All stories are rated PG - 13

Oz frowned as he noticed Xander walking out of the library doors and so he automatically glanced at Buffy. She looked up at Xander quickly, chewing on her lower lip, and then her eyes fell dejectedly to the floor. Despite what his girlfriend had said about Xander agreeing to the curse, he was beginning to think otherwise, and as he looked at Buffy, he was wondering if she was doing the same.

With a sigh, he stood up and approached Willow who had stopped reading for a moment while Giles went into the office to get an Orb of Thesula, which he had been using for a paperweight. He tapped her shoulder and moved his head in the direction that the other male slayerette had gone. She smiled warmly, squeezed the hand that rested on her shoulder, and nodded before she started again to read the list, "And besides that we need"

The door slammed loudly behind him and he saw Xander leaning on a wall of the empty school hallway, "Hey."

Xander looked up and gave him a half-smile, "Hey, what are you doing out here?"

"Funnywas just about to ask you the same thing," Oz replied as he approached him and leaned against the opposite wall, "I'm guessin' you're not with this whole curse thing."

"Ya think?" he replied sardonically, "Look, I appreciate the effort of my best bud's guy to give me a pep talk, but I'd rather not."

"Look Xander, I may not be the world's expert on girlswellme and every other guy on this planet, but I'm thinkin' it would be in your best interest to go and have a talk with Buffy," he said. "I know you told her that you were okay with this, but you're obviously not, and as far as I can tell, you're only going along with this because you don't want to hurt her."

"Of course I don't want to hurt her, Ozshe'sshe's" he said and paused before continuing softly, "she's everything to me, and I don'tI don't"

"No need to elaborate, I know the feeling," he said with a grin as he thought about Willow, "but you can't go along in life not expressing what you think is rightI mean, think of how I would look if I went about satisfying the status quo? No nail polish that's for sure. I'm not saying that if you tell her how you feel it's going to change her mind about anything, but at least she'll *know, * y'know?"

"UmOzWillow wants youfor something," Buffy said as the door closed behind her and she approached them. Her eyes fixed totally on Xander's face, although she was talking to Oz.

"Sure," he said and very little conversation occurred until they were sure he was in the library.

"Iuhheard what you and Oz were talking about," she said, "I - I thought you were okay with all of thisI mean, I know you don't want this, but you said"

Xander took a deep breath, "I know what I said and I am okay with thissort of. Angel and I, let's just say that we've exchanged very little words - wouldn't even amount to one conversation - over the time he was hanging with us. But in those words, we found out how much both of usloved you, and in finding that outwe hated each other even more when we didn't say anything at all. Then when he turned to the other side, that hate grew with every time he attacked usand whenever he hurt youhe hurt me. I don't want to give Angelus a reward for killing Miss CalendarI don't want to give him a new lease on life for doing what he did to us. Angel diedBuffylong before we even knew himthat was his death. If you ask me, he's had plenty of chances at life, and knowing youhaving the chance to love youhaving the chance for you to love him back was probably the best of all. I knowI can relate, and maybe that's what I'm afraid ofmaybe in the back of my mindand somewhere in this mortal heart of minethat's what I'm afraid of. That maybe if he found so much in you, then you might have found a lot in him more than you'll ever find in me just Xander, class clown extraordinare."

She looked into his eyes and blinked in surprised and sighed, "How can you possibly think that? You and Angel aredifferent. I could never in my life compare you two. I have to say, though, that he's very special to me, still, and maybe I still love himjust not the way I did before. But youyou're not *just* Xanderyou're more than that - more than you can possibly imagine - to me. I love you."

He had to smile, no matter how many times those words came from her, he could not believe that they were for him. "And I love you, but beyond that, no matter how strongly I feel about you, there's this part of me that doesn't know whether I'm going to be able to handle ithaving Angel back, standing there and watching while you give him back his soul-"

"Xanderwhat are you - " she began as her eyes looked at him worriedly.

