Chapter Three: Tender Mercies

Carly twisted the key in the lock of her apartment door, then stopped dead. 
Nikolas was standing, almost in a daze, behind her. He'd said barely a word to 
her in the last half-hour. But then, even if he had spoke, what did they really 
have to say to each other? They'd probably exhausted all topics of conversation 
at this point. And it wasn't like he knew the first thing about her. Yet here 
she was, about to open the door to her small apartment in the back of her 
mother's brownstone and let him in. 

She was momentarily paralyzed with fear. 

No one had ever been here. No one but her brother, her mother, and her Uncle 
Luke… and that was only because he was persistent and nosy. She closed her eyes 
and tried desperately to remember what kind of state she'd left the place it. 
Not that it mattered. She felt like depression hung in the air of the apartment. 
No matter what she did, she couldn't vanquish it. And now she was pulling this 
man into it with her. What was she doing, what was she doing, what was she 
doing…? 

Nikolas, who had been conducting an in depth study of the hard wood floor in the 
hallway, became aware of time passing, and looked up. Carly was standing in 
front of the door, not moving, one hand on the doorknob, the other on the wood 
of the doorjamb. He felt suspended in time and blinked to reassure himself that 
he hadn't just stumbled into some freeze-frame moment in life. It was taking him 
far too long to notice things right now. All his concentration kept falling on 
small things. He'd never been honestly drunk before, and if he wasn't now, then 
he was dangerously close. At the same time, he knew he wasn't so far gone that 
he wasn't questioning how he'd ended up here. He'd told himself he shouldn't do 
it from the moment she'd suggested it. He'd repeated to himself that it was a 
bad idea, that nothing good could possibly come from it, as they'd walked back 
to the parking lot, as she'd kissed him again, as they'd found transportation… 
But here he was, and he was making no effort at all to get himself out of this 
situation. 

He stepped forward, and walked purposely behind her. 

“Are you alright?” 

At the sound of his voice, Carly closed her eyes, and decided this was too late. 
She was here, she was with him, she didn't want to be alone tonight… All she had 
to do was find a way to open the door. She leaned back against him, hand still 
on the doorknob. Nikolas frowned in momentary confusion as he felt the warmth of 
her body press against him. Why did he feel like he never knew what to do with 
this woman? He decided to stop trying to think about it, and just lowered his 
head to breath in the scent of her hair. 

Intoxicating… It clouded his mind more than the champagne had. Without realizing 
it, Nikolas reached out and ran his fingertips down Carly's bare arm. She 
shivered against him, which broke him out of his spell. He started, momentarily 
bewildered. God, his mind just wouldn't obey direct orders. Carly, however, was 
now standing on her own two feet and opening the door to her apartment. 

“Ok. This is it,” she said with put on confidence, as she strode into the room. 
The place wasn't as bad as it could have been. There was a towel tossed 
carelessly on the back of the couch and the magazines on the coffee table were 
scattered, but since she hadn't been eating much lately there were no dirty 
dishes, no neglected glasses of half-drank soda, or any of the other horrors the 
place could have offered. She decided it was safe to turn on the light 

Nikolas stood in the doorway a moment, taking in the tiny living space. The 
apartment, as far as he could tell, consisted of two rooms… a living room with a 
very modest kitchenette at the far side, and a bedroom, the door to which was 
ajar. Carly flipped on the lamp by the couch on her way into the kitchen. Her 
demeanor was notably different than it had been in the hall… bright and suddenly 
cheerful. She looked back at him. 

“Are you backing out on me now?” 

Nikolas, gradually becoming aware that she had asked him a question, shook his 
head and entered the room, closing the door behind him. He'd never been in this 
part of the house before. In fact, he'd rarely been to the Brownstone… Bobbie 
was easy enough to find when he'd needed her, usually at the hospital. He looked 
around the room, at the overstuffed couch, the wicker and glass coffee table, 
the small television that was covered in dust… It seemed well lived in. Small 
and close, a good place to hide. 

Carly, unnerved by Nikolas' silence, wracked her brain for something to say. 

“Hey, can I get you something to drink?”

There was some sort of smell Nikolas could pick up but couldn't put his finger 
on. It wasn't unpleasant, just something light but distinctive. Feminine. 
Probably part of the reason he wasn't sure what it was. Carly cocked her head at 
him. 

“Earth to Nikolas… Are you still with me?” 

“I'm sorry, what?” Nikolas snapped out of his contemplation and looked over at 
her. 

“Drink. Do you want something?” 

