Never Lose Hope

Cameron was laying down on his bed, angrily wiping out the tears that kept falling out of his eyes. Why was he crying? After all, everything was his fault. He screwed up, like always. Gary didn't want to have anything to do with him, yet again, and Amanda said she would rather be back in Boca Lynda with Scott than to be within five hundred feet of him. Josie didn't get squat. They were supposed to be in this together, but somehow, Gary forgave HER and not him. Josie even said to Cameron that Gary didn't want her to have anything to do with him and she listened, she didn't want to make her husband mad. Damn her. Every thing he did, every lie he told to the love of his life was for her not to lose her husband. What did he get in return? Everyone he cared about turned their backs on him. He tried to explain everything to Amanda after Josie screwed up and told Gary, but Amanda wouldn't listen. She said he should’ve had come to her the minute he thought the baby could be his but he didn't. She said that with him it was always one lie after another and that she didn't want to live like that anymore. So now, Josie was 6 months pregnant, living happily with her husband, while he was alone in his bed wondering how his life could get any worse. He was so mad, he even thought about getting his revenge on his sister-in-law for backing out on him, but he didn’t have any money and he knew he would be hurting his brother if he sued Josie for custody of the baby boy she was carrying. At least then he wouldn't be alone for nothing, he would've done something to deserve their hatred.

But that was not his style. He wasn't a bad man, he just did bad things. Jake McKinnon said he could give him a job of caretaker for his and Vicky's house, but Cameron knew he would do it as a favor to Tyrone. And Cameron was too proud to take their pity. Getting the hell out of town was the best he could do, for everyone. That's why he was relaxing before taking the train to New York. There he would start a new life, without his past chasing it. He would try and forget Amanda, or at least try to learn how to live without her. Thinking of Amanda, he starting crying again. It was the first time he cried since he was a little boy but today, his tears didn't seem to want to stop falling down his face. Well, he was alone before, he could be alone again. Before he was not in love. Ever since Amanda walked out on him two weeks ago, he felt like he couldn't breathe. The sun stopped shining for him that day, and the coldness took over his heart.

"-Enough with the self-pity Sinclair, you have a train to catch. He said to himself"

With his suitcase in his hand, and his keys in the other, he went out of his apartment. He went to the landlord's apartment and left the keys in the mailbox. Walking down the street of Bay City, he was watching carefully, taking mental picture of the city he once thought would be his ticket to happiness. For the first time of his life, he thought he could truly be happy here with Amanda as his wife and his brother living close-by. Cameron thought that his luck would change and that he would be able to stop running. Running from his past, his demons, and most of all, the memory of his childhood with his dad. But he knew now, walking towards the train station that he would never stop running. Happiness he thought was possible was just an illusion. It doesn't exist, just good for movies and commercials. He was bitter and felt like crying once again, but he stopped the tears. No one would ever see him cry, because he would never cry again. He would never be attached to anyone again, as long as he lived. Hurt too much. He took the chance once with Amanda, he would never take it again. That is if he could forget about Amanda. Her blond hair and beautiful face would haunt his dreams for a long time, and the memory of her kisses would stay on his lips until his last breath. The souvenir of the warmth of her body will be his companion for the long and lonely nights. He went to Carlino's for a last cup of coffee. He sees Paulina there, sitting alone. He salute her, and sit alone in a booth. She went to take his order and saw he's been crying.

"-Hi Cameron, what can I get you? She asked

-A cup of coffee would be fine thank you."

After a while, she came back with a cup and she sat down. Smiling, she took his hand.

"-Must be hard for you right? She said

-I don't know what you are talking about. I'm fine and you? He replied

-What's with the suitcase?

-I'm hitting the road. He said

-You can't do that! She replied louder, what about Amanda?

-Do I need to tell you Amanda doesn't want to have anything to do with me?

-She will come around Cameron, she always does. Give her time to get passed that whole mess with the baby and you'll see.

-Thanks for the coffee he replied, but I got a train to catch"

Before she could say anything he was up, threw changes on the table and ran out.

As he waited for the train, his thoughts were once again for Amanda. He wondered if Paulina was right, and if she would forgive him eventually, but for now, it hurt to much to be in the same city and not being able to talk to her, let alone kiss her and make love to her. He's been through hell, but that was too much to ask.

The train arrived and he got in, giving Bay City one last look, as the machine roared and went on its way to a new city, new world, new life.

Two months went by since Cameron left Bay City and still was unhappy about his life. He had a job, he was washing dishes in a restaurant. He had an apartment, and was working 12 hour shifts to keep from thinking. Amanda was still in his thoughts, and he dreamt about her every nights. He didn't call Bay city once since he left, and he was wondering how the baby was doing. Even if Josie told him she would write Gary has his father on the birth certificate, he was still wondering and caring about his baby. When he saw Amanda holding Lila's baby at the christening, he fell in love with the sight and even fantasized about seeing Amanda holding his baby like that someday. But that can never happen now, all because he can't stay out of trouble. His dad told him he was no good, troubles, and nothing would ever come out of him, and he was right, as always.

