[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Amanda, asleep underneath her leopard bed sheets, purrs out Kyle's name
and reaches for him. Only, he's not there. Stranger yet, neither is his
pillow! Well, Amanda isn't going to stand, er, lie for this, so she
wraps herself up and heads out to the courtyard. But she runs into
Billy, who's been out all night looking for Samantha at all the usual
places -- bus station, Union Station, airport. I guess he figures Sam
wouldn't simply spend the night at a local motel, but would do anything
she could to get as far away from him as possible. Amanda isn't any
help, and besides, she's on a pillow recovery mission. She tells Billy
he looks like hell, and to get some rest before the ribbon cutting
ceremony. Yes, I've heard cutting ribbon really can really be a bitch.
Then Amanda bangs on Kyle's door and proceeds to scold him for his
behavior. Either he's jealous of Eric Baines, or he's getting sick
seeing all those "spots" in bed. Well, Amanda just can't believe he'd be
jealous of a rich, NY'er who's been stuffing money down her bra. Amanda
lays the same speech on Kyle that she gave to Jake back when they were a
couple, the one about her letting her drawbridge down and now that he's
in, he's not getting out.

[Royal Beach Hotel, Room 254]
Peter is definitely in the red, but that doesn't mean he's a poor guy!
In fact, he struck it rich last night, spending the night with Lexi. He
turns and kisses her, and the way she kisses him, it looks like she's
been taking kissing lessons from Jennie Garth, aka Kelly Taylor! As they
lay in bed, telling each other how nice last night felt, Lexi makes it
clear to Peter that he's got to keep it a secret, at least until the
divorce settlement is over. Peter asks her why she wants Coop's money,
since Peter thought she was just a money-grubbing, rich bitch from hell.
Lexi explains, "What I am, is a loyal wife and friend who put her
husband through medical school. I love him... I made his meals, I rubbed
his back, I made sure that he got his dream. And when he did, when he
became this all-powerful doctor, he fell in love with someone else... He
ripped my heart out." And I thought Coop was into hand jobs, not
cardiology. Then Lexi asks Peter to make love to her and they resume
some weak, obviously tongue-less kissing.

[MP, Craig's Apt]
There's a knock at Craig's door, and when Craig answers, there stands
Mr. Andrews, casting an enormous white shadow. Craig does his best to
act worse than Billy as he says, "Uh. Hello? How are you? Would you like
to come in?" The white shadow explains that he's here, partly on a
business trip, but mostly because he was drawn back to the place that
took his daughter from him. What a sicko. He and Craig grief-bond for a
moment, then the white shadow reaches into his breast pocket and starts
to withdraw an envelope, but is interrupted when Jennifer Mancini
waddles out in nothing more than some tight undies. The white shadow is
shocked. Jennifer, who had met Mr. Andrews way back when Jane wed
Michael, doesn't know what to say, so she points towards her breasts and
mumbles something like, "This isn't what it looks...uh, I'm breakfast.
Yeah, that's the ticket." Craig tells her to go, but the white shadow
interrupts saying, "I'm glad you got over your memory so quickly, Craig.
I'm sure you'll be very happy." He puts the envelope away and leaves.
Craig mutters, "I just keep losing." He wouldn't be hinting as to his
role on the show now, would he?

[Amanda Woodward Advertising]
Billy is in his office, taking advantage of Sprint's "Talk Free on
Monday Nights" calling plan by telephoning Kate's Crab House and asking
if Kate Reilly's really the biggest crab in Maryland. Lucky for Billy,
he just happened to pick the right Kate in the phone book. He
introduces himself as Billy boy. Kate stammers, "Billy Campbell!?"
Samantha, standing a few feet away from her mother, shakes her head to
and fro, implying that she doesn't want to talk to him. Billy asks if
Sam is there, to which Kate answers no. Then Billy asks if she knows any
place else Sam might have gone. Kate answers no again. Then to prove
where Sam got her brains from, Kate adds, "Leave her alone, Billy.
That's what Sam wants," before hanging up the phone. I think the old Ma
Reilly may have had one too many mercury-laden crab cakes. Billy joins
the rest of the employees just in time for the physically exhausting
ribbon-cutting ceremony. Eric Baines has the honors, and he cuts the
ribbon and then gives Amanda a little squeeze. All the employees,
obviously fatigued, lounge around doing nothing, waiting for night to
fall before starting to work.

