Buffy.

Will I ever get that name out of my mind?

Here I am, all alone as usual. It’s a school night. The stars look nice. I guess I’ll watch them for awhile. Maybe they can help me think of someone else, anyone else but Buffy.

I’ll never forget the day I first laid eyes on her. Skateboarding to school, I saw her walk by, and then saw myself plummet straight into a steel rail. Later, I tried talking to her and made a complete doofus out of myself. Figures.

Then I found her wooden stake. Curious, I returned it to her after she became friends with Willow, my best bud. She said it was for self-defense. Everyone has them out in LA. Sure.

I forgot about it. Maybe I was completely insane, but I actually went into the library that day to look for some math books. Never would have imagined what I would hear. Buffy came in, calling out the librarian, Giles, who turned out to be the all-knowing Watcher. And Buffy... I never would have believed what she turned out to be.

You are the Slayer. And to each generation a Slayer is born, the one girl in all the world, the chosen one, who has the power to fight the Vampires...

That was weird. It was also crazy. And as crazy as it was, it all turned out to be true. Buffy saved Willow from vampires that night. The next day, the four of us saved the world. Hanging out with this girl is so not a drag.

From there, the adventures continued. The four of us, including Giles, have defeated bloodsucking fiends, spirit-possessing hyenas, internet demons, giant bugs, and a whole lot more. We even managed to save the world again. Make that twice again. Heck, I’ve lost count.

And through it all, I fell deeper and deeper in love with Buffy. She’s everything a guy could want: beauty, brains, and she can seriously kick butt. Buffy has always considered me one of her closest friends, but she never hinted that there was anything more. It hit me like a jackhammer when she said she was in love with Angel. The guy is a vampire, for God’s sake! Their fling didn’t last long, though, and when the spring dance came, I figured it was the best time to make my move. I couldn’t bear to wait any longer, anyway.

I’ll never forget asking her out. And I’ll never forget her answer. I was rejected, turned away, blown off, whatever you want to call it. And it hurt. It hurt to know that she didn’t feel anything for me but friendship. It hurt to know she was yearning for a 241-year-old vampire, someone who she could never be with. It hurt to know that she would never be mine. And it still hurts now.

Then I found out about the prophecy. Buffy would face the Master that night, and she would die. Without thinking, I rushed off to find Angel, the only one who could possibly know where the Master was. We found her in the sewer, dead from drowning. I frantically gave her CPR, praying to God it wasn’t too late. I didn’t want to lose her. Even if she would never be anything more to me than a friend. Even if she wound up with him. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted her back.

When her eyes opened up, it may have been the greatest moment of my life. She looked at me, said my name, and I knew then that everything was going to be okay. The three of us rushed to the school, and Buffy promptly killed the Master once and for all. Well, one can only hope...

It wasn’t long before this incredible girl disappeared from my life. Leaving to stay with her father for the summer, Willow and I were left to enjoy the pleasant boredom of those months. I forgot about Buffy as much as I could. Somehow, I even managed to forget that I was still madly in love with her.

Right before school started again, Willow and I almost kissed. Maybe it was out of loneliness. Maybe it was out of desperation. I don’t know. But we were rudely interrupted by a vampire, who was then rudely interrupted by Buffy. She slayed the undead thing. Thus, Buffy was back, and I knew that everything was back to normal. Or back to being weird.

Unfortunately, for some reason, Buffy was different. She started acting distant, aloof, even mean. At the Bronze one night, I’ll never forget the lust I saw in her eyes when she asked me to dance. It was incredible. She danced close to me, acting like she wanted me. Then she said, Xander... Did I ever thank you for saving my life? I said no. And her reply plunged through my heart like a stake. Don’t you wish I would? And she walked off.

I never let on to anyone how bitter I was. To think that she would use my feelings for her to hurt me was almost more than I could bear. Things got worse. She refused to work with Willow and me when dealing with the Anointed One, and we were attacked while she was lured off on some wild goose chase.

Willow, Giles, Cordelia, and Ms. Calendar were kidnapped in a plot to return the Master to life, but Buffy was able to save the day once again. The next day, Willow and I forgave her for everything. How could we not? How could I not?

