Tad: How do you spell "Des Moines"? D-A?
Dixie: D-something. (rolling down the window and inhaling deeply) Oh, oh, do you feel that country air? It is so wonderful.
T: (crinkling up his nose and making a face) Oh, yeah, I certainly do. Smells like cow manure.
D: (looking over at him disparagingly) It’s dairy country.
T: Gee, you think? Do me a favor—roll the window back up. Let’s use the air conditioner.
D: Tad, no. Oh! (getting all excited) Look over there! There’s cows! Look at the moo cows!
T: (teasingly) Moo cows?
D: (giving him a dirty look) That’s what Junior calls them. Those are black and whites. Those are herefords, I think.
T: Look like a herd of quarter-pounders to me.
D: (cracking a smile, reaching over to smack him on the arm) Stop it. You’re awful.
T: Yeah, but you love me anyway.
D: How can I love a macho, meat-eating machine?
T: Well, I could think of a couple ways offhand, but we haven’t got the time. We’ve got to make tracks. Ryan’s sentencing is today. Come on, honey, seriously, help me find a way back to the highway.
D: (pleadingly) Would you just call the judge?
T: I don’t want to call the judge.
D: (exasperated) Just pick up the phone and ask for directions!
T: No, no, no, no. I’m not going to overstep my bounds on this one. You know, it was hard enough getting the old coot to see us in the first place, and there’s no guarantee he’s going to unseal Ryan’s records.
D: Know what? I’m going to call. (she starts to turn around and reach into the back seat, presumably looking for the cell phone) I am going to pick up the phone and I’m going to call.
T: You go ahead. You call. Maybe you’ll have better luck.
D: (with her head and torso in the backseat and her butt in the air) I don’t understand this thing with men. They just don’t want to ask for directions. It’s so annoying.
T: (reaching over to pat her butt) How are you, sweetheart? Long time, no see.
D: What are you doing? Stop that.
T: Just taking a moment to enjoy the view.
D: Cut it out. (emerging from the backseat, picnic basket in hand) What is this, you sexist pig?
T: Oh, that’s for you, sweetie.
D: It’s for me?
T: Yeah, you can’t take your heart medication on an empty stomach, so…
D: (sweetly)You’re such a nice sexist pig. (examining the contents of the picnic basket) Ooh, yummy!
T: (echoing) Yummy. I try to think of everything.
D: Awww.
T: (examining the map) Now if I could just think of a way to get us back to civilization…
D: (smiling and turning to face him) Hey, you know what?
T: What?
D: I think I really like being lost with you.
T: Mmm…I like being lost with you, too. They lean in and start kissing, only to be interrupted when the car jolts violently and they’re both thrown back into their seats.
D: Oh!
The scene fades back in to T&D sitting in the car, looking completely shocked. We hear the sound of cow mooing loudly.
T: What the hell was that?
D: I think something hit us. Are you ok?
T: Yeah, I’m fine. Did you get the license plate?
Dixie is the first to sit up, and when she does, she sees something rather shocking, and her jaw drops.
D: No, but I think it has horns.
T: What horns? (sitting up) I didn’t hear anything—Oh my god! That’s the biggest cow I’ve ever seen.
D: It’s not a cow, Tad, it’s a bull.
T: How can you tell?
D: (sarcastically) I’ve seen one naked once.
More mooing, and then the car starts to bounce and shake.
T: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! All right, Ellie May, you know so damn much about farm animals—what is this thing doing?
D: What’s it look like he’s doing?
T: It looks like he’s trying to make with our rental car.
D: Maybe he likes the color.
T: (taking a closer look, then making a face) That’s disgusting.
D: (covering her face with her hands) Oh, stop!
T: I’m not insured for this. Come on, get off!
D: Don’t honk, don’t honk! You’ll make him mad.
T: How can you tell the difference? (at this, Dixie turns to him and gives him a look. The car stops shaking for a moment, we hear a loud bellow, and the shaking starts up again, even more violently)
D: Next question?
T: Right.
D: Oh, I have an idea. (Dixie rolls down the window, sticks her head out and starts singing.)
T: What are you doing? Honey, don’t be ridiculous. Get in here, get in here. Roll up the window. (when she ignores him, he reaches over and starts to roll up the window himself) Come here. That’s dangerous—what if he bites you?
D: No, it’s good music. It soothes the savage beast.
T: "Savage," honey, "savage." Underline savage, as in "Not Friendly."
D: Not all bulls are unfriendly, ok? Remember Ferdinand the bull? He was a very nice bull—
T: Ferdinand?
D: He was friendly, he liked roses.
T: (exasperated) Ferdinand was a cartoon.
D: (indignant) He was not a cartoon.
T: Gives me an idea. Give me this. (he opens the picnic basket and rummages around inside)
D: What are you doing?
T: Maybe the way to a bull’s heart is through his stomach.
D: What, you’re going to feed him?
T: What’s a 1,000 pound bull eat, anyway?
D: I don’t know. Anything he wants to.