Nikolas couldn't imagine what he should answer to that. He took a moment to 
evaluate his position and decided his brain was operating just a little too 
clearly for his taste. It was already becoming clear that there was nothing 
worse that being just a little drunk. Drunk, but still sober enough to care. 

“Yes,” he said finally. “I think so.” 

Carly frowned at him. “You sure about that?” she asked, immediately regretting 
it. She sure as hell needed something more to drink and this gave her a pretty 
good excuse without looking like a complete lush. Nikolas didn't answer, 
however, so she just shook it off. “I've only got beer… pretty common, I guess.” 
Again, no response. Great, she thought to herself as she headed off to the 
refrigerator. She'd kissed a prince and turned him into the incredible zombie 
man. 

It took Nikolas several moments to decide that sitting down was probably a good 
idea. Expected. He examined the couch, the large beige and peach floral pattern 
swimming in front of his eyes. Different. Nothing he'd ever see at Wyndemere. He 
sat down gingerly at the edge of the couch and waited, in agony, for Carly to 
return. 

Carly, still in her bride's maid's regalia… the crown of flowers slightly askew, 
swept out of the kitchen, two bottles held between the fingers of her right 
hand. She stopped in front of Nikolas, taking in his ridged position. What the 
hell was he so tense about? She shook her head, not wanting to pursue the 
question any further, and thrust her arm out, offering him one of the bottles. 
Nikolas stared at it a moment before taking it, then looked back at Carly, as if 
awaiting some sort of instruction. Carly twisted the cap off expertly, and 
regarded it a moment. She looked up at Nikolas and smiled. “And now I remember 
why I never drink beer when I'm wearing a dress with no pockets.” 

Nikolas looked down at the bottle again, then twisted the cap off. It tore at 
his palm a little, but generally came off with little effort. He looked back at 
her. “What?” 

“It was a trick my girlfriend's taught me in high school. If you want to keep 
track of how much you drink at a party or something, you hang onto the beer 
caps. Then you just count them up later on, and you kinda know how drunk you 
are. Of course, if it's a kegger or something you're totally screwed.” 

Nikolas stared at Carly dumbly, having less than no idea how to respond to that. 
Carly, sensing that her conversation wasn't exactly scintillating to him, turned 
away abruptly, moving to her stereo and studied her CD's critically. 

“Soooo… What kinda music are feeling like tonight?” 

Nikolas took a swig of the beer and made a face. This was a truly revolting 
beverage. “Uh… Tonight?” 

“Yeah,” Carly straightened up and looked back at him. “You know. Music to mourn 
the love lost. What are you into?” 

Nikolas gave this great consideration, mostly to avoid having to continue to 
attempt to drink the beer in his hand. “Mostly… Beethoven. Some of the moodier 
Bach. I avoid Mozart.” 

Don't laugh, Carly told herself firmly. Don't laugh, that won't serve any 
purpose. She took a long pull from her bottle instead, then looked up at him. 
“Uh, fresh out of Bach.” She hit the button of her CD player and the drawer slid 
out. “We have Melissa Etheridge on deck.” 

“Who?” 

“Great stuff when your heart gets stomped on,” Carly mused, pulling the CD out 
of the machine and tossing it on top of the stereo. “First album, especially.” 

Nikolas nodded and decided that taste be damned, he needed something to take the 
edge off this conversation. He took another long drink from the bottle, then put 
it down on the coffee table. Carly scanned the CD's quickly, trying to find 
something inoffensive but appropriate. She decided on a little listened to album 
she'd picked up a few years ago, and slipped it into the CD player, hitting the 
“random” button before turning back to Nikolas. 

“This might be more your speed,” she said lightly as the rich chords of the 
first song filled the room. Carly decided to focus on getting this stupid bottle 
out of her hand, and took a long drink before walking, a little unevenly, across 
the room. She glanced over at Nikolas, trying not to look like she was paying 
too much attention to his presence. God he looked uncomfortable. Probably he 
hadn't expected this to involve so much talking. In fact, she was a little 
surprised that things were still in the living room. But then, outside his touch 
at the door, he hadn't made a single other move on her. Carly looked down at her 
bottle, then quickly chugged the rest of the contents. Ok, Caroline, she told 
herself. You didn't get this far in life by waiting for other people to take the 
initiative. She put the bottle down, and strode over to the sofa, flopping down 
on the opposite end. Nikolas looked over at her, a disoriented look on his face. 

“Sooo… What's the saying? 'A penny for your thoughts'” 

Nikolas shook his head. “I wouldn't know.” 

“What?” Carly pressed on. “The saying, or your thoughts?” 