Well, it hasn’t even been a year since this incredibly special girl entered my life and turned it completely inside out. We’ve been through so much, and I know we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what may lay ahead? None of us may even live to see tommorrow. Knowing this makes me want her even more.

So here I am, standing outside my house, staring out into the twilight. Willow’s at home doing homework, Buffy’s probably prowling the night, Giles and Jenny are... well, it’s scary just to imagine, and I’m just trying to make some sense out of this crazy life I live. There’s not much that can be made sense of. But, as I stare into the black abyss, there is one thing I know for sure.

I’m in love with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I can’t deny it. I won’t deny it. I tried to forget her, to move on with Ampata... and literally almost got the life sucked out of me. It’s kind of funny. I know I’m wasting my time with her. I know that I’ve got no chance. But I can’t let her go. Although it tears me up inside, I just can’t. I won’t ever again put any pressure on her, though. I’ll just stand beside her and do everything I can to protect her. I love her too much to do anything else. Who knows? Maybe someday she’ll...Yeah, right. In the meantime, I just remembered the other thing I also know for sure.

Love really DOES suck.

* * *

Xander.

How can I concentrate on Algebra? All I can think about is him.

We’ve known each other since we were little kids. We’ve almost always been the best of friends. We’ve hung together through thick and thin. Nowadays, it seems to just keep getting more and more thick.

It started out as a crush. It’s not real easy for me to talk to guys. It’s not easy for me to talk to people, period. I guess it was only natural that I would wind up falling for someone who I was already close to. But it makes things so much more complicated.

Buffy.

She is without question the best and worst thing that has ever happened to us. She’s saved our lives numerous times. Heck, she’s even saved the world. Okay, so me and Xander have helped her out on occasion. It’s all been a lot of fun. But it’s also been a lot of agony. For me. For us.

Xander loves Buffy. I think he’s been in love with her since the day he met her. He always told me about how he wanted to go out with her. He even practiced asking her out on me. I just can’t shake the irony of it all.

Eventually, he asked her out to the spring dance. And she rejected him. I remember meeting with him afterwards. His heart was in shreds. He then asked me to go to the dance with him. In any other scenario, it would have been a dream come true. But not here. I didn’t want to go to the dance with him and watch him wish he was there with her. That’s not what I had envisioned.

Then there was that night. At the end of the summer, Xander plunged his ice cream onto my nose. At that moment, our eyes caught fire. His hands gently touched my face, and he moved close to me. It was just like a fairy tale.

Until Buffy arrived.

Actually, it was really when a vampire arrived. Xander and I probably would have been killed if she hadn’t come when she did, and I was so happy to be be alive at the moment that I didn’t care. I was glad to see her. But later, looking back, I felt a little resentment towards Buffy. I know that sounds harsh. True, she had saved our lives, but in another way, her return had ruined us. With her back in Sunnydale, I knew that any feelings Xander had for me were gone... probably forever. Xander and I are still friends, but I want so much more.

Then there was the Bronze. Buffy had been acting strange already, but when she flirted with Xander right in front of me... that tore me apart. And when she led him on, pretending she was going to kiss him, and then simply walked off like she didn’t care... that hurt even worse. But after she saved us from the clutches of the Anointed One, Xander and I forgave her. She had been under a lot of stress at the time. Being a slayer is a lot to deal with.

I really do care deeply for Buffy. She’ll always be one of my best friends. It just hurts sometimes knowing she’s the reason I’ll never have the one person I love more than anyone else in the entire world.

So what do I do? Sit around and wait for something that’s never going to happen? I guess that’s the only thing I can do. Maybe, someday, Xander will realize how I feel about him, and he’ll feel the same thing for me.

I wonder what he’s doing right now. Who he’s thinking of. Actually, I think I know the answer to that one. And that knowledge is tearing my heart out.

Wherever you are, Xander...

I love you.

* * *

Buffy.

I can feel her out there... roaming the night. My senses pick her up. She is so close... yet so far away.

I am hungry tonight. A hundred years ago, that would mean terror for any living human who came across my path. I was one of the most, if not the most, savage predator to ever walk the earth. My fangs spilled nothing but blood and death. And I loved every moment of it, just like every vampire before me.

