have mistaken his loft for his office at the university because there were books, books, books everywhere. On the living-room table, on the couch, the kitchen table was covered with papers and Blair's laptop computer was lying on the floor. What the hell....? Jim took a deep breath again. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. "Listen, Sandburg, I'm tired. As a matter of fact, I am very tired! Actually, I am too tired to listen to your phony excuses for messing the place up...," Jim explained calmly. Then, a little bit louder, "..but what is going on here?!" He sat down on a chair and jumped a little when he found it covered with papers.

Before he could utter a word, Blair grabbed the papers and put them on a pile of other papers on the kitchen table. "Ah, sorry, Jim," he apologized again and smiled. Come on, Jim, please, please hit me. NOW!

"I'm listening," Jim said, yawning again.

"I'm sorry, Jim."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I heard that. What the hell is going on here? Why are you up so damn early? It's not your style, you know." Jim folded his arms in front of his chest and waited.

Blair pushed his hair back and replied: "I've got an important oral exam this morning. I.... still got some catching-up to do and...., sorry, Jim. I didn't mean to wake you, but as I spent the last few days with you on that robbery case...I didn't have enough time to prepare myself for everything....So..." For some unfathomable reason his heartbeat increased and Jim frowned when his sensitive ears picked it up. Sandburg was never at a loss for words when it came to an ingenious apology but it was strange that he seemed to be down right hontest this time. Somehow he even appeared to be...nervous?

"Okay, Sandburg," Jim interrupted. "Forget it. Just try not to play with toasters next time, okay?" He stood up and walked back to his own bedroom. Man, was he tired! He climbed the stairs, saying: "Oh, and good luck on your exam..."

Blair Sandburg just nodded and sighed. That hadn't been so bad, he thought. Maybe tonight Jim would start all over again with his stupid houserules, but for now everything was okay.

Okay? "Nothing's okay," Blair murmured, silent enough that Jim wouldn't hear it. "Nothing's okay, man!" He sighed again and sat down on the couch looking at a book but not reading a thing. He knew everything. He knew every single word printed in there. And he knew every single word printed in all the other books. Oh, man, he liked that stuff. Anthropolgoy was his life, his passion, his little baby. He smiled a little when he remembered Simon's reaction to one of his "far-fetched" stories about his anthropological excursions. Yeah, he was good at that. He was a good teacher too.

However, Blair Sandburg was scared to death of oral exams.

*****

It had only taken an ice-melting smile, a gentle look of his blue eyes coupled with an ounce of the ol' Ellison charme and Jim was allowed to attend the oral exams in anthropology. As he didn't want Blair to know that he was there, Jim took a seat in the last row of the lecture hall, hidden by students and teachers. It had been a quiet morning so far and suddenly Jim had this strange feeling that his Guide could need some silent support. Simon Banks, his boss, had a big grin on his face when Jim told him about Blair's strange behavior earlier that morning, and when Jim had announced that he wanted to be there, Simon had just chuckled, saying, "Go ahead, Daddy."

Jim smiled but suddenly an uneasy feeling crept through his gut. Was he really acting like an over-worried father? And what would Blair think when he spotted him? Maybe his presence might make the grad student nervous?

Deciding to leave the lecture hall before Blair came in, Jim started to get up, when one of the examiners shouted:

"Blair Sandburg, please!"

Ellison sat down again and sighed trying to hide behind the large back of a male teacher in front of him. Why was he acting strange now? There was nothing to worry about.

Blair Sandburg entered the lecture hall and Jim peered over the teacher's shoulder. He almost whistled when he saw his roommate's appearance. Sandburg wore black trousers - still jeans but at least black - a black jacket and a red shirt....with a tie! What a difference, Jim thought with a grin. He vividly remembered his first meeting with his young friend. Blair wearing his favourite pair of jeans - almost torn to pieces.

Sandburg looked up at the audience for a brief moment, his expressive eyes showing something Jim had never seen before: fear...almost...horror! No sparkling excitement this time and Jim automatically focused his Sentinel hearing on Blair's heartbeat and pulse. What...? Yes, he'd been right - Blair's heart was racing and pounding inside his chest. Jim frowned. What in the world was the matter with Sandburg? This was an exam in his favourite subject but Blair acted like it was his own execution!

Minutes later it was an execution. At least for Blair and Jim. The Sentinel had never seen the anthropologist like that before. Sandburg was barely able to utter a single sentence without stuttering. His breath was short, his heartbeat was way beyond the normal rate and even from his distant point of observation Jim could see a bead of sweat on his friend's face.

Jim shook his head in shock when he listened to Sandburg. His answers were short, hestitating, and although Jim had no clue of anthropological issues he knew that Blair's comments weren't even worth an F.

Now, even the examiners exchanged worried glances at Sandburg's bad performance. It was catastrophic. Jim had seen Blair teaching class more than once before and he had never freaked out like this. On the contrary, Blair was always in control of himself and what he was saying. Sure, he was babbling a lot and Jim questioned a lot of what his Guide said sometimes, but for all Jim knew, Blair was usually very good at explaining and teaching. So, what the hell was going on here?

Maybe he was just too exhausted from his work with Jim and all? No, exhaustion would be when he looked like hell - well, he actually did right now - but this was pure fear.

"Mr. Sandburg, are you alright?" one of the female examiners asked sympathetically.

Blair nodded. He twisted his fingers when he forced his vocal cords to formulate the answer. "Yes, I'm fine."

'Liar,' Jim grimaced and asked himself for the umpteenth time what was going on down there. He had the urge to stand up and ask them to leave his friend alone, but he knew that Blair would never forgive him. The female examiner leafed through her notes.

"Mr Sandburg, I understand that your field study is about the so-called "Sentinel" theory based on the research of Sir Richard Burton?" she acertained.

