Episode Review

MM: So how long were you stuck in that vortex?
GC: Not long.
MM: Was it scary in there?
GC: Kind of. I was all alone. *sigh* Trapped in my hatred.
MM: (takes Callisto's hand) It's ok Goddess.

GC: BARD! (kicks melissa awake)

MM: (mutter) go away.

GC: (blank stare) are we shooting for broken ribs today or what?

MM: (sits up, spits straw out of her mouth) morning Goddess.

GC: The Season ender for Xena just arrived today.

See - and you all thought waiting for the WGN coverage was painful. (g)

GC: before we watch it I need to warn you....

MM: NO!

GC: (blank stare)

MM: I uh...I mean, no spoilers Goddess, you know how I hate that.

GC: (pondering) (EG)

MM: please. (little Hercules eyes)

GC: (BEG)

MM: (Gabrielle face)

GC: (mutter) oh alright. Just put the tape in.

(((Callisto forces the Vortex open and escapes)))

MM: Way to Go Goddess!!!

GC: (beam)

(((Callisto prepares to fry a pig)))

MM: *gasp*

(((she changes her mind and lets the pig go)))

MM: (smile)

GC: shut up.

(((Drums beating, scantly clad women dance around)))

GC: are you sure you got the right tape?

(((Xena to Gabrielle: "Can you see your friend?")))

GC: figures she'd have friends like that.

MM: yeah....

GC: (arch eyebrow)

(((Priests produce a mask with straw hair)))

MM: (LOL) It looks like Hope. Well you know, before she got all crispy.

GC: *snicker*

From somewhere in Melissa's closet, Geek curses: "stupid bard." Yeah that's a curse, what'd you expect this is New Cirra not South Park.

(((Seraphin puts on the mask and climbs a ladder-tower thingamajig. The Priest perpares to kill her when Xena steps in)))

MM: So much for freedom of Religion.

(((Callisto appears and slices the Priest that Xena was chasing's throat open. Xena doesn't look pleased)))

GC: She's just mad because she wanted to do it her self. Well first come first serve, I always say.

MM: (mumble) tell me about it.

GC: (looks at the bard) (grin) You snooze, you loose.

MM: Now that's an ugly rumor. I may be a little slow, but I never fell asleep.

(((Gabrielle: "I can't believe that she'd be a worshiper of Callisto's.")))

MM: wait - you told me I was your first.

GC: I also have ocean front property in Kanass, if you are interested.

MM: what does the price of land in the midwest have to do with anything - stop changing the subject, was she or wasn't she your worshiper?

GC: How should I know - it was hundreds of years ago. I can't be expected to remember everyone one of my worshipers can I?

MM: There were that many?

GC: (g) er I mean...no of course not. (whistle)

(((Gabreille: "do you think it's possible that Callisto could end up like the other Gods? With temples and followers?)))

GC: (bg)

MM: hey there's no ocean in Kansas.

GC: (why me?)

(((Callisto to Hope: "Hello, Pumpkin. Your Auntie Callisto's brought you a little treat.")))

MM: (little goofy grin)

GC: not that.

MM: oh.

(((Callisto: "It's what you wanted isn't it? They called him the...the...Priest of the Flesh. Now, Shall I carve or will you?")))

MM: I thought you said it wasn't that.

GC: (slowly turns to look at Melissa) freak.

(((Ares)))

MM: (smile)

*thwack*

MM: sorry I forgot - we hate him.

(((Ares to Xena about Callisto: "Looks like the new kid on the block wants to create her own Dynasty)))

GC: Knots Landing maybe but Dynasty? I think not.

MM: You were a New Kid on the Block?

GC: (blank stare)

MM: I'm just asking.

GC: (maybe I can put an ad in the paper - bard wanted, brain preferred. Oh gods who am I kidding...where am I gonna find a combination like that?)

MM: because I remember Donny and Marky...no wait Marky wasn't a New Kid...

GC: (twitch)

(((Ares: "I don't suppose she happened to be wearing a penant at all?")))