He smiled and her worried expression faded with each of his words, "But there's a stronger part of me still that will do anything to make you happy, anything to see you smile. I understand Buffy, and even if I didn't I'll still stand by you."

The atmosphere in the library was too intense for him to handle. It was as if an invisible smoke had seeped into the room, causing his lungs and throat to tighten, so much that he could barely breath. Once outside, he began to feel better, but whatever might have occurred today to make the day better, no matter what, today was going to stay decidedly gloomy.

"Xander…are you all right?" Giles asked feeling rather unwanted since he had no part in the spell.

The 17-year-old smiled, "Um…yeah…I guess, if you can call a day good when your girlfriend decides to resurrect her ex…I'm doing fine…I'm surfin' cloud nine."

Giles game him a look, "Xander…"

He sighed, "Okay…so I'm not feeling too great about all of this, but I'm dealing…I'll be fine."

"There are certain things that Buffy feels she must do…this being one of them. I hope that with this she can find the closure she's been looking for," he said with a sigh.

"Yeah…I know, no matter how hard she tries to hide it, this whole Angel thing has got her maxi wigged and she thinks it's all her fault, but I don't blame her for anything. I don't think Angel would blame her for anything…it was one of those wicked hexes in life, y'know? Something you never thought would happen," Xander said and then he eyed the Watcher carefully, "Kinda like how Ms. Calendar's death is your wicked hex."

Giles glanced up at the young man and a painful look struck his face, "Y-yes…I suppose you can say that, Xander…I miss her, I really do."

"What I don't understand is…why do you want Angel back…if technically he killed Ms. Calendar?"

"It's not so simple as that," was his reply, "I hate Angelus with all the rage in my heart, obviously, for what he did to Jenny, but I can't hate Angel for doing something he had no control over. It was Jenny's want to bring him back…to not feel guilty, and I rather hope she didn't feel guilty in death…and if she did…I'd rather wish I can't take that guilt and make it go away. Well, I suppose I better get back into the library, just in case, but you do understand what I mean?"

Xander nodded, as the librarian began to walk away, "Yeah…I know what you're talking about, and G-man?"

"Yes, Xander?" Giles said as he opened the door.

Smiling, he replied, "I hope you get your wish."

He wondered what it was going to be like with Angel no longer Angelusas he saw it, even with the soul encumbered him, he was still a walking, talking time bomb. He hadn't wanted this and he had spoke adamantly about it, but he had given in eventually and there wasn't anyway his mind and reason would have been transferred to them. Xander disliked Angel and knew that that feeling would continue throughout, despite anything that might occur in between.

Buffy took Xander's hand when he stood beside her and she glanced at Giles, "So, what are we going to do? Just wait?"

"Well, a flaw in our plan is that we haven't the slightest idea where, he might - " Giles began as they heard the door open and close.

All eyes rose, again, to a figure at the door, but this time, it was a while before they strayed awayif at all.

"Angel," Xander heard Buffy's voice say in a hush whisper as she let go of his hand and stood up, "Is it really you?"

The figure clad in black backed away slightly as she approached him but stationed his ground when she was a few feet away from him, "BuffyI feel reallyreally strangewhat happened?"

"You mean you don't remember?" she said as her forehead wrinkled in thought.

"N-not reallysort ofI remember feeling pain and then turning back tooh, God, and then" Angel struggled with the memories that were coming into light in his shadowed mind and he fell to his knees as they gripped him with their ugliness and their evil.

Buffy knelt down beside him, "It wasn't your faultit wasn't youit was that demon that took overand it was my fault that that happened."

He looked up at her and grasped her shoulders so that as he stood, she stood too, "Noit wasn't your faultit could never be your fault. Don't say that."

"But AngelI" she tried, but he held her close.

