Chapter 170 -- Epiphany. 

The Campsite 

Nikolas sits against the tree, his head in his hands. This could be a 
commercial, he thinks miserably. Some sort of aspirin, extra strength anything 
designed to take the edge off the younger brother from hell. 

God, he didn't know clarity could hurt this much. But it can, apparently. When 
everything suddenly feels this obvious, and when it won't stop pounding around 
inside your head. Who would have thought, one day, that he'd be in this much 
agony all because, for one God-awful moment, Lucky Spencer came into focus for 
him. It makes too much sense. More sense than just talking ever would have. 
Thing Lucky would never have said. 

He hadn't seen the parallel. Even if it had been staring them straight in the 
face. He had never looked at it that way. Helena was a monster. She was bound 
and determined to tear down everyone she came in contact with. He'd known that, 
had it drilled into him, nearly his whole life. How could he be surprised at how 
far her reach extended? When it came right down to it, everything, everything he 
knew, was due to that woman. She was the reason he existed. She forced the hands 
of everyone in his life. Why hadn't he seen how that led Lucky here? 

It wasn't been that he hadn't been thinking about Lucky, about what might be 
going on in his head. He had. Emily's cryptic remarks had egged it on, as if it 
wasn't already pushing at him. But sometimes there are things that are too 
dangerous to believe. And the idea of understanding Lucky… of having any idea 
what might be happening in his brain… that was dangerous territory. And 
expecting anything but venom and disgust from him was setting himself up for a 
hell of a fall. 

It had been that way from the beginning. From the moment he'd first suspected he 
and Lucky didn't feel nothing for each other. It was the reason he'd pushed 
Lucky away in the first place. And it was the reason he didn't think about what 
had happened in the parking lot. Not nay more than he had to. What did any of it 
mean? He couldn't know, not for sure, if Lucky had made these decisions for him. 
How could he let himself believe that? It fell into direct contrast with almost 
everything he knew. Or thought he knew. But it was what the answer seemed to be. 
Lucky hasn't wanted the secret to come out. He hadn't wanted it out badly enough 
to do something he couldn't live with. Something that was tearing him apart. And 
Laura, Luke, Lulu… They were all part of that decision. But so what he. And so 
was Helena. 

and there was something else. Something that gnawed at him, and refused to be 
ignored. From moment one, Lucky's complete insanity… if that was the word… the 
twisted way he looked at the world. How reckless and emotional he was, how 
destructive, all of it… That had been lain at the feet on Luke. He was a 
Spencer. It was in the genes. And Luke was a maniac, so why wouldn't his son be? 

Maybe Lucky was a maniac. Certainly he had his borderline moments. And maybe 
Luke had taught him about guns and stealing cars. Maybe he had helped Lucky 
nurture his hatred towards the Cassadines. And maybe it was him that instilled 
the “values” as backwards as they were. But Luke had nothing to do with this. He 
hadn't pushed Lucky into the place he lived now. Not directly. That had been 
Laura. 

Nikolas feels a strong wave of anger hit him. So strong it confuses him. This is 
Laura! She drove him nuts. She was inconsistent, she was indecisive, she often 
had this look on her face that seemed to scream “Someone solve this for me”. 
But… She's not evil, Nikolas thinks. She's not like Grandmother, she's not 
setting out to hurt people. So how on earth did she let this happen to her son? 
How did she let Lucky turn into this person? Can't she see it? Hasn't he shown 
her just how dark the places he lives are? 

God, he was trying to protect me. Nikolas closes his eyes, feeling his body 
shake a bit. He thinks I could turn into him and he wants to make sure I know… 
Because no one told him. 

Nikolas feels tears spring to his eyes and sits up with a start. What the hell 
is this? He's not going to fall apart about this. So Lucky is acting scary. So 
he's being a freak. What else is new? 

It doesn't work. Nikolas leans forward again, cradling his hammering head in his 
hands again. Lucky made a decision that changed his life forever. And at the 
time, he did it because he thought it was best. Who for, that's hard to say. But 
certainly not himself. And it's destroyed him, slowly but surely, ever since. 

Pictures of the last month keep flashing pat Nikolas' eyes. The insanity, the 
completely irrational and self-destructive things Lucky had done. This was why. 
It wasn't petty, it wasn't small, it wasn't about hatred of anything but 
himself. Nikolas sits up again. Why the hell does he feel this way? Like he's 
just been punched in the stomach, hovering on the edge of panic. He can't even 
put names on the feelings swirling around inside of him. It's overwhelming, too 
much at once. 

Nikolas stands up, pacing the clearing at a brisk pace. Ok. Enough of this. You 
got what you wanted. You understand. It all is starting to make sense. And it's 
not ever all bad. But GOD, you have to admit… it's your turn. You didn't do this 
to him, but you're the reason it happened. And if no one else is going to 
protect him… Nikolas stops, his breath catching. He knows this feeling. This 
kind of gnawed, he's felt it before. A sort of possessive fury when someone 
messes with what is his, what he's responsible for. He's not sure it's ever 
gripped him with this kind of ferocity. 

