Xander: "Okay, big yuks. When are you guys going to stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?"
Buffy: "I'm sorry. But never. I just think you could find somebody more... better."
Xander: "In a parallel universe, maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is, um, unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speaking. You know, just, um, enjoying comfortable silence. Man, that was dull."
Buffy: "I'm glad you guys are getting along. Almost really. And don't stress over the gift."
Xander: "Well, this is new territory for me. My valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders."

Xander: "I wish dating was like slaying: You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss."
Buffy: "Sorry to say, Xand, but slaying is a tad more perilous than dating."
Xander: "Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia."

Xander: "This time I'm ready for you. No "F" for Xander today. No. This baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus."

Cordelia: "Your clothes... you look so good."
Xander: I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically."
Cordelia: Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you?"
Xander: "Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here."

Xander: "Once, twice, a kissy here, and kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. And maybe that's all we have here - tawdry teen lust."

Cordelia: "Thank you, it's beautiful. I want to break up."
Xander: "Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for."

Xander: "Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?"

Xander: "Blackmail is such an ugly word."
Amy: "I didn't say blackmail."
Xander: "Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up."

Xander: "What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for once, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me."

Amy: "A love spell?"
Xander: "Yeah. You know, just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe anything but little old moi."

Amy: "But that kind of thing is the hardest. I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity?"
Xander: "Whoa, whoa, back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes."

Amy: "Intent has to be pure with love spells."
Xander: "Right, I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow."

Xander: "Oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I'm not going to make a big scene. I just want the necklace back."
Cordelia: "What? I thought it was a gift."
Xander: "No, last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. Figure I can melt it down, sell it for fillings or something."

Xander: "Is this love? 'Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different."

Xander: "I have a plan. We'll use me as bait."
Buffy: "You mean, make Angel come after you?"
Xander: "No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at, 'cause it would be more fun than my life."
Buffy: "Yeah, I heard about you and Cordy. That's her loss."
Xander: "Not really the popular theory."

Buffy: "Why don't you and I do something together tonight? Just the two of us."
Xander: "Really?"
Buffy: "Yeah. We can comfort each other."
Xander: "Would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting."
Buffy: "Play your cards right..."
Xander: "Okay, uh, you do know that I'm Xander, right?"

Xander: "You know what? It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. I think we've all grown. I gotta go."

Willow: "Sorry. I wanted to surprise you."
Xander: "Good job. High marks."
Willow: "Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before."
Xander: "Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas."

Willow: "People grow apart. They grow closer."
Xander: "This is good. How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, I could even back up a few paces and still be happy. See?"
Willow: "I want you, Xander... to be my first."
Xander: "Baseball! Please tell me we're talking baseball."

Xander: "I don't want to use force."
Willow: "Force is okay."
Xander: "It's time for me to act like a man. And hide."

Giles: "What is it?"
Xander: "It's me... throwing myself at your mercy."
Giles: "What? Why?"
Xander: "I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired. And now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey. Which may sound swell on paper, but..."

Giles: "I cannot believe that you were fool enough to do something like this."
Xander: "Oh no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this."

Xander: "Buff... for the love of god, don't open that raincoat."

Xander: "Would you quit with the Hecate?"

Cordelia: "Why has everyone gone insane?"
Xander: "Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?"
Cordelia: "The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft."
Xander: "That is such a... Well, yeah, okay, good point."

Drusilla: "Your face is a poem. Oh, I can read it."
Xander: "Really? It doesn't say, "spare me" by any chance?"
Drusilla: "How do you feel about eternal life?"
Xander: "We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?"

Buffy: "I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... and then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't."
Xander: "Need cheese?"

Xander: "I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute it was touch-and-go there."

Cordelia: "Oh, god, what have I done? They're never going to speak to me again."
Xander: "Oh, sure they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them, you and I can fight a lot."
Cordelia: "You promise?"
Xander: "You can pretty much count on it."