Act I-Part Three
WE'RE OKAY
JOANNE
(on cellular phone)
Steve -- Joanne
The Murget case?
A dismissal!
Good work counselor
(The pay phone rings. JOANNE answers it and begins a conversation with MAUREEN
simultaneously juggling two other calls on her cellular phone.)
We're okay
Honeybear -- wait!
I'm on the other phone
Yes, I have the cowbell
We're okay
(into cellular phone)
So tell them we'll sue
But a settlement will do
Sexual harassment -- and civil rights too
Steve, you're great
(into pay phone)
No you cut the paper plate
Didja cheat on Mark a lot would you say?
We're okay
Honey hold on...
(into cellular phone)
Steve, hold on...
(JOANNE presses the call-waiting button on the cellular phone)
Hello?
Dad -- yes
I beeped you
Maureen is coming to Mother's hearing
We're okay
(into pay phone)
Honeybear - what?
Newt's lesbian sister
I'll tell them
(into cellular phone)
You heard?
(into pay phone)
They heard
We're okay
(into cellular phone)
And to you dad
(JOANNE presses the call-waiting as she speaks into the pay phone)
Yes -- Jill is there?
(into cellular phone)
Steve gotta --
(into pay phone)
Jill with the short black hair?
The Calvin Klein model?
(into cellular phone)
Steve, gotta go!
(into pay phone)
The model who lives in Penthouse A???
We're
We're okay
I'm on my way
CHRISTMAS BELLS (Various locations, St. Marks Place)
FIVE HOMELESS PEOPLE
Christmas bells are ringing
Christmas bells are ringing
Christmas bells are singing
On TV - at Saks
SQUEEGEEMAN
Honest living, honest living
Honest living, honest living
Honest living, honest living
ALL FIVE HOMELESS
Can't you spare a dime or two
Here but for the grace of God go you
You'll be merry
I'll be merry
Tho merry ain't in my vocabulary
No sleighbells
No Santa Claus
No yule log
No tinsel
No holly
No hearth
No
SOLOIST
'Rudolph the red nosed reindeer'
ALL FIVE
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
No room at the Holiday Inn -- oh no
(A few flakes of snow begin to descend.)
And it's beginning to snow
(The stage suddenly explodes with life. The scene is St. Mark's Place on Christmas Eve --
an open-air bazaar of color, noise, and movement.)
VENDORS
Hats, bats, shoes, booze
Mountain bikes, potpourri
Leather bags, girlie mags
Forty-fives, AZT
VENDOR #1
No one's buying
Feel like crying
ALL
No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no
And it's beginning to snow
(Lights up on one woman, who is showing off a collection of stolen coats to COLLINS and
ANGEL.)
VENDOR #2
How about a fur --
In perfect shape
Owned by an MBA from uptown
I got a tweed
Broken in by a greedy
Broker who went broke
And then broke down
COLLINS
You don't have to do this
ANGEL
Hush your mouth, it's Christmas
COLLINS
I do not deserve you, Angel
COLLINS
Give--give
All you do
Is give
Give me some way to show
How much you've touched me so
ANGEL
Wait--what's on the floor?
Let's see some more...
No--no--no...
Kiss me -- it's beginning to snow
(Lights focus on MARK and ROGER on right above.)
MARK
... She said, "Would you light my candle?"
And she put on a pout
And she wanted you
To take her out tonight?
ROGER
Right
MARK
She got you out!
ROGER
She was more than okay
But I pushed her away
It was bad -- I got mad
And I had to get her out of my sight
MARK
Wait, wait, wait -- you said she was sweet
ROGER
Let's go eat -- I'll just get fat
It's the one vice left when you're dead meat
(MIMI has entered looking furtively for THE MAN.)
There -- that's her
MARK
Maureen?
ROGER
Mimi!
MARK
Whoa!
ROGER
I should go
MARK
Hey -- it's beginning to snow
(The POLICE OFFICERS, in riot gear, enter above.)
POLICE OFFICERS
I'm dreaming of a white, right Christmas
(POLICE OFFICERS exit.)
MIMI & JUNKIES
Follow the man -- follow the man
With his pockets full of the jam
Follow the man -- follow the man
Help me out, daddy
If you can
Got any D man?
THE MAN
I'm cool
MIMI & JUNKIES
Got any C man?
THE MAN
I'm cool
MIMI & JUNKIES
Got any X?
Any smack?
Any horse?
Any jugie boogie boy?
Any blow?
(ROGER pulls MIMI aside.)
ROGER
Hey
MIMI
Hey
ROGER
I just want to say
I'm sorry for the way --
MIMI
Forget it
ROGER
I blew up
Can I make it up to you?
MIMI
How?
ROGER
Dinner party?
MIMI
That'll do
THE MAN
Hey lover boy -- cutie pie
You steal my client -- you die
ROGER
You didn't miss me -- you won't miss her
You'll never lack for customers
JUNKIES
I'm willin'
I'm illin'
I gotta get my sickness off
Gotta run, gotta ride
Gotta gun, gotta hide -- gotta go
THE MAN
And it's beginning to snow
BENNY
(entering, talking on his cellular phone)
Wish me luck, Alison
The protest is on
COAT VENDOR
L.L Bean
Geoffrey Beene
Burburry zip out
Lining
JUNKIES
Got any C man?
Got any D man?
Got any B man?
Got any crack?
