I can't decide which goes better with irritating bards...white wine ... I mean white wine spritzers ... um, white grape juice, or red?
Any help would be appreciated.
Dear Chef,
I find a nice Chianti adds just the right amount of spice to any interlude with an irr .... oh wait, that's fava beans and Census takers, never mind.
The Goddess
Well, this one is not a question but some advice for you from your humble servant. The next time you find yourself in a dark cave or tunnel, and there's a fork in the path, *please* take the path leading to the right!!
Sleepless in New Cirra
Dear Sleepless.
From your letter I get the impression that you have decided that my delicate plan to be "trapped" in the labyrinth was a mistake.
I will send my people to beat you shortly.
thank you for your time,
Dear Goddess,
I have this problem. There's this guy who won't leave me alone. What should I do? Oh, yeah, What do you think of Hudson Leick?
Villager who used to live in Cirra,
Dear Sarah,
It has been my experience that there is nothing a dagger to the throat won't cure. BTW, why don't you live in Cirra? Hmmmm? (Arching an eyebrow) Oh yeah, and Hudson, I think she's swell.
Goddess Callisto
bardic disclaimer: Stalking is illegal in most states, while the bard appreciates The Goddess Callisto's direct action solution, she would also like to point out that murder is a felony in at least 35 states and quite possibly a misdemeanor in the others.
What is Callisto's problem with Gabrielle? She hardly did anything to Callisto but she makes fun of her anyway. She should be mad at Xena not Gabrielle.
Jenny
Dear Goddess,
What does a boy have to do to get twinned? We've got seven Oddity Twins in Cirra. Is there by any chance a new legion of twins lurking with my name on it? And on a completely unrelated topic, what is your standpoint on the current Bill Clinton scandal?
Stephen Meeker
Dear bard-boy,
What the Tartarus is wrong with you? Are you some sort of pre-Mycenaean freak? I mean it's bad enough to be a twin. But to actually desire it?
(((Shudder)))
At this point the Goddess Callisto passed out flat.
MM: On behalf of my beloved twin Trancer and two very over worked firefighters, I am going to have to ask that you refrain from frightening the Goddess in this manner. It's hard enough dealing with her when she's in top form, but....
GC: I can hear that, you know.
MM: ...er...It's a great pleasure working for the Goddess when she's in top form...
GC: (blank stare)
MM: ...er...who is ALWAYS in top form.
GC: (mumbling) pathetic.
MM: thanks.
GC: That was not a compliment.
MM: oh.
Dear Goddess,
What do you do when Heresy has a Voodoo doll of you? Well, if you were a Rat Girl, I mean, what would you do...
Keep in mind, I helped you be rid with all those intoxicants...And he's a priest of Dahak, too!
Autumn aka Rat Girl
Dear Autumn.
The best ward against a voodoo doll is to make a voo doo doll of the person who made the doll of you. Here's some personal effects of Heresy's. Have fun. Also, here's the alarm codes for his home. Plus, he doesn't like spiders. Here's a bag of them.
GC
I'm in love with Joxer! I think he's absolutely the sweetest, most gorgeous guy I've ever seen! And that voice.... Oooooohhhhh! As you can see, I have a real problem. He's way too good for me!
Jenny
GC: (blank stare) Am I the only one breathing oxygen here?
When you, mighty goddess, were last seen with Xena, you had been trapped in a collapsing cave. Then, you were soon seen with Ares trying to destroy Hercules. How did you escape? Or is the answer something I will soon find out on my own?
Curious Observer
Just what are those people at the Cirran Elementary school teaching these days? It was that trouble making daughter of Dahak that forced me out of the cave. And right in the middle of a good dream too. There was fire everywhere and death and destruction, pounding hooves, horses, stampedes, chaos, men burning houses, villagers, Cirrrrra! Relentless pillaging, running, screeeee-ming, murrrr-dering!! Xeeeeeennnna!
MM: (gasping for air) Goddess let go of me......please.....
GC: (releases the bard from choke hold) oh. Where was I?
MM: uh...next letter?
Oh my goddess, this is Rugal again.