[MP, Jennifer's Apt]
Megan, wearing yet another sheer top she used to use at her last job,
enters Jennifer's apt, only to find Jennifer busy walking her fingers
through the Yellow Pages trying to find the hotel where Mr. Andrews is
staying. I can hear her now: "Hi <hotel name here>, is Mr. Andrews
staying there?" Almost as bad as looking up "Kate" in the Maryland phone
book in the last scene. Jennifer tells Megan about the incident at
Craig's apt and how she wants to rectify the situation by talking to Mr.
Andrews, so Craig can then become the billionaire that he was destined
to be. Being a Mancini, Jennifer suggests Megan get out to the beach
house before the other Mancini gets into no good.

[Amanda Woodward Advertising]
It's late at night. Of course, Amanda and the rest of the staff are busy
at work. Billy enters Amanda's office and tells her he's figured out
that Sam is staying at her mom's place, saying "Sam's definitely staying
there. I could just hear it in her mom's voice." Duh. How about the fact
that Kate let the cat out of the bag? Lucky for Billy, since it only
took him about ten hours to deduce this, he won't have to spend as much
money on airfare, since the only flight left is the red-eye. Amanda
tells him he can't go, but Billy says he's not asking, since he can
simply use some of his personal days. Billy's doing even less here than
he did at Sky High! Amanda tells Billy if he doesn't return in 72 hours
she'll fire him. At least she's understanding.

[Beach House]
Michael is reading on the sofa when Taylor enters, letting herself in
through the sliding glass door. She thanks Michael again for getting her
pregnant, then asks if she could have his chief-of-staff one more time.
He resists, as much as a Mancini can when it comes to sex, which is
about ten seconds. By the way her lips are puffed up, you know she's
pretty aroused, and the two of them stumble into the bedroom. Moments
later, Megan enters through the front door, calling out for Michael. She
opens the door to the bedroom, finds Michael and Taylor intertwined on
the mattress, and runs out in disgust. Michael, realizing the only way
out of this is to tell Megan the truth, that Taylor only wanted him as a
sperm donor. Taylor, afraid that if Megan knew, then Kyle would know the
baby wasn't his, and she'd never get him back. So Taylor threatens to
blackmail Michael, promising to make up stories to tell Megan that will
ruin his life forever, such as how Michael always thought of Megan as a
whore; how he used Megan until something better came along; that the
only one better than Kimberly was Taylor. In all the excitement, Taylor
forgets she's hornier than a rabbit and simply hops away.

[Kate's Crab House, Crisfield, MD]
Speaking of black male, Ernie, the short order cook is busy dropping
poor Maryland crabs into pots of boiling water. Despite what Kate says,
he can't believe Sam is back to stay. Sam delivers a couple of orders to
one of the tables where the Old Spice guy is sitting, then passes by
Kris Kringle and over to the last table, where homely single guy is
waiting to order. When the guy removes the menu from his face, Sam sees
that it's Billy. He looks at her and says, "Well, I guess a taco would
be out of the question, huh?" (No one ever said Sam loved him for his
wit.) Sam felt so stupid about the marriage-thing, and realized that she
didn't belong in L.A. Billy reminds her she is a woman now, not a little
girl. When Billy grabs her and starts kissing her, Sam melts faster than
the butter she serves with the steamed crab plates. Seconds later, Kate
comes out and reserves the right to refuse service to Billy, suggesting
he get his city-butt off the premises, a callousness she obviously
developed on "240-Robert."

