GC: What's this one called bard?
MM: Callis...(bites down)...er...uhm..it's called uh...
GC: spit it out already!
MM: (slow evil grin forms)
GC: don't even think about it.
MM: I wasn't.
GC: (arching an eyebrow)
MM: ok maybe a little.
GC: well stop that and put the tape in.
MM: (phew, that was close) ok.
(((Preview: Xena has never faced this evil before...A maniacal masquerade...Forces a showdown...to-the-death.)))
GC: how come you never write stuff like that?
MM: (blank stare)
(((Village is being sacked by Callisto's army.)))
GC: Those were some good times, eh bard?
MM: I wasn't there Goddess.
GC: oh.
(((Theodorus is about to kill an elderly woman)))
GC: (whispers) Theodorus. (sigh) (wiping moisture from her eye) (muttering) damn dust.
MM: If you say so.
GC: (glare)
MM: er...I mean, damn dust.
GC: watch your mouth.
((Callisto stops Theodorus from killing the old woman: "You old Crone..." )))
MM: Such a word smith you are.
GC: That better not be sarcasm.
MM: I mean, Such a word smith you are!
GC: thanks.
(((Callisto: "I'm Xena: Warrior Princess." Evil laugh)))
GC: Pretty good, eh bard.
MM: not bad.
GC: Not bad?! Please, that was perfect.
MM: whatever.
GC: what do you mean, whatever? (sneer)
MM: Well, to be quite frank, your Destroyer of Nations impression could use a little work.
GC: (not amused)
MM: Hudson pulls it off beautifully, but you..well, not so much.
GC: (in her best Xena impersonation) You don't want to make me mad, now do you?
MM: Yeah yeah, very passive aggressive. You got the attitude down fine, it's the voice, the tone, and the inflection...you...could...uh... You're going to hurt me now, aren't you?
GC: (innocent smile) What do you think?
MM: (whimper)
GC: (catching a glimpse of Gabrielle) Wait! go back. What in the Tartarus is she wearing? That has got to be the worst one yet! By Hades where does the brat do her shopping?
MM: (sigh)(here it comes.)
GC: here what comes?
MM: Aren't you going to...
GC: IN THAT THING?! Nobody, not even you my bard, deserves that kind of torture.
MM: It's because you would have to be seen with me, isn't it?
GC: Why Melissa I am shocked. You know I always have your best interests at heart. (bats her eyelashes) How was that?
MM: Fine. (muttering) you didn't even crack a smile that time.
(((Melas "Why does every traveler between here and Corneth have a story about Xena?)))
GC: (guilty grin) (----ok who are we kidding Goddess is beaming with pride.
(((Guest Star Hudson Leick)))
GC: Hey! Hudson is in this.
MM: (slowly turns and looks at Callisto, oy vey, then looks back at the television)
GC: What?
MM: nothing.
GC: no really, what?
MM: Just who did you think was playing you in the village pillaging scene?
GC: (blank stare) shut up.
(((Xena and Gabrielle walk toward the village, with Argo in tow)))
GC: Don't they ever ride that horse?
(((Melas attacks Xena, Xena subdues him and ties him to a tree)))
MM: She sure does like to tie people up, doesn't she Goddess?
GC: ::blush:: (flicks Melissa in the ear)
MM: What? What did I say?
(((Gabby: "Goodbye Melas. I hope you find peace.")))
GC: oh gag.
(((Villagers are crucified on crosses)))
MM: (gasp) Goddess!
GC: It was war, what did you expect?
MM: but those are innocent villagers.
GC: (blank stare) Sometime you make no sense at all.
(((Callisto catches Xena's chakram. "You want it? Come and get it.")))
GC: (giggle) did you see the look on her face?
MM: Yes Goddess, I did.
GC: I took her...
MM: ...round killing thing, I know.
GC: chakram.
MM: bless you.
GC: No. The round killing thing is call.... (DoH!) Stop that.
MM: (inward smile)
(((Callisto and Xena joust. One of Callisto's soldiers hands Xena a pole)))
GC: What the! Oh buddy, you're going to pay for that.
MM: He died centuries ago.
GC: He's got descendants doesn't he?
MM: I suppose so.
GC: Well then? Hades, bard! Must I spell everything out for you?
(((X and C knock each other off the horses w/ poles)))
MM: (stifling a giggle)
GC: what's so funny?
MM: Nothing Goddess, it's just that you're using a bard's weapon. (lol)
GC: It's for jousting.
MM: A rose by any other name is still a r....
It took Trancer and two firemen 45 minutes to reanimate the bard.
(((C: "She put her touch on you? Then she let you go with some stupid message, something heroic about stopping me, huh?. Oh...oh...Xena I can call your every move.")))
MM: why Goddess, you sound positively giddy.
