Xander: "You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk."
Cordelia: "Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights out."
Xander: "Are you saying you can't look at me when we do... whatever it is we do?"
Cordelia: "It's not that I can't, it's just more... I don't want to."
Xander: "All in all, this is not what I'd call a big self-esteem booster."
Cordelia: "Tell me about it! Just look at you!"
Xander: "I don't need this."
Cordelia: "Ditto! Like a hole in the head!"
[They Kiss]

Mr.Whitmore: "How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings."
Xander: "Yes!"
Mr. Whitmore: "That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll."

Xander: "You want to talk negative consequences? What about the heartbreak of halitosis?I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing, the bloom is definitely off the rose."
Cordelia: "Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the hoover technique is a big turn on."
Xander: "What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chit-chat just so you can get some touch?"

Buffy: "Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?"
Xander: "I think the word you're searching for is absent."

Xander: "Well, you know, it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally do not get. You got to take care of the egg. It's a baby. You got to keep it safe and teach it Christian values."
Willow: "My egg is Jewish."
Xander: "Then teach it that dreidel song."

Buffy: "I'm a single mother?"
Xander: "No man of her own."

Xander: "Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?"

Xander: "You can't stress over every little thing. A child picks up on that. Which is a one-way ticket to neurotic city."

Xander: "Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes."
Willow: "You boiled your egg?"
Xander: "Yeah, I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind."
Giles: "I suppose there is a kind of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression."
Xander: "I resent that! Or possibly thank you."

Xander: "Can I just say... ghuuuh!"
Buffy: "I'll see your ghuuuh! and raise you a nuuuhh!"

Buffy: "Me? Why do I have to dissect it?"
Xander: "Because you're the Slayer."
Buffy: "And I slayed. My work here is done!"
Xander: "Oh no, I almost ate one of these things. I think I've fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade."

Xander: "Cordelia! I don't want to hurt you. Some of the time."

Willow: "Did I really hit you?"
Xander: "You knocked me out."
Cordelia: "Did I hit you?"
Xander: "Yes, everyone hit me!"

Buffy: "How is she?"
Xander: "She's a bit confused, but it's going around."