Piggerly or Not Piggerly
This is a work of parody. No copyright infringement or harm to Rysher,
Davis Panzer, Jim Henson, or Walt Disney Productions is intended. No
money is being made.
Piggerly or Not Piggerly: The Spin-Off Begins
[Scene: Dunkerm MacFrog's lily pad barge on the Seine. Dunkie hops
around, looking distraught, perhaps because the prop dept. sold all his
furniture. The green frog, with marvelous abs and an outfit like old
pajamas, stares at a reddish stuffed bear in the corner, its cute little
beanie askew, a line of cross stitching encircling its neck. The bear's
tee shirt reads, "The unrelated unmarried male person I used to live
with went to Paris, and all he brought me was this lousy shirt and a can
of snails."]
[Dunkerm MacFrog picks up the bear.]
"Rich E, Rich E, my little buddy, once so full of vitality, laughing,
talking, stuffing yourself with food. . .
"Now, you're just . . . stuffed. Rich E, I couldn't bear to part with
you. So when I tried to get that glove off your paw, and it wouldn't
budge, well, I just had to take you with me. Good thing the factory
that makes the lima bean stuffed toys was open that night."
[Dunkerm's tongue flicks out and nails a fly. Slurp. Suddenly, he
hears a clanging sound at the door.]
"Rich E, sounds like Dogson, again. He always knocks over my garbage
can, snooping around in it."
[Dunkerm puts Rich E down and hops to the door. As he flicks it open
with his immortal amphibian agility, his friend and rule-breaking
Watcher, Ralph Dogson, falls through the door, his brown floppy ears
askew, his tail wagging. The dog pianist's tee shirt advertises his
Paris blues bar, "Ralph's." It reads, "Drinking and Ralph's: They go
together."]
[Dunkerm sighs.] "Dogson, get your ear away from my keyhole, and stop
rummaging in my garbage can. Found anything new for your Chronicle?"
[Ralph grins and holds up a soup bone.] "Not really, Dunk, but this
bone looks great. Glad to see you stopped being a vegetarian. What
changed your mind?"
"One day while I was meditating, a fat horse fly buzzed around my
Tibetian Singing Bowl. What can I do for you today, Ralph, besides wrap
up that soup bone to go?"
"Go! Dunk, I just got here!"
"Yeah, but I'm expecting company tonight. [Dunkerm hops around,
lighting candles, and carefully turns Rich E Bear's face to the wall.] "
Amanda's back in town."
"Wow! I haven't seen Amanda Piggerly in ages. Please, Dunk, can I stay
a while? Just to say hello?" [Dogson's tail really starts wagging now.]
"No. Absolutely not."
[Ralph looks sad. Dunkerm shakes his handsome green head and makes a
decision.]
"Stay and have a drink with me, anyway, Ralph. By the way, how's
business?"
"Lousy. I thought these new shirts would help, but people just look at
them and shake their heads. Why?"
[Dunkerm reads Ralph's shirt front and scratches his perfectly shaped
green head.]
"I dunno. Looks fine to me. Ask Methzonzo; he's so wise since he's
five thousand years old."
"Yeah, maybe, but I don't know where the old blue one is. Do you,
Dunk?"
"He hasn't poked his long nose through my door in a long time. Dogson,
you're the Watcher, not me. Can't your people keep track of immortals
anymore?"
[Dogson shakes his head, and dog dander flies in Dunkerm's face.] "Ah
choo!"
"Gesundheit. Budget cuts. Thirteen Watchers do what eighteen did last
year and twenty-two did the year before. Causes continuity problems you
wouldn't believe, especially for guys covering immortals in different
countries. But at least I've gotten to watch a bunch of lovely
immortal lady dogs, pals of yours."
"My friends?" [Dunkerm looks nervous.]
"Yeah." [Dogson grins.] "Hey, how come you *ever* let anybody tie your
flippers to a bed, Dunk? You're lucky you didn't become fried frogs'
legs centuries ago."
[Dunkerm looks uncomfortable.] "Dogson, you've no room to talk,
especially after the crazy way you chased that beer truck."
[Dogson holds up a paw and accepts a drink from Dunkerm.] "Hey, the
bar's supplies were low. So, what time you expecting Amanda?"
