Episode Review

When we last left the Goddess and her bard, the Goddess had made an executive decision regarding the viewing of Armageddon Now II - namely, the bard was NOT to watch it. And so dear Cirrans we are afraid we will not be able to bring you the exciting conclusion to AN (part 1), we can only assume that the Goddess in her usual warlord like fashion kicked hinder and destroyed the day.

oh who are we kidding....like the bard ever listens to anything she's told.

MM: (hiding under the blankets...ok it was the hay...with a small flash light and a Sony watchman)

(((Callisto's fire ball misses Alcmene because Iolaus pushes her out of the way)))

MM: Whaaa?! Those dirty birds. That's not the way it happened at all. (chill runs down the bard's spine) (cringe) Goddess?

GC: Yeeeees.

MM: just checking.

*THWACK*

Trancer: (from the bard's closet) GREAT!

45 minutes later Trancer returns to the closet.

GC: (blank stare)

MM: don't ask.

GC: did I just see Geek in there?

MM: was she crispy?

GC: *snicker* Come on bard, lets go watch this down stairs.

MM: I thought you said I couldn't watch.

GC: You've already seen the worst of it. Well except for the part where Hercules traps me in the vortex.

MM: Eeeep! Spoilers! La la la la la la (covers ears)

GC: (closes eyes - deep breath) (teleports herself and the bard downstairs where the big screen is)

(((Callisto tracks down Iolaus & Alcmene, knocks Iolaus out of the way and prepares to kill Alcmene)))

MM: get her Goddess.

(((Iolaus sweeps Callisto's legs out from under her.)))

MM: (furrows brow)

(((Callisto laughs and disappears in a burst of flame)))

MM: oh - I get it! You were playing mind games with him.

GC: uh....yeah.

(((Herc and the Sovereign)))

GC: You know what to do.

MM: (fast forward)

(((Alcmene: "This is all too strange, I can't deal with it. I'm going home.)))

MM: what? Hello - Known World to Alcmene. There are no time outs in this game.

(((Fire ball shoots from the sky landing several feet from it's target)))

MM: nice aim.

*ping*

(((Callisto: "Give it up Iolaus. You can't save her." Alcmene: "She is after me.")))

MM: (blank stare) uhm...Duh.

GC: She never was the sharpest sword in the sheath.

)))FF -- ) Herc and Sovereign

(((Callisto: (sniff sniff) "I can smell you.")))

MM: That's just gross.

GC: he never was one much for bathing.

(((Iolaus stands under the water tower)))

MM: oh right Iolaus - like she's that stup--

(((Callisto shoots a fire ball at Iolaus)))

MM: --id. (blink)

(((Iolaus jumps out of the way and the fire ball takes out the tower. Water rushes down the hill. Sadly, Callisto just stands there and the water knocks her on her hinder)))

MM: (blank stare) (slowly turns to look at Callisto) (heavy sigh) (slowly turns back toward the television)

GC: I was -

MM: (holds up silencing hand) please.

GC: but -

MM: just - don't.

GC: (pout)

)))fast forward --- Herc and Sov

(((Alcmene: "How can a son of mine be a hero? He'll grow up with no father.")))

MM: Tell me she didn't just say that.

(((Callisto dries herself off with special-goddess effects)))

GC: pretty cool huh bard?

MM: seen it.

(((Iolaus explains to Alcmene: "And Hind's blood can kill a God. I know, I've seen it.")))

GC: (beam)

(((Iolaus attempts to get Callisto's attention: "Hey Cupcake!")))

DP!!!

GC: (drenched in bard nose spray) (blink)

MM: Sorry Cupcake.

GC: (scowl)

MM: (ruffles Callisto's hair)

In retrospect, the ruffling wasn't the wisest decision the bard ever made.

It would take Shadow and two archeologists 45 minutes to excavate Melissa from the carpeting.

(((Iolaus swipes the hind's blood pendant from Callisto.)))

MM: (frown) what were you on Goddess?

GC: H:TLJ.

MM: oh.

GC: exactly.

(((Iolaus dives into the hay. Callisto: "I do not have time for this.")))

MM: good girl.

*ping*

(((Callisto takes back the pendant)))

MM: Why don't you just kill him?

GC: (blank stare)

MM: I mean, it's not like you were holding out to kill his soul or anything.

GC: Let it go.

(((Callisto prepares to shoot a fireball at Alcheme: "You think I can hit it from here?")))

MM: I don't know Goddess - it is the broad side of a barn after all.

GC: (look of death)

MM: (whimper) too far?

GC: way.

(((Callisto blows up the barn)))

MM: Woo-hoo!

(((Iolaus: "I will find you Callisto.")))

MM: (LOL)

GC: (frown)

MM: oh.

(((Iolaus goes ahead in time.)))

GC & MM: (whisper) Cirra.

(((Outside a tent the path is lined half and fully dead bodies...Heads are on pikes)))

GC & MM: (whisper) Xena.

MM: (shakes head) Destroyer of Nations.

(((Xena is all DoN'ed out)))

*thud*

MM: uhm -- Goddess?

(((peasant gives Xena the Chronos stone and is rewarded with death. Xena: "Send his body back to the Kingdom, stick his head out there with the others.")))

MM: what is it with her and heads on pikes?