"I love you"

Xander swallowed hard and he felt his heart beat accelerate in wonderment of what she might say. He knew she loved Angel, but in a different manner, she had told him that much. He trusted herhe believed her

Buffy was taken into the magic of his eyes and replied, "I love you, too"

But that was until he heard the tone of her voice. His fingers dug into the wood of the table he gripped as her words ripped through him like a stake in the heartand echoed in his mind in the remembrance of words that were once his

"I guess all's right in the world, now, huh?" he said in a trying attempt at his sarcasm, "At least in Buffy's world…"

Willow approached him with a sigh, "Xander…you have to - "

"What, Will?" he asked as he met her eyes with his own, dark and cold, "I have to just wait and let this thing blow over? I have to just sit back and let it all play out? What well-meaning advice can you possibly give me that can make me feel less of a fool than I already am?"

She closed her eyes and gave him a steady glance, "You're not a fool, Xander…she's just…it doesn't…it's going to okay -"

"Doesn't, what?!" he demanded again in his frustration, "Doesn't mean anything?! Doesn't matter?! You say it's going to be okay, but I'm seriously doubting the okainess of this situation…my girlfriend just walked out with her ex-boyfriend as if she and I never existed…indicate the okay!"

"I - I…" she faltered realizing that her optimism had failed her…she couldn't find even the slightest okay.

His hard expression softened at her face and he sighed, "I'm sorry, Willow, I know you only trying to help, but I don't think it's anything you can help me with…I don't think it's anything that even I can even help myself with. I think I better go…and…uh…if any of you see Buffy, tell her to call me…tell her we need to talk." And with that, Xander left without another word, leaving the three remaining of the Scooby Gang to sit once again in silence.

The moment he heard her tell Angel those three little words that he had once been directed to him in that very same, beautiful tone, it was as if someone had taken his still-beating heart from his chest and thrown it against a wall. His brain had gone numb and he sat there dumbfounded as she and Angel walked out of the room without very little care…she hadn't even remembered…hadn't cared enough about him to even look back.

His eyes fell to a picture that stood on the table beside his bed and he saw his goofy grin and her equally silly smile the day when they doubled with Oz and Willow on one of their rare breaks to head over to Disneyland. So, they had encountered a monster during their "vacation," but that didn't detract from the rest - the good - of the day. Although he remembered the happiness and it felt good to remember it, he was equally left with a feeling of distaste and of anger that in an instant, she had forgotten the happiness…that she hadn't even made a point to remember…anything…except Angel.

Placing the picture face down in an effort to lose a pain that could not be so easily lost, he lifted the composition book that it had stood upon. He grinned as he read Mrs. Roslyn's commentary: *Tendency to run on and repeat ideas, but overall, a heart-wrenching piece, Xander, well done. To touch the human heart is indeed the effort of an author. For the first time and perhaps more days to come and increase, B+*

He sighed…something about what he had written…he didn't feel quite satisfied with it as he had been before. It lost the lackluster of the first time he had put his thoughts on paper. Grabbing a pen from the backpack that he had carelessly thrown on the bed, he opened the composition book to a new page.

The moment the ink flowed from the tip of the pen on paper, was the exact moment, his mind became the pen. His thoughts were the pen itself, and flowed from his mind like the ink and with every written word stained on fading blue lines against white, was Xander.

*I once said, "People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream - what they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive," and at the time I thought it was true, and I still think it to be true, but I've come to learn that there are exceptions to every rule.

I was one of those exceptions…at least for a time. My unattainable…my most attractive want and dream…I had it…and now I've lost it. It's funny…I thought that not achieving the want was the worst feeling anyone can have, but it isn't. There's something worse than that…something more extreme than that so-called impossible wish that you think can't be obtained. It's when you have what you never thought would be yours and you cherish that treasure until no end…and then it goes and walks away…without a second glance or a single word. It leaves you feeling so angry and frustrated, but at the same time so hurt. In a split second, it was gone as if I never existed, as if *we* never existed. No matter how many times I told her I loved her, no matter how many times I told her I cared…I don't think it was enough…I don't think my loving her was enough. If it had been, I'd still have her heart, like she still has mine…*

"Bring! Bring!" the phone beside him shrilled bringing him out of his thoughts and back into the darkness of reality.