MM: yeah, what happened to that anyway?

GC: I don't want to talk about it.

MM: You lost it, didn't you?

GC: (mumble) stupid poker.

MM: alright Goddess, come clean. How many dinars did you lose?

GC: oh we weren't playing for money.

MM: Then how did you lose you the necklace?

GC: (blank stare)

MM: oh. OH!

(((Ares: "Callisto is not a true God.")))

MM: blaspheme.

(((Ares: "Once she gets an army of worshippers and conquers the world, what then?" Xena: "Then she's comin' after you.")))

GC: go Goddess!

(((More dancing women)))

MM: They sort of look like Amazons.

GC: I always wondered what all that strange music was coming from Pandora's tree house. (pause) Bard - stay away from your sister, she ain't right.

(((The sacrificee turns out to be Xena not Seraphin.)))

MM: Right, like Xena isn't a good foot taller Seraphin. Hello people - pay attention.

(((Callisto materializes and begins chatting with Xena.)))

MM: flirtatious much?

GC: I am sure I have no idea what you mean.

(((Callisto draws her sword: "You know, it's funny that I keep this thing around. I don't really need it. It's just for decoration. And for fun." )))

MM: I recognize forplay when I see it Goddess.

GC: Do you see golf clubs?

MM: no.

GC: well then?

MM: (blank stare)

GC: (sometimes it's just too easy.)

(((Callisto shoots a fire ball at Xena, but the DoN leaps out of the way and the projectile slams into Ares instead, temporarily setting his chest hair on fire.)))

DP!!!

GC: (blank stare) (bard nose spray dripping down her face)

MM: here let me get that for ya. (spits on a tissue)

GC: do it and die.

(((Gabrielle: "You want to be sacrificed to the temple of Callisto. Well, It's not going to happen." Seraphin: "Who's Callisto?")))

MM: What? Has she been living under a rock?

GC: *biff*

MM: hey!

GC: lay off the rock metaphores.

MM: It wasn't so much a metaphore as a...

*biff*

(((Xena: "this isn't about Callisto, it's about something else.")))

MM: boy, she's quick.

GC: How would you know?

MM: Tabloids.

(((Xena: "Hope is gathering a following."))

MM: Goddess were you one of Hope's followers?

GC: no.

MM: Because it sure seems like where ever Hope goes, there you ---

Sometimes the Bard just doesn't know when to shut up.

GC: Thank Sears for Duct Tape, right Bard?

MM: (just her eyes through a tiny hole in the ball of duct tape) (glare)

(((Xena to Seraphin: "Your Goddess killed my child.")))

GC: Excuse me I believe she had a little help.

(((Gabrielle: "It's ok to be angry." Xena: No, it's not. Anger clouds the mind. It prevents focus.")))

MM: (I know someone that must have missed that lesson.) (peers at Callisto through the tape)

GC: I can read your mind, you know.

(((Priest to Callisto: "Wait! This is a place of rebirth -- The Cave of the Sister Peaks. This is where the Goddess is.")))

MM: (just who do you think is dragging you, moron.)

GC: not me, Hope. Hades bard, will you stop thinking for five seconds - having your thoughts in my head is more annoying than if I just let you speak.

(((Ares: "I am Ares God of war! I will not end up some footnote in the annals of history!")))

MM: (how about an end note?)

GC: That's it! (rips the duct tape off the bard's mouth)

MM: AAAAaaaauuuuuuuUUUUGGGGGH! (scowl)

GC: problem?

MM: oh no, I didn't need that skin on my lips anyway.

(((unknown entity appears before Ares)))

MM: who's that?

GC: Don't you mean *what* is that?

MM: No, who's that.

GC: Hello bard, it's fire. Fire is clearly a what. And you've been in school for how long? I guess now we know why.

MM: (Elysian fields calm and green....)

(((Gabrielle talking to Seraphin: "Do you remember the river near your house?"

MM: Is this really the best time to reminisce?

(((Gabby: "Your parents used to get so upest at us for swimming there.")))