If no one else is going to protect him, Nikolas realizes, then I will. 

* * * * 

Hillside, Greece. 

Emily is sitting cross-legged half way down the hill, the letter clenched in her 
hand, staring off into the distance. There are still the remnants of shed tears 
on her cheeks, but she makes no move to brush them away. She doesn't move, 
except for the occasional blink. Even her breathing appears nonexistent. Behind 
her, she becomes aware, of someone approaching over the grass. She doesn't turn 
around or acknowledge them, even when they sink down beside her. 

Lucky: (quietly) I was looking for you. 

Em: You found me. (Lucky reaches out and runs the knuckle of his index finger 
down the side of Emily's cheek. She looks over at him.) 

Em: What? 

Lucky: You've been crying. 

Em: Yeah… (She looks away) Yeah, I have. (Lucky cups his hand against her face 
and forces her to look at him) 

Lucky: Tell me about it. 

Em: (Smiling slightly) Just like that. 

Lucky: Yeah. 

Em: I will if you will. (Lucky's face clouds. He looks down at the ground a 
moment, then back at her) 

Lucky: Yeah. Sounds fair. I guess we'll call it a draw then? (Emily feels tears 
welling in her eyes again. A draw. She should have known he'd choose that. Lucky 
sees the look on her face and moves closer to her. He leans into her, studying 
her expression. He had no idea what to expect when he'd gone off in search of 
Emily. Nikolas hadn't been exactly communicative. In fact, he'd had amazingly 
little to say. It's obvious, however, that something upset her. He looks at her 
in empathy.) Emily. (She looks up at him, seeing his concern. God. She feels 
herself lean into him, then stops. Lucky, taking the cue, catches her mouth with 
his, and kisses her softly. 

Lucky: (whispering) I'm sorry, Em. (He lifts her head, and kisses her again) I'm 
sorry… (Emily catches the beginnings of a sob in her throat and holds it 
stubbornly, letting him kiss her. She responds only slightly, out of instinct 
more than anything else. She doesn't trust herself to let go enough to actually 
kiss him back. The emotion gets stuffed back down, getting stuck in her chest 
and constricting her breathing. She pulls away from Lucky in desperation.) 

Em: Don't! (Emily scrambles away from him, struggling to catch her breath. She 
stumbles to her feet, pulling breath into her lungs, and turns her back on him. 
After a moment, Lucky follows her, coming up behind her, and puts a hand on her 
shoulder). I can't do this. I'm trying so hard, Lucky… 

Lucky: I know you are. (He bows his head, and exhales) I don't know how to talk 
about him, Emily. I don't know how to say it out loud. (Emily turns around to 
face him) 

Em: Just SAY it! (at the anger in Emily's voice Lucky steps back, immediately 
getting defensive) 

Lucky: There's nothing to say! Why isn't that ok? (Emily lets out a short non-
laugh, looking upward) There isn't anything I can say to make it go away, Emily. 
It doesn't work like that. 

Em: It doesn't have to go away! (Emily stops, running a hand through her hair, 
trying to calm herself, step away from the argument) Lucky… I can deal with 
sleeping outside in the middle of nowhere. I can deal with you and Nikolas never 
being able to say more than ten words without setting off some kind of emotional 
A-bomb. I can deal with trying to figure out how I feel about everything that's 
happened to me in the last month… But I can't do this. I need to know. I need to 
know that I still know you. (Lucky's expression softens, moving from anger to 
pain)

Lucky: Emily. (She closes her eyes, shaking her head) 

Em: (a whisper) Just do it. (She looks back at him) It's that simple. Just open 
your mouth and let something come out. (Lucky stares at her for a long moment, 
then opens his mouth slightly. Nothing comes forward. Emily feels herself begin 
to crack again, when he suddenly speaks) 

Lucky: I'm trying to forget about him Emily. Talking about him won't help me do 
that. (Emily stares at him, stunned, both by the confession and the fact that he 
did actually talk). 

Em: Forget about him? Lucky… 

Lucky: It's the only way. It's not going to work any other way. (Lucky's words 
are determined, not leaving much room for debate. Emily stares at him) 

Em: Is that what all of this is about? Being back on the road? Hunting down 
Cassadines? Is that about forgetting him? (Lucky turns away, feeling suddenly 
panicked. ) 

Lucky: (unsteady) Look. You asked… 

Em: He still loves you. I know that. 

Lucky: (viciously) SO WHAT? (Emily stops dead) 

Em: So what? So… Everything! 

