Bart's Crank Calls to Moes 

Most of the quotes are laid out as follows:

  • Episode number (Episode name)
  • Person calling and others listening in
  • How Moe calls for the person
  • If anybody in the bar responds, who said what (usually, everybody in the bar laughs, except in 8F08)
  • What Moe says when he realizes it's the crank caller
  • Moe's response to the caller

    • 7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

    Bart with Lisa and Maggie
    Moe: Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
    Wait a minute...
    Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
    Bart and Lisa laugh

    7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

    Bart with Lisa and Maggie
    Moe: Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
    Marge picks up the extension and hears:
    Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

    * 7G03 (Homer's Odyssey)

    Bart with Lisa
    Moe: Uh, I.P. Freely? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
    Wait a minute...
    Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
    Bart and Lisa laugh

    7G06 (Moaning Lisa)

    Bart with Lisa
    Moe: Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
    Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
    It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
    Bart laughs

    7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)

    Bart with Lisa
    Moe: Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
    Oh, wait a minute...
    Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
    Bart and Lisa laugh

    7F15 (Principal Charming)

    Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)
    Moe: Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
    Homer says "Don't look at me!"
    Moe: Oh, no...
    You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
    Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"

    * 7F22 (Blood Feud)

    Moe: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
    Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!

    8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II)

    Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins
    Moe: Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
    Oh, wait a minute...
    Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well

    8F08 (Flaming Moe's)

    Bart
    Moe: Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
    There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

    8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)

    Bart
    Moe: Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
    Barney says "You sure do!"
    Moe: Oh...it's you, isn't it?
    Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
    Bart laughs

    9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

    Bart
    Moe: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
    Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
    Moe: You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt! Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room

    9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

    Laura Powers with Bart
    Moe: Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tankle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
    Laura and Bart laugh

    2F19 (The PTA Disbands)

    This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike
    OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
    The students in the classroom laugh
    All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
    More laughs
    All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
    Still more laughs
    Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
    Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers  

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