T: Anything he wants, right. Let’s hope he’s got a taste for roast beef and sourdough. (pulling a sandwich out of the basket, Tad opens the door and gets out of the car.)
D: Please don’t go outside. Please come back here, Tad. Please? (sounding worried) Tad. (she watches him walk away from the car, and then we hear snorting noises) Oh, Tad!
~*~*~*~
Tad opens the door to the car and climbs back in, looking rather tousled and somewhat soggy.
T: Well, you’re right. He’s definitely not vicious.
D: (looking at him with disdain) What happened?
T: He slimed me.
D: He what?
T: Slimed me. Backed me up against a tree and put his big, hairy, disgusting bovine lips all over me.
D: (cracking a smile) He kissed you?
T: With a mile-long tongue. That bull is a pervert.
D: (trying very hard not to laugh) Tad…
T: You haven’t heard the worst of it. It’s not funny.
D: I’m sorry. (trying muffle her laughter, but she’s not succeeding)
T: (kind of annoyed) It’s not funny. What if he had mad cow disease?
D: I’m, I’m sorry.
T: Look at this (holding up the bull’s nose ring)—we’re engaged. (at this, Dixie, unable to control herself, starts laughing outright) What are you laughing at? This is not funny. Look, he even slimed my watch. Loot at that?
D: Oh, let me see. (Dixie leans over and puts her ear up against Tad’s slimy watch) Takes a licking but keeps on ticking! (dissolving into hysterical laughter)
T: (still totally straight-faced) Don’t hurt yourself, okay?. Ryan Lavery owes me a new watch.
D: Tad, you know, I’ve known you to sling the bull, but french-kissing? I mean, come on, you hardly know each other. (more hysterical laughter, which Tad still doesn’t join in on.)
T: (continuing to look insulted) Finished yet? Well, now you know why I hate the country so much.
D: (trying hard to control her laughter once again) Aw, come on. (putting on a southern accent) You don’t hate little, innocent country girls, now, do ya?
T: (finally cracking a little smile) No, Trixie, I don’t.
D: (they lean in to kiss, but Dixie gets kinda grossed out by the bull-slime all over Tad’s face) Eww, eww, ooh.
T: All right, fine, forget it.
D: No. (leaning back in for the kiss)
T: (feigning insult) No, it’s fine. Please, I’d love to stick around and show our horny friend what comes naturally to humans.
D: Oh, no! Ferdy’s cone! He’s gone!
T: Good.
D: (dramatically) My heart is broken. (teasingly) Maybe he got jealous. He was jealous.
T: Oh, hardy-har-har. What fun it is to laugh. Now, if you’re quite done, we’ve got a judge to see.
D: Oh, yeah. (getting serious) Oh. You know, I know Ryan had a tough life as a kid, but I…ending up at family court must’ve been really bad here.
T: Yeah, well, we’ll know the whole sordid story soon enough.
Tad goes to turn on the car, but it won’t start. T&D just stare at each other.
~*~*~*~
Scene fades back in with Tad talking into the cell phone.
T: Hi, Judge Harper? This is Tad Martin, and I—I apologize, sir. I know, I’m sorry, we’re late, we’re holding up your golf game, but we had a bit of an accident. You see, we were sort of attacked by a bull. (Dixie, off to the side, is trying to keep a straight face) Well, actually, no, no, we weren’t attacked. Our car was attacked—and it wasn’t really an attack. (Dixie, goofing around, holds the bull’s ring up to her nose, trying to make Tad laugh (it sure cracked me up!)) It was more like he liked it a lot. No, I mean he liked it a real lot. Yeah, the car’s red. Why? Well about—my guess is about half a mile south of the service route. You’re kidding. Well, sir, excuse me for just a second. (putting his hand over the mouthpiece, he whispers to Dixie) Guess who owns the bull. (back into the phone) Well, the truth is, sir, no, luckily, thankfully, neither one of us are hurt. We’re just very, very badly shaken up. (surprised) Yeah. And I’m fairly sure the car is going to need a new paint job. Well—certainly. I’m sure we could come to some understanding. (perking up, like he heard good news) Really? Fine. Good. Yeah, about half a mile south. Well, thank—thank you, sir. Good-bye. (hangs up the phone and turns to Dixie) I ever tell you why I love the country so much?
D: What? What is it? Why are you sitting there looking so smug?
T: In the first place, he apologized, and it turns out that, yes, in fact, our friend the bull does like red cars—to the tune of $40,000 in damages so far this year.
D: Holy smokes.
T: So the judge is sending out his bailiff to pick us up. Now guess why I’m smiling.
D: (slowly, guessing) Because he agreed to break open Ryan’s records if we don’t press charges?
T: You can take the girl out of the country…(Tad leans over and pulls Dixie into a kiss)
D: (pulls back from the kiss momentarily) You can lead me around by the nose any day. (and with that, they continue kissing—they’ve been doing a lot of that lately, haven’t they? Not that I’m complaining!)
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