Well, uh, it seems scenarists of XWP loves making you silly !!! I've just seen ANE over there in France and all I have to say is that they really consider you as a looser. Why, well, the lava trap was huge and a powerful and smart goddess like you usually has enough brain to avoid it. What happened to you, got an headache that kept you from thinking ? Do not take it as an offence but you appear to be the goddess of awkwardness 'cause whenever you're on the scene you are always tricked by The DoN !! Quite humiliating isn't it. Darksun has told me that your will to help Velasca was .. uh .. sorry .. pathetic. A goddess must have at least a little of self-esteem. I think that you deserve much more and I'm gonna kick those scenarist's butts!!! To conclude, an advice from Darksun : "Always take account of all the aspects of the situation before acting, only an objective and rational analysis prevents you from doing such mistakes." To help you, oh my goddess, I'll try to grab an extra item to become a god me too and it is not ambrosia ... Have you ever heard from the 6 Infinity gems???
Your Rugal
PS: white pupils are not very charming ones. Maybe you should wear colored contact lenses !!! Oh, at least, you have a common point with Magneto!!!
Due to the violent, not to mention graphic, nature of what transpired next, we are unable to bring you the gory details. Suffice it to say, The Goddess Callisto does not take kindly to being referred to as pathetic or awkward, nor does she appreciate advice from made up fan fiction characters. When all was said and done not even the fire department was able to remove Rugal from the carpeting of the Cirran Post Office. However, mayor melissa did contact Martha Stewart and apparently a little soda water ought to do the trick.
hey goddess Callisto
I um.... wanted to know if you know were I could get some ambrosia I want to be a evil physco goddess just like you
nina err Callisto wanna be
Dear wanna be,
First, it will take a lot more than a little slice of ambrosia to make you, or anyone else for that matter, as malicious I am. You think I just woke up one day and decided to fight for the dark side? No way sister! It takes years of festering hate, rage, and pain to perfect the level of blood lust that I have. Secondly, how many times do I have to tell you people?! I am NOT psychotic, I AM MERELY MISUNDERSTOOD!!! (Deep breath) now, where was I? Oh yes, nobody gets any ambrosia - there can be only one blood thirsty Ambrosia Goddess. Well, and Velasca.
The Goddess
Dear Goddess,
I admire you so much! Hope you kill everyone who stands in your way of controlling the world. I am at your command! I some questions.(1) When do ya think you'll kill Xena? (2) Can I kill some people who think you suck? I need permission.
Your humble worshiper,
Dear Jessie,
Now, you - I like. Just one little tiny nit. NEVER QUESTION ME?! I will kill Xena when I'm good and ready. Ya got that? Oh and sure feel free to kill those I think "suck."
GC
I feel like Ned Flanders calling Rev. Lovejoy at an impromptu moment, but this is urgent. I am currently giving a dental examination that would ruin a lesser
mortal in a second, and my patient appears to be a masochist. I've put barbed-wire baraces on him and everything! I've never had this problem before...
Oh my God...he's smiling and asking for more. I think I'm gonna be sick...
Dr. Heresy
What have I told you about practicing dentistry on yourself? Now put the instruments away and get to your next patient, Pronto!
-The Goddess
GC: Hey Mallboy! Heresy would like to talk to you. It has recently come to my attention that your Cirran Chief of Police, Chief
Jeff, has been rather remiss in submitting timely and consistent police reports.
Given that he should be doing this to honor you, and that I enjoy smacking him
around, do you think recourse to physical violence is appropriate at this time?
What would you recommend as the most effective way to take this up with lawboy?
Sincerely,
First, and I don't do this often but, my condolences on...
MM: Hey! I'm not going to type that!
GC: (unsheathing her dagger)
MM: (continues typing)
...your unfortunate biological relationship. It's bad enough that the twins have infested Cirra, but to know that they have actual real life connections is simply tragic. Now as to the question at hand, one can never go wrong with physical vio...wait a second! Why have I never seen *you* in Cirra? Hmmm?
At this point the Goddess Callisto vanishes. Somewhere in the distance a biosis screams. If only she had lived in Cirra, Trancer and two firefighters might have been able to revive her in 45 minutes. It's sad really.
Dear Goddess
We here at the Mercenary Legion of Cirra would like to formally ask Ms. Monson
and Ms. Trancer on date...
JA: Damn it Bengali! Get out of here!(chases mercenary out of room)
B: (on the run) Come on Goddess, I've been good!
The General proceeds to chase Bengali out of the barracks, sword drawn...
The bard respectfully declines. As does her twin.
