Sorry for the mix-up, but the rest of the quotes will be back up soon. These just start with Noir.
Noir Quotes
Chapel: "Maybe someday I'll be sitting here with someone else who feels like you. I'll call you up and you'll help me help them."
Chapel: "You I.R.S. guys can be so rude."
Chapel: "I think her and I are gonna have a great time."
KC: "Oh the poor girl!"
Chapel: "Oh, one thing. Uh, you better watch your back cause she, uh, kinda... she kinda likes to kill guys."
Chapel: "You got little balls? I mean, like marbles? We could load 'em in here, have a slingshot war. Bing!"
Chapel: "Those Gideon's make a very effective product. And they're free, what's up with that?"
Branson: "Somebody's in here, huh?"
Chapel: "Yeah, he sold me a bad rug. I'm really angry about it."
Chapel: "These things should always end in a car chase, don't ya think?"
Chapel: "Baby, don't wrinkle daddy's jacket."
Jason: "Hello?"
Chapel: "Hello Jason."
Jason: "Mr. Chapel?"
Chapel: "I'm gonna call in that favor you owe me right now."
Jason: "Right now?"
Chapel: "Yeah. That woman that helped me, you were never supposed to see her at the precinct."
Jason: "Oh, so you want me to get rid of her? You want me to take her out?"
Chapel: "Uh, no, no, no, nothing like that. I just want you to keep the secret."
Jason: "That's it?"
Chapel: "Yeah, that's it. And I'm out of your life, forever."
Chapel: "Yeah?"
Swain: "Who is this?"
Chapel: "Just a guy who's about to change his number." Throws cell phone in the trash
Vendetta Quotes
Chapel: "There's a problem at the I.R.S. One of your co-workers is a few eggs short of an omelet."
KC: "What if she doesn't even want our help?"
Chapel: "Excuse me, I'm having a psychic moment... she's gonna want our help."
KC: "Have you ever been audited?"
Chapel: "No."
KC: "I got audited. Four years ago. It was a nightmare. They froze my accounts, they hounded my boss, they searched my apartment. I overpay now like double. I declare change I find in dryers."
Chapel: "Can I come up?"
Theresa: "You're in a no parking zone."
Chapel: "My goodness, I guess I'll get a ticket."
Theresa: "So you help me out of all of this and all I owe you is a million dollars."
Chapel: "Something like that, yeah."
Theresa: "You take food stamps?"
Gifford: "This is an official I.R.S. investigation, what's your name?"
Chapel: "I'm Gumby damnit!"
Chapel: "Go home, break out the scotch, pop on the Sinatra, and let this one go. Or we're gonna dance again."
Chapel: "I walked into a bar one time and I bumped into a guy. He pulled a gun on me. I said, 'hey, I'm sorry'. He said 'you know, you let one person bump ya, pretty soon everybody's gonna start bumpin ya'."
Theresa: "So what happened?"
Chapel: "Well, he's got a new shoulder now. Its amazing what they can do with plastic."
Theresa: "There's something behind his eyes, like a cloud that won't go away. Its sad."
KC: "Yeah."
Theresa: "So what happened to him?"
KC: "He won't talk about it."
Theresa: "But it was bad?"
KC: "Worse than bad. I think it was worse than anything."
Chapel: "Don't worry about that, it'll be okay in a couple months. Its amazing what they can do with plastic nowadays."
Chapel: "Thanks for the loan." hands back the earring
Theresa: "What did you need it for?"
Chapel: "You can use those to pick locks."
Theresa: "Where'd you learn that?"
Chapel: "My mom." (They both laugh) "She was very handy."
KC: "Quick question."
Chapel: "Yeah?"
KC: "Are you Satan?"
Chapel: "No."
KC: "Just checking."
Confidence Quotes
Chapel: "Actually, I was thinking about a trip, to Paris."
Jay: "Excuse me?"
Chapel: "Yeah, here, for two. Go, you know, have a croissant, look at some paintings, but don't take any crap from the waiters over there."
KC: "The door's that big square thing behind you."
KC: "How can the Favor say no?"
Chapel: "It happens."
KC: "So you're just gonna ask someone else, right? I mean, everybody owes you a favor, right?"
Chapel: "Not everyone is 6'3', weighs 240, and has a tattoo on their neck that says 'Death Becomes You'."
KC: "You are a scary, scary man."