Nikolas smiled, suddenly finding some humor in his situation. “Either,” he told 
her, carefully. Carly grinned, and pulled the crown of flowers off her head. She 
ran her fingers through her shoulder length hair repeatedly, pulling out a few 
bobby pins. 

“Well, congratulations,” she said lightly. “That's where I've been trying to get 
all night.” 

Nikolas nodded slowly, not really following her logic. Carly slid down the 
couch, her knee brushing lightly against Nikolas' thigh. Nikolas, suddenly 
desperate for something to do with his hands, gripped the arm of the sofa for 
all he was worth. Why was this so hard? Why was this whole thing making his 
heart pound through every fiber of his being? He was beginning to feel dizzy and 
she was barely touching him. 

“I think,” Carly said slowly, “I need an added distraction, you know?” 

Or, she thought, you could give me five minutes and I could put up a neon sign 
for you. She leaned forward, and brought her hand up to straighten the collar of 
Nikolas' shirt. Nikolas reached up and straightened the collar himself, pulling 
it tight around his neck and doing up the top button. Carly sat back, descending 
into complete confusion. 

“Uh, Nikolas?” she ventured, suddenly feeling very insecure. “What are you 
doing?” 

Nikolas shook his head. He'd love to know the answer to that question. Carly 
took a deep breath and decided to try for ball two. 

“Come on. I don't bite.” Carly stopped, and smiled devilishly. “Well. Not if you 
don't want me too.” 

Oh, that was it. Nikolas' stomach knotted violently and he felt certain he was 
going to be sick. This was wrong. This was fundamentally wrong. He was in love 
with Robin Scorpio and he was here with this woman who he had nothing in common 
with, nothing to say to, but who kept making his head swim. No. It was a big 
mistake. He had to get out of here. 

“Uh, Carly…” Nikolas swallowed hard as he met her gaze. She was looking at him 
with a mixture of confusion and amusement. He cleared his throat, but it didn't 
help. His tongue still felt thick, and his whole body too heavy to move. 'GET 
OUT!' a voice in his head continued to scream at him. 'WHAT IS TO BE GAINED 
HERE?' 

Carly moved closer, deciding that if Nikolas wasn't going to talk, she might as 
well make her intentions clear. For such a smart guy, he was being awfully slow. 
Nikolas sank back against the couch as Carly moved closer, feeling trapped, 
caged. She descending on him, her mouth coming down on his and kissing him 
meaningfully. The moment her lips touched his Nikolas felt his resistance melt 
away. Instantly. The annoying voice in his head silenced, the confusion, the 
tension, all of it. It was so easy. His grip on the arm of the couch was 
released and his hand moved up into her hair, pulling her closer to him. Carly, 
taking what she read to be a cue, slid across the couch, still kissing him 
softly, and moved to straddle his lap. 

Nikolas tensed again immediately, and Carly pulled back, looking at him with 
concern. 

“Is something wrong?” She frowned. “Do you… Do you want to…” 

“No,” Nikolas answered too quickly. “Nothing's wrong… It's… Nothing. This is 
fine.” 

The second the word was out of Nikolas' mouth, he cringed. “Fine”. Oh, he hadn't 
just said that. Carly was still looking at him like he had two heads, until the 
answer slowly dawned on her. A knowing smile, one that make Nikolas' guts twist 
violently, spread across her face. 

“Nikolas?” her voice became soft, with a gentle lilt to it. She studied his face 
carefully. He wouldn't make eye contact with her. “Nikolas, have you ever been 
with a woman before?” 

The answer, apparent from the violent flush that immediately crept up Nikolas' 
neck and bled into his face, was a resounding no. Nikolas' arms moved up to 
Carly's shoulders gently pushing her back from him. 

“This was a mistake,” he muttered, trying to figure out how to extricate himself 
from this position. Carly didn't move. 

“No,” she said softly. She lay a hand over Nikolas' heart. “It's ok. It's really 
ok.” She leaned forward, pushing Nikolas back against the soft cushions of the 
couch, and slid her hips closer to him, her movements becoming instantly bolder. 
Nikolas stared at her, his mouth having gone dry. She leaned in to kiss him. 
“It's alright, just relax.” 