GC: do not.
(((Joxer: "Warrior Queen forgive my intrusion." C: "Warrior Queen. I like that.")))
MM: (with disgust) You let Joxer call you...
GC: (look of death)
MM: (clamps mouth shut)
(((C: "You know who Xena is right? She travels with someone..." J: "an irritating little blonde, I know." C: "Yes, her name is Gabrielle. You bring her to me and you may join my legion as a warrior.")))
MM: (with alarm) Joxer came up with the irritating blonde thing?! AND you were going to let him join your legion?!
GC: He had to prove himself, it's not like I was just going to...
MM: (interrupting) I'm sorry Goddess, but that's just wrong.
GC: look bard even an idiot such as...
MM: ought-ought-ought... (makes eye contact with Callisto) Wrong.
GC: but...
MM: no. Just wrong.
GC: (muttering) well she was irritating.
(((Callisto kisses the chakram w/ a little too much enthusiasm for our comfort)))
GC: here hold this.
MM: I don't think so. (drops watermelon onto the floor and backs away)
GC: wimp.
(((Gabrielle and Xena chat by the campfire. X: "It was just another village to conquer. Nothing out of the ordinary. A fire broke out, I don't know if it was one of my men or just an accident...)))
GC: (scoffing) Just. It was *just* my family, that's all.
((("...but there was a strong wind and those flames just swept through that town like a wave of death. But the people were huddled in their houses because they were afraid of my army. That was one time my army was responsible for the death of women and children.")))
MM: What? She never heard of water? (voice cracking)
(((A tear rolls down Xena's face.))) A simultaneous tear rolls down the face of Callisto and her bard.
((( "And there were just a handful of survivors, obviously Callisto was one of them.")))
MM: (muttering) Obviously.
(((Callisto disguised as the Oracle removes the chakram from her robes, Xena hears it)))
MM: So now she's the bionic woman?
GC: (blank stare)
(((The chase is on! Xena chases Callisto on horseback)))
MM: Why didn't you just get off and fight her in hand to hand combat?
GC: Don't question me.
(((Xena captures Callisto, pins her to the ground and ties her hands behind her back)))
GC: Shut up pissant.
MM: What? I didn't say a word.
GC: yeah well, shut up anyway.
At this point, much to the annoyance of the Goddess, Melissa starts speaking Callisto's lines along with her.
(((C: "oh the good Xena. What happened to you? One day you just decided to fight for justice?)))
GC: stop that.
(((C: "and all the shattered people you left behind, we're suppose to cheer you, is that it?)))
GC: I said stop it.
(((C: "Well that makes all the difference. And now we can be the best of friends...")))
GC: BARD! Don't you dare!
MM: (spits) That's what I think of your apology.
Time stopped, quite literally we are afraid.
It took Trancer and two firemen 45 minutes to revive the bard and it took Alwheaties and two surgeons another 45 to reconnect her saliva glands.
(((Callisto escapes from a burning jail cell. On her way out of the village she scoops up Gabrielle))
MM: (LOL) That looked ridiculous.
GC: (blank stare)
MM: not you Goddess, I mean the production.
GC: (blank stare)
MM: The stunt people.... (ugh).... never mind.
(((Melas says: Gabrielle was right. She said my hate would lead to others being hurt.)))
GC: Duh. That's the whole point of hate, you moron.
(((Gabby is hanging over some bone spikes)))
GC: (peaks at Melissa out of the corner of her eye) (smile)
MM: (heavy sigh) I'll get the rope.
(((Callisto to Gabby: "I share your respect for Xena's abilities...")))
MM: (shouting down from above) I heard that!
GC: No you didn't.
(((Callisto orders Joxer: "Do her!")))
MM: Sweet mother of Zeus! What did you just say?!
GC: Not *that* kind of do her.
MM: oh.
(((Callisto tells Theodorus to light the rope on fire)))
MM: How Batman and Robin of you Goddess.
GC: (blank stare) (lights a match)
MM: HEY! Stop that! (blows out the match)
(((Xena and Callisto fight. Callisto knocks Xena on her face)))
MM: Good one Goddess!
(((Callisto watches Xena set up the ladders)))
MM: What did you just stand there for?
GC: (lights another match)
(((Xena cuts the rope with her chakram and Callisto is flipped off the ladder)))
MM: Perhaps if you would eat something you wouldn't be so .... uhm, that wasn't out loud was it?
(((Callisto lets the rope burn through, Xena catches it, saving Callisto's life)))
MM: why didn't you just let go of the rope?
GC: stop questioning me.
(((Gabby: "I'm glad you saved Callisto...")))
MM: (me too)
At this point the rope burns through dropping the bard to her certain death...well, if Callisto hadn't caught the rope that is.
MM: (inward smile)
GC: stop that.
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