MM: That's kinda strict.

GC: It was probably the drinking water.

(((Gabby: "and we would nod our heads and we'd say, ‘oh we'll never do it again.' But we'd go and do it.")))

GC: (mutter) that sounds familar.

MM: I am sure I have no idea what you mean.

GC: don't question me.

MM: (nod) Oh I'll never do it again.

GC: cute.

MM: thanks.

GC: (mutter)

(((Gabrielle: "I just can't believe that you'd blindly follow Dahak.")))

GC: Hmmm. Seems a little like the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't you say bard?

MM: Gabrielle doesn't follow Dahak.

GC: No, but she certainly follows a bloodlust filled warlord.

MM: oh I see. So what does that make me? The frying pan?

(((Callisto tells the Priest to ask Hope if she understands why she's protecting her.)))

MM: why were you?

GC: prehaps now would be a good time for you to leave the room.

MM: What? I can handle it.

GC: We'll see.

(((Priest: "you want to die?")))

MM: Wha?

(((Callisto: "more than that. I want oblivion. I want my life to end. I want it all to stop. No nothing. No memories, no Tartarus, Nothing!")))

MM: (singing) you can't always get what you want.

*biff*

GC: I said no rock metaphors.

(((Xena: "That's the funny thing about people. Just when you think you've got them figured out, they show a side completely different to their character.")))

GC: THAT is the funny thing?

MM: Not funny, Ha-ha. Funny strange.

GC: How is that strange? It seems like human nature to me. The more you get to know someone the more comfortable you feel around them, the more comfortable you feel the more likely you are to drop your front stage behavior and expose different facets of....

MM: Goddess have you been in my George Herbet again?

GC: I am sure I have no idea what you mean.

MM: I see, merely exposing facets then, are we?

GC: I don't see how that is any of your business.

(((Priest to Callisto: "You should have told us you didn't eat. We wouldn't have brought back so much. If we were immortal, we would still like to eat all k--")))

GC: Gods you remind me of him, rambling on and on and on...

MM: You never told me you didn't eat.

GC: you don't remind me of him that much.

MM: (blank stare)

GC: Hang in there, you'll get it.

(((Callisto: "quiet! We've got a vistor.")))

MM: what's wrong with you Goddess? You sound postively giddy at the DoN's intrusion.

GC: Do not. (snicker)

(((Callisto: "What is this, some kind of martyrdom phase you're going through? I could kill you in an instant.")))

MM: (yeah right)

GC: how's that?

MM: get her Goddess. (smile)

GC: That's what I thought.

(((Xena hacks off Callisto's hand, but it regenerates.)))

MM: Kewl.

GC: (beam) Wanna try it?

MM: not particularily.

GC: why not? (draws her sword)

MM: Beacause I am not a -

(chop)

MM: (glare)

GC: oh that's right (giggle) you're not a god.

MM: I hate you.

GC: no you don't.

MM: yes, I believe I do. (picks up hand off the ground)

GC: Better get that on ice.

(((Callisto to Xena: "oh, clever, clever girl. You want me to use my powers so these stupid rocks come tumbling down on me.")))

MM: (mumble) It's about time you figured that out.

GC: What did you you say?

MM: It's about time to go full out.

GC: oh.

(((Xena runs Callisto through with her sword)))

MM: Nice reflexes.

GC: You must have a death wish or something.

MM: You know it's funny, I believe I do.

45 minute digression as the Goddess and her bard act out the final scenes of A Nesessary Evil, revised ending where only the Bard takes the lava dive. On the up side, Melissa's missing hand is now amongst the least of her problems.

Geek: hiya crispy.

MM: Bite me.

Geek: Ok sure, I'll take a hand - oh would ya look at that - it's missing. *snicker*

MM: (mutter)

(((Xena reflects Callisto's lightening bolts off some stategically placed shields. The Lightening hits some rocks and the Goddess gets burried.)))

MM: pathetic.

GC: Excuse me?

MM: you heard me - I said pathetic.

GC: oh. (hangs head) I get out pretty quickly.