[Dunkerm looks at his watch.] "Oh, an hour. About fifty-five minutes
after you're leaving, Ralph."
[Ralph drains his drink and puts the glass down on the bar.] "I can
take a hint. Bye, Dunk."
[Suddenly Dunkerm's eyes bug out even further, and he hops in place as
he feels "the buzz," the approach of another immortal.]
[Ralph lets out a low bark.] "Yeow. Maybe I'll get to say hi to Amanda
after all."
[But instead, Methzonzo, the blue-furred immortal weirdo with the long
beak or nose or whatever, comes through the door. He grins and holds up
a six pack.]
"Look what I just caught when it fell off a beer truck!"
[ Dogson barks appreciatively.] "Wow! So, where you been, buddy?"
[Methzonzo grins.] "Visiting Amanda."
[Dunkerm looks startled.] "Why? She's my girl, er pig."
"Yes. But I've been feeling so, well, blue, ever since Alexa died."
[Dunkerm MacFrog looks sad.] "She was a beautiful young egret, wasn't
she? With her whole life ahead of her, except of course, for that fatal
movie disease."
[Methzonzo looks sad too.] "One of a thousand egrets, MacFrog, one of
a thousand egrets."
[Ralph looks puzzled.] "So why aren't you out dancing with one of the
others from the flock?"
"Because Amanda and I came to talk to Dunkerm. Ralph, you might as well
hear this too."
[Suddenly, Amanda Piggerly stands in the doorway in her sausage skin
tight black dress, her short black hair swept behind adorable pointed
pig's ears, a sweet golden ring in her perfect snout.]
"Hello, boys, how do I look?"
[Ralph's tongue hangs down to the floor.] "Ravishing as usual. Like a
French trollop, er truffle."
"Please. Moi was never French."
[Amanda embraces Dunkerm passionately. But, surprisingly, she then
turns to Methzonzo, who takes her cute little cloven hoof in his hand.]
"Ah, Amanda my sweet. After we talk with Dunkerm, let's go to a cozy
little restaurant and eat truffles."
[Amanda strokes Methzonzo's unusual proboscus.] "Of course. And then
afterwards. . . . You did remember to wear your blue boxers, didn't
you? The ones that just drive me wild?"
"Since you told me a month ago how much you love them, I've never taken
them off, my darling."
"Oh, how romantic! Methzonzo, you have the soul of a poet."
"No, only his skull. I collected Byron's after he didn't need it
anymore."
"Oh. Yeah. Well, come here and let me kiss that gorgeous long nose of
yours, and later. . .. ."
"Yes, Piggerly my sweet?"
"Later would you let me play footsie with your perfect toes?"
"Anything for you, my raven."
[Dogson barks in disgust.] "Huh? Amanda was dating Dunkerm MacFrog of
the Clan MacFrog last time I updated the sex life chapters in Dunk's
chronicles, which was, oh, yesterday."
[Dunkerm shoots Ralph an annoyed look. Ralph answers defensively.]
"Hey, Dunk, just doin' my job. That new stuff about all these lady
immortals forced a major rewrite." [Dogson pauses, makes sure no one is
about to swing a katana at him, and then continues.] "You had a date
scheduled with Amanda. Well, here she is, but she's with Methzonzo and
is talking about his shorts and toes right in front of you. So what
gives? And why has *he* [gesturing with a paw toward Methzonzo] been
wearing something special for *her* for over a month?"
[Amanda reaches into katana space and pulls out a stuffed crow.] "Here's
why. Behold the symbol of future success. I'm going to be a star!"
[Ralph scratches a flea behind his ear and stares at the stuffed
bird.] "You're remaking 'The Maltese Falcon'? Or somethin' about Edgar
Allan Poe? "
[Methzonzo smiles smugly.] "Of course not. Amanda is going to be 'The
Raven.'"
[Ralph continues to chase the flea, which is now heading for his
hindquarters.] "Huh? Amanda's not a bird; she's a pig. Er, meaning no
offense."
[Amanda walks over to Dunkerm and strokes his adorable confused green
face.]