GC: well you see bard, she ...

MM: Rhetorical! (covers ears) la la la

GC: baby.

(((Callisto is in Cirra. She sees her mother. "Momma.")))

GC: That never happened.

(((Young Callisto makes an appearance)))

MM: What the hell happened to your eyes?

GC: I don't want to talk about it. And watch your language.

MM: nice dress.

*biff*

(((Callisto sees her father. "Daddy.")))

GC: oh please - that man is not my father.

(((Callisto pleads with her family to leave)))

MM: why don't you just zap them out of there?

GC: Not me - wasn't there - never happened.

MM: or take them by force?

GC: (twitch)

That can't be good.

(((Iolaus successfully keeps Xena from killing him.)))

MM: yeah right.

GC: (arching an eyebrow)

MM: (innocent smile)

(((Iolaus tries to convince Xena he knows her from the future. "Most people don't know about the birth mark on your..." Xena: "what can I say, I'm a legend.")))

MM: (pause)

*ping*

MM: Hey!

GC: you totally thought about it.

MM: (grin)

GC: hey!

(((Iolaus: "I know about your son, Solon." Xena: "nobody knows about Solon.")))

GC: *snicker*

MM: 8-0

GC: oh grow up.

(((Xena: "Get the women and the children out, we're gonna waste this town.")))

GC: way to rewrite history - stupid bards.

MM: (blank stare)

GC: oh uhm - offense intended.

MM: thanks.

GC: don't mention it.

(((Xena's soldiers burn down Cirra)))

GC: It was night time, Xena was there....

(((Callisto finds her mother and her younger self in a barn)))

GC: It was a house.

(((a mercenary attempts to take Callisto's mother, Callisto kills him. Callisto's father walks through the door and in blind protective haze Callisto flings her dagger at him - he dies.)))

(silence)

GC: Bard - get Liz on the phone.

(((Callisto's mother attacks her and the Goddess vaporizes her in flame.)))

GC: NOW!

I think we all said a little prayer for Liz that day.

Hey wait, producers don't write things....

GC: ...but their bards do. (vanish)

oops - sorry about that Mr Galloway.

(((Callisto to her younger self: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You have to die now, for both of us")))

MM: *sniffle sniff sniffle*

GC: (rematerializes) stop that - it's just a buncha made up lies.

(((Iolaus rescues young Callisto. "You know if you cry, it might help.")))

GC: huh. Never thought about that. You know he could be right.

MM: (blank stare) you mean to tell me, if you had just cried at Cirra everything would have been alright?

GC: read my lips - sarcasm. OF COURSE NOT! You think a few tears was going to bring back my family? NOT BLOODY LIKELY! (pause) Now (smiles sweetly) get out from under the table.

(((Iolaus goes ahead to the time of Xena: the Conqueror.)))

GC: give me a break.

(((Xena makes an appearance in full Conqueror regalia.)))

*thud*

GC: uhm....bard. (poke)

(((Gabrielle is brought out as a prisoner)))

MM: I see someone got a little carried away with the crimping iron.

GC: you like?

MM: not particularly, no. (suddenly finds herself with a do that'd be the envy of High School students everywhere - well you know, if it was 1985.)))

(((Xena: "what is her crime?" Gabrielle: "I spoke." Xena has her crucified.)))

MM: harsh. (suddenly finds herself strapped a giant cross)

GC: no talking. *giggle*

(((Xena: "break her legs.")))

MM: (eyes widen in horror) Goddess No! Auuuuuugggggggghhhhhh!

GC: Kinda like Deja vu all over again, eh hoppy? (BEG)

MM: (blank stare)(whimper)

GC: (ruffles the bard's hair)

MM: dude - that's just wrong.

(((Ares: "Xena. The sound of her name excites me. Cruel, heartless, merciless! Xeeennnaa!")))

GC: now there's a guy that gets it.

MM: so I hear.

GC: Oh precious - is someone a little grumpy today? Hmmmm?

MM: (full blown crimped hair, broken leg, strapped to a cross) (blank stare)

(((Iolaus steals the Chronos stone from Xena)))

GC: yeah right.

(((Herc makes a key to get out of the vortex)))

MM: go MacGyver.

(((Iolaus goes back in time and get Alcemene out of the barn just before Callisto hits it)))

GC: stupid meddler.

(((Callisto kicks Iolaus' hinder and destroys the Chronos stone)))

MM: It's about time.

GC: how's that?

MM: uh....nothing? (whistle)

(((Iolaus: "remember me? I saved you from the burring barn in Cirra.")))

GC: oh - *that's* what he meant.

(((Hercules shows up and fights with Callisto. Hercules steps on Callisto pinning her to the ground.)))

MM: Why don't you just vanish?

GC: No talking.

(((Herc picks up Callisto and tosses her into the Vortex.)))

GC: no thinking either.

MM: obviously.

GC: you are so dead.

Later....from the hospital (what can we say sometimes the Goddess is prone to exaggeration)

(((Iolaus: "What do we do with this? It's got Hind's blood on it." Hercules: "I've got an idea." Herc jams the dagger into the stone stairwell.)))

MM: Sure because you wouldn't want to just wash that stuff off in the river or anything.

Galloway: (from the hospital bed next to the bard) Nice hair.