Closing his notebook, he reached the for phone with a sigh, "Hello?"

And he heard the familiar breathing and recognized the familiar hesitance, as he leaned back against the pillow, waiting to hear the similar words that had taken him into the dark before and would sustain him there still, "Xander…we have to talk…."

"Oh come on, man, cheer up," Oz tried as he looked at Xander's depressed expression that was slowly, but surely becoming permanent, "You can even make wolf jokes at me. Give me your best shot."

Xander gave Oz a Look, "As tempting as that sounds, Wolf Boy, I'd rather not…I don't even know why I let you guys drag me to the Bronze, anyway…"

"It was for your own good," insisted Willow with a sigh, "We wouldn't have had to 'drag' you if you had come willingly. You've been cooped up in that room of yours for God only knows how many weeks. I mean, even your parents called me because they were worried. I even heard a rumor from the teachers that you're actually doing your homework."

"Maybe it's because I am…what do you think I'm going to do for hours on end by myself?" he said.

"Precisely why you're here," she retorted, "I'm all for you doing better in school, Xander, but I'd rather have you getting your usual C's and D's and be nominally sane then how you are now…besides I think you're wigging out the teachers."

He sighed as he turned the straw in his glass of soda and then looked up at them and stood up, "I know you guys mean well…and I know I'm acting like Sunnydale's Resident Recluse, but I don't need this right now. I don't need *people* right now…even if some times they are a werewolf and a witch. I just need to be alone. I'll eventually pull myself out of the trenches, and when that happens, I'll make sure to give you guys a call. Catch ya later."

As he walked slowly away from them Oz turned to Willow, "You think he's gonna be okay?"

"Eventually," she nodded, "except he won't be the same Alexander Harris I've known all my life…that's all."

The back door of the Bronze slammed loudly behind him…twice…and curiously, Xander turned to see who was following him.

"Cordelia," he said.

"Xander," she returned as she walked towards him, "Haven't seen you about the Bronze much. Surprised me, today, to see that you climbed out of the rat hole you dug yourself into a few weeks ago…although judging by your clothes, I don't think you found your way to a store before that."

"As charming and charismatic as ever," he concluded, "What do you want, Cordelia? Do you want to throw your windbag comments at me, about how you knew it wouldn't last or about pitfalls or did you just feel that age-old impulse to insult me? Whatever it is…I don't care…I really don't. So, why don't you just go back to doing your "popular girl at the Bronze" façade and don't even bother?"

With that he began to walk away, but turned when he heard her say, "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry."

He frowned, "Sorry…for what?"

"For just about everything…for Colin, for that stupid 'pitfall' line, and believe it or not, about you and Buffy," she replied sincerely, "I kinda saw a certain permanence to it."

"Wow…a rarity from Cor - never mind…thanks," he said, "I better go, maybe I'll see you around?"

"If you find yourself outside, again, you can count on it," she nodded, "And…um…Xander?"

"Yeah, Cordy?" he said smiling lightly as he used his coined nickname for her.

Her eyes met his warmly, "No matter what's happened, no matter who she's with right now, I really do think she still loves you."

Xander nodded in neither agreement nor argument, but just acceptance and continued to tread where he had began initially. As his feet pounded on the sidewalk bounded for home, he thought about what she had told him, about how she was sure that Buffy loved him. As much as he wanted to believe so, despite how Buffy had hurt him, but he couldn't. Not after what happened after that phone call…not after meeting her and talking her for that short, painful period of time that ended in good-byes…

…He exhaled deeply as he saw her in the distance in the usual graveyard setting. He didn't know why he agreed to come meet with her on her patrol when he knew that it would have been just as easy for what was inevitable to occur on the phone. Xander had told her he'd think about it, but as usual, he obliged.

"Hey," he said softly a few feet away from her.

She turned to see him and the corners of her mouth lifted slightly, "Hey, yourself…I was beginning to think you wouldn't show."

"Y'know I'd do anything you ask of me," he replied looking straight into her eyes and when she noted that he meant what he said she looked away.