Got any X?
SQUEEGEEMAN
Honest living --
ROGER
Mark, this is Mimi --
MARK/MIMI
Hi
ROGER
She'll be dining -- (with us)
COAT VENDOR
Here's a new arrival
THE MAN
That is an ounce
VENDORS
Hats, dats, bats
COLLINS
That's my coat!
COAT VENDOR
We give discounts
MARK
I think we've met
ANGEL
Let's get a better one
COLLINS
It's a sham
MIMI
That's what he said
THE MAN
I said it's a gram!
COLLINS
But she's a thief!
ANGEL
But she brought us together
BENNY
Which investor is coming??
COLLINS
I'll take the leather
BENNY
Your father? -- Damn!
(The following is sung simultaneously.)
HOMELESS & VENDORS
Christmas bells are swinging
Christmas bells are ringing
Christmas bells are singing
In my dreams -- next year
Once you donate you can go
Celebrate in Tuckahoe
You'll feel cheery
I'll feel cheery
Tho' I don't really know that theory
No bathrobe
No steuben glass
No cappucino makers
No pearls, no diamonds
No 'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire'
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no --
POLICE OFFICERS
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Jingle bells -- prison cells
Fa la la la -- fa la la la
You have the right to remain
Silent night holy night
Fall on your knees oh night divine
You'll do some time
Fa la la la la
Fa la la la la
JUNKIES
Got any C man?
Got any D man?
Got any B man?
Got any X? -- Crack?
I'm willin' -- I'm illin'
Gotta get my sickness off
C-D help me
Follow the man -- follow the man
Follow the man
Jugie boogie -- jugie boogie
Follow the man -- follow the man
Any crack any X any jugie boogie boy
Any blow any X any jugie boogie boy
Got any D man, got any C man
Got any crack -- any X -- any jugie boogie?
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-five
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-five
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
No way
Twenty-four
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-four
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Not today
Twenty-three
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-three
ANGEL
Fifteen
It's old
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-two
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Twenty-one
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDORr
Seventeen
ANGEL
Fifteen
COAT VENDOR
Fifteen
ANGEL & COAT VENDOR
Sold!
MARK & ROGER
Let's
Go
To
The lot -- Maureen's performing
MIMI
Who's Maureen?
ROGER
His ex
MARK
But I am over her
ROGER
Let's not hold hands yet
MIMI
Is that a warning?
ALL THREE
He/You/I
Just
Need(s)
To take it slow
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I ...
ALL
And it's beginning to
And it's beginning to
And it's beginning to ---
(Lights blackout and a blinding headlight comes through the door. As it reaches downstage,
the lights come up and reveal MAUREEN.)
MAUREEN
Joanne, which way to the stage?
ALL
Snow!!!
(Blackout.)
OVER THE MOON (The Lot)
MARK
Maureen's performance.
MAUREEN (in front of a microphone)
Last night I had a dream. I found myself in a desert called Cyberland.
It was hot. My canteen had sprung a leak and I was thirsty.
Out of the abyss walked a cow -- Elsie.
I asked if she had anything to drink.
She said, "I'm forbidden to produce milk.
In Cyberland, we only drink Diet Coke."
She said, "Only thing to do is jump over the moon"
"They've closed everything real down ... like barns, troughs, performance spaces ...
And replaced it all with lies and rules and virtual life.
But there is a way out ...
BACKUPS
Leap of faith, leap of faith
Leap of faith, leap of faith
MAUREEN
"Only thing to do is jump over the moon"
I gotta get out of here! It's like I'm being tied
to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed
in with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a cliff
by a suicidal Mickey Mouse! -- I've gotta find a way
MAUREEN
"To jump over the moon
Only thing to do is jump over the moon"
BACKUPS
Leap of faith, etc.
MAUREEN
Then a little bulldog entered. His name (we have learned) was Benny.
And although he once had principles,
He abandoned them to live as a lap dog to a wealthy daughter of the revolution.
"That's bull," he said.
"Ever since the cat took up the fiddle, that cow's been jumpy.
And the dish and the spoon were evicted from the table -- and eloped ...
She's had trouble with that milk and the moon ever since.
Maybe it's a female thing.
'Cause who'd want to leave Cyberland anyway?...
Walls ain't so bad.
The dish and the spoon for instance.
They were down on their luck - knocked on my doghouse door.
I said, "Not in my backyard, utensils! Go back to China!"
"The only way out is up," Elsie whispered to me.
"A leap of faith. Still thirsty?" she asked.
Parched. "Have some milk."
I lowered myself beneath her and held my mouth to her swollen udder
And sucked the sweetest milk I'd ever tasted."
(MAUREEN makes a slurping, sucking sound.)
"Climb on board," she said.
And as a harvest moon rose over Cyberland,
We reared back and sprang into a gallop.
Leaping out of orbit!!!
I awoke singing
BACKUPS
Leap of faith, etc.
MAUREEN
Only thing to do
Only thing to do is jump
Only thing to do is jump over the moon
Only thing to do is jump over the moon
Over the moon -- over the
Moooooooo
Moooooooo
Moooooooo
Moooooooo
Moo with me.
(MAUREEN encourages the audience to moo with her. She says, "C'mon, sir, moo with me,"
etc. The audience responds. When the "moos" reach a crescendo, she cuts them off with a
big sweep of her arms.)
Thank you.
(Blackout.)