Until the day I ran into a gypsy. She put a curse on my soul. And with that curse came a certain discovery.

Guilt.

It is nothing less than guilt that has tortured my heart for the past century. Every time I sleep, I dream... and I see my victims crying out, screaming in pain as I take their lives. Every time I awake, I feel cold sweat across my face, knowing that there’s nothing I can do to stop the nightmares. Nothing I can do to erase my past. Nothing I can do to make up for the monster I had become and the horror I had unleashed. But I can at least try.

When the hellmouth dawned on Sunnydale, I knew the Slayer would be called. And I knew I had to help her. In any way I could.

Buffy.

I picture her now. Her soft blonde hair, her lovely blue eyes, the sweet curves of her face... It wasn’t long before I fell in love with this 16-year-old girl. A vampire in love with a Slayer. It was, as Giles put it, rather poetic.

I know that I love her. I think she loves me. And this love of ours is perhaps the worst curse of all.

We can never be together. The deeper we fall in love, the more she’ll be hurt in the end. So many times I’ve contemplated leaving Sunnydale to let her get on with her life. But there’s so much more at stake. I canwarn her of danger. I can help her to be aware of what’s coming. With Xander’s help, I saved her life after her defeat at the hands of the Master.

The Master is gone now, hopefully forever. But the danger is not over. Not yet, perhaps not ever. If the hellmouth opens, it will be the end of the world. And when you get right down to it, what do the feelings of two people amount to compared to the fate of the entire world?

Sacrifice and commitment. That is the drill. We do what we must. And I must protect her. I can’t let her die. I’m not sure I can live without her. And yet, I know that she will one day grow old and die, and then I will be alone again. Perhaps that will be the day I plunge a wooden stake into my own heart, and my dust becomes one with the earth... forever.

The moon is full tonight. Stars litter the sky. And Buffy is out there...

Somewhere.

* * *

The night air is warm. The moonlight is beautiful. And the Slayer, namely me, is on the hunt.

No vampires out tonight. It’s a slow evening for a change. I’m the last one you’ll ever hear complaining, although slaying is what I do. And, on occasion, saving the world.

My name is Buffy Summers. A select few people know me as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which sounds pretty cool, but it’s not really a nickname I want to catch on. I like to keep a low profile. You live longer that way.

Here I am wandering through the night again. Mom thinks I went to the Bronze. If she knew I was risking my life trying to bring peace and order to the universe... Well, I guess that would be a bit much for a parent to deal with.

I’ve gotten my own fears under control... sort of. Being the Slayer, I know how to handle myself when push comes to shove. Fighting vampires is pretty cut and dried. Fighting my emotions, however, the demons inside my head... that’s another story.

Angel.

I feel so confused now whenever I think about him. I’ve never known anyone like him in my whole life. He’s tall, dark, mysterious... every girl’s wildest fantasy come true. I never knew love before I met him.

But Angel is a vampire. As much as I want to deny it, there’s no future for us. But I can’t seem to let go of him. I need him. And yet I feel so much guilt. I’ve caused so much pain for my friends. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

And then there’s Xander.

I remember the first time I met him. He was so awkward, shy, and had trouble getting the right words to come out. I was immediately turned off, and I walked away from him. Later on, I got to know Willow, who was Xander’s best friend, and my Slayer activities quickly brought the three of us close together. Xander and Willow quickly became my two best friends in the entire world.

But Xander wanted more. He admitted his feelings while possessed by an evil hyena, but thankfully lost all memory of it when he was cured. Still, it was rather obvious the way he felt about me. But I didn’t feel that way about him.

I guess a part of it was because I knew that Willow was in love with him, and she still is. But mostly it was because I was so hot for Angel that I just couldn’t contemplate being with anyone else. But, despite all that, Xander eventually asked me to go out with him. And I had the painful task of turning him down. Obviously, it hurt him a lot more than it hurt me.

Then came my battle with the Master. He killed me in the underground catacombs and then left for the surface. Xander, after hearing about the prophecy that I was to die, rushed to Angel and the two of them came down to find me. Xander used CPR to save my life.