"I love you, my big handsome frog, but you're tired of doing Zoolander;
I'm not. And now that I'm going to be 'The Raven' in the follow-on
series, Methzonzo is very nice to me. You see, he'd love to guest
star."
[Ralph laughs.] "Uhmm. Wonder if there's a good role for a Watcher dog
in the follow-on too?"
[Amanda smiles.] "Methzonzo and I are off for a night of wild passion,
dancing on the Tower, stealing jewels from Cartier. But tomorrow we'll
all go see the powers that be together; how's that?"
[Dunkerm sighs.] "Why, Amanda Piggerly? Someone offers you fame and
fortune and you spurn me, your faithful lover for centuries--always
allowing, of course, for adventures with other creatures whenever you or
I felt like it. How can you be so fickle?"
[Amanda shakes her head.] "Dunkermie, you know how when we meditate
together you hold the Tibetian Singing Bowl and I hold your Gold Card?
You and I, Dunkerm MacFrog, we're different. We treasure different
things. That's the way the writers wrote us."
[Ralph shakes his head again, and everyone sneezes. Following the chorus
of ah choos, he continues.]
"Just how will they turn a beautiful thief into the star of a show
that's always been really moral? Aside from all the killing and sex, of
course. Besides, Amanda Piggerly, you can't sword fight for beans!"
[Angered, Amanda whips her sword out of katana space and beheads Rich E
Bear in the corner. Instead of lightning, lima bean stuffing spills
out.]
"I *can* fight for beans. As soon as I heard about the sequel, I asked
Methzonzo to train me."
[Dunkerm, his magnificent lip quivering as he fights back tears, shoves
the beans back in Rich E. Bear, then secures the head with some duct
tape that Ralph whips out of Home Improvement space.]
"What can I say, my friends? If you want to be in the follow-on series,
I wish you well. But I must go away, hop off into the sunset, the
champion retiring to oversee justice from afar. It's what I do."
[Ralph looks puzzled again.] "You could have fooled me, Dunk. I
thought you lived on a lily pad barge in Paris, ran a dojo in the U.S.,
and had one heck of a commuting problem."
Dunkerm smiles. "Well, goodbye everyone, and Amanda, here's my Gold
card. It's the least I can do to wish you and Methzonzo well."
[Ralph Dogson chokes back a sob.] "That is so moving. Anything as a
goodbye gift for me too, Dunkerm, old friend?"
"Look, Dogson, I just gave you that soup bone; don't be pushy. I'll let
you know when I want to see you again or give you anything, and I'll
tell you when I want you to give me any information too."
"Shucks, Dunk, we're such good friends, here's my laptop and all the
encryption codes. After all, you just gave me that bone, and one gift
deserves another."
[Methzonzo faces Dunkerm.] "Before you leave, there is something we
need to resolve."
[Dunkerm looks at him seriously.] "What? Whether I've forgiven you?
The nature of our relationship?"
"Well, after that spiral quickening, I should think so! But no; there's
something else."
"What, Methzonzo?"
"Why in an episode did you blurt out in front of Amanda that I was
Methzonzo? Didn't anyone ever tell you how important it is to keep
secrets?"
"Of course. Dogson always stresses it to me."
"Oh forget him; if he could keep secrets, he'd never have anything to do
in the plots. I'm serious, Dunkerm, and this has bothered me for a long
time. You owe me an apology, and, before I steal your girl away from
you forever, I demand that apology."
[Methzono picks up the stuffed raven and waves it at Dunkerm.]
"You were wrong, Dunkerm MacFrog. Now, admit it; eat crow!"
[Dunkerm gives a low threatening ribbit and, with unbelievable grace,
hops into a fighting stance.]
"Stealing my girl away is one thing; making me say I'm sorry, that's
something else. Draw your sword, Methzonzo!"
[They quick draw their swords and behead each other simultaneously. The
quickening is intense for Miss Amanda Piggerly, who smiles a very
satisfied smile. She has lost both her lovers, but the Gold Card didn't
melt, and that triple loop de looper spiral quickening will be something
she'll always remember.]
[Dogson watches fascinated, quickly typing the details into his laptop.
Then he and Amanda leave the lily pad arm in arm.]
The End
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