The Goddess
MM: You know Goddess we can speak for ourselves.
GC: (cold stare)
MM: or not.
Actually I was wondering about your opinion. 1) Do you think Ares looks good? 2) What are your plans later on?
Thanks!!
1) Love is a trick that nature plays, to get us to reproduce.
The Goddess
Dear Warrior Queen who I admire,
Do you think Ares looks good? Oh, yeah, why did you have to kill Strife on that Herc episode?
Nikita
Persistent thing aren't you? Ok, don't tell my bard but, yes I'd say Ares looks good? He'd look even better with my sword rammed through him, but alas *sigh* what's a Goddess to do? Kill Strife, I guess.
The Goddess
Dear Pseudo-Goddess...
Here's a copy of some advice you gave a follower recently:
(snip previous message)
It may surprise you to learn that I am not a proponent of
machine gun use. I find them to be a rather impersonal
method of destruction. While guns are effective, they do
not produce the same level of satisfaction that one gets
when killing with a blade, a chakram, fire, or by dropping
an irritating bard onto a collection of spikes.
(end message)
It occurs to me that this sounds *AWFULLY* alike to a statement
originally made by a *real* Goddess not too long ago to
the Amazonian Pretender Princess (that little bardic chick).
Oh, I would think you remember it since she said it at the
time that YOU STOLE HER AMBROSIA!!!!!
Admit it! You're a FRAUD who not only has to steal your source
of power, but even your damn LINES!!!
Call baby, catharsis is the first step in the healing process.
It's time for you to admit to your delusioned followers that
you're not what you appear to be.
MM: (evil grin)
GC: Here piggy, piggy, piggy....
When will you, mighty Goddess, allow to purchase some
Callistolite related stuff ? And where ?
(Please excuse this bad English, it's hard to speak this
idiom for continental mortals.)
The Goddess
Oh, my goddess, this is Rugal, a new and proud CRS member.
The main question I wanted to ask is :
Do you appreciate Darksun as Melissa does ?
For more information on Darksun, ask Melissa but I have to
tell you that he's as powerful and lethal as you are
(well, that you are as you became a goddess).
Thanks goddess, have a nice eternity ...
Your Rugal, official biographer of Darksun, the
Chaos Gatekeeper.
MM: Hey I didn't make him up. Don't blame me.
GC: excuse me?
MM: (whimper)
Rugal, you poor pathetic misguided fool, no body is a lethal as I am.
GC: Isn't that write bard?
MM: (Just her lips from across the room) Yes Goddess.
Dear Callisto,
I haven't seen you on the very much this season! I notice that you are in an
upcoming episode, and I was curious as to your future parts this season .How
about a spin-off show?
Due to the fact that your are by far the most ruthless and attractive character
on the show ( a lethal combination) I believe it's about time you take matters
into your own hands. Any comments?
The Goddess.
Oh Godess!
I've been keeping close tabs on the stars,
I've been doing all sorts of charts and consultations to
the oracles, but still I can't find the answer to my
question, and you are my last hope.
Where and when (if ever) is the 5th twin going to show up??
Will that be the end of the CRS and New Cirra as we know
them??
Sleepless in New Cirra
Dear Sleepless,
Well this really is two questions now isn't it? I believe the rules were rather clear on this matter, one question per letter. (fiddling with her dagger) (coyly) What to do? What to do? (draws her dagger) (evil grin) (hears Melissa's voice in her head: be nice) (why did Melissa sound like Xena?)
At this point the Goddess Vanishes. And in a totally unrelated event (Goddess assures you) Melissa lurches forward as if smacked in the back of the head by an invisible hand.
(Goddess rematerializes)
Let's see now where was I? A fifth twin? Well if there is another one out there - Hades Forbid - things will never be same. I don't even think Gene and a whole team of psychoanalysts could prepare Cirra for such a tragic event.
MM: Hey! I heard that.
GC: So?
The Goddess.
Dear Goddess,
If some pathetic man falls down in the forest and no
one is around to hear it, did he make a sound?
I don't know, did you?