Chapel: "Really? I thought I was beginning to mellow."
KC: "I'm going straight to hell."
Chapel: "Well, maybe just to heck."
Chapel: "They say your signature says a lot about your psyche. Did you know that closed loops means your repressed?"
KC: "You're having a special kind of fun with this one, aren't you?"
Chapel: "Everybody wants something that they don't have. Its so weird, I don't get it."
Judgment Quotes
Chapel: "OK, new rule: Stop saying 'ohmygod'."
Richard: talks to KC "You'll need to assist."
Chapel: "Oh my god."
Chapel: "Get that slug out?"
KC: "Yeah, and he de-wormed and de-fleaed you as well."
Chapel: "You've been a bad little dog. If you don't do as your told, I'm gonn whip your butt with a newspaper, and rub your nose in crap."
Wabash: "No, you don't sound so good."
Chapel: "At least I don't sound poor!"
Chapel: "Don't worry, I'll be looking out for you."
Garkos: "Oh, that inspires a lot of confidence."
Chapel: "Alrighty then."
Garkos: "Where are the others?"
KC: "Its bad. Really bad."
Chapel: "Now don't exaggerate, they'll walk again."
KC: "Yeah, with canes."
Garkos: "This is kinda fun workin with you. What is it exactly that you do?"
Garkos: "If this little plan of yours doesn't work out, and I don't get back to see my girl, its not like I'm gonn be walking around with a grudge or anything. I'm just gonna kill you. Okay?"
Chapel: "Okay."
Clique Quotes
Chapel (A) = Chapel as Arnie
Chapel: "27 frat boys, 27 bats. Brian's the only one... who blows chunks."
Chapel: (picks up the straight jacket) "Would you help me put this on?"
KC: "Finally something that makes complete and total sense."
Chapel (A): "I'm very outdoorsy."
Chapel (A): "Got money?"
Vivian: "What?"
Chapel (A): "For a motel. Unless you guys want me to bunk here with you. That might be kinda fun. We could have a PJ party and take the cosmo quiz!!
Chapel (A): "I'm not as smart as I look."
Brian: "Arnie, you cooked my dog?"
Chapel (A): "Yep, yappy but tender."
Chapel (A): "I was kinda wondering what it felt like when you hit Adam in the head with that bat. Was it more like a melon, or like a softball?"
Chapel: "Piper, who do you like better; Rin Tin Tin, or Deputy Dog?"
Chapel (A): "My teeth itch."
Dentist: "You know, I don't even want to know."
Chapel: "That's a good call, doc."
Chapel: "I'm not crazy. At least, not officially."
KC: "Sorry I'm late. I had to set your remains on fire."
Chapel: "I think I'm going to miss me. I was a great guy."
KC: "Time will ease the pain."
Chapel: "You should be a shrink."
KC: "You should be a patient."
Critical Quotes
Chapel: "Someone once said I was a Gucci-esque avenger."
KC: "Oh, you're gonna drive this poor little man crazy."
Chapel: "You think?"
Ben: "I've got two words for you, 'not guilty'."
Chapel: "I've got two words for you, 'po-lice'."
Chapel: "I never argue with a lady. Tootaloo.
KC: "I've got an idea what to do with Gina.
Chapel: "Yeah, me too... tranqualizer."
KC: "Cut it out! Don't even!"
Chapel: "Two words, 'e-nough'. We're going."
KC: "Going where?"
Chapel: "To the police station. Gina's gonna turn me in."
Gina: "Yeah."
Chapel: "Underneath these shirts here there's $100,000 in cash. KC, take it and disappear."
KC: "You're kidding, right?"
Chapel: "No."
Gina: "So she gets away?"
Chapel: "Well, this is between you and me."
KC: "You're going to let her turn you in?"
Chapel: "Well, I'm caught. Can't get un-caught."
KC: "Think of something!"
Chapel: "I did. For you, in case something like this ever happened. Underneath the money there's an address. Memorize it, then destroy it, then go there. You'll get a new identity, and a new life, and consider yourself a fugitive."
KC: "Chapel..."
Chapel: "Hey, its time to cash in. Nobody ever said all this came with a guaruntee. Bye-bye, KC."
KC: "Would you really have turned yourself in?"
Chapel: "Honestly, I don't know. The kid made me wing it."
KC: "Nobody really understands him, no one's really close to him, I think he's pretty much alone."
