Episode 1.04

TOW Chandler's Dad Part Two

Well, here's the conclusion to the last episode, hope you like it! Sorry it took so long to get finished, it was generally a case of me being lazy……….less said the better. Send any comments and suggestions to the address at the bottom, hope you like it!

Teaser

Scene: Monica and Chandler's apt. It's early morning. Monica walks into the living room area from her and Chandler's bedroom. She looks relatively tired and is yawning a little, but the camera pans out to reveal Chandler's dad Steve sat at the kitchen table with bloodshot eyes, a hanging head and several cups of coffee strewn around him. Basically, the guy's shattered.

Steve: (croaking) Morning.

Monica: Sleep well?

Steve: (sarcastic) Best night's sleep I've ever had.

Monica: (apologetic) I'm sorry about last night, it's just-

Steve: (cutting her off) Don't apologise, I dare say I've kept a fair few people up myself at times! (Monica winces slightly at the thought, Steve chuckles) Oh and that reminds me, Leroy, my partner, should be dropping by later. We're going flat-hunting. It's okay that he stops by here first right?

Monica: Oh yeah, sure, it's just….

Steve: What?

Monica: Could you promise not to do……stuff, while I'm here please? I've got nothing against the gay thing but you've just put a very nasty mental image in my mind that won't go away!

Scene: Monica and Chandler's apt. It's late morning and the gang, plus Steve, are hanging out. Chandler is pretty much ignoring his dad and there's a knock at the door. Rachel answers it to reveal a man who looks a little like Bill Tarmey aka Jack Duckworth from Coronation Street, but taller and alot thinner. And yes, you've guessed it, it's Leroy.

Steve: Hey Leroy, come on in.

Leroy: (walks over and pecks him on the cheek) Hey, are you nearly ready to go?

Steve: Sure, just let me finish my coffee. You might as well sit down for a few minutes. (He gestures towards the seating area and finds that the rest of the gang are sat staring at them.)

Leroy: Are you going to introduce me or am I going to have to stand here and be gawped at like a side show freak?

Chandler: You don't have to stand and be gawped at you know. You can sit.

Leroy: And I'm guessing you must be Chandler. You're so much like your dad you know.

Chandler: (fakes looking scared.) Which would be less painful, hanging myself, or jumping out the window? (Although this comment was obviously sarcastic, Steve looks hurt and Monica glares at him.)

Pheobe: (trying to break the tension.) So, you know, what's it like? Sleeping with a man I mean.

Leroy: (confused pause.) I don't know, why don't you tell me what it's like for you and I'll tell you how my way is different.

Steve: (seeing that Pheobe is actually going to answer) You know, I'm just about done now, why don't we hit the road?

Leroy: I think I want to finish this conversation!

Cut to: Scene: Monica and Chandler's apt. a few minutes later. Steve and Leroy have left and Pheobe is sat with eyes like saucers.

Monica: (snapping, to Chandler) What was that?

Everyony: Oh yeah, I gotta go/ I gotta get to work/ I'll see you later. (everyone but Chandler and Monica leave)

Chandler: What, I was just joking!

Monica: Well I don't think your dad found it funny.

Chandler: He doesn't have a very good sense of humour then does he?

Monica: Why have you made your mind up to dislike him? I mean, why can't you just give him a chance?

Chandler: Maybe I can't 'just give him a chance' have you thought of that? Maybe he's let me down one too many times and now I can't trust him. What would you say to that then?

Monica: I'd say you were being pig-headed and foolish.

Chandler: (sighs and rubs his fore head) I can't be doing with another nine months of you being all hormonally.

Monica: (coldly) So maybe you won't have to deal with that.

Chandler: Huh?

Monica: I'm sorry, but I really don't know how I feel about having a baby with a man who can't forgive his own father for making some stupid mistakes over ten years ago! (she glares at him in contempt and storms out, leaving him sat speechless.)

Commercial Break

Scene: Monica and Chandler are sat in a hospital witing room. It's eveningish and they keep stealing little glances at each other.

Doctor: (to Monica) Miss Gellar?

Monica: (startled) Yeah?

Doctor: Would you both come this way please. (they follow him to his room) Right, before I do anything, I must ask, what brand of pregnancy tests did you use?

Monica: (slightly confused) Ummmm….

Chandler: 'Clear Blue'

Monica: I knew that!

Doctor: Right, I'm going to have to ask you for a small 'sample'. There's a small room back there with a toiletry cubical to one side that you can use.

Monica: (very confused, taking a small test tube off him) Okaaaay……. (she leaves the room for a few minutes, then returns with her 'sample' and hands it to the doctor. He does some things to it, adding various etc., scribbles something down in a small book, then turns around to face them.)

Doctor: Yeah, um, your not pregnant.

Monica: Huh?

Doctor: The company responsible for the manufacture of Clear Blue pregnancy tests have been churning out some defects. I've had quite a few worried patients recently and not one of them have turned out to actually be pregnant. But then, that's hardly surprising when you consider that one of them was a woman who's husband has been away at sea for a year, one was a five year old girl who'd ben messing around with her mum's stuff, one was a man and one was 85.

Chandler: Eww, gross!

Doctor: Yep, infact, I think that the two of you may possibly be the only couple I've seen in the past week that could actually be having a baby.

Monica: That can't be true, surely?

Doctor: Well it is. Unless…..(to Monica) you're actually a lesbian and you (to Chandler) are just a concerned friend. Which would probably make more sense than the two of you being a couple.

Monica: Okaaaay, I think we're going to go now…….. (they beat a hasty retreat)

Outside the surgery:-

Chandler: So…. You're not pregnant.

Monica: Uh-huh. (they pause, then turn toi face each other and suddenly start to kiss wildly)

Chandler: (gasping for air) Why are you so happy, I thought you wanted kids?

Monica: (shrugging) Yeah, but this just proves I can pull off an April Fools joke on you and now you owe me $20!

Scene: Monica and Chandlers apt. quite late in the evening. Steve is sat the table drinking coffee, when Chandler and Monica enter, holding hands. She looks at him meaningfully, then walks into the bathroom. He sighs and sits down opposite his dad.

Steve: Hey son.

Chandler: Hey. Apparantly I've got to talk to you.

Steve: Got to? Says who? (Chandler motions towards the bathroom) Oh. Do you always do everything she tells you to?

Chandler: (thinks) Pretty much. Why?

Steve: (sighs) Son, you should never do anything a woman tells you to. It's the first rule of being a guy.

Chandler: (intrigued) Really?

Steve: Yeah! Another thing is, never give them what they want. And that includes kids. It keeps them interested see?

Chandler: (interested) And that really works?

Steve: Oh yeah. They threaten to leave you, so what? They'll come back, they always do!

Chandler: Dad, are you gay because you want to be, or because no woman will have you?

Steve: Son, how do you think I stayed married to your mother for so long?

Chandler: Huh. (pause) You wanna beer?

Steve: Sure!

Tag

Scene:- Monica and Chandler's apt. a half hour later. Steve and Chandler are sat at the table, laughing and getting along just fine, but they're obviously very drunk. Monica enters from the bathroom in a bathrobe.

Monica: (pleased) It's great to see the two of you getting along so well, but do you think you could clear the table?

Chandler: (laughing drunkenly) No way, clear it yourself! And get me a beer while you're at it! (he sees the look on her face and whimpers) On second thoughts, you sit down and relax! I'll do it all!

So, what do you think? Send any thoughts, comments and suggestions to me at melissa.watt@btinternet.com

Thanx!