[MP, Jennifer's Apt]
The phone rings, but Megan tells Jennifer to let the answering machine
pick up. The call is from Michael, who tries to apologize for sleeping
with Taylor. Jennifer gasps. Megan starts having a conversation with the
answering machine before pressing whatever button magically hangs up on
the party. She opens the door to leave, but Michael is standing there
with his cell phone. He tries to explain that Taylor forced herself on
him after drugging him first. Megan gives him back his ring and leaves.

[Bonaventure Hotel]
This is the Panties-Scene-of-the-Week. Jennifer, wearing some sort of
mini-skirt China doll outfit, is sitting on a couch in the lounge of the
Bonaventure Hotel. What luck! It just so happens that the white shadow
is staying here, too! She spots Mr. Andrews crossing the lobby, so she
gets up. If you taped the show, hit the slo-mo button now! Jennifer
tries to explain that the physical thing Mr. Andrews witnessed the other
day was just the result of all the pain Craig's felt over losing Sydney.
Jennifer says she was just another shoulder to cry on, then uses modes
of transportation to further describe their relationship, saying "...we
were like two ships that go bump in the night; a tunnel for the train; a
hangar to park the plane..." The white shadow tells her he never wants
to see her or Craig again, explaining he lost a piece of himself when
Syd died. Jennifer one-ups him by saying Craig lost one HALF of himself,
his better half. Jennifer adds that Craig realizes Syd would've wanted
him to get on with his life, and she would've wanted the white shadow to
do the same.

[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office]
Lexi is arguing with Brett over the divorce settlement. Peter hears the
commotion and pops in to see if everything is alright. Coop tells Lexi
that he is broke, that he has no money. She replies that she's still
going to proceed with the settlement, adding, "As they say, this is
war." Who is they? The same people who are trying to crack down on the
multitude of Melrose sites on the Internet?

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Kyle is hanging around the bar in a purple Izod shirt, one of his Silk
Stockings leftovers, when Amanda arrives. The two of them spend the next
minute observing how quiet Jennifer's being. Kyle can't figure it out,
saying she's been moping around for the past couple of days. He leaves
to meet with the band, so Amanda asks what's wrong. Jennifer admits that
the Mancini sex urge has gotten the better of her and her brother
Michael. She spills the beans, whispering "Megan walked in on Michael
fooling around with Taylor, where Michael was helping her paternally.
Pass it on." Amanda turns to Kyle and whispers, "Michael pat her stomach
while Taylor griped how maternity felt like an eternity. Pass is on."
Kyle, hearing this, runs downstairs and whispers to Taylor, "Is it true?
Did Megan catch you watching 'From Here to Eternity' with Michael? Pass
it on." Taylor, caught off guard, admits she was having sex with
Michael. Kyle demands a paternity test.

[Eric Baine's Hotel Room]
Amanda stops by to "unburden" herself, telling Eric he ain't going to
get any. He tells her his move to L.A. was strictly for business, and
hopes her ego isn't bruised. She breathes a sigh of relief and leaves.
Then Eric calls room service, tells them to cancel one of the dinners,
forget the champagne, and bring some ice for HIS ego.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Taylor pays Michael a visit, wearing an outfit that could be mistaken
for Amanda's bedspread. She informs Michael that Kyle found out about
the sex between them, but not about the baby, but wants a paternity
test. Michael says she'll have to wait a month, but she can't wait that
long and orders Michael to fake one. Then Michael comes up with another
stellar plan -- to have Taylor lie for him and convince Megan Michael is
innocent. In return, he'll fudge the test results.

[Docks in Crisfield, Maryland]
Ernie and Sam pull up in a red Ford pickup, where they find Billy
playing with some crabs. Billy says he's willing to live in her world
for awhile if that's what it'll take to get her back. Ernie tells Sam to
pay the man for the crabs. While Sam's off paying, Ernie explains to
Billy how Kate is just trying to protect Sam, something she failed to do
when Sam was younger. Sam returns, and attempts some street talk,
Maryland-style, by belting out, "Yo, Ernie." They leave, but not before
Billy utters in a monotone voice, "I won't hurt you." Sam replies, "You
already have."