Lucky: You want simple, Emily? I can give you simple. I don't want to be his son 
anymore. I want it to be over. I did what I did and he knows about it. That's 
it. Everything is different. 

Em: Except how he feels about you! (Lucky stares at her a moment, then shakes 
his head, as if there is some sort of irony in that statement). 

Lucky: Emily… When we broke up… (Emily looks away, fighting exasperation) 

Em: Oh, Lucky… 

Lucky: Listen to me, Emily. That was the most honest moment we ever shared. 
(Emily gapes at him) You said stuff I'm never going to forget about, ok? It's in 
there. Every word, every look… I remember it. The worst part was watching you 
try not to believe it. Listening to you tell me you knew I couldn't do it. I 
don't want to do that with him. I don't want to look at him and have him tell me 
why I did this. What he's decided my reasons were. Because he'll be wrong. And 
I'll have to tell him. And that will be it. (Emily looks at him, shaken. After a 
moment, she speaks, her voice thin) 

Em: Can I ask you a question? (Lucky looks back at her) How well do you remember 
our first kiss? (At this point, Lucky seems to realize he's taken a bad turns 
somewhere in this conversation) What about the first time I told you I loved 
you? Or the first time we made love? (Tears start to stream down Emily's face) 
Do those just not rate on this scale? You're telling me… (She looks at him, 
shaking, the words come out shaky) When you undress me, when I lie down with 
you, when I let you inside me… That's a lie? That's not the most honest thing 
I've ever done with you? What the hell do you THINK of me, Lucky? (Lucky closes 
his eyes. Oh, GOOD. Hey, at least they aren't talking about his father anymore. 
Except that the two topics, when talking to Emily, get completely wrapped up in 
each other. He looks back at her, at the anger and hurt on her face. This has to 
stop. He can't keep doing this to her. Lucky drops down onto the grass, and 
leans his arms on his knees.) 

Lucky: (quietly) If we're reviewing moments of honesty, Emily… You're going to 
come out way ahead of me. Maybe that's it. (He looks up at her. Emily stares 
back at him. There are tears gathering in his eyes, and she can tell he's 
struggling not to turn away) I can't stop thinking about something. If you want 
to know when I've been honest with you… That night. The night we got back 
together. Do you know how much I think about that? (Emily shakes her head) I've 
tried to forget it. I've tried to block it out, pretend I never felt like that, 
forget it happened…  

Em: (in shock) Why? 

Lucky: Do you know how badly I wanted that? Do you have any idea? (Emily stares 
at him, then decides to make this slightly easier on him, and crouches down next 
to him, so that they are eye level. Lucky takes a shaky breath and continues) 
That was the center of my whole life at that point. Everything, I made 
everything about it. I blamed everything on not having you. On losing you. On 
blowing the only thing in my life that was “good”. (He smiles bitterly at the 
memory) It was this daily torture I could put myself through. It was the reason 
I didn't just leave town. Maybe so I could still have the chance of getting you 
back. Or maybe so that I could never forget I'd had you… And I didn't anymore. 
Then one night, out of nowhere… And that was what it felt like. Like months of 
going over and over what had happened, and then suddenly there you are, in front 
of me, and you're saying everything I thought I wanted to hear. You'd said I was 
never going to hear you say “I love you” again… but I was. And when I reached 
out to you, you didn't turn away. You let me hold you… I… (He stops, bowing his 
head a moment. No real way to say this without sounding incredibly wimpy, but… 
He looks back at her. He has to tell her. That simple) It was like… I couldn't 
hear anymore. I couldn't feel anything. It was this incredible moment where 
everything just stopped. I can't even explain how I felt. It wasn't… Happy. It 
was beyond that. It was like… Euphoria. (He smiles again, looking at her with 
love) Intense. When you kissed me, finally, after all that time, after thinking 
you were never going to feel like that about me again… It was like nothing would 
ever was ever going to exist outside of that. Nothing ever could. And… That was 
honest. Everything I was feeling, everything I wanted at that moment… It was 
just about feeling. Real and honest feeling. Because I love you so much. (Emily 
stares at him, a small smile on her lips. Lucky has never ever talked like this 
to her. Even knowing, without doubt, that he loved her, she'd never known he 
thought things like this. Or felt them) 

Em: Lucky… 

Lucky: There's this thing about life, Em… (Emily's smile falters. Right. Reality 
check). When you get your happy ending? You… Still get up the next day. And you 
gotta look at your life and realize… You haven't changed. You're still the same 
person you were. It's just… Everything else… everything you did. That's what 
changed. We changed. You're right, we've never been like we were before… 

Em: No. But I don't WANT to be what we were before. 

Lucky: What… Part? Happy? 

Em: We're more real than we ever were before. Lucky… I saw you through this 
cloud of idolization, and Infatuation… And hormones. Lots of hormones. And I 
loved you. I'm not saying that wasn't real. But I didn't love you like this. My 
eyes are wide open. When I look at you, I see who you really are. And I think 
that's the part you can't handle. God. It's like you're mad at me for loving 
you! 