'They're going to present him his A on a silver plate,' Jim thought and smiled. If they'd let Blair talk about his Sentinel research - without mentioning his living Sentinel, of course - he'd pass with flying colours. Jim looked at his watch. How long would it take? Two, three hours minimum?

"Yes, ma'am," Blair's voice was audibly shaking.

"Would you be so kind as to explain a few aspects to the group, please?" the woman asked calmly.

'There you go,' Jim grinned. 'He won't stop until I shoot him....'

Blair remained silent. His heartrate increased to an almost dangerous level, and Jim could hear him breathing heavily.

"The Sentinel...study..." Blair started, but suddenly Jim heard his ...gagging and the Sentinel stood up quickly.

Blair could see him now but the young man was too preoccupied with what was about to happen than to notice him.

"I'm....s-sorry...," Blair stood up and almost ran out of the lecture hall.

Jim didn't need his enhanced hearing to know where Blair was running. His face and the gagging explained itself. Jim followed him slowly to give him time to compose himself and when he finally caught up with him, Blair was sitting on the cold tiles of the men's room. Ellison wrinkled his nose at the smell of vomit.

Blair didn't look up when Jim opened the door and sat beside him on the cold floor.

"Hey, Chief," he said gently and touched Sandburg's shoulder slightly. "You okay?"

Blair had closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall. His hands hadn't stopped shaking and his heart was still racing like a trapped lab rat.

"How long have you been there?" Sandburg replied eventually. His breath was still short and his face was sweaty.

"I am sorry, Blair, I shouldn't have come," Jim started to apologize thinking Blair had reacted the way he just had because he had spotted Jim in the audience and that the Sentinel was the reason for Blair's....failure.

Sandburg shook his head. Without opening his eyes he explained, "No, don't try to take this on, man, it was me who screwed up again."

Jim raised his brows. "Again?" he repeated.

There was silence for more than a minute before the anthropologist continued speaking. He opened his eyes but he didn't meet Jim's searching gaze.

"I can't do this...I never could...," he started slowly. Jim remained silent, trying to understand. When Blair didn't proceed, he patted his shoulder.

"Hey, buddy, don't forget to breathe," he said jokingly.

"It's ridiculous."

"No, it is not. It is not ridiculous when you react like this, Blair," Jim said. Then he started apologizing again. "Hey, I am sorry, Sandburg, I should have know that you still have a job here at the university and I just borrowed too much of your time. Why didn't you tell me you needed some time for your studying?" Blair laughed a joyless laugh. "Oh, Jim, I don't need more time for my studies -- I will never, you hear me, NEVER be able to do this oral exam shit."

Finally Jim got the picture. "Some kind of examination phobia?" he asked.

Sandburg nooded closing his eyes again. "Yeah, but...but only oral exams. It's always been that way..."

Jim shook his head, unbelieving. "I don't get it, Blair, I mean you are a teacher and sometimes Simon and I cannot stop your lectures." What was the point here?

"It's different," Blair answered. "I...cannot do this question-and-answer game..." He grimaced when an embarrassing memory flashed through his brain. "I even collapsed once," he whispered.

Jim waited and Blair sighed and continued: "I always managed to persuade the examiners to let me write something, but this time...." He sighed again and made a dismissive gesture.

Ellison looked at the young man and couldn't believe what he had just heard. He had never expected Blair to be afraid of anything to do with his studies. Sandburg had a nice way of explaining things that even Jim understood eventually. Maybe a shrink would help here, Jim thought, but...

Suddenly Jim grabbed Blair's arm. "Come on, Chief. Let's go." Blair stood up, a puzzled expression on his face.

"What's up?" he asked, surprised by the sudden change.

Jim put his hands on Blair's shoulders. His grip was tight, almost painful.

"Listen to me, Blair. I want you to go inside that lecture hall again..." Blair started to protest, but Jim wouldn't let him say anything.

"No, it's my turn to do the talking now. Remember that day we met? Remember that you came up with this idiotic theory of me being a Sentinel and such?" Jim tried to explain.

Blair nodded slowly, not knowing what his friend had in mind. "Yeah, but...."

"Okay, just imagine that we are back in your office again. I have just entered, and you had this strange music on." - He smiled with the memory - "...now, you are going to explain to me what you think had happened then." He looked into Blair's dark-blue eyes, seeking understanding there.

"Just concentrate on me, Blair. Try to cut out your other...senses, and just focus on me! Explain your theory to me again...about this," he tried to imitate the voice of the female examiner, "so-called Sentinel thing. Just relax and breathe slowly." Jim thought that his suggestion was crazy but he had to do something to help his friend to overcome his fear.

"There are no other people in that lecture hall only me. Detective Jim Ellison, scared to death and not knowing anything about Sentinels or the Burton Theory. Explain it to me!"

Blair did not seem convinced but he just stared at Jim in amazment. "Wow, Jim, who's the guide here, huh?"

At least he managed a smile.

*****

Somehow Jim had managed to convince the examiners that Blair hadn't been feeling so well before and that he was asking for a second try now. Blair had no idea what Jim told them - maybe he did not say anything but only switched on one of his famous Ellison smiles - but no matter what he had done, Sandburg was allowed to start all over again.

Now Blair Sandburg was standing in front of the examiners, students and teachers, breathing calmy and looking at Jim who gave him a reassuring smile. Sandburg focused on his friend, his eyes seeing nothing else other than his friends gentle eyes, and his memory went back to that mention-worthy day that had changed their lives. Someone was entering his office, and when Blair turned around he saw the detective he'd met at the hospital earlier. A man desperately looking for answers. Answers that only the young anthropologist could provide....

Blair took a deep breath and without breaking the eye-contact with Jim he began, "In all tribal cultures, every village had a Sentinel..."