Melissa was busy cleaning her apartment when an unexpected guest arrived. Tho why she should be unexpected is beyond comprehension. HELLO Bard, buy a clue!
GC: Boo!
MM: Ugh! (trips over the coffee table)
GC: (Catches the bard before she cracks her noggin against the TV screen)
MM: Thanks Goddess, that was a close one.
GC:: I'll say, you could have hurt the TV.
MM: (mutters) I love you too.
GC:: of course. Now look here bard, I have something very important to ask you. Do you still have those boot-legged copies of Xena:Destroyer of Nations?
MM: Uh.....
GC:: Good. I am feeling a bit nostalgic. Put it on. Oh and bard, if you tell anyone about this...
MM: I won't Goddess, I swear it.
GC:: What's this one called?
MM: The Furies.
GC: I like it already.
(((The Furies dance around the Temple, rather erotically I might add)))
GC: I always wondered what Ares did in his spare time.
MM: Yeah he's a real hottie.
GC: (blank stare) why bard, I am shocked. The god of war?
MM: Kevin Smith
GC: Been there, done that.
MM: (blank stare)
GC: God of war.
MM: oh. Hey! What do you think of the Furies outfits?
GC: why?
MM: I was just....
GC: No.
(((The Furies prepare to judge Xena for her crimes)))
GC: It's about time somebody judged Xena! What are they judging her for again?
MM: Don't you remember? You were there.
GC: Lava pit.
MM: oh yeah.
(((The fates turn their thumbs upside down, thus condemning Xena to madness)))
GC: (shudder) That's it. No more Siskel and Ebert for you bard.
(((Xena and Gabrielle betting on a foot race)))
GC: Why do you never make me pastries with red stuff in the middle?
MM: Do I look like a cook?
GC: You could. Just one well placed match and poof.
MM: No, do I LOOK like a cook, not do I cook.
(((Gabby takes three giant steps forward)))
GC: I always knew she was a cheat.
(((Xena unsheathes her sword)))
GC: SWEET MOTHER OF ZEUS! She's going to kill...oh, rats just some bounty hunters.
(((Xena spins her Chakram on her finger)))
GC:I could do that. What did she call her bard? Maevis?
MM: I think so.
GC: Well Maevis, I love this story! It makes Xena look like the complete fool that she is!
MM: She's having a really bad hair day too.
GC: (blank stare)
(((A naked Xena threatens women and children)))
MM: Uhm Goddess...
GC:No.
MM: But...
GC:I said no.
(((Xena apologies)))
GC: Oh sure she apologies to them. Like that is suppose to make all the difference.
MM:(please don't spit)
GC: (spits) That's what I think of your apology Xena.
MM: (wiping goddess spittle off my glasses) Here comes my favorite part.
(((Xena attacks Callisto who turns out to be Gabby)))
GC: *THAT* is your favorite part? She thought the bard was me? How insulting.
MM: (inward smile)
(SMACK)
GC: Why would Hudson do that to me?
MM: She didn't.
GC: Look bard, I'm not blind. That was Hudson right?
MM: Well yes, but it was stock footage.
GC: (blank stare) her feet were not in stocks.
MM: No, stock footage, it mea...
GC: I heard you the first time bard. Gods sometimes you make no sense at all. I think Xena has the right idea here.
MM:But she's tying up her bard.
GC: Exactly.
MM: (whimper)
GC: So let me get this straight. Xena's mom killed her father because he came home drunk one night and threatened to kill the little brat.
MM: (Mumbling)
GC: How's that? Oops! Silly me. (removes the gag)
MM: (scowl) Xe...er the destroyer of nations didn't gag her bard Goddess! She just bound her.
GC: (blank stare)
MM: Yes, Cyrene killed the destroyer of nations father.
GC: So is Ares the father or not? Hades, this is more confusing than Days of Our Lives. (grows visibly frustrated) So is Stephano a God? Or has Tartarus grown that lax in the past thousand years? I mean how many times can the guy come back from the dead already!
MM: I told you not to watch that any more.
GC: I don't.
MM: (nobody ever does)
GC: What was that?
MM: Nothing.
(((Xena and Ares fight)))
GC: oh yeah right, like she could beat the God of War.
MM: Maybe he is her father.
GC: Don't you think if she was a demi-God we would have seen her lurking around the known world? Or at least the 7-11?
MM: 7-11 Goddess?
GC: Yes, for those little pastries. Pay attention.
MM: Maybe Ares let her win.
GC: Turn it off. I've seen enough.
(((click)))
GC: You know what my favorite part was?
MM: When Xena tied up her bard?
GC: (blank stare)
MM: When the destroyer of nations tied up her bard?
GC: no.
MM: When she used her as a shield?
GC: No, but that was good. It was when she called her a pissant.
MM: actually it was a ‘useless pissant'.
GC: I like that term, pissant. I think I will incorporate it.
MM: Wouldn't that be like copying your worst enemy.
GC: (blank stare) Shut up you little pissant.
MM: (it just gets better and better)
GC: What was that?
MM: (whimper)
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