The Goddess
Dear goddess,
If you were ever given a machine gun that never runs out of bullets,
what would you do?
sincerely,
Dear machine gun owner,
It may surprise you to learn that I am not a proponent of machine gun use. I find them to be a rather impersonal method of destruction. While guns are effective, they do not produce the same level of satisfaction that one gets when killing with a blade, a chakram, fire, or by dropping an irritating bard onto a collection of spikes. Heck, even lightening bolts are more exhilarating, what with the smell of charred flesh wafting through the air. Now I know what you are thinking, Gun Power also has a certain sweet aroma about it, but lets face it, it's not the same as starring down your victims and feeling the life drain from their bodies as their blood spills down your hand.
(((At this point the Goddess lapses into a bloodthirsty warlord haze and her bard was forced to finish the message, well you know, after Trancer and the firemen had been called.)))
You must learn to stop, slow down, and savor the agony of every life taken.
(((GC: That would make an excellent Cirran Fortune Cookie proverb. MM: thanks, I'll tell Matt.)))
The Goddess
Dear Goddess:
I've had this strange feeling for the last few weeks as I've gone about my daily business in New Cirra... particularly at the Temple, in the Mall, around the Firehouse and... well, when I was at the Police Station after that ugly grapefruit and ironing board incident I'd rather not discuss out in the open. Anyway, Gene's been trying to reassure me at my therapy and all... but still, I'm feeling sort of... how can I put this... "odd".
Am I about to be assimilated?
Odd Man Out in Cirra
Dear Odd little Man,
Hades! Let's hope not. The four Oddity Twins we have are trouble enough without there being more just lying around, will nill.
(((At this point the Bard interupts the Goddess. MM: Don't you know how many twins are *just* lying around...will nill? After-all you were the one responsible for our being tossed to the four winds. GC: (blank stare) You're just never going to let that go, are you? (sigh) Anyway I forgot. MM: You forgot?! GC: (shrug) )))
You might want to pay an extra vist to Gene this week, just in case.
The Goddess
Dear Callisto
Recently I have attracted the attention of an irritating bard. She follows me everywhere. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get rid of the brat. What shall I do?
GoW
Dear Ares,
Tell Melissa to get her hinder home.
Callisto
Dear Goddess
I can't seem to get the blood stains out of my sword. I have tried everything....polish, cloth, stones, even tried to scrap it off with my own hand. Unfortunately, that just resulted in more stain. Normally I wouldn't bother you with such trivial problems but I go to battle in the morning and as I am sure you know, blood baths are so much more enjoyable when one has a fresh uniform, a new dagger, and a shiny sword. What shall I do?
Desperate in Cirra
Dear Desperate.
Two words: Soda Water.
The Goddess
Dear Goddess,
I am a poor struggling bard, er I mean college student, scheduled to graduate in the near future. But my boss is a mean ruthless Godde...er I mean warlo...uhm....I mean person and she continually monopolizes my time with trivial tasks and boring details. She constantly berates me in front of my peers and has been known to inflict mental, if not bodily, harm upon me at every opportunity. While I love my Godde..boss, sometime it might be nice if she would cut me some slack, be a little more understanding - caring even. I would like to tell her these things but fear the reprisals. What shall I do?
Disparaged in Cirra.
Shut-up Pissant.
Dear Callisto
Recently I have attracted the attention of an irritating bard. She follows me everywhere. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get rid of the brat. What shall I do?
Stalked on Olympus.
Dear Aphrodite
Tell Melissa to get her hinder home.
Callisto
The sweetish chef
GC
/mm
Sarah
GC:
Bard-Boy of Cirra, member of the Trio of Terror, and Twin-in-training
Dear Curious,
Jessie
Dear Heresy,
Dear Goddess,
Chief Jeff's biosis (admitted only because no one believes my denials--we look
too much alike)
Dear biosis,
Dear pissant(s),
Nikita
Dear Nikita,
2) see number 1
Dear Nikita,
GC: Bard, where did you say Joxer Jr lives again?
There are currently several merchandise related web sites around the Internet where various items of worship may be purchased. You will be allowed to make these purchases after you recover from making the grave error of using my given name.
GC: Bard! Who the Tartarus is Darksun? And where does he get off claiming to be as powerful, let alone as lethal as I am? Hmmm?
First, NEVER call me Callisto. You aren't worthy. Second, you will have to take the matter of a spin-off up with Hudson Lieck. She is the actress that plays me on -HELLO!- television. Third, thank you, yes I am a lethal combination. Fourth, if I want your advise...well I won't. And finally, no comment.
the owner of a machine gun that never runs out of bullets
/mm
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