Lucky: No. That's not it. 

Em: Then what is it? 

Lucky: I want to let you go, Emily. (Emily stares at him, feeling like a 
cannonball just ripped through the center of her.) I want to let you go, I want 
you to be happy. And I don't make you happy anymore. But I can't. I can't even 
start to try to… I wish I could say it's because I couldn't hurt you like that, 
but… I think I keep proving, I can hurt you almost any way I can think of… and a 
few that don't even occur to me until I do them. I can't do it for entirely 
selfish reasons. I can't do it because, even with everything else, it hurts too 
much not to have you. 

Em: Damnit. (She puts her head down, crying. Lucky looks at her, miserable, not 
feeling like he has the right to reach out to her again. She looks up at him, 
infuriated) I hate this. I hate this SO much. All of it! How the hell did this 
happen to us? I mean… God, at one point, I know I made you happy… 

Lucky: You DO make me happy. 

Em: NOTHING makes you happy! I might make you smile sometimes, but that's it. I 
can't make you forget. I can't make you forgive yourself. I can't even make you 
believe that I don't really CARE about what you did. Or why. All I care about it 
making it stop. And I can't. No one can but you. 

Lucky: I don't know how to. I don't know… I don't want to feel this way. I don't 
want to keep hurting you. But I don't know how to NOT feel like this. I can't… I 
can't let my guard down. I can't just relax and let myself… (He stops, too 
choked up to continue. Emily looks at him, tears still streaming down her face. 
Lucky puts his head down, struggling. Emily sighs, and moves over to him, 
wrapping her arms around him, laying against his back) 

Em: Who you are… You're so much more than what you did. You have to stop acting 
like that is all that mattered. (Lucky sits up, quickly, and Emily moves away. 
She waits for him to look at her. His face is red with the effort of not 
allowing himself to break down. He pulls her back to him, burying his face 
against his hair) 

Lucky: just tell me what was wrong. Please. (Emily leans against him, her 
stomach knotting again. She doesn't feel like getting into it. From day one, the 
only way she's had to really deal with Hannah and what happened to her, is by 
dealing with the chaos it caused. She doesn't even know how to start to deal 
with it as an actual reality. Independent of the rest of this). 

Em: Let's just say… I do understand why not talking is easier. 

Lucky: And I think I get why not hearing hurts. 

Em: I'm not trying to hurt you. (lucky laughs, bitterly, against her) 

Lucky: We're melding. (He pulls back and looks at her, tears finally escaping 
his eyes) You know what keeps me going? Most of the time… Is knowing… For some 
crazy reason, sometimes, when my mind isn't spinning… I can help you. (Emily 
reaches out and brushes the tears from his face) 

Em: You do. You have. 

Lucky: Let me help you with this. Whatever it is. I can't make you any promises, 
but I can try to take care of you. It's what I need. More than anything else, I 
need you. (his voice breaks) I hate saying that. I don't mind any of the rest of 
it, I just hate needing you this much. I hate feeling weak. 

Em: No, Lucky. You want weak? I can give you a guided tour down that road… 

Lucky: No. (He reaches out and pulls her into his arms, closing down the topic. 
He always does, Emily thinks, lying against him. ) I don't care about that 
stuff, Emily. I don't. (His grip on her tightens, almost becoming ferocious, as 
if nothing on earth could tear her from it. Emily feels a now familiar ache in 
her side, in response, but only holds him tighter. After several moments, she 
feels the tremor running through him begin to lessen, just a little. He pulls 
back a little, finally, to look at her.) What was it? Why were you crying? (the 
question, 'was it me' is unasked, but hangs there, all the same. Emily smiles 
ruefully and kisses him lightly, before struggling out of his arms. Lucky is 
loathed to let go, but does so. She holds up the letter, clenched in her hand) 

Em: It's from Hannah. Nikolas had it. I asked him to give it to me. (Lucky 
stares at it a long moment) 

Lucky: I'd forgotten. (He clears his throat) They were to say goodbye. (Emily 
nods, staring at the paper, now crumpled and torn a bit.) 

Em: Yep. That's what she said. (She gets a distant look in her eyes, allowing 
Lucky to move entirely out of his quagmire of emotions and into hers. He reaches 
out and takes the letter from her. She releases her grip. He takes the paper, 
not looking at it, and smoothes it, then refolds it, and slides it into the 
pocket of Emily's shirt) 

Lucky: Then you better hang onto it. (Emily feels her eyes well up again, and 
nods, biting her lip. She leans into Lucky again and kisses him again, then lies 
her head down on his shoulder. Lucky closes his eyes, holding her, and lets 
himself feel, momentarily, calm).