MM: *snort* well you certainly ought to, what with all the practice you have been getting lately.

Trancer: (staring blankly down at the bard who is charred, missing a hand, and now ground into the carpet) What the Tartarus do you expect me to do?

GC: Not her fool, I need the volume turned up.

Trancer: do I look like a rem -- (taps combadge) Trancer to Seven of Nine

Seven: Yes Trancer?

Trancer: Do you have the Bard's DNA signature on file?

Seven: Affirmative.

Trancer: We need to run a level 3 regenerative bio-filter.

Seven: acknowleged.

Melissa dissappears into a shimmery blue light. Seconds later she is returned to the sofa, fully restored.

MM: (blink) Why do you have my DNA signature on file?

Trancer: uh.....gotta go. (transports away)

(((Ares rescues Hope)))

MM: That guy switches sides more often than.

GC: well? More often than what?

MM: well actually it's a who.

GC: Let's just not go there again.

(((Seraphin talking about Gabrielle: "We were never told her name because it was said that to speak it was obscene blasphemy.")))

GC: what a stupid rule. How'd Hope come up with such non-sense?

MM: I'm sure I have no idea *Goddess*. Maybe the *DoN* knows.

(((Seraphin speaking about Hope: "She has a harsh father, yes.")))

MM: Harsh? Now there's an understatement.

(((Seraphin: "Can you blame a child for not understanding a power that was given it?")))

MM: If your name is Xena you can.

*ping*

MM: If you are the DoN you can.

(((Ares to Hope: "you and Callisto killed Strife.")))

GC: And? There was no and. I did it all by myself, thank you kindly.

(((Xena: "They're just innocent People. Hope knows I won't kill them.")))

GC & MM: oh noooo, you'd never do that.

(((Villagers attack Xena)))

MM: *snicker* Look Goddess she's getting beat up by a buncha villagers. And yet, she continually kicks y -- er... never mind.

(((Villagers try to get Gabby and Seraphin by breaking down the walls of a shack.)))

GC: It's like Evil Dead.

MM: Night of the Living Dead.

GC: what ever.

(((Seraphin refuses to run, so Xena knocks her out.)))

GC: Now that's how you control of a situation.

MM: I supose that's one way y--

*punch*

MM: (holding her bleeding nose) I see your point.

(((Gabrielle: "...I can't stay here and play ‘what if'.")))

GC: She never was very good at party games.

(((Gabrielle lets Seraphin go, but it was all a ploy to have Seraphin lead Xena to Hope)))

GC: bard If you had an evil daughter would you sell her out to ...

MM: I don't have a daughter.

GC: I know but if you did, would you sell her out t...

MM: and I am sure she wouldn't be evil.

GC: whatever. But would you...

MM: and I don't see why you'd want to hurt her if she were really evil anyway.

GC: what if I just smacked you really hard.

MM: ok.

GC: must you suck the fun out of everything?

(((Ares calls in Gabrielle's debt. Fates: "If Xena kills Hope...Xena will die.")))

MM: the plot thickens.

(((Seraphin arrives at the Halls of War. Xena battles the Priests.)))

MM: (singing) every one was kung fu fightin.

GC: don't sing.

(((Seraphin is stabbed. She crawls to Hope and gives the God her blood.)))

MM: yuck.

(((Hope emerges from her cocoon looking like her mother's twin.)))

GC: (LOL)

MM: Well at least she's no longer all crispy.

GC: No, just really gooey.

MM: (grin) Say Goddess, do you supose that would work on Geek?

GC: Maybe.

MM: and what do you think would happen if you substitued say ... a Malabo Barbie and a slightly disfigured Bionic Man action figure for the Priest of the Flesh and the Priestess of the Blood?

GC: Don't know. (arch eyebrow) why do you ask?

MM: uhm...no reseason. (whistle)

Somewhere on the other side of Cirra a Troll Doll cursed the bard. Oddly the doll sounded much like a certain Geek we all know and love. A coincidence, the bard assures us.

Comming soon part II.