I killed the Master that night, but he wasn’t truly gone. Perhaps he’ll never be truly gone. I remember those summer nights staying with my dad. The nightmares would come so frequently. The Master would rise from his grave, chase after me, and strike me dead.

The Master didn’t just haunt me. He invaded my mind, turning my feelings inside out, until all I could feel much of the time was hate, anger, and rage. My personality changed... for the worse. Upon returning to school, I became obssessed with my training. I became obsessed with slaying every vampire I could find.

I also began to deeply resent my role as the Slayer, as protector of the world. I resented the fact that such a burden had been placed on my shoulders. I resented the fact that I had to constantly risk my life. And I resented the fact that I had needed help from Angel, Giles, Willow, and Xander so much in the past, that I couldn’t handle things on my own. I was determined to get by without anyone’s help from that point on.

I first turned my anger towards Cordelia. After that, I hurt Angel, telling him I didn’t want to be around him anymore. Then I went after Xander and Willow. At the bronze, I flirted with him right in front of her and Angel. I danced with Xander, making him think I wanted him. Then I simply left him on the dance floor looking stupid. I might as well have slapped him in the face after everything he had done for me.

Then I made the blunder of rushing off to the Bronze looking for vampires without listening to anyone. I left them behind, and they were attacked and taken prisoner. Perhaps that was why the Master got into my head. To make me careless.

I managed to save them and dispose of the Master’s bones. When I finished smashing his bones into pieces, my head finally felt clear again. His presense was gone. But it had almost cost me everything and everyone I hold dear.

Does Xander love me? Maybe he does. I had hoped he would get over me during my summer absence, but when I looked into his eyes on the dance floor at the Bronze, I knew it wasn’t true. But now I’m not so sure I want him to.

I’ve saved Xander’s life a few times, but he’s also saved mine. From almost the very beginning, when the two of us went into the catacombs to look for Jesse, he helped save my life. If he hadn’t been there, I never would have gotten that steel door closed in time and that horde of vampires would have killed me for sure.

Xander has always been there for me. Even after I crushed him when I turned him down for the dance, he still risked his life to come after me in the catacombs. A truer friend I could never have. But deep down I don’t think that will ever be enough for him. And yet, I wonder if it will ever be enough for me. Right now, I feel so torn between him and Angel.

It’s all so crazy. Besides me, Xander has fallen for two women who turned out to be a giant preying mantis and a 500-year-old mummy. I’ve fallen for a vampire. Even when I tried Owen, a normal guy, my activities as the Slayer put him in so much danger that I had to break it off. With Xander, I have the only guy who knows me for what I am and can accept it, yet I turned him down. Funny, it seems like Xander is the only one who I could ever possibly have a real relationship with.

Xander and me... together? It’s hard for me to imagine. I can’t believe I’m even thinking about it. But ever since I watched him take Ampata off to the dance... And what about Willow? It’s such a crazy love circle. Willow loves Xander. Xander loves me. Angel and I love each other, but we can never be together. If anything ever happened between Xander and I, Willow would be devastated. She’d probably hate me forever. So none of us can win here. Everybody loses. Major bummer.

And is it really Angel I’m in love with? Or am I just in love with a fantasy? Am I so afraid of losing someone that I’ve chosen the one person I can never have, that can never be mine? The fantasy is always so much nicer than reality. That is, until reality comes crashing in.

Now I’m really confused.

Xander... Willow... Angel... Cordelia... Giles... How many times must we dance the dance? This crazy, suicidal dance... each step taking us closer to the edge. How long can we delay the inevitable? Sometimes I wonder how many more Masters will come and go before they get killed, or I get killed, or we all get killed.

Do the walls come down? Can they? Can we ever break free of these barriers keeping us from happiness? Or are we all forever stuck where we are, hoping for that special someone but never finding them, until one day we find ourselves old and gray and wondering, “What happened to my life?”

Great. I’m babbling in my thoughts.

Well, I guess I better head home now. Too bad. It really is a beautiful night. But I just remembered another upcoming doom that I have to face.

Trigonometry homework.