One night, Cameron was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping away a glass of milk, and thinking about calling Paulina, to get news of Amanda. Taking the phone, he dialed the number of Carlino's.

He was starting to be uncomfortable, he couldn't wait to hang up. She was making him nervous, the only thing he could think about was holding her.

-What the hell is wrong? He didn't want to have anything to do with me and now he's looking all over for me?

-Something is wrong with the baby. Josie gave birth and the baby needs blood, but Gary isn't its blood type, neither is Josie.

-So now they need me? He said full of rage. They threw me away like garbage but now they need me and I should come running?

-Cameron listen to me. You are not a bad person and your son needs you. Please come back."

Without saying something else, Cameron hung up. What could he do except go back and help his son. His son, he had a son!

He grabbed a couple of clothes, threw them in a bag, and left for the airport. When he arrived to Bay City, he took a cab up to the BCUH, to see his brother and son. He found them on the third floor. Gary looked tired and desperate. When he saw Cameron, his face lit you like he saw God.

-He's premature, and they can't stop him from bleeding. He needs a transfusion fast and the are all out of his type. I'm sorry for what I said to you, please do something.

Cameron went in the room, leaving his brother in the hall. Josie was laying in a bed, looking awful. She had been crying, and she looked at him.

Cameron's heart was beating so fast, as he signed all the forms. He gave all the blood he was allowed to, and then went to see his son. He found Gary there, looking at the baby. Cameron got his chin up and walked up to the window. The tiny thing was all plugged up to machines. Looking as his son, tears he thought would never fall starting coming up again.

"-Thanks for coming so fast Cameron, said Gary. Without you, my son could not live!

-Gary, let's just get something straight. I love you, you are my brother, but the baby there is my son. I came to save his life, and you nor anyone will never drive me out of his life again.

-No buts Gary. I ran, like I always did, but no more. I have a son, and I intend to stay in his life. I won't fight for custody, unless you and your wife try to prevent me from seeing him. I gave him life, and today I saved his life, and you expect me to just turn around and go hide again? Could you do it?

After speaking his mind, Cameron went to see his sister-in-law. Josie wasn't happy about his decision, and started to argue, but Cameron stormed out of her room. He went back to his son's bed, and stayed there, without talking to anyone, not even his brother. For the first time in his life, he knew he was doing the right thing, even if it meant breaking his brother's heart.

After the visiting hours are over, the nurse came to see him and tell him to go home. But he wouldn't budge from his place, saying that the baby was his, so the nurse turned to Gary and sent him home. Cameron fell asleep around three o'clock only to wake up when he heard a cry. His son was up and crying his lungs out. He trapped in the window, and the baby stopped crying. He looked at his dad and started moving. The nurse ran to the baby to see if he was alright. Cameron was smiling to the baby when the nurse saw him. She smiled back and showed him the baby's face. He looked at the little piece a paper to see the name and only saw "baby Sinclair". That meant Josie didn't chose the name yet. So he walked up to her room and went in. She was awake and started talking as soon as she saw him.

"-Hey oh, hold on there missy, I came to talk things up, not start the war! He said -Start the war? You came here yesterday saying you want to have a say in the baby's life and you don't want to start the war? She answered

-Josie listen to me. You saw the baby, could you turn your back on him if Gary asked you too?

-Then how can you ask me to do it? He's my kid too! I can't turn my back on him even if I know Gary would be a great father.

-We agreed to that before he knew the baby was mine. Now everybody else know and I want to be a part of my baby's life, whether you like it or not! Now either we can talk about the way I can be a part of his life without invading your space, or we can argue until we go to court. What will it be?"

Josie took her face in her hands, obviously crying. Cameron went to her and put his hand on his shoulder. She leaned on him, and couldn't stop crying.

"-I love the baby Cameron, but I honestly don't think Gary will want to raise him if you play the daddy part. He told me last night that he wouldn't stand for it. I don't want to lose Gary, but I don't want you to take me to court! He told me that if I couldn't talk you out of it, it would be to embarrassing to raise his brother's baby. He wants to adopt him or I'll raise the boy alone."

Cameron couldn't believe his ears. His brother was such a jerk! `How could he ask a mother to chose between him and her son? Josie was torn apart, and he didn't want to lose his baby boy! But what could he do if he didn't want to tear is brother's family apart?

-Gary and I agreed on Jesse, but after the news of it being not his baby, he said I had to pick a different name because Jesse would be his son, not his brother's!

-William Sinclair? I like that, I think it'll be William. But what will we do about Gary?

-I'll think about a way, but he won't cut me out of William's life, no way, never!"

Cameron stormed out, determined to find his brother and have a nice long talk with him about the importance of family.

Cameron couldn’t find Gary anywhere. He wasn’t at the hospital, nor the house, he even checked Felicia’s place. After 2 hours of search, he went back to the hospital and found Gary in Josie’s room. Cameron saw she has been crying and Gary looked angry. When he saw his brother, Gary looked even more angry. Cameron asked him if he could talk to him in the hallway, but Gary refused.

-Your wife already knows. It’s not with her I seem to have a problem with, it’s you.

-Actually I do. I don’t want to break up my brother’s marriage, but you won’t run me out of my baby’s life! So if you don’t like it, hit the road!