[MP, Craig's Apt]
Craig finds a white shadow looming over his apt once again. Mr. Andrews
gives Craig an envelope containing an insurance check from a family
policy he took out when the girls were little. He tells Craig it was
time he got off the show and got on with his life. They hug, while
Jennifer watches from her apt window.

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Eric shows up to meet with Amanda. Kyle tells Jennifer to give him a
drink on the house. Does anyone ever PAY for drinks at this bar? While
Eric waits for Amanda to arrive, Jennifer does her darnedest to milk him
for any info she can, but she doesn't get anywhere before Amanda
arrives.

[Burns-Mancini-Coop Medical Office]
Megan is hanging around, looking at photos of her and Michael together.
For some reason, Taylor just happens to show up. She tries to apologize
to Megan, and tell her Michael wasn't to blame. Megan replies, "Don't
tell me. He was suffering from sex epilepsy." Taylor tries lying about
what happened. The three week respite must've done Megan some good,
because she manages to actually see through all of Taylor's lies. Of
course, she'll probably need a recharge after this scene. The scene
culminates when Megan slaps Taylor across the face as though she was
trying to knock the lips off a Mr. Potato Head.

[Outdoor Cafe]
Craig and Jennifer are having brunch. Jennifer is salivating over the
insurance check. For such a big chunk of change, you'd think Craig would
be a bit more careful with it. But like he says, he's got an MBA,
whatever that means. Jennifer mentions several ways Craig could use the
money, suggesting among other things, real estate, direct marketing,
and  stocks and bonds. Craig decides to live the life of Kwai Chang
Caine, walking down the path of life all the while trying to snatch the
pebble from his hand.

[Upstairs Jazz Club]
Megan is having a party-of-one (poo). Michael arrives, apologizes, and
promises to change. He says he loves her, and she replies, "So that's
why I find you in bed with another woman?" Hearing this, Michael
mentions how he's forgiven her for her many Johns. Megan tries to leave,
but Michael grabs her and starts into his Marv Albert routine. Before he
can sink his chops into her though, Eric Baines, who happens to be
watching the quarrel unfold, steps in to separate the two of them. The
music stops and the entire roomful of people sit and stare. Jennifer
tells Michael he's embarrassing himself and to go. Kyle announces, "Next
round is on me." Man, I gotta find this bar! The music resumes, and Eric
introduces himself to Megan as "Eric Baines." Megan replies, "I'm Megan
Mancini. Actually, just Megan. One name. Sort of like RuPaul."

[Kate's Crab House, Crisfield, MD]
Billy enters and orders crab cakes and a draft. Mrs. Reilly says he
obviously didn't get the message. Billy tells her he isn't going to
leave without Sam. Kate informs Billy that Sam isn't in love with him
anymore. Then Billy, talking "Free on Monday Nights" like the Sprint
commercial, says, "That's what you'd like to believe, isn't it. Because
that eases your conscience. At least I want what's best for Samantha.
I'm not trying to hold onto her because I failed the first time around
(Even though he did fail!)" "I'm not going to listen to you telling me
what a bad mother I was," Kate replies. Billy continues to rub salt in
the wound, causing Kate to reach behind the counter and grab a shotgun,
which she cocks and points at Billy. Billy adds, "She doesn't need you
to protect her. What she needs is to get away from you, so you don't
destroy her life for a second time." Billy, like Candace Bergen said,
this isn't what Sprint had in mind! Sam steps out from the kitchen and
exclaims, rather pathetically, "Oh my God! Stop it. Stop it." (Sam, you
have been hanging around Billy too much.) Sam tells Billy to just go
back to L.A. Billy asks, "This is what you really want?" Then he
stiffens that lower jaw of his and adds, "You can put the gun down,
Kate. You won."

 Episode Guide