Xander: "It's part of this whole cultural exchange megilla."

Buffy: "Have you ever done an exchange program?"
Xander: "My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?"

Xander: "By guy-like, we are talking big, beefy, guy-like girl, right?"

Xander: "Hold on a sec. So this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man, with man parts? This is a terrible idea."
Willow: "What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?"
Xander: "There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself."

Xander: "Oh, that's Rodney Munson. He's god's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts."
Willow: "You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years."
Xander: "Yeah, I'm irrational that way."

Buffy: "I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?"
Xander: "The important thing is, you believe that."

Xander: "Typical museum trick: Promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans."

Tour Guide: "Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess."
Willow: "I hope this story ends with, 'And she lived happily ever after.'"
Xander: "No, I think it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.'"

Xander: "What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine."

Giles: "Your secret identity is going to be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you..."
Xander: "Not - with her. In the same house as her. Am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction?"

Buffy: "I thought you were taking Willow."
Xander: "Well, yeah, I'm gonna take Willow, but I'm not gonna take Willow, in the sense of "take me." See, with you, we're three, and everybody's safe. Without you, we're two."
Buffy: "Ah, and we enter dateville - romance, flowers."
Xander: "Lips."

Xander: "Okay, I just saved us, right?"

Xander: "Buffy, where are your priorities? Tracking down a mummifying killer or making time for some Latin lover whose stock in trade is the breakage of hearts?"

Xander: "Oh, yeah. Fall for the old let-me-translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you come on. Do you know how many times I've used that?"

Xander: "So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides doritos and chihuahua."

Xander: "Ay carumba! I can also say that."

Ampada: "I listened much."
Xander: "Well, that works out well, 'cause I talk much."

Xander: "And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy "food" feeling in your stomach."

Ampada: "You are strange."
Xander: "Girls always tell me that right before they run away."
Ampada: "I like it."
Xander: "I like you like it. Please, don't learn from my English."

Xander: "We're in the crime club. Which is kind of like the chess club, only with crime, and no chess."

Xander: "Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret and it's a little bit scary. I like you... a lot. And I want you to go with me to the dance."
Ampada: "Why is that scary?"

Xander: "You're not a praying mantis, are you? Sorry - someone else."

Xander: "Okay. At least I can rule out something I said."

Xander: "I just - present company excluded - I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world - ever!"

Buffy: "I do think she cared about you."
Xander: "Yeah, but I think that whole sucking-the-life-out-of-people thing would have been a strain on the relationship."