Nikolas was about to tell her he didn't think that was a possibility when he 
found her lips against his again. “Just relax,” she said softly, against his 
lips. Nikolas closed his eyes and felt himself, actually felt the floor, the 
couch, all sensation of “ground”, of where he was, fall away from him. She was 
so soft. Her touch was so gentle, and the way it was making him feel was 
indescribable. And that smell. Whatever it was, he had no idea, but it was light 
and soft, something like… Spring flowers? Or a garden after rain. Intangible. 
But with her against him, with his face so close to hers, he could now tell it 
was a perfume. The smell intensified when she moved her hands up his chest and 
slid them up to cup his face. Carly heard Nikolas moan, or perhaps try to speak, 
in their kiss. She found herself smiling at how enthusiastically he was 
responding to her. She felt a surge of power. Of being beautiful and alluring 
and irresistible. That familiar feeling of knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, 
that the man she was with wanted her, desired her with single-minded lust. It 
wasn't as good as being loved, but in her darkest moments, it came awfully 
close. 

Nikolas' hand moved up and grabbed Carly's wrist in a sudden gesture that 
startled her. Carly pulled back, gasping for breath. What was going on here? 

“What is it?” she panted, unable to cover how deeply into the moment she had 
been before this sudden break. 

Nikolas stared at her creamy white skin on the inside of her wrist. It was so 
soft, untouched, with thin blue veins running under the surface. He ran his 
thumb across it, ignoring the hard stare Carly was giving him. 

“What are you doing?” Carly's voice raised an octave, clearly anxious. Nikolas 
didn't answer, instead slowly raising her wrist to his lips. He brushed then 
across the tender skin lightly, then lay a soft kiss against the center of her 
wrist, right where the arm met the flesh of her palm. Carly sucked in her breath 
quickly. Nikolas pulled back and looked up at her, his eyes unfocused. 

“I thought,” he said softly, “That we established that I don't know what I'm 
doing.”

Across the room, the CD whirred, moving to another track. Carly stared at 
Nikolas until his features blurred in the tears that had suddenly and 
inexplicably filled her eyes. Her heart began to pound. What was this? This was 
not what she was looking for. This was something else entirely. 

“All the fear has left me now 
I'm not frightened anymore 
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh 
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath” 

Carly moved towards Nikolas again, as if hypnotized, and slid her wrists up 
against either side of his neck. 

“And if I shed a tear I won't cage it 
I won't fear love 
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it 
I won't fear love” 

Nikolas waited for her to kiss him again. She was looking at him with so much 
intensity, he barely felt as if he was present anymore. It was as if a part of 
him was floating away. He wanted her to kiss him more than he could remember 
ever wanting anything in his life up to that moment. But she stayed hovering 
above him, staring, as if he was some sort of apparition. Nikolas reached up, 
threading his fingers through her hair, and gently pulled her down into a long 
and hungry kiss. 

“Companion to our demons 
They will dance, and we will play 
With chairs, candles, and cloth 
Making darkness in the day 
It will be easy to look in or out 
Upstream or down without a thought 
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it” 

Carly, swept away in a sudden and startling wave of passion, pressed herself as 
hard as she could against Nikolas, deepening the kiss. 

“I won't fear love 
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it 
I won't fear love” 

Breathless and more than a little light headed, Carly pulled back from Nikolas, 
staring at him in amazement. The look on his face hit her hard. Part lust, and 
part insecurity. Hope. Trying to gage if he was getting to her, if he was doing 
this right… or if it was enough. She felt her fingers trail lightly down his 
neck, locating the top button of his dress shirt. She fumbled with the first 
button, her breathing surprisingly labored. Nikolas closed his eyes and lay back 
against the couch. 

“Peace in the struggle 
To find peace 
Comfort on the way 
To comfort” 

Carly parted the buttons on Nikolas' shirt, laying soft, teasing kisses on his 
skin above each one. She heard Nikolas moan and she felt a shiver go through her 
with unaccustomed violence. His arms closed around her, running up and down her 
back, pulling her closer to him. She straightened up, taking his face in her 
hands again. Nikolas opened his eyes and she looked straight into them. They 
were dark, just like the rest of his features. Dark eyes, hair, even his skin. 
Dark and soft and so easy to just lose herself in forever. She lowered her mouth 
to his again and gave him a soft and sensual kiss. Pulling back, she reaches 
behind her and took his hands, which were grasping her hips, into hers. She 
smiled at him, and slid away from him, somehow finding the floor and standing 
up. 

“Come with me,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. After a moment, 
Nikolas rose, and Carly turned, leading him into her bedroom. 

“And if I shed a tear I won't cage it 
I won't fear love 
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it 
I won't fear love 
I won't fear love 
I won't fear love…” 

**** The song “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” can be found (wanna hazard a guess?) on 
Sarah Maclauglan's “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” CD. My use of it is an 
unapologetic steal from my friend Skip, who will probably string me up for this, 
since she's still mad at me for not writing a J&C fanfic in the first place.