She laughed nervously, "You're probably wondering why I asked you here, right?"

"Actually, I have a pretty good idea as to why I'm here, but just for the hell of asking…why am I here?" Xander said.

Her eyes fell from the floor and to his eyes, "I - I wanted to explain myself…what I did earlier."

"Explain? What's there to explain?" he asked with a shrug.

"Xander, don't be like this - "

"Don't be like what? Angry? Hurt?" he said as he shook his head, "I'm sorry, Buffy, but I don't have your ability to make feelings just go away."

"T-that's really harsh - " she tried to begin again, but Xander's anger got the better of him.

"You want to talk about harsh? What do you call telling your undead boyfriend former that you love him in front of your boyfriend and then taking off without telling me anything? A simple, 'I'm sorry,' would have suffice…it would have hurt, but at least, it would have meant you knew I was alive, or do you not care about the living anymore? What you did was unexplainable…there is nothing you can say to me that makes it explainable."

Buffy took a deep breath as she looked at Xander's hard-lined expression, "I care about you, Xander, and I realize that no matter how hard I try to explain what I did, I wouldn't be able to because it was wrong. I don't even know why you're here…you must hate me so much for doing that…for leaving…with Angel…"

She stopped as he gently lifted her chin so that her eyes met eyes no longer angered, but soft and sad…his eyes, "I don't hate you, Buffy…I could never hate you…I lo - I could never hate you."

"I'm sorry, Xander…I am so sorry. I don't know why I did what I did, but I saw him there and I just…everything just kinda made my mind all fuzzy. I just…I don't know how to…" she trailed off and turned away as she felt her throat tighten and the onslaught of tears that were just as soon blinked away.

He hadn't realized how much this would all hurt. Ever since she had called, he had played this event in his mind, but there was nothing that could have made him feel anything then, except for the numbness…the coldness that had preceded his initial pain when she left with Angel. And that pain couldn't even compare to how he felt now. He finally perceived that he was really going to lose her and that no matter what he did or say, there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing. Knowing that…and *feeling* that…the world - his world - stood at a standstill. He didn't know how he was going to wake up in the morning anymore or what he was going to think about when he went to sleep because for the longest time it had been her. In these past few months, he had been able to say…to think…to feel in those moments that she loved him. And it seemed to him that his first and last conscious thoughts of the day, not to mention the countless in-between, would continue to be of her…of how much he loved her, wanted her, and needed her. Just like it had been before, except this time, he would be left with the knowledge that for awhile she had loved him, but now she didn't.

"I don't want to…this isn't…" she continued to try and as Xander saw her in this state, he just wanted to walk over to her, hold her, and try to take away the pain he realized she was feeling in doing this. As much as he wanted to hate her for what she was about to do to him…he couldn't. Even though he knew that he was the cause of her struggle and knew whatever it was she was going to say to him…how much it was going to hurt him…he wanted so bad to hold her and make it better…and he did.

For a rare moment in his life, Xander acted on impulse. He walked behind her, held her close, and took the time to remember the moment that would probably be the last time she would ever be this close to him, before whispering in her ear, "Buffy, just tell me good-bye…that's all you have to do. Tell me good-bye and I'll go. Not because I want to, but because I want you to be happy…even if it's not going to be with me."

Buffy closed her eyes and took in the warmth of his embrace and as she felt her eyes give way to her tears and slowly wiped those that had fallen away from the sides of her face, she whispered, "Good-bye…Xander."

Reluctantly, his arms let go of her and immediately she felt a chill and shivered, but only for a moment as she felt a familiar Xander-scented jacket wrap over her shoulders. She turned around to thank him, but he was gone.

Sighing, he finally looked back at her some distance away and felt cold. Not from the lack of his jacket, but from the fact that he felt something missing…whether it was part of his heart or his whole heart that was gone, he wasn't sure, but he was betting on the latter. And before he continued the lonely tread home without her and his heart, he whispered in the night, "Good-bye, Buffy…I love you…"