Gary got up and started pacing the room. He was more angry than before, and looked like he was about to kill Cameron. Josie was talking to him, trying to get Gary to calm down. He was arguing, saying his brother had no right trying to break him and Josie up, saying he was just a trouble-maker, and that he killed his father, and he would end up killing the kid. Josie kept saying "he is his father" and Gary kept answering he didn’t care, if Cameron wanted to go to court, he would fight for the baby and then he would find a way to adopt him. But he wouldn’t accept being dad to the kid during the week for his brother to pick him up in the week-end. Cameron jumped into the conversation to say that Gary didn’t have a choice.

"-I do have a choice, punk, take us to court. It’s the only way you’ll have a say in the boy’s life.

-Yeah well, I don’t care if you like it or not, me and Josie, his parents, picked his name."

Without saying anything else, he stormed out if the room. Josie started to cry again, begging for his brother to go after him, but Cameron refused. He wasn’t going after his brother, to apologize again for something he spent months apologizing. He was done apologizing. He loved his son, and would fight for him.

"-Josie, here’s what I propose. Do you think Gary would stand to have William on week-ends? He asked

-what if I take William? You could come and see him whenever you want, and you would have him on week-ends, instead of the other way around.

-but I don’t want to have my boy only on week-end! She replied. I don’t want to settle for that!

-Then why should I? Not because I’m the father I should be separated from him you know! And that way you wouldn’t lose your husband!

Without adding anything, he left the room. He was hoping she would say yes. At first, he said that out of the blue but the idea of having William full-time was getting to his head.

He went to a store, bought some clothes, because all of his stuff was back in New York, but he didn’t want to go back there to get it. Besides, it would be cheaper to buy things here. After that, he went looking for an apartment, with two bedrooms. He found one nice, by the docks, signed the lease, and went to look for a job. The first place he looked was the police station. After talking to Joe, he went to Carlino’s to talk to Paulina. He explained the situation to her and she agreed on giving him a job as a bus-boy, to help him out. With that settle, he started looking for baby things because his boy would be coming home soon, wether Josie agreed to his deal or not. While shopping, he looked at a woman in a store, and swore it was Amanda. When the woman turned around he saw his mistake. It wasn’t her, but it was too late, his heart was beating fast again. In two days, ever since he came back, not once did he thought about her, but now, he couldn’t take his mind off of her. Cameron missed her like crazy, but he wasn’t going to go see her. Not because she talked to him on the phone saying William needed him that she wanted to have anything to do with him, let alone forgave him for what he did. But now, he was going to be a new man, and only William would count in his life.

Later that night, Cameron couldn’t sleep. Amanda was still in his thoughts. Before getting to bed he had called the hospital to get news of his baby, and the nurse said the blood donation worked miracles, and that he was getting stronger by the minute. He was now alone, thinking about the woman he had loved and lost, playing what if’s. He came back from his thoughts went he heard a soft knock on the door, so gentle he thought it was just a dream, but then he heard it again a little louder.

He had to get dressed. Answering the door in is underwear wasn’t a good idea. Battling to find a pair of pants in his mess, he kept shouting just a minute to be sure his visitor wouldn’t leave. He found a pair of jeans, threw them on and opened the door with a wham.

He was standing there, saying nothing. Amanda was trying to look in the apartment by looking over his shoulder. The only thing he could think about was listening to this little voice in his head saying "kiss her and don’t let her go".

-Only if you don’t look at the mess, moved in today. He answered while letting her passed by him."

She was looking around, thinking how this apartment was big for him alone. He was thinking how wonderful she smelled. They were standing there, one in front of the other, saying nothing. Amanda was playing with her nails, while he was putting his hands in his pocket.

-No thanks, I was just here out of curiosity. Paulina told me you were in town, and I wanted to see where you lived. Mighty big for a guy who lives alone.

She looked shocked, but didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. Her face was doing all the talking and Cameron’s heart started beating like crazy. She was still in love with him and she was thinking a woman was moving in with him. For a moment he just wanted to take her in his arms and reassured her, but after he thought "why would I do that? She the one who said she didn’t want me anymore. Let her suffer for a while", but instead he said.

He made her visits, and when he arrived to William’s room, a sentiment of pride rose in him, and in turned to her saying;

-no, I mean Josie and mine. His name’s William Sinclair. He’ll be coming here on week-ends.

-Since when you decided to take him on week-ends? I thought you agreed it would be your brother’s? She said, obviously angry

She looked at him, with rage and jealousy in her eyes. She was about to leave when she looked in his eyes and saw why she fell in love with him in the first place, a compassionate, caring man.

"-Listen Cameron, I didn’t come here to fight. I think it’s great you are bonding with your son, I really do, I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Just thinking about Gary that’s all.

-He didn’t think about me when he decided to shut me out of my son’s life without even asking me what I thought about it. I’m not doing this to get back at him for hurting me. You’re a mother Amanda, you should know how it is when you fall in love with your child and you can’t let go, no matter what? Kinda like I feel about you! He replied while getting closer to her.

He grabbed her in his arms and started to kiss her with all the love and passion he felt for her.