Tad: So can I help you with your yarn?
Dixie: Actually that's ok. I really think I oughta get going.
Tad: Nnno. Take it easy. Take it easy. You would never know it to look at me but I happen to be a world champion yarn winder.
Dixie: Oh no!
Tad: No, no, seriously. Thanks to my Grandma Kate. She used to knit me a sweater every Christmas and inevitably I was always cast as the chief spool.
Dixie: Hah! Well…
Tad: Besides you don't want to leave with it like this. Do you?
Dixie: Ok, if you don't mind.
Tad: Oh no. Not at all.
Dixie: This is very nice of you.
Tad: Well, I'm a very nice guy!
Dixie: How come you're home tonight?
Tad: I live here.
Dixie: I mean, how come you don't have a date? A nice guy like you shouldn't be sitting around helping an old, fat, pregnant lady wind yarn. You oughta be on the town having fun.
Tad: How do you know I'm not?
Dixie: You know you spend more time at home than any guy like you I have ever met.
Tad: Like me? I don't know if I like that. Besides do you see any of my family around?
Dixie: You know what I mean. I think you must be just about the nicest friend I've got.
Tad: And I think that you are the thickest pregnant woman I have ever met in my entire life…and I'm not just talking about your girth. You want to know why I'm so nice to you? Maybe I should show you.
(They kiss three or four times.)
Dixie: What was that?
Tad: A kiss.
Dixie: I know that you were kissing me.
Tad: Good.
Dixie: Well, what I want to know is why.
Tad: Why?
Dixie: Tad Martin are you just plain stupid or have you forgotten that I'm a married woman?
Tad: It was just a kiss. Would you lighten up?
Dixie: Tad!
Tad: And stop telling me you're married. I know you were married. I was there - remember? Lights, camera, lightening - ZAP!
Dixie: If your memory is so good then why the kiss?
Tad: I don't know. Why is there lasagna? Why is there ice cream?
Dixie: Why do you always talk about food?
Tad: I'm hungry.
Dixie: Well get over it. Get back to the point.
Tad: The point? Alright the point is.. uuhh.. well.. I'm a very affectionate person and whenever I see somebody I'm very attracted to I… I wanted to kiss you.
Dixie: Oh - just like that?
Tad: Yeah - just like that! Would you stop acting like I just tried to kill you in cold blood? It won't happen again alright? I promise I'll be good. I'll be better than good. I'll be a martyr.
Dixie: Why can't you be serious?
Tad: Why can't you be anything but serious?
Dixie: I can not be casual about things all the time like you are.
Tad: Well that's your loss.
Dixie: I adore my husband. You know that.
Tad: Yeah. So I heard.
Dixie: He adores me. We are crazy about each other. Tad, I can not even think about another man.
Tad: Until she met the Tadski!
Dixie: What?
Tad: Never mind.
Dixie: You know I don't think he would have liked seeing that kiss - not one bit.
Tad: I'll remember not to do it in front of him.
Dixie: Well you remember never to do it again.
Tad: I said I would, ok?
Dixie: You are so irresponsible and reckless and thoughtless and inconsiderate of me. (Tad starts panting, making fun of her outburst) What? What? What?
Tad: (shouting) That's exactly the way you look. It's absurd. I promise you it will never happen again. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I will not try to kiss you again for the next century. Is that good enough?
Dixie: Promise? Promise? Never again?
Tad: I promise. (Dixie walks towards the door) Wait, wait. C'mon. Don't take off. Let's not take this thing too far. Alright? I mean we can still see each other. Look, as long as I keep my lips to myself everything's alright.
Dixie: I don't –
Tad: Come on. Somebody's gotta make sure that Junior gets his allotment of fat and cholesterol.
Dixie: Tad, I don't think it's such a good idea.
Tad: Why?
Dixie: Because you need a really special girl and if you're hanging around with some fat, old married, pregnant lady, you're not looking for her.
Tad: A very special girl?
Dixie: Yeah. Yes, someone who is going to love you just as much as you love her. You've got a really big heart sweetheart and I know someday your gonna make some girl very happy.
Tad: Uhhh - I don't know. There are not too many special girls left in town that would have me.
Dixie: Oh I don't believe that. I don't believe that for one minute.
Tad: Name five.
Dixie: Five!
Tad: Mm-hmm.
Dixie: Oh thanks! Uh, how about just one? How about Skye ok? She's terrific. I think she likes you. You could try things out. It might work.
Tad: Just a second. Skye and I have explored our friendship in a past life, ok?
Dixie: Well things can change.
Tad: I don't want them to change. That would be so weird. I mean that would make me your step-son-in-law. Forget it.
Dixie: You gotta have somebody Tad.
Tad: Don't worry about me. I'll find somebody. I promise.
Dixie: You will?
Tad: Oh yeah. One way or another Tad's gonna get the girl…all by himself.
Dixie: Well I just want you to be happy.
Tad: Yeah… Uhh
Dixie: Yeah, it's getting late.
Tad: (Looking at his watch) Oooh it's June alright. I'll drive you home. Ok?
Dixie: No, I don't think that's a good idea. I'll call a cab.
A big thank you to Brenda D. for letting me borrow the transcript!